my totally unexpected 2 min of fame?
found myself on our berkeley newsletter...
and if anyone is interested, there are more pics on this other group member's website
am panicking real bad for my econ 140 midterm!!! aargh. dun want to fail..... yet keep procrastinating! aargh.

just returned from jacqui and sumei's church production not too long ago..... and it just got me thinking how creative and multi-talented all these ppl were... and though it kinda made me make comparisons again.... thinking what limited stuff i am capable of... but no i am not depressed... =)
SMSA elections today also made me aware of a mild change in my thinking i suppose.... now that i look back at elections last year, i think i really had self-esteem too low for my own good. on hindsight, i think i would have learnt a lot and probably had a lot of fun had i ran and got the post of secretary... so when i got nominated today, though i know that i cannot possibly do it this year, it made me think "what if...." not that i regret anything, just that i somehow became aware of my change in mindset perhaps recently.... i hope i am getting a lot less emotional and irrational....
i think i am still sometimes upset about my inability to ''get'' things sometimes.... for being quite dense sometimes.... but i am trying to improve.... and i hope i eventually do...

busy! midterm next week paper due next next week... R and C research stuff due soon as well..... and more data entry work to do again! feel really really short of time and it doens't help that i sometimes just doze off on my bed before getting any work done! but glad that i am not idle and thus hav no time to even hu si luan xiang. really really want to do well for my IR class.... i hope i hav time to summarize my articles..... just to get a hang of analysing them... made cookies for my decal class yesterday night and spent the whole night just doing that. but i'm happy! like to give ppl stuff and package them up prettily.... gives me so much satisfaction somehow! haha but if only i derived more pleasure in doing work.... of course i enjoy things that i am learning.... but at times non-academic stuff just seem more attractive. I'm reading this play by Tom Stoppard, titled Arcadia right now.... its such a complex adn confusing book with big themes... and the plot is apparently very smart... jstu that i dind't get half of the things in the book. sad. have to read the first act all over again to see what i have glossed over..... and my next book's Atonement by Ian McEwan... yay! look forward to 'dissecting' it.....

during dinner we were just musing over how fast all of us are gonna graduate and leave.... and somehow the thought of the ppl i am comfortable with all leaving after 3 years made me feel somewhat low-spirited... i think i will miss them dearly and always smile to myself when i think of them when all alone in my own apartment in my senior year..... haha ok.. am painting such a bleak picture of things....
was feeling really mad today and went to berkeley and bought 3 things from GAP.... and wanted to get a roxy flip flops but it was ex and felt it was being very extravagant.. but then again i hardly shop... just that my high expenditure during the past month pulled me back.... sigh. wished there were factory outlets just next door or something! =P

am finally at home, indulging in being able to use the internet once again... haha actually it's not that bad. i pretty much survived without it. it's just that when u hav it, u just keep staying online...
after 5 consecutive days of service, i am glad that i am finally home. not that i din'dt enjoy my trip, i really did! cos it was fun and informative and heartwarming.... but i guess there is a limit to hwat you can take at one go... so five days of com service was quite enough for me. it can be a little tiring really.... and i miss the luxury of my powerful shower at home! the trickle of water at the hostel was really miserable but of course i am not complaining.... just a comment.... =)
i also find it amazing how the very different personality of each member on the trip added so much variety yet dind't cause any major conflicts among us... and even though some ppl were less receptive than others, some took more initiative than others, some were more fun than others, i thought it was cool how everything worked out pretty well, and i actually felt a little sad that our trip was ending at the time i parted with my groupmates....and one thing that struck me througout the trip was the love and patience and compassion of so many ppl out there.... to be wiling to make sacrifices for this community... that was really heartwarming and definitely taught me to be more considerate and sensitive to the needs of this community...
though i have to admit that i still dun fit in well with americans, but wiht some effort i think it's still possible to talk to them etc.... and many of the ppl on this trip are really nice ppl... just a pity they will likely remain nice ppl whom i wun really be able to become better friends with...one girl Martha was especially memorable.... i think i was just being my usual self and quiet... and yet shes sometimes tried to like 'pull' me along in doing stuff... like there was talentime at the ala costa center and the kid called out her name and she just pulled me along onto the stage... and then we were supposed to perform... haha though i felt very embarrassed but i just like tried to not show it and tried to do some funny actions for the fun of it... guess when ppl take the initiative to 'pull' me out of my comfort zone, i then tend to reciprocate and then be a little more chummy with them.... =)

tis 720 am now and i just woke up and we are gonna set off at 8am to this facility to go on a field trip with some of the ppl.... and in the afternoon we are gonna go to a watchdog facility... i really look forward to that! am on a 10-min one dollar computer terminal at my hostel now and just decided to write soething really short.... the past two days have been interesting... there were ups and downs and points when i kinda regretted coming on this trip but now i quite look forward to the things we are gonna do for the next few days and hopefully i'll really enjoy myself.... and something unprecendented... i went running in the morning yest in the heart of San Francisco!! haha so nan de, me exercising.... oh no no more time on this comp..... will write when i get back

seems like the name william hung doesn't fail to excite everywhere.... went for office hours yesterday and i think one group was gonna do somehitng related to this 'theme'.... and i think the sensei asked who is william hung, is he handsome?? then the girl had to say chotto.... (like deliberating..)... then this ang moh sensei came out from the inner office and said very enthusiastically.... "totemo handsamu desu!" and it made everyone laugh....
i went to talk to komatsu sensei and she was really nice.. and i really had fun trying to tell her about my trip to tokyo.... and cos i went to the Ghibli museum (which she hasn't been to) i told her that it was very cute and interesting and that she should bring her kids there! haha felt very proud of myself momentarily.... like telling jap teacher places in japan.... haha. supposed to do a lot of work this week.... but sadly i haven't. and preparing for jap oral quiz also took up some time.... am going for hans blix talk at zellerback later... hope it will be insightful and interesting..... not that i thik i will be able to fully appreciate everything that will be said, but at least i will hav tried...... still very upset about my inability to scale greater heights academically..... and got a not too good score for my econ 140 midterm as well... =( dame desu!
but on the other hand, i was really happy on monday cos i drove alone all the way to fremont to purchase my laptop adapter.. felt really really independent!! though of course i was a little scared at the same time, worried that somthing might happen to car or to me...... but glad it all went well....

hectic week is finally over! and one more week to spring break and finally a small respite... but in the meantime, still have to 'ganbatte'... in all my subjects! hope my r and c paper was a lot better than the previous one, cos i really tried my best to improve it.... went down to stanford yest with chester trina and darwin and met jing for dinner! it's a different feeling altogether, being able to drive down in ur own car!! i really really enjoy and treasure my new-found convenience, independence and 'authority' and now i really cannot imagine myself being deprived of this 'luxury' anymore!! and today's the first anniversary of the car..... hmm perhaps i should be glad that there hasn't been any major damages to the car other than this big terrible scratch i made to the bumper and have yet to get rid of.... but i have to say that i am a somewhat reckless driver and after u get more comfortable driving, i tend to drive faster but not BETTER.... eeks. had better exercise some self-control...

what do u do with secrets that u have to keep forever... write them down and fold it into a boat and let it drift away with the currents in the sea?....

my low spirits were lifted yesterday evening when i received a surprise birthday parcel, filled with a card and gifts that showed such sincerity and thoughtfulness on the part of the sender that i was really really touched and felt really blessed that i actually meant so much to someone.... =)
and the reason for my low spirits is that i have to rewrite my r and c paper that i spent so much time on... like write a totally new essay or risk getting maybe C on my paper... cos my gsi said my thesis wasn't controversial. sigh. felt very shi bai then.... haven't been able to think of anything new to work on.... and it's due on fri.... (managed to get one day extension)... but i shan't complain. shall just try my best and hopefully i can think of something.... usually this would put me into depression, but i am trying to remain positive now and just get it done and not let if affect my mood too much.... else the daily insecurities i still face these days would plunge me into depression again. not healthy. thought i could slack this week... but sadly no.... =(

had a fulfilling field trip to the ala costa center , as part of the preparation activities lined up for our spring break trip.... it's near north berkeley and has this little park right beside it which enables the kids to play and hav games there.. qutie a nice environment. The person who gave us a tour of the place was really helpful and welcoming and after the introduction we were left to interact with the kids.... initially i felt really strange and awkward, cos i have to admit i was a little shocked and i didn't know what i should do. like trying to talk to them might not be something desirable.. from their point of view. like i started talking to this boy, who seemed pretty receptive. but after a few min he just said 'can you pls go away' and i just felt really bad that even though i was trying to help, it kinda backfired. but eventually got a little more comfortable and one incident made me really overwhelmed... i think i was just standing at the field watching them play games, then this little boy slid his hand into mine and then just stood silently by me. then one teacher suddenly asked him, "why are u crying" and then i realized that he was just tearing.... and so i tried to find out what happened but he refused to say anything and seemed to just want to hold my hand and have me 'protect' him for a while.... so i did. and for the next few min we just stood there silently and somehow when he was just fidgeting my fingers while holding on to my hand i just felt so conscious of it and i was just so happy that I coudl at least provide some form of 'reassurance' to him.... then after some time i think he kinda 'recovered' and went to play with other kids... leaving me baffled as to what really happened, yet strangely touched.... i think i might really have a soft spot for kids. and i was also quite upset when talking to this shy girl, who didn't dare to really look at me and kept saying that she was dumb....
but i am so glad that these kids have such a facility set up for them, that prevents them from unnecessary ridicule from uneducated members of the public, yet teaching them useful skills (like how to read road signs) to integrate them into society... and the dedication of the teachers there make me wonder, what i shoudl actually do with my life. should i just be concerned about academic pursuits or shoudl i sometimes pause a little while and try to appreciate other things in life, or try to do some things that are meaningful that i will remember for life...
on a lighter note, some berkeley students actually wanted to feature us in their prog... so then we had a tv crew follow us and it was strangely fake when we were filmed entering the centre, and have ppl follow us around. the person doing the program wasn't very nice and somehow her way of trying to portray our efforts made me feel that it was somewhat superficial? like she wanted me to pose and sit around the kids and interact wtih them..... like such actions totally mismatch our intentions and just made me feel that the way she was trying to go about doing her program in a wrong way...
and i am now paranoid..... that this thing may appear on national tv..... and i totally didn't knwo about it till we reached the place... and i had very luan hair and looked very terrible. eeks. so gross.

been into so much contact with christianity- films, ppl recnetly that i really dunno what i should make of everything that is put before me. was gonna go into the library to hibernate and start studying for my poli sci midterm, when 2 ppl approached me just at the entrance and requested to talk to me.... and they started on how i should receive the lord, that i am a sinner and since birth i have been sinning.... and for about half an hour i just stood there listening to them.... i'm not trying to be cynical, but i sometimes find it chilling how many christians seem so mesmerized and unsuspecting of what they believe in..... i jsut find it difficult to believe in something that i dun even know exists.... they told me that i should give it a try... what if it's real? but i just cannot bring myself to do things based on this 'what if' premise..... in this aspect at least. i can imagine what if i get into a car crash and so i buy insurance. i can imagine what if i fall sick.... so i try to not eat unhealthy food or too much throat-irritating things all at one go..... perhaps it's because these things that i think might happen i can actually imagine them happening. but what if "God" is real i just cannot seem to fathom... wonder if there's faulty logic there?

it was definitely comforting and heartwarming to have friends remember your birthday and take so much effort to celebrate it for you.... and i definitely got a pleasant surprise (though it would be more of a surprise had 'random' ppl not dropped me hints) with a yummy irish cream cheesecake, an enjoyable dinner at an Italian restaurant, a bouquet of flowers from my usually self-declared cheapo housemate, cards, prezs and well wishes from my friends, what else can i ask for? not forgetting ppl who weren't by my side, who made the effort to drop me calls... =) but my pessimistic and worrisome self never fails to inject some negative thoughts into me, as i actually thought, what hav i done to deserve all if any of this.... and then upon conveying such thoughts to a friend, i got lightly reproached for harbouring such thoughts at all... and they were 'termed' annoying.... yes, i should prob stop being so paranoid!!
spending all night out on thursday made me oversleep and as such i had to study in a flurry for my jap word quiz on friday morning... haha hope i dun do too badly.. but if i do, i have the consolation that it was 'all for a good cause'.....

then on friday i really enjoyed the night, just baking cooked chicken pieces and fishsticks from albertsons.... i also cooked my caramelized chicken wings again.... but got a comment that it prob wil taste better with unagi.. haha. and had the luxury of eating tang yuans... but got myself so stuffed with food that i prob gained a few pounds that night. eating and watching some spelling bee competition on tv and just hanging out with frens on a friday night with no worries about deadlines or midterms whatsoever was just so pleasant. and we drove up to lawrence lab to look at berkeley/ bay area and the bright lights at night.... it was really nice. though cold.... and the usually high-tolerance-cold-me chickend out and sat in the car half the time.... and i love driving at night! when there are no cars esp.... sigh i still need to improve my lane change skills...

am working on my r and c paper now.... and i hav to work really really hard for my poli sci midterm next week.... no time! still hav to go to sch later to complete my data entry work for the week.... hopefully i wil hav time to come back in time to catch a lil bit of oscars... =)

i have to admit that I do not have a very high level of self-confidence to begin with... and it leaves me wondering what i should think of myself, when at some point you find that whatever u say is constantly shot down by others? or things that you appreciate, or find interesting are frowned upon by others? well maybe not exactly frowned upon, but perhaps deemed no big deal.... or that your beliefs seem to be somewhat naive and not worthy of any notice? should i then attribute it to the differences in people's opinions and welcome the comments or shoudl i start to question myself and reflect on all my inadequacies.... ok not sure it there is such a word...
when met with such a situation, when everything you do seems to be mediocre, is it not reasonable to get upset with yourself or should i live on with an optimism that all is well and that i shouldn't compare myself with others cos it would just make myself depressed? (ok i think my last sentence sounded a little suicidal but i hav no such tendency at the least.... ) just some thoughts...

am gonna start on some data entry work this week; hopefully i will get adept at using the number pad and be able to work efficiently and quickly soon =) i also just realized that there are many microcomputing facilities on campus for studnets to print stuff, save their work, use various software etc.... how silly. having only realized that after 1.5 years in berkeley!! prior to this i hav always wondered why moffitt 3rd floor computers had no other programs and is it only that ppl cna go the unit computing centres to do their work....how naive of me
cooked caramelized chicken wings yest and they tasted pretty yummy! just that perhaps i shoudl hav left them in the oven for maybe 10 min longer... i was just afraid they will get 'chao da' cos the aluminium foil had burnt sauce on it already.... also did some slightly different things this weekend; tried zachary's chicago pizza along solano on sat evening.... i'ts deep dish pizza and lotsa chewy cheese and tomatos... pretty yummy but burnt a little hole in my already 'depleted' pocket.... then washed my car on sunday afternoon.... it's not easy to ''take care'' of a car really...

i finally got a car!!! a 2001 silver honda accord coupe. stopped writing for so long i don't really know what to write anymore....
but it was def satisfying and exciting being able to drive my own car..... unfortunately after a week of driving i don't think it has improved tremendously.... and i am still as bad as ever in changing lanes and i would prob be stuck on a freeway going straight till goodness knows when if there weren't ppl in my car helping me look out and tellign me if i can change lanes.... but I hope practice would gradually improve and perfect my driving skills!
it's been a hectic week, but I must say it has been a pretty happy one? albeit busy. dun think i did well for my econ 140 midterm but shall not think too much about it.... i was strangely surprised a few days ago, when in one day i accutally talkead to 3 of my jap 1b classmates..... and someone came up to me to ask if i could email econ 140 solutions to him if my gsi forwarded it to my section...... somehow i felt nice cos it was indeed an improvement from my last sem, when human communication was like minimal..... though i still dun talk to a lot of ppl and hav few frens, i just hope i am gradually improving... =) failed a pop quiz in my eng class..... did a mini 3 min presentation on schizophrenia in my disability decal class..... there def seems to be much more variety in my academic life... =) yay. but i think i'm gonna be really busy.... paper coming up and things due.... but i will persevere...

i got into my alt spring breaks decal class "Understanding Disabilities"... first meeting later in the evening... look forward to it. hope i'll benefit and really enjoy it and help ppl at the same time =)
i am now hanging on to econ 115 and i hope i wun be overworked. can feel all the work coming in despite it only being the 4th week of school... and i quite love my poli sci 120a professor! she is so witty and clever and articulate.... and patient with students i think... eg if she asks a question and nobody answers she wun looked pissed or anything but say more things to make us think more.... and she uses many examples to illustrate her point... only regret is i either fall asleep on my bed or hav no time to do my readings...
been looking for a car for the past 2 weeks or so, but to no avail. it's so tough to find something u really want... and it's either too ex or the mileage too high. =(

a week ago at this time i was waiting for zy and shiyun to come home to all go for dinner at yue foo.... time passes really fast and my mum has gone for a week already... sitting at my comp and not wanting to do anything at all now... with the jay chou fantasy cd that huijun gave me playing on my laptop.... somehow feel very lonely all of a sudden, no mum to accompany me when i feel lonely...
haha but i should be fine lah. aargh i forgot to drop my econ 115 before the drop deadline.... adn now i hav to pay 10 bucks if i want to drop the class!!! irritating =( so i think i might stick to it and hang on.... unless i am doing really badly then i will drop it... and after all i bought the 'textbook'... jsut havne't gotten the readers.... sadly i fell asleep in eichengreen's lecture today AGAIN... but when i woke up he actually went through some things about international monetary econ that actually made some sense (as compared to my econ 182 last sem).... so maybe he can be a little boring but he isn't that bad at explaining stuff it seems.....
I wonder if i will get into my com service decal class, and whether I would really get involved, get to know new ppl and do something really meaningful. It's like I always hav all these great plans for myself... to get really involved in stuff and stop myself from hu si luan xianging and getting depressed.... but usually they are not realized.... like I went for Bears for Unicef meeting last wed... then like members had to help table at Sproul.. and I am just like somewhat shy and i dun want to sit at Sproul all alone by myself.... so in the end i dind't join. then I wanted to join this Girls Inc org, to teach girls to read...... but the sch is in San Leandro, which is beyond Oakland Airport... and so far how i go... sigh. hopefully nice surprises come my way and I can hav a differnet and enjoyable semester.... =)

glad my mum reached sg safe and sound.... i must admit i did have worries about her not being able to transit correctly, it being the first time she was taking a long dist flight alone... and it was funny how she complained that sg was so humid and that she felt really hot even at 2am at night... now she understands how i feel whenever i first get back to sg.. quite cool. and now she can imagine how i am sometimes 'bullied', who i am referring to when i mention names....
jacqui and i baked chester an ice cream cake yest... and i tried to make this 'strawberry dream cake' for jacqui and glad both turned out well =) i also realized how diff it is to spread cream.... prior to this i thought spreading cream evenly on ur sponge cake is a breeze.... till i made a unsightly mess out of mine... haha but i covered it up with choc fudge so it wasn' tthat obvious =)
and i have been eating out so so often i havne't cooked a single meal this week!! but somehow today made me feel really nice, that i was on pretty good terms with ppl in our batch.... somehow there has never been a sat weekend last sem i think when i actually had both lunch adn dinner with our batch ppl.... i will usually be cooped up in my room, making a sandwich for lunch or something. mabye cos it's the start of the semester and everyone's relatively freer.
went for the Bears for UNICEF meeting.... but am put off by the fact that i have to table at sproul at lealst for an hour each day... i guess it's not a very valid reason to not volunteer, but i really dread the idea of having to sit at sproul during the busiest and most crowded hours of the day and watching ppl walk past u.....so i guess maybe i wun join.
hope i get into the alternative spring break decal that i wnat to join though. =)

my mum is leaving in 2 days' time! i will then be relegated to no one filling my water bottle in the morning for me... no one cooking dinner for me... no one gossiping to me... no one living in my room... warming it up wiht her presence.. haha ok i am starting to talk crap... but i hoped my mum enjoyed her stay here... and i am sure she got really amused by my frens, esp chester and ziyang who are so crazy... glad that she got to get a taste of my life here =)
many things to look forward to this semester.. hoepfully i get into the decal which seems to promise a meaningful spring break... and maybe i'll just drop econ 115 and concentrate on my remaining 4 classes and really enjoy them.. and hope i have the chance to drive myself around and not 'leech' on others all the time.... that i will not get depressed over little little things... in the meantime i somehow feel like i dun hav enough time everyday.... though it's like 2 weeks into the sem i am somewhat behind in all my classes cos i havent' been really reading and doing all the work assigned... but nmind. hope i can catch up!

thought many thoughts this past week, but now i cannot remb them...
think on monday night was moaning and thinking about how i dun feel like i am prepared for sch at all...
tuesday was mortified that my R and C class required 30% class participation and 2 oral presentations, was disappointed that Eichengreen turned out to be pretty boring...
wed saw me busy the whole day.... helping a tiny bit in the making of pineapple jam and lotsa preparation for our steamboat 'reunion' dinner...
yest? what did i do yesterday....
but had a pretty nice day out with my mum today; we went to SF....(finally!) the past few days cos i had sch i coudln't really bring her out either... toured chinatown and i visited the fortune cookie factory for the first time... i guess it cannot be technically called a factory if there are only two workers making the cookies? but the warm 'spoilt' samples were yummy and i bought a packet of fortune cookies... then went shopping in SF... somehow there seemed to be more things than usual to buy and managed to find quite a few cheap deals yesterday!! sadly time flew and had to get to cheesecake factory around 6pm to prevent long waits of 1 hour or more.... and we ordered so much food, not knowing that the portions were REALLY huge ( think our plate of pasta could feed 3 ppl) and it ended up that our tiramisu cheeseckae didn't turn out as nice as we wanted it to be.. cos we were just too too full.
was trying to take a pic of my mum and was pleasantly surprised when an american at the next table offered to take a picture of both of us.... once again struck by the friendliness of americans... it's a nice feeling really, not that i havn'et had this kinda experience before, but somehow experiencing it all over again just makes u feel warm... kind gestures of strangers... haha and it so turned out that one of them in the group could speak chinese! seems like u never know who can speak chinese.... eg. the black guy at gelato place could speak chinese too! made my mum comment that we cannot gossip or say bad things about them in chinese anymore..... cos they might understand!
shall try to catch up on some sleep this weekend...

finally back in berkeley after 5 'grilling'days in tokyo! but it was fun though, wading through masses of people clad in smart long coats in the morning hour rush, trying not to get lost in the most confusing subway/rail system i have come across so far.... it's sch tmr! and i feel kinda lost and unprepared.... and i hav classes from 8am to 5 with only a 1/2 hour break... hope i will survive this sch-reopening 'ordeal' and start off the semester well! =)

today marks the last day of my 3.5 week stay in singapore... will be off to tokyo in less than 24 hours... though i do not have a very comprehensive itinerary for us, i have a few places in mind and hopefully everything will go smoothly and i'll enjoy my stay there =) look forward to shopping in tokyo actually, wanna buy a watch.... swatch watch straps are so unreasonably expensive... wanted to change my elastic watch strap.. but to my horror i realized it cost $36... its like half the price of the watch... =(
wished my winter break was longer; but i guess i slacked enough for the past few weeks, but meeting up with old frens was definitely a big bonus... nothing beats the company of old frens, them asking after you.... catching up with one another... i feel somewhat strange though that despite having been away from home for one whole year, it was pretty true that i had nothing to do in Singapore after like 3 weeks.... I am not sure why this is the case too... so I think i will try to travel more, say one week of travellign next time if i come back during winter. I quite look forward to the new semester ahead though, excited about the new classes i will be taking; this is always the case whenever a new sem starts! =) and it dies down midway into the semester when all the dreaded midterms start.... and i will be moaning away how i cannot manage them....
shall meet up with a few frens for the last time later, get more packing down, the last of my errands run and then it will be takeoff!

havent' blogged for so long! think the blogger site was down the past few days and whenever i went to my blog nothing came out but the blogger homepage... and as a result i didnt' blog....
but so many things hav happened the past week.... sadly i cannot remb them as vividly as i could when i had the urge to blog.... nmind... a quick glance back....
1. Cat + P sch chalet last sat met cat, after a long 1.5 years.... and saw me going for my p sch fren's 21st birthday chalet... that was kinda awkward though cos she invited so many people and i ahvne't been keepign in touch even with the p sch friends that i went to the party with and it was just pretty odd....
2. Karaoking last sun saw me going karaoking with jeannice joyce shu elaine and kailin and it was really fun.... cos everyone was just so 'bu gu xing xiang' and we started jumping on the sofa and doing crazy stuff... and it was like the first time i think i just didn't care about being shy and just sang along...
3. Girls' day out can't remb what i did on monday..... but watched mona lisa smile with my mum on tuesday... it was so spontaneous... almost liek 'sprung' it on my mum... i find it so amusing...... plus the fact that my mum hasn't watched a movie in the theatres for ages..... but we both enjoyed it...
4. Journey to the west.. (haha so crappy) Went to NUS on wednesday to visit my sis's hostel... she lives at sheares and the whole building is so new... or rather, the whole dorm resembles a mini new HDB estate.... it felt strange though stepping into NUS, seeing so many peers walkign around... felt kidna intimidated; wonder if it is because of my fear that i would meet someone familiar? but whom i would know but hav nothing to say to... then met up with huijun and watched sound of colors at her house... it was a lovely afternoon.... watching dvd and sharing our repective experiences using our digicams....
5. Errands day went for a medical checkup this morning, plus to get medicine for this huge insect bite on my arm... =( then went to get birthday prez, bought a scarf for myself... made new specs.... bought paper from the nice paper place in bugis, but i think i left the whoel pack in the winter clothing shop...!! quite upset with myself cos i specially selected all those paper for makign cards.. =( now i cannot make any cards.

but come to think of it i have been goign out practically everyday i havne't done anything serious nor productive..... but i guess that's what holidays are for? though one of my biggest regrets is that i didn't take the chance to revamp my blog.... so i suspect it will remain this borign old template for some tiem to come... =)

cross my fingers and hope that shinjuku washington has spaces from 15 jan to 19 jan.. else i will hav to look for a hotel again... after a few nights of searching for hotels... my initial choice of a cheap ryokan in ikebukuro was met with opposition and some nagging from my dad, who thinks it unsafe and inconvenient.. and i also figured that it would probably be a hassle for me and my mum, considering the items piling up at home which i am thinking of bringing back to berk... and as such i decided to look for a hotel with the limousine service from narita airport.... to save all the trouble...
cooked for the first time at home! for shu and joyce... terrible me made my mum go to the market in the morning to help me buy ingredients... and i think i kinda terrified and probably disgusted her by making a mess in the kitchen, not knowing where all the diff sauces were, having trouble trying to open my new bottle of hua diao jiu... it feels really strange cooking in sg.... plus the wok is different etc etc =P hmmm but luckily i didn't burn anything...
been going out every single day for teh past week i am really really really tired... and i still hav so many thigns to do, errands to run, things i want to get... people i haven't met. seems liek there is no time left.. less than 2 weeks! and i somehow haven't had much time to myself... =P hmm remnants of my berkeley life... with all my time spent alone usually... somehow i now yearn to hav some time to myself, to just go shopping for my own things alone...

it's 2004! my new year resolution is (and i think has been for the past few years but i think i never ever successfully realized it) to be less passive, less introverted and be more optimistic and confident and less affected by what ppl think of me.... =) wonder if i will finally succeed thsi year?
been goign out almost every single day and i am so so tired.... yet i still go out... been buying so much stuff too i think i wun be able to stuff everything into my luggage when i start to pack in like 1.5 weeks' time.... and cannot imagine myself and my mum having to lug like at least 3 pieces of luggage to our hotel from the train station?! really watn to blog more but it's really late and i jsut got back home not long ago and i guess i shoudl go and bathe....

finally watched turn left turn right on vcd today at home.... but i still very much prefer the book. i dun really like how they inject too much comedy into the whole plot... kinda changes the whole mood of jimmy's book... but i guess the movie is just an adaptation, and has to cater to the popular crowd and a more 'sullen'/ less dramatic plot would be less appealing for the general puclic... but what i really liked about the show was how the producers managed to make teh whole setting of the movie really similar to that in the book...down to the armchairs they sat in in the book haha.. well tehre were touching bits too i guess... but thought the end when there was an earthquake and it brought down the wall separating the two of them.... that was somewhat exaggerated and incredible...
doing a lil research for my japan trip... think it will be really ex... hope i can get to visit the studio ghibli, and get to see hayao miyazaki's characters in the museum! but u can't get tics that easily, so i might not be able to go if i can't get the tics beforehand...

made mashed potatoes for the lunch gathering at home yest.. but they were too salty and somehow the masehd potatoes weren't mashed but somewhat "liquidy"... but to my surprise it was almost finished at the end of lunch... strange how my failed potatoes didn't turn out to be that unpopular after all...
managed to borrow the tokyo lonely planet guide from pasir ris community library... and they recommended this cheap but pretty clean and comfy ryokan to stay in... really hope they are not fully booked!! cos it seems like a really good deal... shall call them tmr and hope they still hav places!! getting excited about my trip to tokyo..
and splurged on a coat at zara just now! aargh. am very very poor now... aggravated by the fact that we had lunch at lawry's today cos jeannice happened to have a lunch voucher, buy two set lunches get one free... and though it was somewhat paiseh 5 ppl sharing 3 set lunches... we nonetheless survived our lunch and the food was pretty good.. the worst thing was that we each paid 6 dollars plus for water!! bottled water... 5 bottles of water plus a little more can buy a set lunch....

my plans to lose weight back in sg have been foiled... my mum has been constantly stuffing me with all sorts of food, and it doesn't help that shopping centres are 'littered' with food stalls or eateries where we can buy finger food really easily. and slight jet lag has also made me too lazy to get up to exercise in the morning... and i am just horrified by the amount of fats i am accummulating each day. i had better stop this 'routine' else i will really regret it....
am very baffled why i manage to lose my temper once i come home.... liek i dun think i hav ever been really mad for the past year in berkeley and one small thing, the internet not working properly and sis hogging the comp just made me irritated.... sigh. and i can't use my laptop... =(
am feeling somewhat contradictory.... am supposed to go to aunt's place for dinner perhaps... it's my "dad's side" and i dunno them very well and i just dun feel like going.. yet it's very bad and kinda rude to be so AS... argh. one good thing about staying abroad is that u can avoid all this somewhat superficial socializing.... i mean i dun think all my relatives mean any harm but i think its just awkward....
watched LOTR 3 with Ting.... and it's nice to see her again!! dun think she has changed much though.... =) think most ppl havent... went to eat yong tau foo and tiramisu at shing's place and i think both shing huei and huining look pretty much the same... cept that huining dyed her hair... =)

first time ever blogging at home in sg!!! home feels so familiar, yet strangely distant in a way at the same time. my home seems to be filled with objects that i am unfamiliar with, didn't even know my dad got wireless internet, my bed actaully looks almost exactly the same as when i left it yet so strange when i slept in it... i forgot the color of my bathroom mirror rims and asked my mum, u changed the bathroom accessories ah? and when i landed and saw the familiar faces at the airport.... i was just so filled with joy! and my cousins and aunts came to the airport as well and upon seeing my parents i was just suddenly so overwhelmed, that i haven' t seen them for so long that a sudden surge of emotions make me suddenly break down... but they were happy tears though. and my dad got me a new nokia 6610 with nice polyphonic tunes... yay!! haha i feel really spoilt already.... hope i can make good use of my time here and have a really fulfilling and enjoyable stay at home... get recharged before i start my next sem...

HOME!!!

when ppl are nice and u can't do anything to reciprocate their kindness i feel awful...
when u know u hav a final tmr and yet u are panicking over not knowing how to do maximization problems i get desperate and freak out...
when u know there are lotsa nice ppl and things to do back home in just 3 days' time i get highly distracted
when u know ur econ prof suddenly tells u that there will be essays on ur exam just 2 days before the exam and u realise u hav absolutely no time to study for them i feel doomed
and when u know u hav two finals and u keep complaining and keep getting distracted and not get down to studying i ought to be smacked....

5 more days!!!! had two finals..... and feel really guilty, took a whole day off today and went to watch movies after my 8am finals today.... watched stuck on you and love actually; both were pretty decent.... and a nice distraction from studying..... hopefully not at the expense of my grades though next week. wed and thurs... then i will be done and i can fly home on fri!! never looked forward to going home so much..... ppl are starting to leave starting from tmr onwards. but it'll be my turn soon.... =)

days leading to finals has seen me cooking somewhat gross dinners.... ok not gross, but dinners that i think only i will eat (cos i cooked it so i have to eat it... ) eg. in an attempt to clear out my diff types of leftover portions of instnat noodles i mixed jap somen and instant noodles all together and boiled them and then mixed them with ketchup and chilli sauce... and added boiled vege and fish.... sounds really gross rite. but that is what happens when u have a weird selection of food left at home, no time, + too lazy to use the frying pan.
finals also saw me being almost totally isolated from ppl... and i've managed to be more disciplined and not remain perpetually online, and get distracted by the fact that i am online (it affects me though no one msgs me or anything)... and like though all i do is study all day (practically, most of the time...) i feel happy... like yest i went through many PEIS articles and learnt about the Asian Financial Crisis and somehow i just felt that i was acutally learning a lot.... though i mean i guess i was just reading about it and in actual fact do not have a very deep understanding of it.. but still... i felt good.... guess this should be the 'spirit' of studyign and learning.... to be motivated by what u can learn, and not perpetually worry about getting bad grades... like i keep telling myself to just do my best now, and even if i dun do as well as i want to, i hope i wun be too upset =)

just 3 min of blogging before i go offline to study..... took bus back just now as usual, but not as usual i was actually talking to someone and that someone voluntarily talked to me.... and after 5 seconds i realized my mistake cos she then plonked herself in the empty seat beside me and kept talking to me... till the bus reached san pablo.... i couldn't help but feel a little scared cos she seemed a little not-very-right in the mind, saying how bus drivers are crazy... how she hates the smell of meat loaves..... asked me what i was studying and upon discovering it to be economics praised the money making opportunities upon graduation, alongside business ad.... that i should work in SF instead of Oakalnd... and when she asked me who i lived with i said 'two housemates' and she heard 2 husbands and started laughing loudly and claiming that i was weird and practised bigamy?!! was totally embarrassed but i couldn't tell her to go away for fear of offending her and hurting her as well... so i just entertianed her for the rest of her bus trip..... what a bizarre incident....
was pretty productive and did a bit of studying today, but i still have so much so much to study.. esp when i have so many articles for PEIS to summarize... and only like summarized 4 articles amongst like at least 20?? ok shall get backto work.... =)

lessons are officially over... and two weeks to home! had my jap finals the past two days... and i guess i wun be touching my "tekisuto" for some time..... this last week of sch was actually pretty interesting, with the conclusion of every class, it leaves me to really think about what i have learnt for the past few months... and like what is the point...... is it just maximizing and solving problems on my problem set. drawing and shifting my graphs the correct direction.... and aiming for good grades.... or should i actually try to gain 'larger lessons' about life... about the world i live in.... how should i put all that i have learnt to use in my life....? oh well.
and something quite bizarre happened... turns out that my GSI was so blur that he gave me the wrong grade on my paper, resulting in me doubting my abilities and getting depressed over my dismal grades this semester.... my paper wasn't THAT bad after all.... yay. but still hav to work really hard for my finals if i want a good grade though. this week saw me going for a free film feature at the pacific film archive, an old film about how the efforts of this tokyo woman goes unappreciated when her brother commits suicide upon finding out that she works at a cabaret (though in order to earn enough income to support him through uni).... it saw me going out for the first time maybe for dinner with arthur and sumei at chevys.... and going to the dc for dinner just now thanks to yingxin.... and actually tried to fill ziyang's petrol tank (or what do u call it.... =P) but failing miserably, so blur as to not even knowing which way to turn the 'cap'... or how to insert the 'thing' into the tank... aargh what do u call it... haha nmind i shall not even try to name it... to think that i want to buy a car... dun even know how to pump petrol....
came across this article randomly..... even professors cannot escape the fate of bad looks?

got back my peis paper and i got such a lousy grade it made me upset again... sigh. but i am going to ask my gsi to look through it again to see what's wrong cos i dun feel justified with the grade he gave.... and i watched a documentary on aids in lieu with world aids day and the victims were so ke lian it made me cry.... and i'm sure there are loads of such ppl all around the world, living each day knowing that they will die soon.... yet trying to lead normal lives, to enjoy the company of their loved ones while they are still healthy and mobile.... feel esp sorry for innocent victims.... and my admiration for dedicatead aids volunteers/doctors/nurses and everyone else who actively does his/her part to combat the spread of this disease is beyond words..... self-interested me just gets upset over grades and fails to see the larger picture. that there are so many more problems present in the world...
had no jap lesson today! so stayed home all day... hav to go sch at 4pm for lecture later though. cooked chou mein.....
jap finals tomorrow.... hope i will be productive today and tmr nite!

was just reading through all my past entries just now and i have come to the conclusion that i am probably suffering from depression... and this feeling became much more acute esp after feeling so intensely that other ppl are capable of feeling so happy while i am not... shiyun raved about her skiing trip after she came back on saturday.... read faith's blog and i can't help but feel so happy for her as well as marvel at all the emotions and 'intricate' thoughts she pens down about all her experiences... while i feel that i am always plagued by feelings of self-doubt, inability to concentrate on studying and paranoid thoughts about my friends suddenly all ignoring me or disliking me etc. i'ts not that i really want to think about them, but somehow they just creep up... my resolution to be more positive has not 'failed' cos i am trying to combat these negative emotions, but i just wonder how long i can last and how long will i take to win this battle.... i am not even sure if i was alwasy like that, or have i jsut grown worse over the past few months. i feel like it really affects my relationships with people because my constant worrying about unecessary stuff prevents me from thinking about new stuff, absorbing new information, wanting to participate in activities.... etc etc. i really want to be happy.... but it always seems like an illusion
hope goign back to sg, goign to tokyo can alleviate my mood... but with finals just round the corner, i wonder how i will perform. i hope my grades wun be too adversely affected.... maybe i should really go see a doctor when i go home or something.... and my dad has promised to embark on a mission to make me exercise to rid of all the excess fats that i hav accumulated over the past few months..... =P but with so much cheap good food at home, i wonder how successful he would be?

two days of thanksgiving break over.... cooked four dishes...but they didn't turn out that good cos first time cooking... and the recipes weren't that great.. or mabye ccos i didn't capture the essence of them all.. haha. and my cream sauce went awry and fettucini ended up dry with no sauce.... =P but spent such a long time cooking so tiring i shall never cook 4 new things at one go again =P had a pretty nice thanksgiving dinner among our batch ppl plus jacqui's fren and ziyang's sis but there was so much food i guess everyone ended up really really bloated....
then had cheesecakes at cheesecake factory in SF yest night and i think i am really overeating this holiday... and we might go down to raffles cafe this evening, so it might be MORE eating..... really hav to exercise wehn i go back to sg.. else i wun fit into anything anymore.. and cannot buy new clothes... i think i am still a little stingy, cos i feel that ultimately things here are still too expensive. and i know like if i buy something more than say maybe 40 bucks i will feel really really guilty and i will be reminded of what my parents used to say; that i am much more generous with my money even though i dun earn money.... really can't wait for finals to be over... i want to go home. 3 more weeks.

i'ts thanksgiving weekend.... and i am bumming in berkeley for the first time. feels good, that for once i am not rushing to pack all my stuff like 2 hours before leaving for some trip, with worries about not finishing my homework and stuff when i get back from the trip.... haah not that i will do a lot of work while i am here though. i really doubt it. i think i will prob be so lazy and wake up late everyday.... found this great recipe for twice baked potatoes... so prob will try that for our thanksgiving dinner on thursday...!
monday saw a really really terrible incident happen that i will remb always.... and having recovered from the initial shock and trauma i now see it as a good learning experience, though at a very very painful cost... plus harm inflicted on nice and innocent individuals.... but i guess i cannot keep brooding about it now, except to think of the best solution and be mature and rational and not sink into interminable? depression or anything.... guilt is one terrible emotion that really prevents u from concentrating on doing ur normal stuff....... but i guess i hav to accept that i'm not perfect and bound to make mistakes and as long as i learn from them and reflect upon my mistakes i should be on my path to being a better person....?

had a somewhat unusual weekend.... yest saw me going to ranch with jacqui and i actually bought something from the gift shop at ranch... haha. i think they actually sell a lot of cute stuff there, just that i never ever really look at them.... i dunno why too. it reminds me a bit of giftland in sg... just like more expensive of course.... but i saw this really lcute snoopy post it notes that i decided to get for my sis... =) and for first time bought chicken from the 'rice stall' at ranch for dinner... cos can't be bothered to cook any ''meat dish'' and the chicken looked pretty good..... and turns out that when i got home and decided to go take a nap before i cook i got a call from my housemate asking me if i could go usher for him cos he was stuck in traffic jam.. haha. and so i did.... and in the end ended up watching a play too that night.... the play was pretty good though. =) and then went for dinner at old's spaghetti factory just now with shiying and melvin and sumei and some seniors.... though the food wasn't like fabulous i hav to admit, it was really nice of them to ask me.... and i got to try this interesting ice cream flavor... spumoni or something, choc with strawberry and pistachio... then came back home and was so lazy i went to sleep..... and just woke up... so here i am.. havn'et done any work... better go and bathe and start on work soon... =P
aargh and my driving licence application actually expired!!! hav to go down to el cerrito dmv tmr to renew it, else they wun look at my driving licence application and i prob wun get my licence for a long time to come!

talked for quite a while with my sis! haven't talked to her for so long..... =) and for such a long duration of time.... =) i am really ultra 'swaku' i only recently realized that the singtel page allows u to send internet smses and as such i recently started sending random smses to my sis.. haha. or like to ask her to tell my mum to call me if my mum happens to call me and i happen to be away and dind't pick up her call.... =P have procrastinated and havne't gotten a new calling card since my calling card and singtel worldcards expired....
still sick... =( but gradually getting better though.... just hav an irritating cough.. mainly. i had better try my best to recover! finals in like 2 weeks' time and it would be terribly miserable if i were to be sick during that period! =) and less than a month to home!!! yay. would hav been away for like 11 months by dec 19....

time for a change?

perhaps its really time to make a concerted effort to shed off all my unfounded pessimism and negative thinking that has been impeding me from doing things properly... i sometimes try but usually i lapse back into my old self and self-depracating thoughts get the better of me somehow. i know i might not succeed even if i try hard..... but i shall try to continue and persevere and perhaps after some time i wil see some results... and perhaps then ppl will see a happier and more confident me on my blog.... perhaps faced with the same setbacks but seeing them in a different light... why do i keep thinking that i am inferior to others? or perhaps i need a psychologist... =P

been sleeping so much this week yet as tired as ever... can't rid of my irritating sore throat..... aargh. watched fear factor last night and there was this section whereby participants had to plunge their heads into huge 'plates' of gross stuff such as rotting fish guts and mealworms, then use their head to brush all these thigns away to uncover the numbers at the bottom.... it was really revolting. but it's amazing what money can entice ppl to do. and to trick other participants, these ppl also blatantly lied to each other... to put one another off guard.. sigh.... wonder to what extent will we betray our own integrity for the sake of money....
two more weeks of sch left.... i'ts really really fast. one more month before i'll be on a plane home!!! but i dun want to hav finals.. i really feel that i wun do well this semester. but it's not that i am not trying... i mean maybe i dun try hard enough? cos i usually get distracted from studying easily... worry about not-impt or frivolous things... glad there's thanksgiving holiday next weekend.... and glad that i didn't try to go LA or anywhere else now, cos i dunno i am in a very weird mood on the whole... very not on about doing anything exciting at all...

watched a movie on my laptop yesterday.... one of the things i havne't done for so long. and i surprised myself by crying so much throughout the movie that i think all the phlegm made me get a sore throat today!! haha or maybe it's also cos i was going to fall sick anyway..... anyway, this movie is titled 'the way home'. in a nutshell, it's about how this city kid goes to stay with his deaf and mute grandmother in the country... initially he despises her and calls her all sorts of awful names... but i think the love of his grandmother eventually touched him and made him guilty for being kinda mean to her.... such that eventually he reciprocated and it's just so sweet..... in the end, cos his grandma could neither talk nor write (though he innocently tried teaching her!) he drew many postcards, addressed to himself, with captions and pictures saying "i miss you" and "i am sick".... and i just felt so so touched..... guess this storyline isn't exactly very very original, and some ppl might find the pace of the movie somewhat slow... but i somehow have this soft spot for "non-mainstream" movies like these that try to bring out delicate human emotions.... i think i cried mainly because of the unconditional love that the grandma showed for his grandson, through all her little gestures.. and sometimes at how badly her grandson treated her... i felt so sorry for her..... and it threw me into a fantasy world.. how i wish i can experience something like that too..... get thrown into some rural place and interact with the rural and simple and kind-hearted, non-scheming folks, to get a taste of another 'facet' of life.... but having said this i think my initial reaction woudl be like the grandson as well, cos i dun think i can stand not having electricity nor clean water readily available..... things that i hav taken for granted.... anyway, ppl here interested in watching this awesome movie can borrow the vcd from me! also, check out the website...
my dad got his photocake and he said it was not bad..... haha. yay! =) but on the other hand, sometiems i still can't get rid of my sense of loneliness. no matter how i try; and it doesn't help that sometimes, you just dun feel like doing any homework.

idled my time away yesterday! it was veterans day.... a holiday for us but not for stanford ppl i dunno why? nor duke ppl for that matter.. veterans day is supposed to be a day meant for honoring US war veterans...i think! haha as its name suggests.... baked instant choc chip walnut cookies in the morning, then went with faith to berkeley's 4th street to walk walk.... it was a pretty nice andclassy little place.... with so many artsy shops and lovely paper stores that just made me go mad.. haha. but there were all beyond my budget though. so could only see.. cannot buy. also went to the dicovery channel's store... and i saw this cute innovative soft toy meant to teach kids music. it's an octopus with "squeaky" tentacles... each one making a different note.... it comes with this little instruction card with instructions on how to play mary had a little lamb by squeezing the various tentacles. supposed to be done with kids so that parent and kid can learn together... how smart and fun! =) also saw a book on pyramids, which made me realize that i didn't even know what the seven ancient wonders of the world were! so i went to check it out..... sadly most of them are ruined already and apparently not all seven of them existed at the same time.
then came back in late afternoon and did a few pages of reading..... then in the end at night spent half the time chatting online and packaging some of the cookies i intended to give away..... oh well. but i really enjoyed myself yesterday, cept all the procrastinating.... haha since when was i last so happy?

went to the berkeley fall arts festival on saturday and though it wasnt as impressive as i thought it would be, but some participants of the chalk art competition really impressed me... like they can just start drawing with no reference picture... and the proportions are all right.. and the shading is so brilliant... tsk tsk. i can never do that...
and i think i was strange on sat. maybe i take things too seriously, such that little things mean so much more to me than to other people....
finally finished my PEIS paper... though i dun think it's brilliant but at least it's much better than the state it was in like 1 week ago. really really hope i can get at least an A- for it....
wanted to get a card for my dad cos his birthday's on friday! but then knowing him, and i dunno if it's like all guys in general, he just anyhow chucks the cards that i give him and i dunno if he even appreciates it... haha no lah. i'm sure he does, it's just that perhaps he doesn't show it.... and guess guys can't be really bothered with little little things that girls like me do... like letters and stuff. so i went online trying to search for a gift for him.... and decided to try out sweet secrets' photocake thingy... hehe... now i am really excited to see how the cake i ordered turns out.... i mean though these cakes aren't very nice nor pretty, but the novelty of just trying it once is still worth it i guess... wonder what his reaction would be when he sees a cake with his face on it! ..... my dad would prob assume that my mum bought an ordinary cake or something haha.... =P

i wonder why is it that as i grow older i seem to develop a more serious inferiority complex. i told my mum that i put on so much weight that she wouldn't be able to recognize me when i go back in about a month's time and that she would comment that i bian chou le... haha. but she was like pang better than tai shou... oh well. then i told her i did badly for all my midterms and she was like aiyah dun fail then can already lah why be so harsh on yourself and make urself constantly stressed and unhappy? i wonder if this is really the way to go. sinking into mediocrity yet not be too overly affected by it. perhaps there are some other qualities that i possess that ppl dun.... so maybe i should learn to love myself more and not think so many negative thoughts. haha. at least some ppl appreciate my walnut prawns and beef ball noodles. oh well but what is cooking as compared to other things?
i also realized that i have been away from home for so so long... i was just commenting how i would finally see my mum again after one whole year. it doen'st really seem that long actually. i can't believe that i have been living on my own for one whole year.... really look forward to meeting up with ppl at home... crys jeannice joyce huining cat shing shu huijun ting etc etc..... i feel like i haven't talked to all these ppl for so so long. having said that i suddenly feel so overwhelmed i feel like crying. it's strange. i dun think when i finally see them i will hav lotsa lotsa stuff to say, (BEING ME) but somehow i just want to see them. i feel that i havn'et exactly been talking to ppl for so so long. i'm always like doing things on my own... and i am so AS. yet great inertia to 'boot' myself out of it.

almost won $50 today... but in the end i didn't. and the 'closeness' i came to winning it makes me sadder now that i didn't witn it.... than if i hadnt' come so close to winning it. haha. this was from a psych expt for my econ 119 class... termed a 'beauty contest'...i hav no idea why though. each of us are supposed to write down a no. and the person with the no. closest to 2/3 of the mean of the class would then win $5 or $50 (did this twice; first time for $5 and second time for $50) haha i was pretty lucky and the number that i guessed (part luck part attempted deduction at what class would put down) came closest to the answer... but so did 2 other ppl and when we tossed coins to decide on the winner i 'lost'..... guess i'm just not lucky enough.
yay... my PEIS paper is no longer due on thursday... but on monday instead.. cos everyone complained they had too many midterms and thus had no time for the paper and our prof was finally swayed and extended the deadline till monday. which is bad in a way actually cos then i will procrastinate and complete it during the weekend instead. but glad that i dun need to burn midnight oil today, cos my paper is far from complete. =)
i realized that i am very very ignorant though i try to read up... read economist etc... my brain doesn't seem to absorb and retain whatever information i have come across. as such i have a somewhat limited 'store' of knowledge... about everything in general. i somehow tend to remb things very vaguely and not specifically..... and also realized that its much easier to remb things if u conciously pay attention and tell urself to remb them. as compared to if u just come across them but dun think much about them....

it's freezing these days!! think average temp everyday is below 10C... an awful contrast to the nice comfy 20s just about a week ago... now i hav to wear at least 2 layers everyday when i go to sch.... and it's a chore to bathe..haha cos i'ts so cold. and we hesitate to switch on the heater.... cos our electricity bills will definitely shoot up.... but i turned it on the other day once though... and it was so nice and warm =P
2 more days before my PEIS paper is due and i hav only about 6 pages of stuff... and am really worried that my content is not good.. and that my structure isn't sound... and my speed is really pathetic... i feel terrible complaining all hte time... but i just somehow get very pissed with myself all the time. =( hope the weather doesn't deteriorate... also been sleeping very little yet i dun feel veyr accomplished. my econ 182 results are out but i dunno how i did.. i really really fear i did badly. i dunno why but somehow everything seems to be goign wrong for me thsi semester... help.

Halloween

i'ts halloween today... slept at 5am and woke up at 815 just in time to catch 52L to sch... but was still 5 min late.. and i was just settling in when i realized this guy two seats away had blood all over his chin and after recovering from this mild shock i realized it was halloween... haha. then was going to language lab in dwinelle to do my listening ex when yingping and i saw this guy with a knife stuck into his neck walking around with ease.. haha. guess it's a nice little distraction from all the work and the monotonous life sometimes...... and it rained this morning!! and it was so so cold. my laptop says 9 degrees now... was supposed to come home to sleep but now that i am back i dun really feel sleepy at all though. and on the way back home i saw little kids dressed up as eeyores, lions, tigers, fairies, butterflies and bumble bees etc and they were seriously so so cute. Singapore pre- school kids shoudl celebrate halloween too.... kids look really really cute in all these costumes... =) haha after raving about halloween i hav to admit that i wun be doing anything for halloween though, a stark contrast to my enthusiasm last year..... hunting for costumes to wear to castro... dabbling with makeup and applying it on ppl's faces.... will never forget the long long walk to the SF bus terminal at like 2am or somoething, only to discover that the last bus back to berkeley had left and we had to take taxi.... haha will prob spend today cooped up at home. =P quite sad. the cat returns tics were sold out... cept the late night show at 10pm on sunday....

got my econ 131 midterm back and i did so horribly i am totally disgusted with myself...
=( sigh. felt very depressed yesterday but i guess i can't keep brooding also. will just try really hard for my homeworks nad final and hope i wun continue to do so badly....
slept really early last night and woke up at 5am today to try to work on my PEIS paper and i wrote one paragraph. adn that took me three hours!! haha.. i am so pathetic. it seems a pretty good idea to sleep early and wake up early to do work actually... cos i find myself unable to remain awake after a long day.. usually. it gets really dark really early these days.. .after daylight saving. like at 630 pm it's almost pitch dark. so yucky. felt really nice today also, cos jacqui made some cookies yest and gave me some today! and she put them in this nice little paper box i felt very touched and spoilt.... like it's been so long since i received little gifts from ppl.... haha i sound deprived. i am not lah, well it's just that it reminded me of JC, or even sec sch.... when i think i used to write a lot of notes to people and people actually replied and somehow i am just very touched by little things in life....little gestures which may mean nothing to ppl actually but then i just feel so "warm" when ppl bother to do something for you......They are going to show The CAt Returns at Pacific Film Archive this sunday... can finally go watch it =)

i am turning into a baking freak. in addition to my banna cream pie i made on thurs night i made pancakes this morning and maple cornflake shortbread...... yummy pastries but highly sinful. brought it to shiying's place just now and glad most of it was finished! =)
went to SF alone this afternoon, looking forward to enjoying an afternoon of indulgence in art haha. cos there's this marc chagall exhibition at the SF MOMA (Museum of Modern ARt) nad the show is ending soon so i thought i should go catch it. cos i like marc chagall and since i am slightly freer this weekend i should prob break away from my monotonous weekend routine and go somwhere... felt really liberated when i was walking from the bus terminal to the museum....but to my HORROR there was this really really long line of ppl outside the museum waiting to buy admission tics. it was seriously the first time i witnessed such a crowd outside a MUSEUM.... i guess i underestimated the popularity of this exhibit.... and app ppl had to wait for 2 hours before getting to the front... and today being an unusually hot day i dind'dt fancy standing in the sun for 2 hours..... so i went shopping instead... sigh. and bought a sweater.. haha. oh well what a failed trip.
hav a 10 page PEIS paper to write, on econ growth and devt.... feel somewhat inadequate cos havn'et been wriitng any paper for so so long.... yet i feel really compelled and inspired to do a good job cos the topic is intersting... but i have been ignoring my PEIS for the past two weeks cos of midterms and as such hav accummulated a substantial amount of undone readings.... sigh. shall try to do work tmr and be productive!!

having 2 killer midterms in two consecutive days isn't exactly very healthy for the brain....nor the heart... both my midterms left me highly traumatised and if i thought my econ 119 midterm was bad last week then i dunno what i can use to describe the two this week..... well but of course i think i am partly at fault too.... maybe i didn't understand my material all that well too... but there really wasn't time to complete both midterms.... my GSI joked that i could write off questions 2 and 3 for my econ 182 midterm... hmmm wonder if he also thought that those were beyond us and judging from how he usually criticises the professor... i think this killer midterm would leave lotsa room for students to complain and i wun be surprised if in our next section both GSI and indignant students engage in some professor-bitching...sigh dun even want to think about what i would get for my midterms.. shall just enjoy my happiness now while i can.....

feel somewhat inspired to study when after i went for office hours at the I-house cafe i was really drawn by the cosy and comfy atmosphere there.... its a little like FSM cafe, well just that it is a lot less crowded... and there's music too... but eventually i got too distracted by the music that was playing.. maybe it was KOIT 96.5...can't wait for my 2 midterms to be over... cos i hav lotsa things i want to do... i have to go to the history of art dept to see what their R and C classes are like, cos the English R1b classes dun seem as appealing as i thought they will be... then should prob try to find out more stuff abotu EAP if i am really serious about it... and go to the IAS office to see what PEIS coursees they offer next sem......
can't decide what i should do for thanksgiving either.... should i go LA with shiying and melvin or go oregon and portland and seattle road trip with ziyang and dunno who else or stay here and try to study for jap orals and other subjects for the whole weekend and bum..... all of them hav drawbacks and perks so i really can't decide... =( always feel terrible and helpless when i can't decide.... got a nice icq msg from shing who tried cheering me up!! =) really glad that i am going back to sg in 2 months time!!! after 1 year away from home.... but there is this lurking fear in me that i might be so accustomed to life here already that i might actually find it strange back home.

ziyang let me drive his car today and so i drove alone to ranch and the feeling of having a car and being able to go wherever you want to was really pleasant.... haha albeit it wasn't my car. but still felt a little paranoid nonetheless cos after all i haven't driven for near to two months and thus was prone to accidents and stuff. cable guy came this mroning to install the cable box... so yay now we hav 5 HBO channels for and additional $1 per month... and cooked chicken herbal soup this afternoon and i hav such a huge pot of soup i prob hav to eat it for lunch or dinenr tmr as well... did some studying for my econ 182 midterm and though i managed to review a few chapters my progress was painfully slow.... aargh! at this rate i dun tihink i wil be able to finish studying.... but at least i did get a little work done today.. yay!! =) hope tmr will be more productive....oh forgot to add.. shiying called me to ask if i wanted to go out for dinner and though i had to reject her i felt really nice she asked...

feeling isolated once again haha cos i am alone at home and ziyang is prob at the library and wonder where shiyun is... woke up late today for the first time but miraculously i was still just in time for my 8am lecture!! feeling crappy and yet lazy to start on work so i shall cook up a crappy argument on the importance of having different 'types of housemates. (this previous part was written at 945 pm)

Having housemates with different personalities and living habbits is deemed somewhat essential for a fulfilling lifestyle and i shall seek to prove that the benefits accrued from these differences outweigh the possible benefits that similarities may bring about. First, different living habits. Different living habits can maximize the utilities of each individual housemate. For example, you needn't worry about fighting over who to use the toilet first if u and ur housemates wake up at diff times.. well guess this doesn't apply to me since i hav my own toilet... but it still contributes to my argument hhaha.... and if soem like to get up early while others tend to oversleep the early one can wake the lazy/sleepy one up in the morning to get her to go for class, which is highly beneficial to the latter cos lectures are educationally enriching. (this happened to me this morning... what a blessign that shiyun wakes up early and for some weird reason i overslept for the first time this morning but luckily got woken up by shiyun) ok as i type this i realize that i am extremely crappy and nonsensical and not making my point credible at all so i shall just give up. as i briefly browsed through what crap i wrote it seems highly selfish and self centred!!

anwyay i met my roommate laura for the first time this semester just now when going home and it was such a pleasant surprise and it was so nice seeing her again... even though i dun really know her it was just so heartwarming talking to her once again.... =) felt then like inviting her to my place for dinner some day..... yet it's kinda a fleeting thought and i know i would prob never do it.... cos i prob wun get down to doing it..... sigh. i think i always hav many random thoughts that just pass through my mind and i never really try to materialize any of them. if i tried to.. maybe i would hav a lot more things to occupy myself with... plus more goals in life....

just had my econ 119 midterm and i think i did badly so quite upset. but i know that i always worry so much such that everyone thinks that i am exaggerating the extent of how badly i did.... i dunno. i really felt like changing my grading option to p/np since the deadline is this fri..... yet i dun think i should do so cos i enjoy the material being taught in this class and if i take it p/np i know i wun put in as much effort and as such i prob wun learn as much either.... i shall just try harder on my prob sets and try harder for the final i guess =) instead of wallowing in self pity =) and dear huining was really nice to console me though i was being complainy....
this week and next would be super stressful!! tmr i will hav lessons from 8am to 7pm with just maybe 4 half hour breaks.... will be so so tired. and next week i have econ 131 and 182 midterms... hws and jap word quiz on fri... cna't wait for everything to be over! i hope i can be disciplined and study hard this weekend...

tis a bright sunny sat afternoon and washed my rugs and bathroom mats just now... yay now everything is nice and clean =P went to dump rubbish just now and discovered that there was a lemon tree at the backyard area... and i have never noticed it even though i have been living here for nearly 5months! also tried to cook beef ball noodle soup with the ikan bilis my mum sent me and soya beans and soy sauce and it turned out pretty edible. yay! =) i'm so highly 'domesticated'... and gonna cook dinner for the freshies coming for dinner later....
yesterday saw my untainted view of the world crumble... when i realized that people are not as innocent and intentionless as i would like to think them to be..... that things that i tended to believe only happen on tv are in fact very real issues playing out in our lives, but it's just a matter of whether u actively notice it or not... i feel like i am so tian zhen and naive....oh well. perhaps i am still not very exposed to a whole bunch of different ppl out there, which then accounts for my somewhat narrow and 'cloistered' view of the world. or maybe i am aware of these things, just that i choose not to really think about them.
i am beign random.... but am so glad that i have a pot of little white flowers in my room... makes my life 1% more meaningful haha... i feel happy when the buds start opening and flowers start appearing!! though i am nowhere near a good gardener.... i just pour water into the pot everyday.... haha app plants are supposed to filter the air too... so erm i can also console myself that i am now breathing fresher air?! haha. i am being mo ming.

i seem to hav mood swings everyday. and i think i think way too many bad thoughts everyday, enough to throw me into depression even when i have nothing that serious to worry about. STILL havne't finished my econ 119 homework despite staying up till nearly 3am to do it.... i am pathetically inefficient. shall try my best to crap question 2b) later then drop it into paige's mailbox... went down to Le Conte elementary sch somewhat hesitantly to do Krayola today.... though i like interacting with the kids, me being not as warm and extroverted as my other volunteers somewhat made me feel a little out sometimes... i don't know why but i think i am just so lukewarm all the time that it is also hard for kids to warm up to me... and maybe everyone i meet in general. i dun think i am incapable of feeling passionate about things or having a lot of things to blabber about... but i think i just have too many reservations and worries about opening up or appearing too enthu.... and as such i usually just dun say much.... which also often make me question myself if i am really boring to others... of course i dun think that all the time, but i guess sometimes people just feel a little down and start wondering a lot of things. hmmm dunno. oh well. i'm kinda glad though that i have gotten into the habit of blogging whenever i feel like complaining or 'venting' frustrations.... cos i think soemtiems writing does help to soothe my bad mood, if i am in one...

watched sun yanzi's the moment vcd yesterday and somehow i coulnd't hep but feel that her life is so duo zi duo cai.... well not that i yearn for somethign like that, cos the sky would really fall if i started acting or something... but her mtv with a hot air balloon really made me feel like i wanted to just get into a hot air balloon and just float over everything and all over the world and just not do anything else..... haha
and i was just veyr touched when she kinda teared while thanking all the people who have helped her and supported her all this while; it's just so nice to know that no matter what you do or how terrible u might think urself to be or how stressed u are there are always people there for you...

i have an ou xiang!! albeit fictitious. haha... can't help developing respect and liking for Fanny Price, a character in Mansfield Park... though she isn't highly regarded by the rest of the Bertram family except for her caring cousin Edmund, she nonetheless doens't fail to shine and she is easily the most sensible and thoughtful member in the family... though she is usually the silent onlooker, she manages to make the most out of every situation.... the person who sees all... and yet everyone doesn't think very highly of her... and she's so exceedingly modest despite of her li-hainess.... ok but i am only halfway through my book so i dunno what else will happen. haha i would like to learn to be like her... to observe things and think about them critically and even if people dun think very highly of me i certainly wouldn't mind!! =) i want to improve my eng... was doign my PEIS midterm just now and i can't help but be a little disgusted at how my eng deteriorates when i am trying to write something in a hurry!! i must strive to write in good english, in spite of a lack of time... in short... under all circumstances!!! haha but it's hard... but shall be my resolution of the day. =) think my econ 119 hw is tough!!! aargh. havne't even started on it yet.. and it's due tmr.. hope i get it done tonight..... =P

aargh..
tried to revamp my site but ended up losing my nice paw background!! haha oh well. nmind. now i hav a greyish looking site... =P
bought a little pot of plant from albertsons just now for 99 cents.. it has nice white flowers.... haha wanted to get ham and some groceries but all the ham was snapped up due to special offer and ended up getting mint skittles and plant and wheat thins... successfully made my honey walnut prawns yest =) yay and it wasnt' too difficult.... haha next time when ppl come for dinner i will hav a new dish in place!

picked up jane austen's mansfield park a few days ago and now i am a little addicted to it..... bought it for my r and c class but i dropped it in the end and the book has been lying on my bookshelf ever since. decided to engage in some self improvement activities so started reading the intro last weekend for fun.... and i rediscovered my liking for jane austen's books! remb that i really loved pride and prejudice when i first read it...maybe like 3, 4 years ago... and at that point in time i guess i was like one of those more idealistic 'romantic' secondary sch girl and i really thought elizabeth and mr darcy were very sweet.... act i cannot really remb much of the storyline at all but just that i really liked it at that point in time. many ppl can't stand classics but i feel that jane austen though she writes in proper eng and all but yet she manages to be pretty amusing in her descriptions, which then makes her writing lighter.... well but i guess there will still be people who dun agree with me..... feel rueful that i have kind of given up reading as a hobby for some time.... i used to read so much alst time, and even in JC i still read at least 5 novels a year... but ever since i came to berkeley i kinda stopped.... glad i am 1/4 through mansfield park but with midterms right around the corner i seriously doubt i will be able to finish it though.
had a nice conversation with joyce yest about the books we've read! haha... and we were both lamenting how we dun read now... and we also brought up the topic of lonliness.... and how both of us felt lonely in some way or another.. and she was wondering if that was what many people our age would tend to feel? ya sometimes i think i feel really lonely; i dunno if it's because i go for all my classes alone, go around sch alone... and i hardly talk much to classmates nor do i meet up with many people to do things at all.... and just now when i came home i just felt kinda lonely and xian and yet didn't' want to do any work on a fri night either....
but baked a cake just now!! haha though it was using betty cocker's french vanilla cake mix.... but still....oops but right after it was ready i ate like 1/8 of the cake... tsk tsk... no wonder i am expanding sideways =P
it's bingying's party now and i am stoning at home.... i am 'supposed' to go... and poor zy spent at least 30 min persuading me to go, and nicely offering to come home in an hour but yet i refused to move... feel quite bad but i also dunno why this time round i am actually so staunch about not going... maybe it's just that i can foresee myself feeling uneasy and out among people dancing and drinking away... such that high costs outweigh benefit... even at the expense of offending ppl..... dunno lah. if dun go really 'dun give face' meh?? i mean if they understand my reasons i dont think they would mind...

realised that gsis wun know everything either.... and studying and understanding concepts eventually still 'boils' down to ur own effort and perseverance...went to my econ 182 gsi to ask him how to do probs on the prob set and he ended up concluding that he was confused too and frankly admitted that he didn't know but would figure out. was quite surprised by his honesty and frankness, yet can't help but feel an impending sense of doom haha... what with midterms in bout 2 weeks' time... and i guess it doens't help that he doen'st quite approve of my econ 182 prof either.... who demands they write a prob set every week which i guess meant a lot of work for them and for us poor students too.... same goes for my PEIS 101 GSI who tried to explain some stuff to me but not very effectively and apparently he hadn't done his readings very thoroughly either.... oh well. i kinda miss my IAS 45 GSI last sem, who was veyr much more organized and prepared... =) guess on prob with GSIs is that they aren't very experienced, and for some of them ti's the first time teaching the class, and as such many a time, what they tell us is also based very much on their own interpretations as well..... so in a way i miss the times when i had teachers who were really clear about concepts and could accurately point out what i didn't understand and correct my mistakes.... ok... but of course there are times when i dind't understand what my teachers were trying to point out either haha. oh well... think there will always be things i dun understand as i come across new material... and sometimes it's really hard to get someone to clarify ur concepts...and as long as i maintain a keen learning attitude and not lapse in to the 'i dunno but i cna't be bothered to find out anyway' attitude it isn't that bad even if i dun manage to clear all my doubts? that seems bad..... but sometiems i feel that i am guilty of just letting it go to the back of my brain and i end up not knowing the ans...

watched leo dicap's THE BEACH on tv yest night... and though haunting it was surprisingly thought provoking and i wondered what made me think previously that it was a lousy movie? (even though i've never watched it before) hmmm ya but it was much better than i thought and i also liked how leo narrates events througout the movie. somehow i get attracted to movies with this narrator in the background.... i also liked the ending, which concluded that paradise is perhaps not any place u can actually find, but more of a state, that perhaps u find within urself or 'derived' from the precious relationships with others... well though not exactly profound and we've prob thought about it before but yet i still thought it really true and nice.. =P

received an ominous letter in our mail just now, from a previous tenant or something, saying how she fell seriously ill when he/she lived in our apartment and so did her daughter and now this person thinks he/she sufferes from permannet health damages.. and according to him, past tenants had serious health problems too and that if we are falling ill too we should probably talk.... how freaky.... made me really paranoid... my housemates are half convinced and i guess i shoudldn't think too much about it too but when i first read it i just coulnd't help but feel eerie.... well guess on one hand it might be someone else's good intentions... but then we also wondered if someone wrote it to scare us into moving out??

suffering from a little bit of sleep deficit... stayed up till 2am trying to do my econ 119 hw as well as study for my second written jap quiz this morning... am somewhat disgusted with my slow speed in doing all my prob sets. =( but i can't help it though... i just take some time to get things i think. like i think most ppl only started on the prob sets like last night, whereas i started like long ago, slowly pondering over each question without much results though haha. then in the end had to rush last night....
attempted to be more intellectual so decided to go listen to paul krugman talk about war in iraq and impact on economy (or something along this line i think) at haas business sch, but unfortunately the response was overwhelming and as such i was rejected at the door... haha but also cos there was such a long line i didn't bother to queue up till the line had shortened considerably....
my PEIS midterm is coming up in about a week's time and i dun think i understand all the concepts all that well, def not well enough to churn out a proper essay about the political economy.... and it doens't help that my GSI is more of a pretty face than an effective tutor... and though he is nice and tries to teach but it just isn't very effective in getting me to understnad things. and maybe it's also cos i dun think about things and how the class material and theories relate to real life deeply enough. aargh. i hope i hav enough motivation to do something about it, else my grades would suffer
=(
lets practise jap with a self dialogue......
shu matsu, nani o shi masu ka?? (weekend, what are u going to do?)
watashi wa benkyo suru tsu mo ri desu (i intend to study...)
haha sad rite =P

talked to my mum two nights' ago and she happened to tell me her shocking discovery-- that one of the students murdered in Sydney couple of weeks ago turned out to be the son of our 'old' neighbour, back in the days when we still lived in Tampines... and somehow she felt all the more sorry, because she actually knew the guy who so unfortunately perished innocently. apparently he was sec four when i was in p-school, and we went into their apartment pretty often then... but i cannot remb anything at all though. but the information offered to me by my mum just made the whole incident seem a lot more real somehow.... it also made her more paranoid, resulting in her and sometimes my dad calling me and telling me not to go home too late at night... and not to move around alone unnecessarily...
watched jay chou's vcd that came with the cd album... and they were showing how he had to act in the mtv... and evidently he wasn't a very good actor... and something he said was quite true!! how hard it is to act like u are so shu2 with someone when in fact u actually aren't!! and yet u hav to get intimate with people u dun even understand nor feel any affection for (he was in rome i think and one scene had to make him hug some italian babe and he was like quite emotionless and not passionate enough resulting in many many takes with naughty comments alongside remarking how lousy his acting was)......... but i thought it so true, what he said. like actors can just imagine things so easily.... and DARE to do them too. i think i can NEVER ever do that.. haha... i tend to think twice even with people i know well, like i guess it's hard for me to openly show affections cos i think i am sometimes even scared to tell ppl things in the face..... amazing how many different types of people there are in this world......ok random comment. shall prepare to go to sch....

searched unsuccessfully last night for cheap tics back to sg... spent at least 2 hours on various online travel sites but all these searches gave me quotes of about a thousand bucks for round trip tickets.... =( sigh..... why is it even more expensive to go home this dec... last dec wasn't this bad even... but regardless of ticket prices, i will still fly home i guess... just hope that i am lucky enough to get a cheap deal. or rather, have the perseverance to continue searching for good deals... cooked too much fried rice for myself yest night and i think i'd have to have fried rice for lunch and dinner today.. realize the cooking seems to be what i talk about most of the time, such that 144 hours gave a rather accurate 'insight' about my blog morphing into a food journal or something? haha. maybe its cos that's all i do... eat.. sleep.. study.... called my mum to complain to her the fact that the bottle of dried scallops she sent to me somehow grew mouldy for no good reason!! quite upset cos i have only used a few scallops once. what a waste of money... realized to my horror yest also that oyster sauce had mould on the underside of the bottle cap too!! i had better start putting sauces into my fridge... or maybe it's cos the weather these days isn't all that cold and it should be fine since summer is ending now....

am so so tired today... and my eyelids keeps 'jumping'.... haha old + superstitious ppl always say that is a sign of something bad happening.. but cannot remb whether it's the left or right eyelid that symbolises ominous events. but my right eyelid keeps 'jumpin'....i dunno what's wrong with me. keep taking such long periods of time to do my homework and figure things out, that even when i have a lot of time i end up doign so little. sigh.... i feel stressed.
received jun's thank you card and it really made my day, getting a nice card from someone who appreciates the little things u did =P and a nice email from jeannez consoling me and telling me not to be so pessimistic =P feel like going back to sg now and thanking them! but meanwhile i still hav lessons till 5pm... with only a half hour break + an unfinished econ prob set.... plus i hav readings to do when i get home but i am not so sure i will not sucuumb to temptation of switching on my laptop again at night and end up not doing anything again... i think i am really not that busy, as compared to many of my peers who have to say work or do other stuff too... but yet i dun seem to be able to manage my time that well....

had lunch with elaine and it was really nice seeing her again after so long... =) ever since i moved out of the dorms i never really talked much to her... well actulaly i think after i moved out of the dorms i hardly kept in touch with any of my dorm mates at all. quite sad, well but then again even if i do see them ti's just a casual hi and we dun really hav that much in common to talk about either.... one day i shall try to cook for elaine! =) though i dun really know her that well, yet i feel very comfortable talking to her somehow.
these days i feel increasingly kong xu, that my life is really dry... i think i study too much... or rather i think about work and hardly do any other extra curricular stuff. so i think i'll do participate in krayola again this sem and hopefully do something meaningful for the kids by teaching them art and craft... and i have also neglected things that i was once interested in, such as sign language.... i guess the sad thing is that once u stop doing something, u are not likely to pick it up again unless someone comes along and has the same interest and both of u decide to do things together.... like i think i need to be more active... instead of waiting passively for things to happen. eg. i think it's usually jacqui who asks me if i want to bake, ppl asking me if i want to go for lunch; i think i seldom take the initiative to ask ppl to do things with me..... esp here. dunno why too... maybe i'm just afraid of rejections.... so much so that it prevents me from even trying. that's bad. it shall be my resolution of the week, to be more involved in my own life.. hmm ok sounds weird..... sigh but i always resolve to do things but never really follow through or realize any of my goals... =P

tried cooking two new dishes yesterday! red braised tofu and teriyaki salmon.... haha sadly yesterday's dishes all turned out somewhat wrong... the shrimp paste that i normally use went mouldy and as a result had to resort to the other shrimp paste and i put too much and mmy kangkong was too salty =P and red braised tofu was a little too salty too... haha and amusingly no one could recognize the salmon as salmon. my guests thought it was some other fish... haha quite funny. depleted a lot of soy sauce yest =P
went to library today and tried to do work... and though i really tried, i didnt end up completing a lot. prob being i spent such a long time trying to comprehend stuff.... and long time doing my prob sets as well. i sometimes can't help but think i am SLOW... oh well. getting quite sccared now that homeworks are starting to get heavy.... was actually thinking of doing krayola again this sem... but now maybe not. maybe with my spare time i can attempt to master yu jian.... =) i really love sun yanzi's yu jian. xiang zuo zou xiang you zou is out in sg but i can't watch it... very sad =( aargh. went to play piano today and somehow it revived my love for piano haha. i think i am very 'san fen zhong re du' sometimes.... like when i happen to go do something and i enjoy it i will be very ahppy, and think that i wil do it again next time. but the next tiem sometime never comes.......