been spending so much money the past few days but it isnt exactly my fault... haha ok shifting blame to other ppl. the gift section in taka is simply irresistable... well stocked with all sorts of cute stuff and paraphernalia (hmm did i spell it correctly).... saw this cute jap wind chime but it's ten bucks for a tiny wind chime...but still went home with some buys and gifts for ppl! =)
house of flying daggers is actually surprisingly hilarious. with flying daggers that can aim so accurately at their targets even when these ppl aren't rooted to the ground.... ppl jumping from bamboos too bamboos and using bamboos as weapons... and bamboos so nicely lodged into the ground in such a perfect formation that allows the two protagonists to be 'caged in' nicely together without any injury...but still i enjoyed the scenery and the cinematography... i liked how when the characters are in action, the background just fades into a blurry image...
had the most zuobo day of my attachment today! spent the morning wrapping sweets and chocs for my colleagues... then in the afternoon i spent half the time at HDB book sale fishing for cheap good titles... i was really happy when i found the lovely bones for 5 bucks! =) randomly bought samuel huntington's clash of civilizations cos it was going for only 6 dollars... haha but wonder if it will just end up as a cheem title on my bookshelf.... last day of work tomorrow.... time really really flies.

haha my mum and sis commented that i look like 'bu liang shao nu'.... while i think that i look like i am trying to be 'pai' but not really succeeding.... oh well in any case i had fun and i guess it's worth looking a bit different, regardless of whether i really screwed up and look really strange haha. at least i can look back and say at least at some point in time i tried it.. =P
went back to hwa chong yesterday for the carnival and i feel really sad that hwa chong junior college is going to disappear altogether... i will feel really strange telling someone erm i studied at this junior college... but it merged with chinese high and became something else instead... sigh. think the education system here is getting a little too messy for me.. and seriously if someone asks me what the high sch system in sg is like i dun think i can give a very accurate answer...
taking leave tmr =) kinda finished my project, wrote a final draft for my paper, emailed it to my supervisor who would be back tmr but i foresee her catching up with 2 weeks' worth of work so i will prob be catching flies if i go to work tmr.... just hope that she would hav read my draft by tues.... have to go down to twinhead tmr (hopefully) to repair my problematic laptop, maybe will catch a movie or something.... getting a tummy from eating so much food here in sg.. and sitting all day at my cubicle and being too weak-willed and lazy to exercise regularly...

nearing end of attachment and i have no results!! aargh. feeling doomed. at the same time feel pretty sick of my whole project. and isolated. today very unproductive.... skived for first half an hour reading my novel... then stoned around tried to add stuff to my paper... then peeled a kiwi they distributed to us yesterday... then awaited my free lunch at crystal jade with other scholars and the 'head'.....afternoon asked colleague to give me some suggestions... then got gdp data sent to me by kind person from MND... at 440pm went for my free health checkup and to my horror found out that i have shrunk yet put on weight!! infuriating. i am super heavy now. and i have borderline high cholesterol! felt somewhat embarrassed in front of staff who gave me a mini lecture on how i should avoid deep fried foods, exercise more regularly..... haha. sigh now i am tempted to spend money to find out if i have more good or bad cholesterols.

many ppl take leave for good reasons but i took a day off today purely to slack.  cos staring more at my regression data for another consecutive day would not be very productive i figured.
watched brotherhood today and it was really good! i was really very touched by many of the scenes and somehow i felt that the film was very 'human'... and i thought it had a pretty good portrayal of the sufferings that plague civilians during wartime... the pain of parting... many many human emotions all in one film. at some point in the movie i was actually feeling rather appalled by how ppl just blindly kill fellow human beings just because their affiliations were different... like does loyalty to ur party/country really matter that much that we overlook everything else and look upon fellow human beings/friends with hostility or even plain vengefulness... like what caused ppl to regard one another with so much hatred... so chilling. Other than that it wasn't exactly very convincing to cast a 27-year old actor as a 18-yr old going-to-college boy... and the war was a little bit too draggy.... and little gory at times....  on the whole i really liked the movie... oh and i think won bin has really nice eyes haha. but guess he's the more boy boy type of shuai guy..
oh and i got a really cute black bear soft toy from joyce... =P and i thought it was really cute how its tag had 'love instructions' for the bear.. another addition to my soft toy collection on my bed! =)

getting increasingly disillusioned at work whole day staring at excel worksheets and regression software... and also getting rather worried that i will not end up with anything 'solid' in the end to submit to my supervisor.... and i also got confused cos was looking at the workings of this previous staff who did regressions... and she had like p values that were super high and yet she did not rule them out as insignificant and used all these regressors to make projections all the same..... hmmm.... was she just 'bo chap' or is there something more i should know? 

was sent the pictures of my colleague's new born son; one of them showed him lying on the table in the operating theatre! never got a glimpse of what i looked like then haha. i feel rather disturbed recently with this whole idea of ppl getting attached and couples setting up families... like during lunch one day this week my colleague suddenly leaned forth and asked expectantly, "so you really dun hav a boyfriend?" then went on to give me advice on how if u start working you prob wun hav time for such things blah... and then last week was on my way home i bumped into my rgs schoolmate behaving slightly intimately with her boyfriend on the streets and i felt really awkward that i had to 'disturb' them cos i really wanted to say hi to her... and once my colleagues were discussing which bridal shop has good wedding pics... can't be that ppl working in stat boards feel more inclined towards starting families right... haha maybe for like 3 seconds i understand someone who whole day complains she jia bu chu qu.... hmm but i am a little surprised by how most ppl really sincerely want to get married and have kids. more than 2 frens within span of one week said something like that. and one was rather shocking- she made a pact with fren that if they are both not married by 30, they would marry each other...

shall create two posts for today... went out with our da pai yest night and had yummy dessert at fullerton... but our pleasure was short-lived, with 5 ppl feasting on two tiny plates of 1) tiramisu and 2)pandan creme brulee with coconut ice cream.... da pai has long hair now! but she insists that it's to prevent her hair from scratching patients or something... seems like everyone is getting so womanly etc.... =P
went out with jeannice just now, who just came back from her yellowstone working stint... and her experience sounds really cool! and she happened to be with many nice ppl... for a while her two months there made me feel like she had done more than my 2 years in US... rediscovered far east plaza.. goodness knows when was the last time i frequented that place.. and stumbling onto sunny bookshop just brought back memories of my RGS days... they seem to have a lot of 'funky' stuff there now... haha perhaps can go shopping there after my attachment ends...
then proceeded to TAKA and they happened to have a food fest event there... cannot help but conclude that eating is kinda a national pastime... there were long lines of people everywhere, ppl squeezing past one another to get samples of free food; looking up at the second storey, i spotted this angmoh aiming his video cam at the crowd... he must have been really amused..

who said what?
 
was scrolling through my 100 over smses in my inbox and decided to 'publish' some memorable smses that I have kept in there....
 
an unexpected compliment.... Eh I think u are v cool u're my idol now yeah!
wedding bells ringing?......Pinnacle at duxton is so cool! I want! HDB not gonna build anymore this kind?
an unflattering but amusing insult..... Thats why its interesting. When u cant fit into anything. Then u have nothing to wear tmr how.
secret complaints.... Screamsss. My mum shoopping for swim suits! lucky that din last long. 

I am feeling more comfortable with the bunch of colleagues i lunch with everyday... and i am starting to think that I will grow to miss them.. they are a very different bunch of ppl, chinese-speaking, very shuang kuai and though i don't really have any common topic to talk about with them, I do feel that they do try to make an effort to include me and I am really touched. Some people conveniently forget you when u dun say anything... well I am not saying in such cases it's their fault, because i mean if i myself want to be heard I should take the initiative to speak up as well... I am just touched by ppl who make that extra effort =P and in turn I also tried to share some stuff... like how i got unclassified for maths c haha. cos we somehow started talking about hwa chong and jc and courses we took..
am also pleasantly surprised by the niceness of some ppl. and it's rare that some ppl, even though u dunno them very well, u can tell that they kinda treat everyone with the same kind of sincerity and kindness and u just feel like u should really emulate them...

announcement!
haha actually it's nothing- i just turned on my comment option so now ppl can leave comments... but i think ppl cannot see them and they just get directed to my email add.... not sure though =P will try to look for a tagboard some time later...
got a new laptop on thursday.. so have been trying to transfer files to my new laptop the whole of this weekend. was pretty domestic today too.... made green tea ice cream using jap mix this morning, then cooked dinner for my family for the first time since I came back... haha but very very simple dishes.. my usual sweet and sour tofu plus fried vege... mum cooked lian ou tang. went to pasir ris library and found a cookbook on eggs and learnt an interesting and simple fact about how to tell if eggs are fresh... haha it's probably common sense, just that it never really came across my mind. according to the book, just place your egg in a glass of water or something and if it sinks it's fresh but if it's stale it will rise or float in middle. cos eggshells are porous and if it has been out for a while, there would be more air in the air sac... i shall try that some day... =P
I will have a new colleague moving in beside me tmr...transferred from some other unit.. and app she is familiar with housing demand stuff! yay finally have someone to ask... but also means that I will feel pressured to be more sociable, instead of just slacking away with no worries about socializing with ppl as i have done for the past 4 weeks cos no one used to sit near me... but perhaps it's a good thing =)

I have grown increasingly piggish at work. stuck with my regression and ppl i appealed to for help didn't get back to me... so skived and chatted on the internet for half an hour... then went back to desk and stoned around and tried to look at data i asked from my colleague but nothing productive came out of it... also slightly embarrassing that every single day i never fail to have twix wrappers in my dustbin and there was a strawberry jap yam yam addition to the bin today... cleaners must be thinking this girl does nothing all day but eat... =P
had lunch with a female colleague who to my surprise told me that she had her 1-month anniversary with her bf yesterday and then proceeded to show me his picture... was a little taken aback by this type of 'intimacy'... but then it did create some lunch conversation... felt a little strange... ppl seem to be really open about their ling yi bans huh... shu also mentioned how ppl at her lab all like rave about their bfs, and one 23-yr old girl got upset with her bf cos he wants to study and doesn't want to get married in the near future.... seems that everyone seems very concerned about their impending 'fates'... or is it just at this age ppl think about such stuff...

very girlish for the moment and went shopping with mum and tried on like many many dresses.. haha. but sadly the one i like are too small and those i dun are too big. so came home with none... and disappointed my mum by rejecting those that she thought looked nice on me... =P
this week i did something that mustered so much courage... and i dun regret... and hopefully i will be happier and more confident in future... am trying really hard to not care about what other ppl think of me... i really really hope i will be happy next sem and not get depressed over little things once again.
i got pretty inspired by my attachment project to learn applied econometrics... just that it really is pretty difficult to learn it on my own. looked up spring schedule of classes for 04(by mistake actually) and realized that there was c142, which i would definitely sign up for if it were available next sem.. sadly no. so regretful that i dind't take econometrics earlier... realize that it really is an essential tool for doing research in econ... wonder also if i should go take h195a this year instead of next, and try to write two honors theses?? but might be too ambitious. hmmm dunno, still kinda confused. but somehow, i am beginning to understand how so many ppl can do research in econ....
oh and the amazing race is returning to channel 5 next week!! yay.

Pelagia's Lament

am a little crazy over Captain Corelli's Mandolin still.... haven't come across any author who can produce such a hilarious, witty yet at times really sad and touching stories for a while... Louis De Bernieres is my fav author for the month! haha not that i read novels... prob like once a year.
anyway, would like to share part of a beautiful yet heartbreaking passage i read today... when Pelagia's father got killed by an earthquake

...I (Pelagia) cradled his bloodied head in my hands and saw that his eyes were empty. His old eyes, looking not on me but on the hidden world beyond. And I thought then for the first time how small and frail he was, how beaten and betrayed, and I realised that without his soul he was so light and thin that even I could lift him. And I raised up his body and clasped his head in my breast, and a great cry came out that must have been mine, and I saw as clearly as one sees a mountain that he was the only man I've loved who loved me to the end, and never bruised my heart, and never for a single moment failed me.

but i guess one must read the book to really appreciate the passage... but nonetheless, this is my weak attempt to justify my liking for this book, in case some ppl are really bewildered why i keep ranting on and on about it... =P
on other hand, i felt rather neglected today that my 'mentor' is so busy and doen'st even have time to look through what i drafted and as the moment i am kinda stuck

today i actually felt a little productive at work. drew up some framework for my project, but really have no idea if it will work out. shall type it out nicely tomorrow and show it to my supervisor and see what she says. my email (only source of communication) was down today and so i was totally disconnected. hope the technicians will be kind enough to repair or fix whatever went wrong... else i can't even send emails to my colleagues.. =(
went to toa payoh ntuc after lunch and got myself some jap titbits! haha so as to prevent myself from marching over to HDB nexus to get m & ms... bought this star-shaped rice cracker snack.... so all these crackers are individually packaged, two crackers in one and the transparent packaging has like different faces and expressions printed on them so the star crackers inside get different expressions. really cute. then my colleague gave me some wasabe (how to spell?) peas/nuts and some other rice cracker... haha i have a corner for snacks now. and adjacent to my snacks is this tissue box cover in the form of some white dog character from sanrio... ppl who drop by must think i am still reminiscent of sec sch or something.
and i and still enjoying my captain corelli's mandolin. on page 350 something today. and on the mrt this morning i read the most touching and heartwrenching parts and tears really welled in my eyes. this will definitely come under my list of favorite books though i havn'et finished it... and i bought the vcd yest from HMV! sale so it was only $9.95... shall savour it during the weekend when i hav the time...

i was really really upset last night... but good thing had dear jacqui and jing to talk to so i am fine now =) terrible me always gets too emotional.
spent an unproductive day at office this morning... and it is really unhealthy that i sit at my desk all day long usually, 5 days a week... even unhealthier that when i feel myself falling asleep i look for my wallet and march to the HDB nexus to get snacks to munch on!! decided that M and Ms are efficient image-destroying, fat-generating snacks so switched to pocky... haha not that they are veyr healthy. shall quit this habit altogether...
been trying to look for a new laptop.. and i fell in love with the hp pavilion zt3000 series... nice silver with bluish tinge and very thin sleek design... just dunno if it is that reliable. toshiba is too ex and not very pretty. fujitsu is pretty but out of budget...everyone recommends IBM for performance but sadly they need a lot more work on their design. ok me getting carried away, not that i know how to design exteriors of laptops. maybe when i get a new laptop i can stop using my sis's laptop and connect to the internet using my own laptop and transfer all my pictures... i want to add a new tagboard on my blog... but tagboard page i used to frequent seems to have disappeared.. =( maybe some other time...

watched the first episode of the apprentice which is now showing in sg.... reminds me of the time when i was following the amazing race... though the tension is not as great i suppose...
work is fine i suppose, and pretty different from my life in the US! mainly because i am with a very different group of ppl... for the past two weeks i have been lunching with a bunch of fairly young officers, many of them newly wed (surprisingly) and the issues they talk about are of course very different from things i am used to in berkeley... u hear ppl talking about their husbands or wives... ppl talking about their kids...once one colleague gave a promotional treat in the meeting room and that was when i heard young mothers talking about their kids... one mother was especially horrified when her child came back one day and started imitating william hung and his famous she bangs performance, complete with actions....
have been attempting to read up on time series, since i am supposed to do some demand forecasting... but i am not veyr successful, having gone twice during work to the lil cafe connecting HDB hub to get M and Ms... which on both occasions i greedily devoured within like half an hour of purchase... hope i will be more productive the next few days..

haven't been blogging for some time, shall just drop a note for those ppl who still visit occasionally ;P
last week: developed my LA and europe pictures, watched harry potter with cat shu and toot toot, went to PDO yesterday and discovered to my horror (ok not really lah i suppose) that my primary sch fren is coming as an incoming freshman next year.... cannot believe why so qiao... tried to read my captain corelli's mandolin in the mornings whenever i secure a seat on the mrt train on the way to work, when i am not too sleepy from having not slept enough the previous night...surprisingly it is an entertaining and highly enjoyable read, though poignant at times cos it talks about war as well...
work is still pretty relaxing cos i haven't really been assigned what i am supposed to i guess, though i fear that once i am assigned my job i might not be able to deal with it properly... it's gonna be some econometrics model thing.. and considering how i hav only taken one econometrics class and dind't exactly do well for it... good luck to me
also somewhat upset the whole of last week as well, cos i was mo ming qi miaoly ignored by someone who refuses to tell me what on earth went wrong... and how am i supposed to apologize or correct whatever that's wrong when i dun even know what went wrong... =( i am not even given a chance... now i dun even know how serious whatever is wrong is and i can't do anything about it...

sweltering hot in singapore... and so sticky all the time!! haha ok complain complain... went shopping for working clothes today.. starting work tmr morning.. feel a little jittery but look forward to it in a way as well.
thought that i would hav the time and energy to sit down and slowly pick out snippets of my europe trip to write about.. but sadly i have been going out the past few days in a frantic attempt to find working attire...what else hav i been up to? nothing much i guess; tried to get a haircut just now but sadly when i reached the salon it was like closing in 5 min... watched some tv... quite irritatied with my internet at home, cos it's so erractic and keeps disconnecting itself.. so unlike my smooth connection back in berkeley.. miss it.. and i can't use my laptop... hav to go hunting for a new laptop some day too.... cos my old one is really going mad..
guess i had better sleep early.. hav to get up real early to ensure that i wun be late on my first day of work... plus sis complaining that i bugging the comp =P

am back in london, flying tmr morning, watching harry potter 3 later in 2 hours' time, waiting for cat and her bf to cook dinner for us... strangely idle and useless and kinda bored so decided to attempt to reflect on my 2 week europe trip... but am not sure where i should begin though. it has been very pleasurable definitely, being able to visit 4 countries in the short span of 2 weeks. i dun really think i can really decide which was my favorite place... i guess i cannot really compare because in diff places the culture was different, atmosphere was diff etc and they were all unique in their own way.
i guess travelling is also a way of self-discovery, it's about finding out how grouchy a person i can become when i am worn out from walking all day, about how complainy i become when i had to lug my 15 kg luggage up and down subway station steps and strange campsites =P about how i am actually so picky about showers having distributed water streams that dun wash my hair properly. it's also about having to compromise and not mind being dirty... haha when hostels have hot water that make ur skin red that make it impossible to shower or when there is just no time to shower... or when u take overnight sleeper trains to get from a city to another...
it would have been good and more educational also if i had the time to do more research on the places i actually visited. but it did help that all these places had shops equipped with tourist handbooks and maps from which we copied locations of tourist attractions onto our own pathetic free maps...
travelling in europe was also a small pain in that most of the food available was somewhat starchy and fattening...no yummy cheap chinese food. but italy was pretty pleasant as we managed to find relatively affordable chinese cuisine and signs to chinese restaurants never failed to light up our eyes and make our stomachs growl...

somehow after my LA and Europe trips, i became a lot more aware that i can be easily stressed and upset... contrary to many pple's expectations. =) but i guess that just makes me normal. i think it's just that i dun hav outbursts of anger... or i seldom get highly 'bu shuang' with ppl... but i think i can get moody too. esp when i am tired.. =P

oops ok hav to hav dinner now.. shall continue next time..

am back in london, flying tmr morning, watching harry potter 3 later in 2 hours' time, waiting for cat and her bf to cook dinner for us... strangely idle and useless and kinda bored so decided to attempt to reflect on my 2 week europe trip... but am not sure where i should begin though. it has been very pleasurable definitely, being able to visit 4 countries in the short span of 2 weeks. i dun really think i can really decide which was my favorite place... i guess i cannot really compare because in diff places the culture was different, atmosphere was diff etc and they were all unique in their own way.
i guess travelling is also a way of self-discovery, it's about finding out how grouchy a person i can become when i am worn out from walking all day, about how complainy i become when i had to lug my 15 kg luggage up and down subway station steps and strange campsites =P about how i am actually so picky about showers having distributed water streams that dun wash my hair properly. it's also about having to compromise and not mind being dirty... haha when hostels have hot water that make ur skin red that make it impossible to shower or when there is just no time to shower... or when u take overnight sleeper trains to get from a city to another...
it would have been good and more educational also if i had the time to do more research on the places i actually visited. but it did help that all these places had shops equipped with tourist handbooks and maps from which we copied locations of tourist attractions onto our own pathetic free maps...
travelling in europe was also a small pain in that most of the food available was somewhat starchy and fattening...no yummy cheap chinese food. but italy was pretty pleasant as we managed to find relatively affordable chinese cuisine and signs to chinese restaurants never failed to light up our eyes and make our stomachs growl...

somehow after my LA and Europe trips, i became a lot more aware that i can be easily stressed and upset... contrary to many pple's expectations. =) but i guess that just makes me normal. i think it's just that i dun hav outbursts of anger... or i seldom get highly 'bu shuang' with ppl... but i think i can get moody too. esp when i am tired.. =P

oops ok hav to hav dinner now.. shall continue next time..


oops think dinner will be

am at cambridge using ting's computer to do this!! =) past few days hav been really enjoyable meeting ppl in and around london... tmr shall mark the end of my europe trip and i will be flying back to SF and then SG on thursday for attachment... =(

am currently on a campsite on the outskirts of rome.... just had a freaking cold shower this morning cos although they claimed to hav hot showers there was no hot water... and it rained last night and i had water drip into the tent i was sleeping in... haha ok i sound really really pathetic. i guess its not that bad considering the price we are paying... went to the a few places in Rome yest... the colosseum is awesome! and there are fountains everywehre and majestic buildings sprinkled around the city... going to Vatican city later... =)

am at cat's place in london... london is quite pretty. taking eurostar to paris early tmr morning... but am so tired and worn out today... hope the rest of the trip will be good, and that i get enough sleep.... =)

back from LA trip and i think i got absolutely sick of driving! think we drove at least 700 miles in 4 days and it's seriously demoralizing to have people horn at you whenever u make lil mistakes when driving... or when u hesitate... no wonder ppl tell me it's really stressful driving in LA...
our trip was pretty cool though... i never really expected myself to be able to drive so much and get around without major glitches... though at times shu the navigator and I the driver felt like just moving to the backseats and just slack behind... but of course that was not possible..
it was cool that we actually got to meet ryan seacrest in person and we even took a picture with him! not that he is a big celebrity or anything, but it was still fun nonetheless...
getting lost and having to drive randomly around is NOT a fun thing...
now there's more 'in store' for me... the worry-warty me panicking for our europe trip cos NOTHING has been planned... and i really want to make this trip a good one... and am pretty excited now too actually... just a bit tired and spaced out... and my whole house is in a mess now.... my kitchen is veyr gross my own toilet is rather dirty... and new housemates just moved in... i htink i just bother myself with everything and make myself so stressed...
want to upload my LA pics but unfortunately card reader is not here... so i suppose can only do that when i get back to sg...

somehow i feel that i have learnt so much more about life in the past few days than i hav for the whole semester? i was just struck by how people are often not what they seem to be, that people hide things, that people are vulnerable and need frens... that people aren't perfect and it's the tolerance and forgiving that makes things work... that sometiems it might be a lot better to be open.... that you have to learn to accept urself for who you are, and not always yearn to be something u are not. and get upset over that....
and thanks to jeannice for highlighting the fact that people have differnt needs, and different friends fulfill different needs and thus every friend is nice in his/her own way...
somewhat strange that i am realizing all these in the middle of my finals, but it also made me realize that grades are but such a small part of your life...
but i just dun understand why it's so hard to let go of some things when they are obviously not doing me any good...

can't believe it's one week to the end of my finals... like exactly one week... and i hav so much so much to catch up on for econ 140!!
got joyce and jeannice from the airport yest... and the feeling was just great. being able to fetch ur frens from the airport, letting them hav glimpses into ur life... sharing you life here with them... the only sad thing is that this is all happening at the wrong time! if only i didn't hav finals.. i could bring them to many more places.... and i wouldn't get so stressed...
i really really look forward to my LA and Europe trips though. jsut that i am a little anxious since nothing is planned yet... =P esp for Europe...
i am also finally done with my R and C paper! felt that this was really soemthing i felt for, something i really worked hard for... i really really hope i can get an A for the class. Atonement is a great read... i myself am amazed by my paper topic... i never ever thought i would be able to write something like that on Atonement when i first picked up the book again for my eng class... =)
getting my Polisci take home final later on in class, more work on my hands!

yay! blogger website revamped and they added some nice new templates and the lazy me just clicked on one of them and 'revamped' my site too.... only sad thing is that the msg box disappeared and i will hav to get a subscription again... but like this template a lot.... but finals round the corner, so no time to do anything to it in the meantime. and i foresee it being like that for the next month at least... cos after finals will be crazy zipping off to LA and then Europe.... and then back to sg for attachment... but it would be cool if i do get the time to sit down and really personalize my blog one day.
jap finals tmr... still like only 1/3 done; jeannice and joyce coming tmr and i'm really excited.... the thought of fetching my frens from the airport...this is the first time i'm doing that! hope everything turns out fine. but am rather worried.... i dun think i will get a lot of studying done... but shall try my best ;P

i dun want to get bouts of depression but i still do. i try to not take things too personally but i dun really succeed...
i really need to be more disciplined and determined when doing things... really lack perseverance. =(
yest saw me trying to help my spring break group write out a page for our memory book.. i realize that it was actually pretty fun to write out captions for the pictures.... and all of a sudden i felt like i wanted to join some publication and like write articles... to give reviews on things etc... that woudl be quite cool. and can improve writing skills... jsut that i dun think i am good enough to critique anything though.... hmmm... if i can write really well one day it woudl be so cool....

hmmm my entry looks schizophrenic

baked egg tarts again finally today! =P but veyr bad, took up so much time... but i really coudnt write any more of my paper after working on it for like 3-4 hours straight...... well hope i can finish it tonight though. also was getting confused, dunno if i was being contradictory in my paper.... so... also realized that my major gpa was so so terrribly low!!! aargh. need some booster class... =(

it's so strange i have been going to jacqui's place practically everyday for the past 3 days..... and tues night saw a dodge stratus and a honda accord v6 coupe speeding down san pablo ave.... with an inexperienced female driver in each... i guess it wasn't a very safe thing to do.. haha but it was fun. for like 30 seconds...
i finally got down to clearing my kitchen yest afternoon.... and now its so much cleaner than before.... very proud of myself. just hope that it actually stays in this state for more than a week..... i duno. i think i am very inspired by the new house to do something to mine.... like i feel a little envious of the new house, but yet i think it is up to me to make my place a nicer one to live in..... shall plan to redecorate my room when i come back in summer =P
in the meantime, i feel so so doomed for econ 140!!! and finals are in around 2 weeks' time..... am looking forward to things after that, but in the meantime... hmm....

just came back from shiying jacqui sumei and evelyn's new place... it is so unbelievably cosy and 'house-like'.... and neat!! feel so inspired and envious.. =P no lah not envious but really like their place. makes me want to redo my whole room and whole house and do a major clean up. but there's no time for it now seriously.... so prob have to wait till august, when i come back from my attachment. i guess i can perhaps come back earlier to do something to my room. just that will 3 guys 'tolerate' my little girl fanatasies to decorate the house? the keyboard in their living room, plus the impressive resident pianist who effortlessly allows all of us to relive sun yanzi's songs... it just made the whole house really warm and comfy to be in....
it's so so so hot today..... i hope it doen'st carry on like that... i can't believe that it is actually 22C outside right now, at 11pm at night.... help...

it has been a hectic week and i foresee more hectic weeks ahead... turned in my poli sci midterm paper on tues afternooon after spending a super long time doing it.. skipping sections and lectures to complete it.. and yet i dun think it was a good paper. oh well. had oral presentation and response paper due last thurs.. and stayed up really late to do it.. and had jap skit to do as well. this weekend i prob hav to think of a proper idea for my R and C research paper and the research log is due on monday and i still hav no clue what i am going to write on. but i really really like Atonement.. Mcewan has such a brilliant insight into the human mind... and he's so good and meticulous in describing subtle details.... so so impressive. if i can write half as well as him one day, i would be veyr satisfied already....

am gonna try to make more fried carrot cake later... to try to redeem myself. but dunno if i can do that... else i will be eternally stuck with the reputation of cooking the yuckiest carrot cake in the world that even my can-pick-up-food-from-the-floor-and-eat housemate finds it difficult to finish a small plate....
haha and gonna try to make jap okonomiyaki later too! the jap club made it at spring fest las tweek... so i ggot very excited and i want to try making it.... =P
hopefully i will get some work done tmr....

the last 72 hours has seen tremendous changes to my life here.... not only because jacqui and i managed to successfully make and sell about 90 cream puffs at spring fest on Saturday... but also cos shiyun is suddenly moving out and two other guys are gonna move in next sem! and now my dad done'st want me to drive down to LA and wants me to fly but not everyone is agreeable... and i have a poli sci midterm paper due tmr and spent whole of yest night talkign about housing issues!! and havn'et done my data entry for the week!! and hav to start on research paper for r and c!! getting stressed and i feel like there's no time for anything.... but hopefully it just makes me more motivated to work and get everything done......

PLS DUN READ THIS... serious.
i just needed some place to complain..... i feel so stressed and it's all my own fault.. for not managing my time well and always choosing to do frivolous things over proper work... and i just feel so mediocre at everything i try. =( am zipping off to europe in may/june but though i really look forward to this break... and it's really really nice that my frens are gonna come from sg to visit me, but i fear that i will be so stressed that i wun enjoy their stay as well... though i REALLY reaLly want to spend quality time wiht them... =( how... and i didn't take my econ 140 midterm and my finals is gonna weigh very very heavily.... and i dun hav the capacity and tenacity and perseverence and discipline and whatever to really fight on i fear.... feel veyr horrible. =(

am distracted from work once again... thinking senseless things i shouldn't be! aargh. i feel like saying something but i fear the consequences. but bottling everything up isn't helping either. aargh why is this happening to me
(one hour later) hmmm but just talked to ting and suddenly feel ok.... i'm such a temperamental creature!! maybe all of us are but none of us really show it.... aiyah i dun think i am ok but i'm not so 'stressed' now i guess.... love ICQ.. haha ok i am going mad. maybe i will go to safeway later and try to make mango cream for springfest.... and see how it turns out. sigh i am so undisciplined.... never use time to finish the loads of work i have. and i think if i actaullly conscienctiously read my japanese chapters every week before class, i would be so much better at it. i just complain and never carry out my resolutions.

opted out of my 140 midterm in the end.... at like 730 this morning... after studying for it all night yesterday.... oh well. thought i shoudn't take it cos i had no confidence in aceing (sp?) it and taking it would defeat my purpose of taking it... to save my first midterm grade... had better work hard and do well for finals else face the consequences.... =( feeling very slack today, though i have so much coming up..... why why. oh well. but at least i am not depressed or antying... haha. dunno why i keep reminding myself that these days...
supposed to do a mini assignment for R and C today... to look for examples of 'free indirect discourse' in the novel i am reading.... aargh. dunno what it even vaguely looks like. it's amazing how there are so many different forms of narration that i am not even aware of...

my totally unexpected 2 min of fame?
found myself on our berkeley newsletter...
and if anyone is interested, there are more pics on this other group member's website
am panicking real bad for my econ 140 midterm!!! aargh. dun want to fail..... yet keep procrastinating! aargh.

just returned from jacqui and sumei's church production not too long ago..... and it just got me thinking how creative and multi-talented all these ppl were... and though it kinda made me make comparisons again.... thinking what limited stuff i am capable of... but no i am not depressed... =)
SMSA elections today also made me aware of a mild change in my thinking i suppose.... now that i look back at elections last year, i think i really had self-esteem too low for my own good. on hindsight, i think i would have learnt a lot and probably had a lot of fun had i ran and got the post of secretary... so when i got nominated today, though i know that i cannot possibly do it this year, it made me think "what if...." not that i regret anything, just that i somehow became aware of my change in mindset perhaps recently.... i hope i am getting a lot less emotional and irrational....
i think i am still sometimes upset about my inability to ''get'' things sometimes.... for being quite dense sometimes.... but i am trying to improve.... and i hope i eventually do...

busy! midterm next week paper due next next week... R and C research stuff due soon as well..... and more data entry work to do again! feel really really short of time and it doens't help that i sometimes just doze off on my bed before getting any work done! but glad that i am not idle and thus hav no time to even hu si luan xiang. really really want to do well for my IR class.... i hope i hav time to summarize my articles..... just to get a hang of analysing them... made cookies for my decal class yesterday night and spent the whole night just doing that. but i'm happy! like to give ppl stuff and package them up prettily.... gives me so much satisfaction somehow! haha but if only i derived more pleasure in doing work.... of course i enjoy things that i am learning.... but at times non-academic stuff just seem more attractive. I'm reading this play by Tom Stoppard, titled Arcadia right now.... its such a complex adn confusing book with big themes... and the plot is apparently very smart... jstu that i dind't get half of the things in the book. sad. have to read the first act all over again to see what i have glossed over..... and my next book's Atonement by Ian McEwan... yay! look forward to 'dissecting' it.....

during dinner we were just musing over how fast all of us are gonna graduate and leave.... and somehow the thought of the ppl i am comfortable with all leaving after 3 years made me feel somewhat low-spirited... i think i will miss them dearly and always smile to myself when i think of them when all alone in my own apartment in my senior year..... haha ok.. am painting such a bleak picture of things....
was feeling really mad today and went to berkeley and bought 3 things from GAP.... and wanted to get a roxy flip flops but it was ex and felt it was being very extravagant.. but then again i hardly shop... just that my high expenditure during the past month pulled me back.... sigh. wished there were factory outlets just next door or something! =P

am finally at home, indulging in being able to use the internet once again... haha actually it's not that bad. i pretty much survived without it. it's just that when u hav it, u just keep staying online...
after 5 consecutive days of service, i am glad that i am finally home. not that i din'dt enjoy my trip, i really did! cos it was fun and informative and heartwarming.... but i guess there is a limit to hwat you can take at one go... so five days of com service was quite enough for me. it can be a little tiring really.... and i miss the luxury of my powerful shower at home! the trickle of water at the hostel was really miserable but of course i am not complaining.... just a comment.... =)
i also find it amazing how the very different personality of each member on the trip added so much variety yet dind't cause any major conflicts among us... and even though some ppl were less receptive than others, some took more initiative than others, some were more fun than others, i thought it was cool how everything worked out pretty well, and i actually felt a little sad that our trip was ending at the time i parted with my groupmates....and one thing that struck me througout the trip was the love and patience and compassion of so many ppl out there.... to be wiling to make sacrifices for this community... that was really heartwarming and definitely taught me to be more considerate and sensitive to the needs of this community...
though i have to admit that i still dun fit in well with americans, but wiht some effort i think it's still possible to talk to them etc.... and many of the ppl on this trip are really nice ppl... just a pity they will likely remain nice ppl whom i wun really be able to become better friends with...one girl Martha was especially memorable.... i think i was just being my usual self and quiet... and yet shes sometimes tried to like 'pull' me along in doing stuff... like there was talentime at the ala costa center and the kid called out her name and she just pulled me along onto the stage... and then we were supposed to perform... haha though i felt very embarrassed but i just like tried to not show it and tried to do some funny actions for the fun of it... guess when ppl take the initiative to 'pull' me out of my comfort zone, i then tend to reciprocate and then be a little more chummy with them.... =)

tis 720 am now and i just woke up and we are gonna set off at 8am to this facility to go on a field trip with some of the ppl.... and in the afternoon we are gonna go to a watchdog facility... i really look forward to that! am on a 10-min one dollar computer terminal at my hostel now and just decided to write soething really short.... the past two days have been interesting... there were ups and downs and points when i kinda regretted coming on this trip but now i quite look forward to the things we are gonna do for the next few days and hopefully i'll really enjoy myself.... and something unprecendented... i went running in the morning yest in the heart of San Francisco!! haha so nan de, me exercising.... oh no no more time on this comp..... will write when i get back

seems like the name william hung doesn't fail to excite everywhere.... went for office hours yesterday and i think one group was gonna do somehitng related to this 'theme'.... and i think the sensei asked who is william hung, is he handsome?? then the girl had to say chotto.... (like deliberating..)... then this ang moh sensei came out from the inner office and said very enthusiastically.... "totemo handsamu desu!" and it made everyone laugh....
i went to talk to komatsu sensei and she was really nice.. and i really had fun trying to tell her about my trip to tokyo.... and cos i went to the Ghibli museum (which she hasn't been to) i told her that it was very cute and interesting and that she should bring her kids there! haha felt very proud of myself momentarily.... like telling jap teacher places in japan.... haha. supposed to do a lot of work this week.... but sadly i haven't. and preparing for jap oral quiz also took up some time.... am going for hans blix talk at zellerback later... hope it will be insightful and interesting..... not that i thik i will be able to fully appreciate everything that will be said, but at least i will hav tried...... still very upset about my inability to scale greater heights academically..... and got a not too good score for my econ 140 midterm as well... =( dame desu!
but on the other hand, i was really happy on monday cos i drove alone all the way to fremont to purchase my laptop adapter.. felt really really independent!! though of course i was a little scared at the same time, worried that somthing might happen to car or to me...... but glad it all went well....

hectic week is finally over! and one more week to spring break and finally a small respite... but in the meantime, still have to 'ganbatte'... in all my subjects! hope my r and c paper was a lot better than the previous one, cos i really tried my best to improve it.... went down to stanford yest with chester trina and darwin and met jing for dinner! it's a different feeling altogether, being able to drive down in ur own car!! i really really enjoy and treasure my new-found convenience, independence and 'authority' and now i really cannot imagine myself being deprived of this 'luxury' anymore!! and today's the first anniversary of the car..... hmm perhaps i should be glad that there hasn't been any major damages to the car other than this big terrible scratch i made to the bumper and have yet to get rid of.... but i have to say that i am a somewhat reckless driver and after u get more comfortable driving, i tend to drive faster but not BETTER.... eeks. had better exercise some self-control...

what do u do with secrets that u have to keep forever... write them down and fold it into a boat and let it drift away with the currents in the sea?....

my low spirits were lifted yesterday evening when i received a surprise birthday parcel, filled with a card and gifts that showed such sincerity and thoughtfulness on the part of the sender that i was really really touched and felt really blessed that i actually meant so much to someone.... =)
and the reason for my low spirits is that i have to rewrite my r and c paper that i spent so much time on... like write a totally new essay or risk getting maybe C on my paper... cos my gsi said my thesis wasn't controversial. sigh. felt very shi bai then.... haven't been able to think of anything new to work on.... and it's due on fri.... (managed to get one day extension)... but i shan't complain. shall just try my best and hopefully i can think of something.... usually this would put me into depression, but i am trying to remain positive now and just get it done and not let if affect my mood too much.... else the daily insecurities i still face these days would plunge me into depression again. not healthy. thought i could slack this week... but sadly no.... =(

had a fulfilling field trip to the ala costa center , as part of the preparation activities lined up for our spring break trip.... it's near north berkeley and has this little park right beside it which enables the kids to play and hav games there.. qutie a nice environment. The person who gave us a tour of the place was really helpful and welcoming and after the introduction we were left to interact with the kids.... initially i felt really strange and awkward, cos i have to admit i was a little shocked and i didn't know what i should do. like trying to talk to them might not be something desirable.. from their point of view. like i started talking to this boy, who seemed pretty receptive. but after a few min he just said 'can you pls go away' and i just felt really bad that even though i was trying to help, it kinda backfired. but eventually got a little more comfortable and one incident made me really overwhelmed... i think i was just standing at the field watching them play games, then this little boy slid his hand into mine and then just stood silently by me. then one teacher suddenly asked him, "why are u crying" and then i realized that he was just tearing.... and so i tried to find out what happened but he refused to say anything and seemed to just want to hold my hand and have me 'protect' him for a while.... so i did. and for the next few min we just stood there silently and somehow when he was just fidgeting my fingers while holding on to my hand i just felt so conscious of it and i was just so happy that I coudl at least provide some form of 'reassurance' to him.... then after some time i think he kinda 'recovered' and went to play with other kids... leaving me baffled as to what really happened, yet strangely touched.... i think i might really have a soft spot for kids. and i was also quite upset when talking to this shy girl, who didn't dare to really look at me and kept saying that she was dumb....
but i am so glad that these kids have such a facility set up for them, that prevents them from unnecessary ridicule from uneducated members of the public, yet teaching them useful skills (like how to read road signs) to integrate them into society... and the dedication of the teachers there make me wonder, what i shoudl actually do with my life. should i just be concerned about academic pursuits or shoudl i sometimes pause a little while and try to appreciate other things in life, or try to do some things that are meaningful that i will remember for life...
on a lighter note, some berkeley students actually wanted to feature us in their prog... so then we had a tv crew follow us and it was strangely fake when we were filmed entering the centre, and have ppl follow us around. the person doing the program wasn't very nice and somehow her way of trying to portray our efforts made me feel that it was somewhat superficial? like she wanted me to pose and sit around the kids and interact wtih them..... like such actions totally mismatch our intentions and just made me feel that the way she was trying to go about doing her program in a wrong way...
and i am now paranoid..... that this thing may appear on national tv..... and i totally didn't knwo about it till we reached the place... and i had very luan hair and looked very terrible. eeks. so gross.

been into so much contact with christianity- films, ppl recnetly that i really dunno what i should make of everything that is put before me. was gonna go into the library to hibernate and start studying for my poli sci midterm, when 2 ppl approached me just at the entrance and requested to talk to me.... and they started on how i should receive the lord, that i am a sinner and since birth i have been sinning.... and for about half an hour i just stood there listening to them.... i'm not trying to be cynical, but i sometimes find it chilling how many christians seem so mesmerized and unsuspecting of what they believe in..... i jsut find it difficult to believe in something that i dun even know exists.... they told me that i should give it a try... what if it's real? but i just cannot bring myself to do things based on this 'what if' premise..... in this aspect at least. i can imagine what if i get into a car crash and so i buy insurance. i can imagine what if i fall sick.... so i try to not eat unhealthy food or too much throat-irritating things all at one go..... perhaps it's because these things that i think might happen i can actually imagine them happening. but what if "God" is real i just cannot seem to fathom... wonder if there's faulty logic there?

it was definitely comforting and heartwarming to have friends remember your birthday and take so much effort to celebrate it for you.... and i definitely got a pleasant surprise (though it would be more of a surprise had 'random' ppl not dropped me hints) with a yummy irish cream cheesecake, an enjoyable dinner at an Italian restaurant, a bouquet of flowers from my usually self-declared cheapo housemate, cards, prezs and well wishes from my friends, what else can i ask for? not forgetting ppl who weren't by my side, who made the effort to drop me calls... =) but my pessimistic and worrisome self never fails to inject some negative thoughts into me, as i actually thought, what hav i done to deserve all if any of this.... and then upon conveying such thoughts to a friend, i got lightly reproached for harbouring such thoughts at all... and they were 'termed' annoying.... yes, i should prob stop being so paranoid!!
spending all night out on thursday made me oversleep and as such i had to study in a flurry for my jap word quiz on friday morning... haha hope i dun do too badly.. but if i do, i have the consolation that it was 'all for a good cause'.....

then on friday i really enjoyed the night, just baking cooked chicken pieces and fishsticks from albertsons.... i also cooked my caramelized chicken wings again.... but got a comment that it prob wil taste better with unagi.. haha. and had the luxury of eating tang yuans... but got myself so stuffed with food that i prob gained a few pounds that night. eating and watching some spelling bee competition on tv and just hanging out with frens on a friday night with no worries about deadlines or midterms whatsoever was just so pleasant. and we drove up to lawrence lab to look at berkeley/ bay area and the bright lights at night.... it was really nice. though cold.... and the usually high-tolerance-cold-me chickend out and sat in the car half the time.... and i love driving at night! when there are no cars esp.... sigh i still need to improve my lane change skills...

am working on my r and c paper now.... and i hav to work really really hard for my poli sci midterm next week.... no time! still hav to go to sch later to complete my data entry work for the week.... hopefully i wil hav time to come back in time to catch a lil bit of oscars... =)

i have to admit that I do not have a very high level of self-confidence to begin with... and it leaves me wondering what i should think of myself, when at some point you find that whatever u say is constantly shot down by others? or things that you appreciate, or find interesting are frowned upon by others? well maybe not exactly frowned upon, but perhaps deemed no big deal.... or that your beliefs seem to be somewhat naive and not worthy of any notice? should i then attribute it to the differences in people's opinions and welcome the comments or shoudl i start to question myself and reflect on all my inadequacies.... ok not sure it there is such a word...
when met with such a situation, when everything you do seems to be mediocre, is it not reasonable to get upset with yourself or should i live on with an optimism that all is well and that i shouldn't compare myself with others cos it would just make myself depressed? (ok i think my last sentence sounded a little suicidal but i hav no such tendency at the least.... ) just some thoughts...

am gonna start on some data entry work this week; hopefully i will get adept at using the number pad and be able to work efficiently and quickly soon =) i also just realized that there are many microcomputing facilities on campus for studnets to print stuff, save their work, use various software etc.... how silly. having only realized that after 1.5 years in berkeley!! prior to this i hav always wondered why moffitt 3rd floor computers had no other programs and is it only that ppl cna go the unit computing centres to do their work....how naive of me
cooked caramelized chicken wings yest and they tasted pretty yummy! just that perhaps i shoudl hav left them in the oven for maybe 10 min longer... i was just afraid they will get 'chao da' cos the aluminium foil had burnt sauce on it already.... also did some slightly different things this weekend; tried zachary's chicago pizza along solano on sat evening.... i'ts deep dish pizza and lotsa chewy cheese and tomatos... pretty yummy but burnt a little hole in my already 'depleted' pocket.... then washed my car on sunday afternoon.... it's not easy to ''take care'' of a car really...

i finally got a car!!! a 2001 silver honda accord coupe. stopped writing for so long i don't really know what to write anymore....
but it was def satisfying and exciting being able to drive my own car..... unfortunately after a week of driving i don't think it has improved tremendously.... and i am still as bad as ever in changing lanes and i would prob be stuck on a freeway going straight till goodness knows when if there weren't ppl in my car helping me look out and tellign me if i can change lanes.... but I hope practice would gradually improve and perfect my driving skills!
it's been a hectic week, but I must say it has been a pretty happy one? albeit busy. dun think i did well for my econ 140 midterm but shall not think too much about it.... i was strangely surprised a few days ago, when in one day i accutally talkead to 3 of my jap 1b classmates..... and someone came up to me to ask if i could email econ 140 solutions to him if my gsi forwarded it to my section...... somehow i felt nice cos it was indeed an improvement from my last sem, when human communication was like minimal..... though i still dun talk to a lot of ppl and hav few frens, i just hope i am gradually improving... =) failed a pop quiz in my eng class..... did a mini 3 min presentation on schizophrenia in my disability decal class..... there def seems to be much more variety in my academic life... =) yay. but i think i'm gonna be really busy.... paper coming up and things due.... but i will persevere...

i got into my alt spring breaks decal class "Understanding Disabilities"... first meeting later in the evening... look forward to it. hope i'll benefit and really enjoy it and help ppl at the same time =)
i am now hanging on to econ 115 and i hope i wun be overworked. can feel all the work coming in despite it only being the 4th week of school... and i quite love my poli sci 120a professor! she is so witty and clever and articulate.... and patient with students i think... eg if she asks a question and nobody answers she wun looked pissed or anything but say more things to make us think more.... and she uses many examples to illustrate her point... only regret is i either fall asleep on my bed or hav no time to do my readings...
been looking for a car for the past 2 weeks or so, but to no avail. it's so tough to find something u really want... and it's either too ex or the mileage too high. =(

a week ago at this time i was waiting for zy and shiyun to come home to all go for dinner at yue foo.... time passes really fast and my mum has gone for a week already... sitting at my comp and not wanting to do anything at all now... with the jay chou fantasy cd that huijun gave me playing on my laptop.... somehow feel very lonely all of a sudden, no mum to accompany me when i feel lonely...
haha but i should be fine lah. aargh i forgot to drop my econ 115 before the drop deadline.... adn now i hav to pay 10 bucks if i want to drop the class!!! irritating =( so i think i might stick to it and hang on.... unless i am doing really badly then i will drop it... and after all i bought the 'textbook'... jsut havne't gotten the readers.... sadly i fell asleep in eichengreen's lecture today AGAIN... but when i woke up he actually went through some things about international monetary econ that actually made some sense (as compared to my econ 182 last sem).... so maybe he can be a little boring but he isn't that bad at explaining stuff it seems.....
I wonder if i will get into my com service decal class, and whether I would really get involved, get to know new ppl and do something really meaningful. It's like I always hav all these great plans for myself... to get really involved in stuff and stop myself from hu si luan xianging and getting depressed.... but usually they are not realized.... like I went for Bears for Unicef meeting last wed... then like members had to help table at Sproul.. and I am just like somewhat shy and i dun want to sit at Sproul all alone by myself.... so in the end i dind't join. then I wanted to join this Girls Inc org, to teach girls to read...... but the sch is in San Leandro, which is beyond Oakland Airport... and so far how i go... sigh. hopefully nice surprises come my way and I can hav a differnet and enjoyable semester.... =)

glad my mum reached sg safe and sound.... i must admit i did have worries about her not being able to transit correctly, it being the first time she was taking a long dist flight alone... and it was funny how she complained that sg was so humid and that she felt really hot even at 2am at night... now she understands how i feel whenever i first get back to sg.. quite cool. and now she can imagine how i am sometimes 'bullied', who i am referring to when i mention names....
jacqui and i baked chester an ice cream cake yest... and i tried to make this 'strawberry dream cake' for jacqui and glad both turned out well =) i also realized how diff it is to spread cream.... prior to this i thought spreading cream evenly on ur sponge cake is a breeze.... till i made a unsightly mess out of mine... haha but i covered it up with choc fudge so it wasn' tthat obvious =)
and i have been eating out so so often i havne't cooked a single meal this week!! but somehow today made me feel really nice, that i was on pretty good terms with ppl in our batch.... somehow there has never been a sat weekend last sem i think when i actually had both lunch adn dinner with our batch ppl.... i will usually be cooped up in my room, making a sandwich for lunch or something. mabye cos it's the start of the semester and everyone's relatively freer.
went for the Bears for UNICEF meeting.... but am put off by the fact that i have to table at sproul at lealst for an hour each day... i guess it's not a very valid reason to not volunteer, but i really dread the idea of having to sit at sproul during the busiest and most crowded hours of the day and watching ppl walk past u.....so i guess maybe i wun join.
hope i get into the alternative spring break decal that i wnat to join though. =)

my mum is leaving in 2 days' time! i will then be relegated to no one filling my water bottle in the morning for me... no one cooking dinner for me... no one gossiping to me... no one living in my room... warming it up wiht her presence.. haha ok i am starting to talk crap... but i hoped my mum enjoyed her stay here... and i am sure she got really amused by my frens, esp chester and ziyang who are so crazy... glad that she got to get a taste of my life here =)
many things to look forward to this semester.. hoepfully i get into the decal which seems to promise a meaningful spring break... and maybe i'll just drop econ 115 and concentrate on my remaining 4 classes and really enjoy them.. and hope i have the chance to drive myself around and not 'leech' on others all the time.... that i will not get depressed over little little things... in the meantime i somehow feel like i dun hav enough time everyday.... though it's like 2 weeks into the sem i am somewhat behind in all my classes cos i havent' been really reading and doing all the work assigned... but nmind. hope i can catch up!

thought many thoughts this past week, but now i cannot remb them...
think on monday night was moaning and thinking about how i dun feel like i am prepared for sch at all...
tuesday was mortified that my R and C class required 30% class participation and 2 oral presentations, was disappointed that Eichengreen turned out to be pretty boring...
wed saw me busy the whole day.... helping a tiny bit in the making of pineapple jam and lotsa preparation for our steamboat 'reunion' dinner...
yest? what did i do yesterday....
but had a pretty nice day out with my mum today; we went to SF....(finally!) the past few days cos i had sch i coudln't really bring her out either... toured chinatown and i visited the fortune cookie factory for the first time... i guess it cannot be technically called a factory if there are only two workers making the cookies? but the warm 'spoilt' samples were yummy and i bought a packet of fortune cookies... then went shopping in SF... somehow there seemed to be more things than usual to buy and managed to find quite a few cheap deals yesterday!! sadly time flew and had to get to cheesecake factory around 6pm to prevent long waits of 1 hour or more.... and we ordered so much food, not knowing that the portions were REALLY huge ( think our plate of pasta could feed 3 ppl) and it ended up that our tiramisu cheeseckae didn't turn out as nice as we wanted it to be.. cos we were just too too full.
was trying to take a pic of my mum and was pleasantly surprised when an american at the next table offered to take a picture of both of us.... once again struck by the friendliness of americans... it's a nice feeling really, not that i havn'et had this kinda experience before, but somehow experiencing it all over again just makes u feel warm... kind gestures of strangers... haha and it so turned out that one of them in the group could speak chinese! seems like u never know who can speak chinese.... eg. the black guy at gelato place could speak chinese too! made my mum comment that we cannot gossip or say bad things about them in chinese anymore..... cos they might understand!
shall try to catch up on some sleep this weekend...

finally back in berkeley after 5 'grilling'days in tokyo! but it was fun though, wading through masses of people clad in smart long coats in the morning hour rush, trying not to get lost in the most confusing subway/rail system i have come across so far.... it's sch tmr! and i feel kinda lost and unprepared.... and i hav classes from 8am to 5 with only a 1/2 hour break... hope i will survive this sch-reopening 'ordeal' and start off the semester well! =)

today marks the last day of my 3.5 week stay in singapore... will be off to tokyo in less than 24 hours... though i do not have a very comprehensive itinerary for us, i have a few places in mind and hopefully everything will go smoothly and i'll enjoy my stay there =) look forward to shopping in tokyo actually, wanna buy a watch.... swatch watch straps are so unreasonably expensive... wanted to change my elastic watch strap.. but to my horror i realized it cost $36... its like half the price of the watch... =(
wished my winter break was longer; but i guess i slacked enough for the past few weeks, but meeting up with old frens was definitely a big bonus... nothing beats the company of old frens, them asking after you.... catching up with one another... i feel somewhat strange though that despite having been away from home for one whole year, it was pretty true that i had nothing to do in Singapore after like 3 weeks.... I am not sure why this is the case too... so I think i will try to travel more, say one week of travellign next time if i come back during winter. I quite look forward to the new semester ahead though, excited about the new classes i will be taking; this is always the case whenever a new sem starts! =) and it dies down midway into the semester when all the dreaded midterms start.... and i will be moaning away how i cannot manage them....
shall meet up with a few frens for the last time later, get more packing down, the last of my errands run and then it will be takeoff!

havent' blogged for so long! think the blogger site was down the past few days and whenever i went to my blog nothing came out but the blogger homepage... and as a result i didnt' blog....
but so many things hav happened the past week.... sadly i cannot remb them as vividly as i could when i had the urge to blog.... nmind... a quick glance back....
1. Cat + P sch chalet last sat met cat, after a long 1.5 years.... and saw me going for my p sch fren's 21st birthday chalet... that was kinda awkward though cos she invited so many people and i ahvne't been keepign in touch even with the p sch friends that i went to the party with and it was just pretty odd....
2. Karaoking last sun saw me going karaoking with jeannice joyce shu elaine and kailin and it was really fun.... cos everyone was just so 'bu gu xing xiang' and we started jumping on the sofa and doing crazy stuff... and it was like the first time i think i just didn't care about being shy and just sang along...
3. Girls' day out can't remb what i did on monday..... but watched mona lisa smile with my mum on tuesday... it was so spontaneous... almost liek 'sprung' it on my mum... i find it so amusing...... plus the fact that my mum hasn't watched a movie in the theatres for ages..... but we both enjoyed it...
4. Journey to the west.. (haha so crappy) Went to NUS on wednesday to visit my sis's hostel... she lives at sheares and the whole building is so new... or rather, the whole dorm resembles a mini new HDB estate.... it felt strange though stepping into NUS, seeing so many peers walkign around... felt kidna intimidated; wonder if it is because of my fear that i would meet someone familiar? but whom i would know but hav nothing to say to... then met up with huijun and watched sound of colors at her house... it was a lovely afternoon.... watching dvd and sharing our repective experiences using our digicams....
5. Errands day went for a medical checkup this morning, plus to get medicine for this huge insect bite on my arm... =( then went to get birthday prez, bought a scarf for myself... made new specs.... bought paper from the nice paper place in bugis, but i think i left the whoel pack in the winter clothing shop...!! quite upset with myself cos i specially selected all those paper for makign cards.. =( now i cannot make any cards.

but come to think of it i have been goign out practically everyday i havne't done anything serious nor productive..... but i guess that's what holidays are for? though one of my biggest regrets is that i didn't take the chance to revamp my blog.... so i suspect it will remain this borign old template for some tiem to come... =)

cross my fingers and hope that shinjuku washington has spaces from 15 jan to 19 jan.. else i will hav to look for a hotel again... after a few nights of searching for hotels... my initial choice of a cheap ryokan in ikebukuro was met with opposition and some nagging from my dad, who thinks it unsafe and inconvenient.. and i also figured that it would probably be a hassle for me and my mum, considering the items piling up at home which i am thinking of bringing back to berk... and as such i decided to look for a hotel with the limousine service from narita airport.... to save all the trouble...
cooked for the first time at home! for shu and joyce... terrible me made my mum go to the market in the morning to help me buy ingredients... and i think i kinda terrified and probably disgusted her by making a mess in the kitchen, not knowing where all the diff sauces were, having trouble trying to open my new bottle of hua diao jiu... it feels really strange cooking in sg.... plus the wok is different etc etc =P hmmm but luckily i didn't burn anything...
been going out every single day for teh past week i am really really really tired... and i still hav so many thigns to do, errands to run, things i want to get... people i haven't met. seems liek there is no time left.. less than 2 weeks! and i somehow haven't had much time to myself... =P hmm remnants of my berkeley life... with all my time spent alone usually... somehow i now yearn to hav some time to myself, to just go shopping for my own things alone...

it's 2004! my new year resolution is (and i think has been for the past few years but i think i never ever successfully realized it) to be less passive, less introverted and be more optimistic and confident and less affected by what ppl think of me.... =) wonder if i will finally succeed thsi year?
been goign out almost every single day and i am so so tired.... yet i still go out... been buying so much stuff too i think i wun be able to stuff everything into my luggage when i start to pack in like 1.5 weeks' time.... and cannot imagine myself and my mum having to lug like at least 3 pieces of luggage to our hotel from the train station?! really watn to blog more but it's really late and i jsut got back home not long ago and i guess i shoudl go and bathe....

finally watched turn left turn right on vcd today at home.... but i still very much prefer the book. i dun really like how they inject too much comedy into the whole plot... kinda changes the whole mood of jimmy's book... but i guess the movie is just an adaptation, and has to cater to the popular crowd and a more 'sullen'/ less dramatic plot would be less appealing for the general puclic... but what i really liked about the show was how the producers managed to make teh whole setting of the movie really similar to that in the book...down to the armchairs they sat in in the book haha.. well tehre were touching bits too i guess... but thought the end when there was an earthquake and it brought down the wall separating the two of them.... that was somewhat exaggerated and incredible...
doing a lil research for my japan trip... think it will be really ex... hope i can get to visit the studio ghibli, and get to see hayao miyazaki's characters in the museum! but u can't get tics that easily, so i might not be able to go if i can't get the tics beforehand...

made mashed potatoes for the lunch gathering at home yest.. but they were too salty and somehow the masehd potatoes weren't mashed but somewhat "liquidy"... but to my surprise it was almost finished at the end of lunch... strange how my failed potatoes didn't turn out to be that unpopular after all...
managed to borrow the tokyo lonely planet guide from pasir ris community library... and they recommended this cheap but pretty clean and comfy ryokan to stay in... really hope they are not fully booked!! cos it seems like a really good deal... shall call them tmr and hope they still hav places!! getting excited about my trip to tokyo..
and splurged on a coat at zara just now! aargh. am very very poor now... aggravated by the fact that we had lunch at lawry's today cos jeannice happened to have a lunch voucher, buy two set lunches get one free... and though it was somewhat paiseh 5 ppl sharing 3 set lunches... we nonetheless survived our lunch and the food was pretty good.. the worst thing was that we each paid 6 dollars plus for water!! bottled water... 5 bottles of water plus a little more can buy a set lunch....

my plans to lose weight back in sg have been foiled... my mum has been constantly stuffing me with all sorts of food, and it doesn't help that shopping centres are 'littered' with food stalls or eateries where we can buy finger food really easily. and slight jet lag has also made me too lazy to get up to exercise in the morning... and i am just horrified by the amount of fats i am accummulating each day. i had better stop this 'routine' else i will really regret it....
am very baffled why i manage to lose my temper once i come home.... liek i dun think i hav ever been really mad for the past year in berkeley and one small thing, the internet not working properly and sis hogging the comp just made me irritated.... sigh. and i can't use my laptop... =(
am feeling somewhat contradictory.... am supposed to go to aunt's place for dinner perhaps... it's my "dad's side" and i dunno them very well and i just dun feel like going.. yet it's very bad and kinda rude to be so AS... argh. one good thing about staying abroad is that u can avoid all this somewhat superficial socializing.... i mean i dun think all my relatives mean any harm but i think its just awkward....
watched LOTR 3 with Ting.... and it's nice to see her again!! dun think she has changed much though.... =) think most ppl havent... went to eat yong tau foo and tiramisu at shing's place and i think both shing huei and huining look pretty much the same... cept that huining dyed her hair... =)

first time ever blogging at home in sg!!! home feels so familiar, yet strangely distant in a way at the same time. my home seems to be filled with objects that i am unfamiliar with, didn't even know my dad got wireless internet, my bed actaully looks almost exactly the same as when i left it yet so strange when i slept in it... i forgot the color of my bathroom mirror rims and asked my mum, u changed the bathroom accessories ah? and when i landed and saw the familiar faces at the airport.... i was just so filled with joy! and my cousins and aunts came to the airport as well and upon seeing my parents i was just suddenly so overwhelmed, that i haven' t seen them for so long that a sudden surge of emotions make me suddenly break down... but they were happy tears though. and my dad got me a new nokia 6610 with nice polyphonic tunes... yay!! haha i feel really spoilt already.... hope i can make good use of my time here and have a really fulfilling and enjoyable stay at home... get recharged before i start my next sem...

HOME!!!

when ppl are nice and u can't do anything to reciprocate their kindness i feel awful...
when u know u hav a final tmr and yet u are panicking over not knowing how to do maximization problems i get desperate and freak out...
when u know there are lotsa nice ppl and things to do back home in just 3 days' time i get highly distracted
when u know ur econ prof suddenly tells u that there will be essays on ur exam just 2 days before the exam and u realise u hav absolutely no time to study for them i feel doomed
and when u know u hav two finals and u keep complaining and keep getting distracted and not get down to studying i ought to be smacked....

5 more days!!!! had two finals..... and feel really guilty, took a whole day off today and went to watch movies after my 8am finals today.... watched stuck on you and love actually; both were pretty decent.... and a nice distraction from studying..... hopefully not at the expense of my grades though next week. wed and thurs... then i will be done and i can fly home on fri!! never looked forward to going home so much..... ppl are starting to leave starting from tmr onwards. but it'll be my turn soon.... =)

days leading to finals has seen me cooking somewhat gross dinners.... ok not gross, but dinners that i think only i will eat (cos i cooked it so i have to eat it... ) eg. in an attempt to clear out my diff types of leftover portions of instnat noodles i mixed jap somen and instant noodles all together and boiled them and then mixed them with ketchup and chilli sauce... and added boiled vege and fish.... sounds really gross rite. but that is what happens when u have a weird selection of food left at home, no time, + too lazy to use the frying pan.
finals also saw me being almost totally isolated from ppl... and i've managed to be more disciplined and not remain perpetually online, and get distracted by the fact that i am online (it affects me though no one msgs me or anything)... and like though all i do is study all day (practically, most of the time...) i feel happy... like yest i went through many PEIS articles and learnt about the Asian Financial Crisis and somehow i just felt that i was acutally learning a lot.... though i mean i guess i was just reading about it and in actual fact do not have a very deep understanding of it.. but still... i felt good.... guess this should be the 'spirit' of studyign and learning.... to be motivated by what u can learn, and not perpetually worry about getting bad grades... like i keep telling myself to just do my best now, and even if i dun do as well as i want to, i hope i wun be too upset =)

just 3 min of blogging before i go offline to study..... took bus back just now as usual, but not as usual i was actually talking to someone and that someone voluntarily talked to me.... and after 5 seconds i realized my mistake cos she then plonked herself in the empty seat beside me and kept talking to me... till the bus reached san pablo.... i couldn't help but feel a little scared cos she seemed a little not-very-right in the mind, saying how bus drivers are crazy... how she hates the smell of meat loaves..... asked me what i was studying and upon discovering it to be economics praised the money making opportunities upon graduation, alongside business ad.... that i should work in SF instead of Oakalnd... and when she asked me who i lived with i said 'two housemates' and she heard 2 husbands and started laughing loudly and claiming that i was weird and practised bigamy?!! was totally embarrassed but i couldn't tell her to go away for fear of offending her and hurting her as well... so i just entertianed her for the rest of her bus trip..... what a bizarre incident....
was pretty productive and did a bit of studying today, but i still have so much so much to study.. esp when i have so many articles for PEIS to summarize... and only like summarized 4 articles amongst like at least 20?? ok shall get backto work.... =)

lessons are officially over... and two weeks to home! had my jap finals the past two days... and i guess i wun be touching my "tekisuto" for some time..... this last week of sch was actually pretty interesting, with the conclusion of every class, it leaves me to really think about what i have learnt for the past few months... and like what is the point...... is it just maximizing and solving problems on my problem set. drawing and shifting my graphs the correct direction.... and aiming for good grades.... or should i actually try to gain 'larger lessons' about life... about the world i live in.... how should i put all that i have learnt to use in my life....? oh well.
and something quite bizarre happened... turns out that my GSI was so blur that he gave me the wrong grade on my paper, resulting in me doubting my abilities and getting depressed over my dismal grades this semester.... my paper wasn't THAT bad after all.... yay. but still hav to work really hard for my finals if i want a good grade though. this week saw me going for a free film feature at the pacific film archive, an old film about how the efforts of this tokyo woman goes unappreciated when her brother commits suicide upon finding out that she works at a cabaret (though in order to earn enough income to support him through uni).... it saw me going out for the first time maybe for dinner with arthur and sumei at chevys.... and going to the dc for dinner just now thanks to yingxin.... and actually tried to fill ziyang's petrol tank (or what do u call it.... =P) but failing miserably, so blur as to not even knowing which way to turn the 'cap'... or how to insert the 'thing' into the tank... aargh what do u call it... haha nmind i shall not even try to name it... to think that i want to buy a car... dun even know how to pump petrol....
came across this article randomly..... even professors cannot escape the fate of bad looks?

got back my peis paper and i got such a lousy grade it made me upset again... sigh. but i am going to ask my gsi to look through it again to see what's wrong cos i dun feel justified with the grade he gave.... and i watched a documentary on aids in lieu with world aids day and the victims were so ke lian it made me cry.... and i'm sure there are loads of such ppl all around the world, living each day knowing that they will die soon.... yet trying to lead normal lives, to enjoy the company of their loved ones while they are still healthy and mobile.... feel esp sorry for innocent victims.... and my admiration for dedicatead aids volunteers/doctors/nurses and everyone else who actively does his/her part to combat the spread of this disease is beyond words..... self-interested me just gets upset over grades and fails to see the larger picture. that there are so many more problems present in the world...
had no jap lesson today! so stayed home all day... hav to go sch at 4pm for lecture later though. cooked chou mein.....
jap finals tomorrow.... hope i will be productive today and tmr nite!

was just reading through all my past entries just now and i have come to the conclusion that i am probably suffering from depression... and this feeling became much more acute esp after feeling so intensely that other ppl are capable of feeling so happy while i am not... shiyun raved about her skiing trip after she came back on saturday.... read faith's blog and i can't help but feel so happy for her as well as marvel at all the emotions and 'intricate' thoughts she pens down about all her experiences... while i feel that i am always plagued by feelings of self-doubt, inability to concentrate on studying and paranoid thoughts about my friends suddenly all ignoring me or disliking me etc. i'ts not that i really want to think about them, but somehow they just creep up... my resolution to be more positive has not 'failed' cos i am trying to combat these negative emotions, but i just wonder how long i can last and how long will i take to win this battle.... i am not even sure if i was alwasy like that, or have i jsut grown worse over the past few months. i feel like it really affects my relationships with people because my constant worrying about unecessary stuff prevents me from thinking about new stuff, absorbing new information, wanting to participate in activities.... etc etc. i really want to be happy.... but it always seems like an illusion
hope goign back to sg, goign to tokyo can alleviate my mood... but with finals just round the corner, i wonder how i will perform. i hope my grades wun be too adversely affected.... maybe i should really go see a doctor when i go home or something.... and my dad has promised to embark on a mission to make me exercise to rid of all the excess fats that i hav accumulated over the past few months..... =P but with so much cheap good food at home, i wonder how successful he would be?

two days of thanksgiving break over.... cooked four dishes...but they didn't turn out that good cos first time cooking... and the recipes weren't that great.. or mabye ccos i didn't capture the essence of them all.. haha. and my cream sauce went awry and fettucini ended up dry with no sauce.... =P but spent such a long time cooking so tiring i shall never cook 4 new things at one go again =P had a pretty nice thanksgiving dinner among our batch ppl plus jacqui's fren and ziyang's sis but there was so much food i guess everyone ended up really really bloated....
then had cheesecakes at cheesecake factory in SF yest night and i think i am really overeating this holiday... and we might go down to raffles cafe this evening, so it might be MORE eating..... really hav to exercise wehn i go back to sg.. else i wun fit into anything anymore.. and cannot buy new clothes... i think i am still a little stingy, cos i feel that ultimately things here are still too expensive. and i know like if i buy something more than say maybe 40 bucks i will feel really really guilty and i will be reminded of what my parents used to say; that i am much more generous with my money even though i dun earn money.... really can't wait for finals to be over... i want to go home. 3 more weeks.

i'ts thanksgiving weekend.... and i am bumming in berkeley for the first time. feels good, that for once i am not rushing to pack all my stuff like 2 hours before leaving for some trip, with worries about not finishing my homework and stuff when i get back from the trip.... haah not that i will do a lot of work while i am here though. i really doubt it. i think i will prob be so lazy and wake up late everyday.... found this great recipe for twice baked potatoes... so prob will try that for our thanksgiving dinner on thursday...!
monday saw a really really terrible incident happen that i will remb always.... and having recovered from the initial shock and trauma i now see it as a good learning experience, though at a very very painful cost... plus harm inflicted on nice and innocent individuals.... but i guess i cannot keep brooding about it now, except to think of the best solution and be mature and rational and not sink into interminable? depression or anything.... guilt is one terrible emotion that really prevents u from concentrating on doing ur normal stuff....... but i guess i hav to accept that i'm not perfect and bound to make mistakes and as long as i learn from them and reflect upon my mistakes i should be on my path to being a better person....?

had a somewhat unusual weekend.... yest saw me going to ranch with jacqui and i actually bought something from the gift shop at ranch... haha. i think they actually sell a lot of cute stuff there, just that i never ever really look at them.... i dunno why too. it reminds me a bit of giftland in sg... just like more expensive of course.... but i saw this really lcute snoopy post it notes that i decided to get for my sis... =) and for first time bought chicken from the 'rice stall' at ranch for dinner... cos can't be bothered to cook any ''meat dish'' and the chicken looked pretty good..... and turns out that when i got home and decided to go take a nap before i cook i got a call from my housemate asking me if i could go usher for him cos he was stuck in traffic jam.. haha. and so i did.... and in the end ended up watching a play too that night.... the play was pretty good though. =) and then went for dinner at old's spaghetti factory just now with shiying and melvin and sumei and some seniors.... though the food wasn't like fabulous i hav to admit, it was really nice of them to ask me.... and i got to try this interesting ice cream flavor... spumoni or something, choc with strawberry and pistachio... then came back home and was so lazy i went to sleep..... and just woke up... so here i am.. havn'et done any work... better go and bathe and start on work soon... =P
aargh and my driving licence application actually expired!!! hav to go down to el cerrito dmv tmr to renew it, else they wun look at my driving licence application and i prob wun get my licence for a long time to come!

talked for quite a while with my sis! haven't talked to her for so long..... =) and for such a long duration of time.... =) i am really ultra 'swaku' i only recently realized that the singtel page allows u to send internet smses and as such i recently started sending random smses to my sis.. haha. or like to ask her to tell my mum to call me if my mum happens to call me and i happen to be away and dind't pick up her call.... =P have procrastinated and havne't gotten a new calling card since my calling card and singtel worldcards expired....
still sick... =( but gradually getting better though.... just hav an irritating cough.. mainly. i had better try my best to recover! finals in like 2 weeks' time and it would be terribly miserable if i were to be sick during that period! =) and less than a month to home!!! yay. would hav been away for like 11 months by dec 19....

time for a change?

perhaps its really time to make a concerted effort to shed off all my unfounded pessimism and negative thinking that has been impeding me from doing things properly... i sometimes try but usually i lapse back into my old self and self-depracating thoughts get the better of me somehow. i know i might not succeed even if i try hard..... but i shall try to continue and persevere and perhaps after some time i wil see some results... and perhaps then ppl will see a happier and more confident me on my blog.... perhaps faced with the same setbacks but seeing them in a different light... why do i keep thinking that i am inferior to others? or perhaps i need a psychologist... =P

been sleeping so much this week yet as tired as ever... can't rid of my irritating sore throat..... aargh. watched fear factor last night and there was this section whereby participants had to plunge their heads into huge 'plates' of gross stuff such as rotting fish guts and mealworms, then use their head to brush all these thigns away to uncover the numbers at the bottom.... it was really revolting. but it's amazing what money can entice ppl to do. and to trick other participants, these ppl also blatantly lied to each other... to put one another off guard.. sigh.... wonder to what extent will we betray our own integrity for the sake of money....
two more weeks of sch left.... i'ts really really fast. one more month before i'll be on a plane home!!! but i dun want to hav finals.. i really feel that i wun do well this semester. but it's not that i am not trying... i mean maybe i dun try hard enough? cos i usually get distracted from studying easily... worry about not-impt or frivolous things... glad there's thanksgiving holiday next weekend.... and glad that i didn't try to go LA or anywhere else now, cos i dunno i am in a very weird mood on the whole... very not on about doing anything exciting at all...

watched a movie on my laptop yesterday.... one of the things i havne't done for so long. and i surprised myself by crying so much throughout the movie that i think all the phlegm made me get a sore throat today!! haha or maybe it's also cos i was going to fall sick anyway..... anyway, this movie is titled 'the way home'. in a nutshell, it's about how this city kid goes to stay with his deaf and mute grandmother in the country... initially he despises her and calls her all sorts of awful names... but i think the love of his grandmother eventually touched him and made him guilty for being kinda mean to her.... such that eventually he reciprocated and it's just so sweet..... in the end, cos his grandma could neither talk nor write (though he innocently tried teaching her!) he drew many postcards, addressed to himself, with captions and pictures saying "i miss you" and "i am sick".... and i just felt so so touched..... guess this storyline isn't exactly very very original, and some ppl might find the pace of the movie somewhat slow... but i somehow have this soft spot for "non-mainstream" movies like these that try to bring out delicate human emotions.... i think i cried mainly because of the unconditional love that the grandma showed for his grandson, through all her little gestures.. and sometimes at how badly her grandson treated her... i felt so sorry for her..... and it threw me into a fantasy world.. how i wish i can experience something like that too..... get thrown into some rural place and interact with the rural and simple and kind-hearted, non-scheming folks, to get a taste of another 'facet' of life.... but having said this i think my initial reaction woudl be like the grandson as well, cos i dun think i can stand not having electricity nor clean water readily available..... things that i hav taken for granted.... anyway, ppl here interested in watching this awesome movie can borrow the vcd from me! also, check out the website...
my dad got his photocake and he said it was not bad..... haha. yay! =) but on the other hand, sometiems i still can't get rid of my sense of loneliness. no matter how i try; and it doesn't help that sometimes, you just dun feel like doing any homework.