of lovebites, earrings, sodium-loaded instant dinners, personalized mailing labels and unexpected voices

am upset about one thing but shall choose to blog on the little things that made me pleasantly surprised... got a few 'lovebites' this evening... according to another volunteer.. well of course from non-humans... such as black cats.. haha. i finally got one on my lap today.. and attempted to carry another really nice furry one but that prompty leapt back into his cage.. haha. some of these cats have such nice smooth fur and sweet personalities it pains me to think that their status quo is 'unwanted'... i love it when the cat leans its face on my hand and rubs against it.. it's such a tingly feeling sometimes.. then came home and watched the presidential debate while eating an extremely salty instant dinner... am getting a little annoyed with organizations that send me personalized mailing labels... i donated once to UNICEF and now all of them are asking me to donate... sigh. i mean i would like to help but i really can't spare that much money. then gimme goodies make me feel guilty. =( got earrings from my sis in the mail today! in exchange for the wallet and t-shirt i sent her.. yay. nice to get surprises in the mail. =) makes your day when u are feeling upset..... and just now i spoke for a few min to xiaotian's fren who happened to call xiaotian and happened to ask about the 'cavewoman' in the house.... though i dun know him veyr well, it was really a pleasant surprise... to hear from someone nice "out of the blue"... ok shall stop doodling around and get my work done for tmr... readings readings and more readings. 2 hws due. but i'm suddenly very into blogging these few days..

earrings from sis! 

yesterday i was reminded that i am actually pretty anti-social.. and 'off'.... I sometimes ask myself why ppl dun really want to talk to me, or find it difficult to... but i think the reason is i am really not that easy to talk to! =P actually i also wonder why i dun seem to have much to say. why am i so much less opinionated than most ppl... i think i am not very good company at all... but i am so thankful to know that i still have people who are willing to be my friends despite me erm being kinda silent 1/2 the time... haha perhaps i can console myself that i am a really rare 'breed'?

can't believe that i stayed up till 245 am just to do my simple assignment for econ h195a which i am thinking of dropping... sigh. so unproductive the whole night... watched miss congeniality just now when i was supposed to do work but then i really enjoyed the show haha. trying to think of a regression equation to pen down, which isnt' even feasible but i had to turn something in by tomorrow... so... sigh. and 45 min ago my dear housemate just called me cos he was too lazy to walk to my room. surprises surprises.
am beginning to start eating a lot of junk. devoured half the packet of peanuts jacqui's mum gave us. almost half of my 1.75 quart dreyers ice cream disappeared gradually over the past week. i finished one whole packet of chips on friday evening while waiting for my housemate to go home... had better stop soon else wu yao ke jiu already.
on a brighter note, i think i am beginning to think that i can get over something that has been bugging me for very long...

me again with part of my wall.... =P 

trying to be naughty... 

instead of doing work i am doing frivolous stuff.... such as taking pictures of myself with my new DIY haircut! haha.... and since i am still not tired of my hello program i shall post them on my blog... i have so much work to do!! astro 10 midterm on monday but i know like nothing.. then homeworks to do and hav to try to find a thesis topic.. so hav to read some books such taht i can come up with something decent such that i can drop my thesis class... but i doubt that will happen. oh well...
i almost laughed my head off when chester and sumei tried to correct jacqui's way of pronouncing jap.... it was so hilarious. and am once again reminded of the joys of good company... =) actually i think ppl around me are very nice to me... but perhaps i dun show enough appreciation... was talking online some time ago when i realized why many ppl often have issues.... relationships with ppl are often so asymmetric..... how problematic that sometimes people you yearn to be close to arent keen to reciprocate... and sometimes ppl you dun really want to know better seem a lil too enthusiastic... of course i am not saying that there are undesirable ppl around me, but i'm just saying such situations lead to problems...

yay. am really excited.. cos i discovered this program which allows me to upload pictures onto my blog easily. perfect for computer/html idiots like me! =) have been wanting to post pictures for so long but i never ever succeeded.... this program "Hello" is also really cool cos it's basically like a messenger program, just that it allows ppl to share pictures almost instantly... i haven't tried to sharing with pics with frens option... but it sounds really cool... shiying, u can send pictures to mm!!
hmmm so decided to post two random pictures... one taken when i visited cambridge and one when shiying's fren came over to visit. =)
i am suddenly very inspired to revamp my blog.. but really no time lah. i dream of self-designed icons but i know that is never possible cos i really dunno all this cheem stuff. haha. but the journalism class i am taking right now, which involves blogging too (but academic blogging though) also reminds me how cool online publishing is...
there simply is no time to do all the stuff i want to do... even when i do work i can never finish my work and there never is enough time to do frivolous stuff like this... how i wish i were 100 times smarter then i wun need to study as much and yet do fine.. well not that i pia like mad now.. hmm which prob also explains why my grades aren't that great huh.... ok till next time.

at golden gate park.. 

shu cat ting and me at cambridge.... 

i got free hello panda yesterday, but cos it was "on offer".... haha. but still a nice gesture.
tried very hard to do get some work done yesterday... so went to the lib to study. well... managed to read one poli sci article and watch 3/4 of my astro lecture... the last 1/4 was spent between dozing off and waking up to jacqui's kicks to wake me up ha. that was near 1am.. so... it was quite funny that FSM had wireless and like 20 metres away there was no wireless... so for a while i sat near the tables at moffitt entrace feeling deprived.... then somehow after half an hour my laptop detected airbears and yay i had internet... didn't do anything much else lah. some admin stuff emailing ppl etc. oh well. better than if i had stayed at home i suppose.
want to drop my thesis class but cannot find a thesis adviser. bored listening to ppl talking about their finance-related thesis topics.. and craine isnt' really veyr helpful. =( and gives finance projects which i totally dun want to do... haha. like i am going to drop the class cos i dun want to do the hw. but seriously it is not helping me much at this moment.

sometimes things go fine under stress.... but sometimes they dun. good that i managed to cook 3 dishes within two hours yest, with the help of my brocolli-cutting, carrot-slicing, lemon grass-tearing, rice-cooking "yeye" (grandpa). it's really a pleasure to hang around with ppl u are comfortable with. just that u're sometimes afraid that ppl get sick of you. i am somewhat schizo these days... much as i want to hang out with ppl sometimes i also feel like being alone all day.
i think that i also think too much about what other ppl are doing. just random things that happen in ppl's lives. and then compare what is it that people have that i dun. perhaps i should think more what is it that i have that people dun and really start really treasuring them instead of being so silly.

i suddenly am feeling upset. and i dun want to do my astro 10 hw and i haven gone to lecture the whole week and didn't watch lecture so i dunno how to do also. and am not even trying. sigh. nmind shall wallow in self pity for a night. shall be good and try to go for lecture tmr.
my housemate just bought supper for us. feel so wen xin. but cannot really undo my 'upsetness'...

slept at nearly 3am yest and as a result i overslept and almost missed my class.. =) (that's when you are really thankful you dun hav to run all the way to UC village and wait for ur bus....) good thing i didnt, cos i had such a great lecture this morning!! =) think sadoulet is so good at explaining econometrics.... ok perhaps it's cos i ahve taken it before, such that whatever she said more sense to me than if i were totally new in the class... but still... i really appreciate how she really tries to get at the underlying intuition.. instead of throwing some jargon and expecting us to learn them... i have so so much work to complete this week though.. sigh. but hopefully good lectures can inspire me enough and allow me to pull through the week. i hope i can get a good night's sleep on friday..... =)

yesterday my housemate 'complimented' that i am perhaps as mature as he is. should i feel honored? haha. but somehow i do feel that i did change in a way... in that i think i am still bothered by all my insecurities and stuff... but I am somehow a little better at dealing with them now... i still get upset by stuff, but I think I am a little more rational than before... and i think it's a positive sign... since I dun get overly upset about things that i really hav no power to change. and for eg. that day i heard about someone commenting on my bad driving.. haha well i think if i were the shimin last sem or last year i would hav gotten pretty upset... but now i think i'm just like u want to think what u want to think then so be it.... haha well.... but i mean i do agree that my driving isn't that great haha. given complaints by my fellow carmate that i sometimes attempt to murder him... =) i discovered more music on rhapsody.. including instrumental pieces from the phantom of the opera... and like canon in d... it's so soothing and relaxing to just play piano pieces on ur laptop when doing stuff that doens't require 100% concentration...
cannot really believe that i lazed on sofa in shiying's house for like at least 6 hours.. after the special lunch prepared for us by ziyang....watching two brainless shows and the matrix all at one shot... complete wtih an unhealthy but yummy KFC dinner at 10pm... talk about being a couch potato =P

i just discovered this brilliant site... http://rts.berkeley.edu/rhapsody/ and i signed up since there is a free introductory offer now till Oct 31... and i have been browsing through the huge collection it has!! it's so cool... i found songs that i used to listen to.. songs that i want to listen to now... even found stuff like the sound of music sountrack. whole albums.... i can 'download' as many as i want to my 'online station' then if i want to burn a song i'll hav to pay $0.79 per song.... really quite cool. have spent the past few hours listening to the most random things too... haha ti's like 2.41 am now i had better get some sleep soon actually...
dunno why but i have been very on about music all of a sudden in the past few days... maybe to keep myself occupied whenever my mind starts to wander.... =)

all gadgets are failing me! my good old fluorescent light bulb fused two nights ago, and when i was trying to not procrastinate and fill up my whole Washington DC application this morning and the internet suddenly dc... and i realized that there was an power outage... sigh. feel slightly irritated... now i hav to type everything over again.... =(
i have many things to do, but i'm not exactly doing them... astro 10 hw, jap word quiz and honors thesis project are on my list for tomorrow.... aaargh. i could hav run some regressions on my own at home... but i chose to just like dunno do what and slack... and as a result i foresee a long long session just running various regressions in the library tmr.... =( and i decided to perhaps go see Craine and ask about my thesis topics... but then perhaps i coudn't really explain myself very well, he seemed pretty muddled about what i wanted to do as well and just said some general things... and i dunno i just felt so eeky.... should hav thought things out more properly before going for office hours.
there is this elections 2004 class that seems really really interesting! but it's a grad journalism class... wonder if i shoudl take it for fun....
sigh. ok i am due for 1.5 hrs of lecture. and another 1.5 hrs of intellectual discussion on state making.... and then perhaps will go for jap office hours or attempt to do a bit of my astro hw such that i dun die tmr...

last night i was on the verge on getting emotional and depressed all over again but then it was good that there were nice distractions.. =) got an email from a 'guo ke' and was really pleasantly surprised! then this morning i checked my long-abandoned hotmail account and found an email from a p sch teacher sitting in my inbox.... albeit with only two sentences of like how are you doing? hope you are doing fine... i felt really warm inside. =) so.... this morning i xin xue lai chao and decided to send a mass email to a few of my good frens back in sg, US and UK... i had better keep this up and pull myself out whenever i lapse into a hmm ok i am going to brood kinda mood... =)
it's getting rather cold now, too cold for comfort. and it acutally rained early this morning... and haha believe it or not, the first thing that came to mind when i was half asleep was... aargh!!! i just washed my car yesterday!! =( but then i fell asleep seconds after..
had a mini mooncake festival celebration at shiying's place yest... and to our amusement discovered that the real thing is actually next week. which explains why there was no full moon... well, according to jacqui or jacqui's mum, it was the Chilean national day... haha. most of day wasted yesterday... (but for (a) good cause(s)) better work hard today!

my efforts to gai guo zi xin have been heartening so far, but can be better.... 1) still in a pretty healthy state of mind, not getting upset over wu liao things... 2) still haven really lagged in my readings... well i almost did today actually... but woke up early to finish my 30/90 pages of Samuel Huntington... though somewhat superficially. i realized that if i were to religiously do all my assignments and hw I would really be much better off and knowledgeable. regretfully i haven't reached that jing4 jie4.
i really enjoyed jap today; we were taught the informal jap conversation... and though it's tough! like so many forms to remember, it was quite fun... like to speak with all these contractions etc. then during poli sci section today, i managed to squeeze in like one sentence of my thoughts.... what with like 20 ppl rattling off about how samuel huntington emphasizes the importance of institutions etc.... but actually it's still rather stressful... everyone in my section is like super vocal and eloquent... and i mean like even though i did my reading, i didn't hav like half as many things to say... goodness knows how lost i would be had i been lazy..
also discovered a possible way of destressing yesterday when i went down to the Berkeley Animal Shelter at 2nd street...volunteering by playing with cats or walking dogs.. i'll just need to do a min. of one hour per week... and on top of that, I can go at any time that fits into my schedule. this weekend they will hold cat handling and dog walking classes and i think i'll go for them =) if i dun grow xian and lazy that is. the shelter has many many pit bulls though that look rather unfriendly and fierce, but I think some of them do hav really loveable personalities and I hope that perhaps one day if i get to deal with dogs well enough, i can like 'transcend' this psychological barrier (that they look fierce or ugly and therefore they are not nice) and try to get to know them better!! haha but that seems really far-fetched and idealisitic at this moment cos i get a little intimidated just by standing close to some large barking dogs... hmm i was just telling jacqui how cats and dogs are like humans too... like cats are like the loner types.. then dogs need more attention and love... and perhaps pit bulls are like uglier ppl... then like cute kittens are like the really popular and chio ppl... even in the animal world life is unfair huh. but i am comforted by how there are many ppl who love all of them regardless of appearances..

finally wrote my statement of purpose for UCDC this morning. one more EAP one to go... sigh. why do we hav to always write statements of purpose?? and explain every single reason why i want to go for EAP... sometimes u just feel like doing something.. =( now i actually feel that I am more keen to do UCDC cos I was browsing through the courses available at Meiji Gakuin and the variety is actually somewhat limited. but i guess EAP would be more of a fun thing, a cultural exchange.... rather than something really academic?
i really feel more at ease with myself recently. like I have grown to accept myself for who i am. instead of getting upset over my faults... i still do, but noticeably less so. i wonder why...
though sch has just started... I have 80 pages of Samuel Huntington to plough through for my poli sci class next week... new IAS hw due on thursday... the usual Jap hw.... Astro HW on friday... but still manageable. and i'm pretty excited about my first yoga PE class tmr =) let's hope i dun sprain my waist or ankle..

the sad tale of my dou sha baos

failed miserably while trying to microwave a dou sha bao for breakfast in midst of studying for my jap quiz... being too lazy to steam my red bean buns (which i used to, last sem..) i decided to follow the instructions at the back of the package which merely said put the bun into the microwave for 2 min... and so i did.... but to my horror after 5 min when i re-entered the kitchen i was greeted by this burning smell and a light brown red bean bun in the microwave oven... ok. so had to throw away the poor thing. 2nd attempt. this time i re-read the instructions... then realized hmm ok must put in microwavable container.. then i rembed my mum always puts a cup of water when she tries to microwave buns.. and so i did. sadly this time round even though the bun didn't turn brown... it was rock hard and upon breaking it open instead of the nice steaming dou sha that i usually get i got some funny powdery looking red bean 'paste'.. hmm oh well. so then decided to give up. no dou sha baos for me =(

anyway i'm somewhat happy today! things that have been bothering me for the past few weeks or so seemed to have worked out fine... and i think if i keep such an optimistic outlook i should be fine... no more depression like last sem! =) my procrastinating and chatting online still hasn't changed though. but not that that's harmful to me haha... just perhaps detrimental to my grades... which... i am still not that worried about at this moment since it's only the 2nd week of sch ;) but it's irritating i still hav my registration block... that i hav to write all my statements of purpose and get recommendation letters for my applications in the next few weeks.....

am somewhat amused that one housemate is trying to get the other to pronounce 'shrimp'... ever since dinner. i am gettin a sore throat... i think i ate too much ice cream. finished half of the 1.34 quart dreyers french silk ice cream already... it's bad when u just go eating ice cream directly from the tub...
went for the comp lab today to learn SHAZAM and was somewhat intimidated to find at least 3 grad students in my IAS 118 class... it seems cool if i were to really become comfortable with SHAZAM but right now i am still really blur.. sore throat.. sore throat =(
i haven't been driving for a week and it feels so good somehow to be sitting in my own car once again... driving to wherever i want... at anytime i like.... not that i am unhappy car pooling or anything, it's just that it's nice to hav such freedom. =)

feel an urge to complain! am currently trying to piece together my applications for UCDC program and EAP respectively but the admin is daunting and irritating! for each application i have to write a statement of purpose... get recommendation letters... for DC hav to write resume for UC and individual ones for each organization that i want to intern for... for EAP hav to settle stuff like passport, visa requirements, take passport photos that are a weird 2*2 size.... and there are 17 application steps and tons of forms to print out and send out...!! feel like not applying for anything... sigh. but obviously if i dun even hav the determination to get all these things sorted out, then i suppose I will end up doing nothing and just hang around and slack here... oh well. shall try my best to put everything together over the next month or so.... but so xian =(
thinking of volunteering at the berkeley animal shelter; u can be dog walkers or play with cats or help with admin stuff in the office. i'm thinking of playing with the animals cos i really dun hav much experience with them even though i have always wanted to have pets.... but i guess i'll see how first. wondering if i will overload myself with too much stuff? but i think as long as i dun whole day hu si luan xiang and get upset for no reason over trivial things, be less sensitive and petty, dun get glued to my computer screen and icq all night i should be fine. but it sounds easier said than done.. as always.
had a day out yesterday in SF with 2 good friends and a visiting singaporean... lots of funny moments... which guy on earth poses in front of the fence in front of the lake at the palace of fine arts and asks ppl to take his bei4 ying3? which guy is sporty enough to plant a stalk of white flower behind his ear, then consents to taking a picture among a tiny bed of flowers? or tries to 'push' the golden gate bridge with an extreme look of exertion on his face... in front of so many onlookers..

i suddenly feel a little spoilt in my new house... like i suddenly hav like my daddy with me kinda thing haha. i wonder if it will eventually evolve into a veyr 'family' kinda feel... =) haoren cooked dinner for us yesterday and it was surprisingly sumptuous, complete with salmon teriyaki, fried snow peas with carrots and vegetarian abalone and stir fried beef with ginger.... then xiaotian happened to be in sch when i ended my washington dc info session and asked if i wanted a lift home... then i just hopped off 52L and took his car instead... i dunno. i am really not used to my house being so warm and like 'lively'... well i mean of course this is a good thing, but i feel strange.. like things are so so different! for one, i would never have expected a hot dinner waiting for me at home, not since my mum came over the start of this year and prepared dinner almost every other day.... and one amusing thing was that everyone was watching tennis on tv.. then suddenly they xin xue lai chao and like ok let's go play tennis now (when we finished dinner just 5 min ago)... and then in like 20 min or whole house trooped off to get tennis balls and a racquet... but sadly even after 2 hours of circling the neighborhood and sch we failed to find an empty court... but i dunno. i just felt like things bothering me just went to the back of my mind for that evening... i wonder what i should do actually... sometiems i really feel that i hold on too tightly to certain things that i ought to let go of... but i choose to not let go... and make myself really miserable...dunno. perhaps sometimes when u let go, things naturally come back to u or resume its normal course without u even getting depressed over it constantly.. perhaps i should really make an effort to get to know my housemates better, cos they are really quite a nice bunch of ppl.. but dunno.... confused.

i think i am never really good at dealing with awkward situations... when someone close to u becomes even more distant than people u have just met, it just feels wrong. but i guess some things will improve with time? sigh i really dunno...=(
bought a little table from ikea today. wanted a swiveling chair but then sadly they were out of stock... now my room is actually quite qi2 quan2 but actually on the verge of getting too cluttered... i actually feel like i am starting to overdo things. like walls are covered with too many pictures... adding too many things to my room.... dunno perhaps it subconsciously reflects my hope/desire to really belong to this room... and hopefully to this house. hopefully today, with 3 diff ppl cooped up in their own rooms almost all day, with nearly zero interaction, won't be characteristic of what is to come this sem...

yay nice guy at honda helped me remove a scratch from my side door... though it's still slightly visible, most of it is gone! shopping around for 60000 mile servicing but havn'et settled for any. today was spring cleaning day for our house. actually pretty heartened by my housemates' cooperativeness haha in cleaning. so our house at least looks decent now... kitchen is organized, living room is not in the mess it was in when i first came back... fridge and oven both cleaner too =) haha and actually cooked my first meal with my housemates... xiaotian didn'dt cook cos he had to help his buddy. haoren cooked xian yu chao dou ya. weixiang fried fish and a whole dish of vege (broccoli and cauliflower and carrot and mushrooms) and actually i was secretly amazed cos many guys i know aren't so vege-loving haha. i made my old walnut prawns and tried out this bah kut teh mix which according to them is too 'potent' and may lead to nose bleed. i guess it was just too concentrated... somehow time flies even though i havne exactly been bumming around. like today. it just flew past. before i knew it it was dinner. haha perhaps cos i have gotten into the habit of waking up at like 1130 am everyday... better start sleeping earlier soon else i'll miss all my classes next week..

had an interesting evening + night hanging out with my housemates and some other ppl....somehow i feel like i should be more open.... cos they are actually rather nice ppl. i think previously i somehow just told myself hmm ok... i am going to feel like quite weird cos i dun really know them... but i guess sometimes u need to make the first step to try to get to know them. or just make the effort to step out of my comfort zone and stop being too AS and hang out with them to see what they actually do.. haha. they are just really different from my batch guys i suppose. spent half the night watching them and other ppl in their batch playing streetfighter or dunno what tv game.... then i actually learned intermediate skills in mahjong... wah nobody ever taught me how to calculate how many tai2s i make with my tiles till tonight. haha i am pretty amused. but of course i still didn't give in to the occasional egging me on to drink a little... on the way home in xiaotian's car the four guys were joking how he should pull the brakes and attempt to turn the car?! hmm wonder if that is what many guys do... dare their fellow pals to perform dangerous tasks?! anyway am quite amused... though in a way i was out of place, i dildn't feel as out of place as i expected myself to be... =) ha, wonder what awaits me this semester.

baked egg tarts yest! cos i wanted to eat. now hav leftover cream cheese, so was trying to search for jap cheese cake recipes... and why do they lead me to porn sites?! gross. drove to emeryville today and got hangers from ikea... then watched I, Robot with Jacqui... then came back to further unpack my luggage.. i am doing it so slowly that even after 3 days here i havn'et fuly unpacked haha... still get jitters driving, but am glad that it didn't deteriorate too badly... i haven't thrown away all my skills overnight! yay. but still get paranoid sometimes. like i was at ranch, parked... then suddenly felt the car kept going forward!! to my horror. then realized the car adjacent to me was reversing out at the same time.... scary...!

finally up to something after an 11-hour recovery sleep! i meant i slept from early last night till this morning.... cos didn't really catcch any sleep on plane, nor the day before. but despite feeling really tired i had to wash my toilet yesterday cos got gross things like on toilet bowl and like dirt... still pretty unpacked and all... too many things in my room i realize. and it done'st help that i brought back near 64 kg of luggage this time round... this is random, but grad student staying living room is suddenly shouting at tv. think cos watching olympics. i am slacking in my room listening to matchbox twenty. haha ok. my room feels nice and cool. decorations still unchanged... will do it some other day; pictures half falling off haha. made failed broccoli and cheese tortilla just now haha. washed car with jacqui today. washed gross oily sink.... attempted to clean stove but became too lazy and backachy and stopped halfway haha.. feels good to have a slacky life here, feels good to drive myself around again..... =) bought a child's bike lock at target today but then was sorely disappointed just now when informed by mark that i cna't cycle on sidewalks and i would need a helmet to bike on the roads.... oh well.

this is really amusing. 3 days of trying to access blogger from home have been futile and here i am at changi airport terminal one, trying out their free internet service 15 min before i board my plane.... and blogger actually works...
been wanting to say that my stay in singapore has been really enjoyable. getting the chance to be a spoilt kid all over again, meeting up with almost every single person i wanted to see... eating all yummy food here (though at the expense of a tummy..) making new friends at work...being happy somewhat for my whole time here...
now it's back to sch... back to my independent life... back to new housemates... to dealing with everything by myself. i return with a positive mindset.... and i hope this semester will be fulfilling and extra- fun for me... =)

am getting hopelessly fat!!! cos for the past few days i have just been eating and eating... meeting ppl for the sole purpose of eating ha. and have been ingesting a lot of unhealthy food. like bowl of huge mango ice kachang thing in one afternoon after a whole seafood platter at fish and co like 3 hrs before, then dinner plus dessert at crystal jade...
sigh so much stuff to pack... so many things to settle... and no time cos i keep going out... feel terribly disorganized but not really motivated to do all the things i hav to do...

one week left in sg; depressing thoughts of leaving and not coming back for a long time are starting to set in.... it's not that i dun look forward to starting sch again in berkeley; but have grown a little accustomed to my relatively stress-free and cheap-food-available-everywhere type of 'lifestyle' here.... plus have been a spoilt child for the past two months, with mum doing laundry and religiously and voluntarily preparing breakfast for me every morning... now it wil be back to days of getting troubled over what to cook for dinner everyday; resorting to cereal meals when i am lazy, having to fend for myself and taking care of every aspect of my life again.. haha not that it's that undesirable lah. just a lil tiring at times. but good for me in general. who will fend for me next time if i myself dun? =)
spent 3 hours carving a tiny linoleum block on sat evening after discovering that i had supplies of lino blocks and block paint hidden in my cupboard and that half of them have spoilt or expired after two years of lying in the cupboard... and yest morning created 10 prints of the same thing and felt immensely accomplished.....ha! sigh. sometimes i think that i dun like art that much anymore, but when i do it again i feel that my love for it never really did diminish. but the prob with me i guess is that i like art but i am not like super good at it. like i always dream of all these things i want to draw.... but i can never draw them as well and as realistically as all those artists out there and therein lies my dilemma... and it will take a long long time for me to come up with something good then sometiems halfway through i get a bit put off cos it really takes up so so much time!! and then when i am schooling i can never hav the luxury of hours and hours just working on a small piece of linoleum block and coming up wiht a decent design.... haha so i guess it will for the moment still remain as a retirement leisure activity... =P

end of my two day SIF symposium at Raffles City Convention centre.... today's session was surprisingly not bad, perhaps due to the speakers they invited...took away some lessons from Ho Kwon Ping's talk about challenges facing youths.... in particular something that struck me as very true was that many of us are still somewhat 'parochial'; even ppl like us studying overseas.... we may think that having travelled to many major cities in US and Europe, we have seen a lot of the world, when in actual fact we might just have merely come into contact witih some of the many diverse cultures in the Western world... and many of us dun really look to the less developed world at all... many issues ppl face in the developing world, i believe i am unable to imagine or really emphatise with... hmm actually even after having gone to Europe, i think all i have done is more like i hav stayed at those places, been to major attractions.... the amount of knowledge of each place i took back with me was like really minimal...
haha and of course at the symposium we managed to find some traces of not-too-subtle messages to the young ones that singapore is facing a declining population and it is our responsibility to do something to alleviate this problem...

today i suddenly became aware that I am actually quite privileged to be given the chance to study at Berkeley. was with two HDB scholars, one overseas one local and was talking to the overseas one about soem travelling experiences and the local scholar expressed some mild form of envy that we get to do so much travelling.... then bumped into one of those Prudential agents lurking at MRT stations trying to get passers-by to fill up their survey forms and upon hearing that i was studying at Berkeley, he just blurted out, "Wah, so zai!"... and dunno felt kinda embarrassed cos it really isn't that zai... but dunno... i guess from my point of view it isn't, cos at Berkeley and more prestigious unis there are a lot of really really zai ppl... and i am just nothing.. but i guess as compared to many ppl studying locally or who dun even get the chance to go to uni, it really is some remarkable academic achievement... sigh so dun really know what to think. but what i do know at this point in time is that i really want to go back to Berkeley and really make good use of my remaining 2 years there....=)

been spending so much money the past few days but it isnt exactly my fault... haha ok shifting blame to other ppl. the gift section in taka is simply irresistable... well stocked with all sorts of cute stuff and paraphernalia (hmm did i spell it correctly).... saw this cute jap wind chime but it's ten bucks for a tiny wind chime...but still went home with some buys and gifts for ppl! =)
house of flying daggers is actually surprisingly hilarious. with flying daggers that can aim so accurately at their targets even when these ppl aren't rooted to the ground.... ppl jumping from bamboos too bamboos and using bamboos as weapons... and bamboos so nicely lodged into the ground in such a perfect formation that allows the two protagonists to be 'caged in' nicely together without any injury...but still i enjoyed the scenery and the cinematography... i liked how when the characters are in action, the background just fades into a blurry image...
had the most zuobo day of my attachment today! spent the morning wrapping sweets and chocs for my colleagues... then in the afternoon i spent half the time at HDB book sale fishing for cheap good titles... i was really happy when i found the lovely bones for 5 bucks! =) randomly bought samuel huntington's clash of civilizations cos it was going for only 6 dollars... haha but wonder if it will just end up as a cheem title on my bookshelf.... last day of work tomorrow.... time really really flies.

haha my mum and sis commented that i look like 'bu liang shao nu'.... while i think that i look like i am trying to be 'pai' but not really succeeding.... oh well in any case i had fun and i guess it's worth looking a bit different, regardless of whether i really screwed up and look really strange haha. at least i can look back and say at least at some point in time i tried it.. =P
went back to hwa chong yesterday for the carnival and i feel really sad that hwa chong junior college is going to disappear altogether... i will feel really strange telling someone erm i studied at this junior college... but it merged with chinese high and became something else instead... sigh. think the education system here is getting a little too messy for me.. and seriously if someone asks me what the high sch system in sg is like i dun think i can give a very accurate answer...
taking leave tmr =) kinda finished my project, wrote a final draft for my paper, emailed it to my supervisor who would be back tmr but i foresee her catching up with 2 weeks' worth of work so i will prob be catching flies if i go to work tmr.... just hope that she would hav read my draft by tues.... have to go down to twinhead tmr (hopefully) to repair my problematic laptop, maybe will catch a movie or something.... getting a tummy from eating so much food here in sg.. and sitting all day at my cubicle and being too weak-willed and lazy to exercise regularly...

nearing end of attachment and i have no results!! aargh. feeling doomed. at the same time feel pretty sick of my whole project. and isolated. today very unproductive.... skived for first half an hour reading my novel... then stoned around tried to add stuff to my paper... then peeled a kiwi they distributed to us yesterday... then awaited my free lunch at crystal jade with other scholars and the 'head'.....afternoon asked colleague to give me some suggestions... then got gdp data sent to me by kind person from MND... at 440pm went for my free health checkup and to my horror found out that i have shrunk yet put on weight!! infuriating. i am super heavy now. and i have borderline high cholesterol! felt somewhat embarrassed in front of staff who gave me a mini lecture on how i should avoid deep fried foods, exercise more regularly..... haha. sigh now i am tempted to spend money to find out if i have more good or bad cholesterols.

many ppl take leave for good reasons but i took a day off today purely to slack.  cos staring more at my regression data for another consecutive day would not be very productive i figured.
watched brotherhood today and it was really good! i was really very touched by many of the scenes and somehow i felt that the film was very 'human'... and i thought it had a pretty good portrayal of the sufferings that plague civilians during wartime... the pain of parting... many many human emotions all in one film. at some point in the movie i was actually feeling rather appalled by how ppl just blindly kill fellow human beings just because their affiliations were different... like does loyalty to ur party/country really matter that much that we overlook everything else and look upon fellow human beings/friends with hostility or even plain vengefulness... like what caused ppl to regard one another with so much hatred... so chilling. Other than that it wasn't exactly very convincing to cast a 27-year old actor as a 18-yr old going-to-college boy... and the war was a little bit too draggy.... and little gory at times....  on the whole i really liked the movie... oh and i think won bin has really nice eyes haha. but guess he's the more boy boy type of shuai guy..
oh and i got a really cute black bear soft toy from joyce... =P and i thought it was really cute how its tag had 'love instructions' for the bear.. another addition to my soft toy collection on my bed! =)

getting increasingly disillusioned at work whole day staring at excel worksheets and regression software... and also getting rather worried that i will not end up with anything 'solid' in the end to submit to my supervisor.... and i also got confused cos was looking at the workings of this previous staff who did regressions... and she had like p values that were super high and yet she did not rule them out as insignificant and used all these regressors to make projections all the same..... hmmm.... was she just 'bo chap' or is there something more i should know? 

was sent the pictures of my colleague's new born son; one of them showed him lying on the table in the operating theatre! never got a glimpse of what i looked like then haha. i feel rather disturbed recently with this whole idea of ppl getting attached and couples setting up families... like during lunch one day this week my colleague suddenly leaned forth and asked expectantly, "so you really dun hav a boyfriend?" then went on to give me advice on how if u start working you prob wun hav time for such things blah... and then last week was on my way home i bumped into my rgs schoolmate behaving slightly intimately with her boyfriend on the streets and i felt really awkward that i had to 'disturb' them cos i really wanted to say hi to her... and once my colleagues were discussing which bridal shop has good wedding pics... can't be that ppl working in stat boards feel more inclined towards starting families right... haha maybe for like 3 seconds i understand someone who whole day complains she jia bu chu qu.... hmm but i am a little surprised by how most ppl really sincerely want to get married and have kids. more than 2 frens within span of one week said something like that. and one was rather shocking- she made a pact with fren that if they are both not married by 30, they would marry each other...

shall create two posts for today... went out with our da pai yest night and had yummy dessert at fullerton... but our pleasure was short-lived, with 5 ppl feasting on two tiny plates of 1) tiramisu and 2)pandan creme brulee with coconut ice cream.... da pai has long hair now! but she insists that it's to prevent her hair from scratching patients or something... seems like everyone is getting so womanly etc.... =P
went out with jeannice just now, who just came back from her yellowstone working stint... and her experience sounds really cool! and she happened to be with many nice ppl... for a while her two months there made me feel like she had done more than my 2 years in US... rediscovered far east plaza.. goodness knows when was the last time i frequented that place.. and stumbling onto sunny bookshop just brought back memories of my RGS days... they seem to have a lot of 'funky' stuff there now... haha perhaps can go shopping there after my attachment ends...
then proceeded to TAKA and they happened to have a food fest event there... cannot help but conclude that eating is kinda a national pastime... there were long lines of people everywhere, ppl squeezing past one another to get samples of free food; looking up at the second storey, i spotted this angmoh aiming his video cam at the crowd... he must have been really amused..

who said what?
 
was scrolling through my 100 over smses in my inbox and decided to 'publish' some memorable smses that I have kept in there....
 
an unexpected compliment.... Eh I think u are v cool u're my idol now yeah!
wedding bells ringing?......Pinnacle at duxton is so cool! I want! HDB not gonna build anymore this kind?
an unflattering but amusing insult..... Thats why its interesting. When u cant fit into anything. Then u have nothing to wear tmr how.
secret complaints.... Screamsss. My mum shoopping for swim suits! lucky that din last long. 

I am feeling more comfortable with the bunch of colleagues i lunch with everyday... and i am starting to think that I will grow to miss them.. they are a very different bunch of ppl, chinese-speaking, very shuang kuai and though i don't really have any common topic to talk about with them, I do feel that they do try to make an effort to include me and I am really touched. Some people conveniently forget you when u dun say anything... well I am not saying in such cases it's their fault, because i mean if i myself want to be heard I should take the initiative to speak up as well... I am just touched by ppl who make that extra effort =P and in turn I also tried to share some stuff... like how i got unclassified for maths c haha. cos we somehow started talking about hwa chong and jc and courses we took..
am also pleasantly surprised by the niceness of some ppl. and it's rare that some ppl, even though u dunno them very well, u can tell that they kinda treat everyone with the same kind of sincerity and kindness and u just feel like u should really emulate them...

announcement!
haha actually it's nothing- i just turned on my comment option so now ppl can leave comments... but i think ppl cannot see them and they just get directed to my email add.... not sure though =P will try to look for a tagboard some time later...
got a new laptop on thursday.. so have been trying to transfer files to my new laptop the whole of this weekend. was pretty domestic today too.... made green tea ice cream using jap mix this morning, then cooked dinner for my family for the first time since I came back... haha but very very simple dishes.. my usual sweet and sour tofu plus fried vege... mum cooked lian ou tang. went to pasir ris library and found a cookbook on eggs and learnt an interesting and simple fact about how to tell if eggs are fresh... haha it's probably common sense, just that it never really came across my mind. according to the book, just place your egg in a glass of water or something and if it sinks it's fresh but if it's stale it will rise or float in middle. cos eggshells are porous and if it has been out for a while, there would be more air in the air sac... i shall try that some day... =P
I will have a new colleague moving in beside me tmr...transferred from some other unit.. and app she is familiar with housing demand stuff! yay finally have someone to ask... but also means that I will feel pressured to be more sociable, instead of just slacking away with no worries about socializing with ppl as i have done for the past 4 weeks cos no one used to sit near me... but perhaps it's a good thing =)

I have grown increasingly piggish at work. stuck with my regression and ppl i appealed to for help didn't get back to me... so skived and chatted on the internet for half an hour... then went back to desk and stoned around and tried to look at data i asked from my colleague but nothing productive came out of it... also slightly embarrassing that every single day i never fail to have twix wrappers in my dustbin and there was a strawberry jap yam yam addition to the bin today... cleaners must be thinking this girl does nothing all day but eat... =P
had lunch with a female colleague who to my surprise told me that she had her 1-month anniversary with her bf yesterday and then proceeded to show me his picture... was a little taken aback by this type of 'intimacy'... but then it did create some lunch conversation... felt a little strange... ppl seem to be really open about their ling yi bans huh... shu also mentioned how ppl at her lab all like rave about their bfs, and one 23-yr old girl got upset with her bf cos he wants to study and doesn't want to get married in the near future.... seems that everyone seems very concerned about their impending 'fates'... or is it just at this age ppl think about such stuff...

very girlish for the moment and went shopping with mum and tried on like many many dresses.. haha. but sadly the one i like are too small and those i dun are too big. so came home with none... and disappointed my mum by rejecting those that she thought looked nice on me... =P
this week i did something that mustered so much courage... and i dun regret... and hopefully i will be happier and more confident in future... am trying really hard to not care about what other ppl think of me... i really really hope i will be happy next sem and not get depressed over little things once again.
i got pretty inspired by my attachment project to learn applied econometrics... just that it really is pretty difficult to learn it on my own. looked up spring schedule of classes for 04(by mistake actually) and realized that there was c142, which i would definitely sign up for if it were available next sem.. sadly no. so regretful that i dind't take econometrics earlier... realize that it really is an essential tool for doing research in econ... wonder also if i should go take h195a this year instead of next, and try to write two honors theses?? but might be too ambitious. hmmm dunno, still kinda confused. but somehow, i am beginning to understand how so many ppl can do research in econ....
oh and the amazing race is returning to channel 5 next week!! yay.

Pelagia's Lament

am a little crazy over Captain Corelli's Mandolin still.... haven't come across any author who can produce such a hilarious, witty yet at times really sad and touching stories for a while... Louis De Bernieres is my fav author for the month! haha not that i read novels... prob like once a year.
anyway, would like to share part of a beautiful yet heartbreaking passage i read today... when Pelagia's father got killed by an earthquake

...I (Pelagia) cradled his bloodied head in my hands and saw that his eyes were empty. His old eyes, looking not on me but on the hidden world beyond. And I thought then for the first time how small and frail he was, how beaten and betrayed, and I realised that without his soul he was so light and thin that even I could lift him. And I raised up his body and clasped his head in my breast, and a great cry came out that must have been mine, and I saw as clearly as one sees a mountain that he was the only man I've loved who loved me to the end, and never bruised my heart, and never for a single moment failed me.

but i guess one must read the book to really appreciate the passage... but nonetheless, this is my weak attempt to justify my liking for this book, in case some ppl are really bewildered why i keep ranting on and on about it... =P
on other hand, i felt rather neglected today that my 'mentor' is so busy and doen'st even have time to look through what i drafted and as the moment i am kinda stuck

today i actually felt a little productive at work. drew up some framework for my project, but really have no idea if it will work out. shall type it out nicely tomorrow and show it to my supervisor and see what she says. my email (only source of communication) was down today and so i was totally disconnected. hope the technicians will be kind enough to repair or fix whatever went wrong... else i can't even send emails to my colleagues.. =(
went to toa payoh ntuc after lunch and got myself some jap titbits! haha so as to prevent myself from marching over to HDB nexus to get m & ms... bought this star-shaped rice cracker snack.... so all these crackers are individually packaged, two crackers in one and the transparent packaging has like different faces and expressions printed on them so the star crackers inside get different expressions. really cute. then my colleague gave me some wasabe (how to spell?) peas/nuts and some other rice cracker... haha i have a corner for snacks now. and adjacent to my snacks is this tissue box cover in the form of some white dog character from sanrio... ppl who drop by must think i am still reminiscent of sec sch or something.
and i and still enjoying my captain corelli's mandolin. on page 350 something today. and on the mrt this morning i read the most touching and heartwrenching parts and tears really welled in my eyes. this will definitely come under my list of favorite books though i havn'et finished it... and i bought the vcd yest from HMV! sale so it was only $9.95... shall savour it during the weekend when i hav the time...

i was really really upset last night... but good thing had dear jacqui and jing to talk to so i am fine now =) terrible me always gets too emotional.
spent an unproductive day at office this morning... and it is really unhealthy that i sit at my desk all day long usually, 5 days a week... even unhealthier that when i feel myself falling asleep i look for my wallet and march to the HDB nexus to get snacks to munch on!! decided that M and Ms are efficient image-destroying, fat-generating snacks so switched to pocky... haha not that they are veyr healthy. shall quit this habit altogether...
been trying to look for a new laptop.. and i fell in love with the hp pavilion zt3000 series... nice silver with bluish tinge and very thin sleek design... just dunno if it is that reliable. toshiba is too ex and not very pretty. fujitsu is pretty but out of budget...everyone recommends IBM for performance but sadly they need a lot more work on their design. ok me getting carried away, not that i know how to design exteriors of laptops. maybe when i get a new laptop i can stop using my sis's laptop and connect to the internet using my own laptop and transfer all my pictures... i want to add a new tagboard on my blog... but tagboard page i used to frequent seems to have disappeared.. =( maybe some other time...

watched the first episode of the apprentice which is now showing in sg.... reminds me of the time when i was following the amazing race... though the tension is not as great i suppose...
work is fine i suppose, and pretty different from my life in the US! mainly because i am with a very different group of ppl... for the past two weeks i have been lunching with a bunch of fairly young officers, many of them newly wed (surprisingly) and the issues they talk about are of course very different from things i am used to in berkeley... u hear ppl talking about their husbands or wives... ppl talking about their kids...once one colleague gave a promotional treat in the meeting room and that was when i heard young mothers talking about their kids... one mother was especially horrified when her child came back one day and started imitating william hung and his famous she bangs performance, complete with actions....
have been attempting to read up on time series, since i am supposed to do some demand forecasting... but i am not veyr successful, having gone twice during work to the lil cafe connecting HDB hub to get M and Ms... which on both occasions i greedily devoured within like half an hour of purchase... hope i will be more productive the next few days..

haven't been blogging for some time, shall just drop a note for those ppl who still visit occasionally ;P
last week: developed my LA and europe pictures, watched harry potter with cat shu and toot toot, went to PDO yesterday and discovered to my horror (ok not really lah i suppose) that my primary sch fren is coming as an incoming freshman next year.... cannot believe why so qiao... tried to read my captain corelli's mandolin in the mornings whenever i secure a seat on the mrt train on the way to work, when i am not too sleepy from having not slept enough the previous night...surprisingly it is an entertaining and highly enjoyable read, though poignant at times cos it talks about war as well...
work is still pretty relaxing cos i haven't really been assigned what i am supposed to i guess, though i fear that once i am assigned my job i might not be able to deal with it properly... it's gonna be some econometrics model thing.. and considering how i hav only taken one econometrics class and dind't exactly do well for it... good luck to me
also somewhat upset the whole of last week as well, cos i was mo ming qi miaoly ignored by someone who refuses to tell me what on earth went wrong... and how am i supposed to apologize or correct whatever that's wrong when i dun even know what went wrong... =( i am not even given a chance... now i dun even know how serious whatever is wrong is and i can't do anything about it...

sweltering hot in singapore... and so sticky all the time!! haha ok complain complain... went shopping for working clothes today.. starting work tmr morning.. feel a little jittery but look forward to it in a way as well.
thought that i would hav the time and energy to sit down and slowly pick out snippets of my europe trip to write about.. but sadly i have been going out the past few days in a frantic attempt to find working attire...what else hav i been up to? nothing much i guess; tried to get a haircut just now but sadly when i reached the salon it was like closing in 5 min... watched some tv... quite irritatied with my internet at home, cos it's so erractic and keeps disconnecting itself.. so unlike my smooth connection back in berkeley.. miss it.. and i can't use my laptop... hav to go hunting for a new laptop some day too.... cos my old one is really going mad..
guess i had better sleep early.. hav to get up real early to ensure that i wun be late on my first day of work... plus sis complaining that i bugging the comp =P

am back in london, flying tmr morning, watching harry potter 3 later in 2 hours' time, waiting for cat and her bf to cook dinner for us... strangely idle and useless and kinda bored so decided to attempt to reflect on my 2 week europe trip... but am not sure where i should begin though. it has been very pleasurable definitely, being able to visit 4 countries in the short span of 2 weeks. i dun really think i can really decide which was my favorite place... i guess i cannot really compare because in diff places the culture was different, atmosphere was diff etc and they were all unique in their own way.
i guess travelling is also a way of self-discovery, it's about finding out how grouchy a person i can become when i am worn out from walking all day, about how complainy i become when i had to lug my 15 kg luggage up and down subway station steps and strange campsites =P about how i am actually so picky about showers having distributed water streams that dun wash my hair properly. it's also about having to compromise and not mind being dirty... haha when hostels have hot water that make ur skin red that make it impossible to shower or when there is just no time to shower... or when u take overnight sleeper trains to get from a city to another...
it would have been good and more educational also if i had the time to do more research on the places i actually visited. but it did help that all these places had shops equipped with tourist handbooks and maps from which we copied locations of tourist attractions onto our own pathetic free maps...
travelling in europe was also a small pain in that most of the food available was somewhat starchy and fattening...no yummy cheap chinese food. but italy was pretty pleasant as we managed to find relatively affordable chinese cuisine and signs to chinese restaurants never failed to light up our eyes and make our stomachs growl...

somehow after my LA and Europe trips, i became a lot more aware that i can be easily stressed and upset... contrary to many pple's expectations. =) but i guess that just makes me normal. i think it's just that i dun hav outbursts of anger... or i seldom get highly 'bu shuang' with ppl... but i think i can get moody too. esp when i am tired.. =P

oops ok hav to hav dinner now.. shall continue next time..

am back in london, flying tmr morning, watching harry potter 3 later in 2 hours' time, waiting for cat and her bf to cook dinner for us... strangely idle and useless and kinda bored so decided to attempt to reflect on my 2 week europe trip... but am not sure where i should begin though. it has been very pleasurable definitely, being able to visit 4 countries in the short span of 2 weeks. i dun really think i can really decide which was my favorite place... i guess i cannot really compare because in diff places the culture was different, atmosphere was diff etc and they were all unique in their own way.
i guess travelling is also a way of self-discovery, it's about finding out how grouchy a person i can become when i am worn out from walking all day, about how complainy i become when i had to lug my 15 kg luggage up and down subway station steps and strange campsites =P about how i am actually so picky about showers having distributed water streams that dun wash my hair properly. it's also about having to compromise and not mind being dirty... haha when hostels have hot water that make ur skin red that make it impossible to shower or when there is just no time to shower... or when u take overnight sleeper trains to get from a city to another...
it would have been good and more educational also if i had the time to do more research on the places i actually visited. but it did help that all these places had shops equipped with tourist handbooks and maps from which we copied locations of tourist attractions onto our own pathetic free maps...
travelling in europe was also a small pain in that most of the food available was somewhat starchy and fattening...no yummy cheap chinese food. but italy was pretty pleasant as we managed to find relatively affordable chinese cuisine and signs to chinese restaurants never failed to light up our eyes and make our stomachs growl...

somehow after my LA and Europe trips, i became a lot more aware that i can be easily stressed and upset... contrary to many pple's expectations. =) but i guess that just makes me normal. i think it's just that i dun hav outbursts of anger... or i seldom get highly 'bu shuang' with ppl... but i think i can get moody too. esp when i am tired.. =P

oops ok hav to hav dinner now.. shall continue next time..


oops think dinner will be

am at cambridge using ting's computer to do this!! =) past few days hav been really enjoyable meeting ppl in and around london... tmr shall mark the end of my europe trip and i will be flying back to SF and then SG on thursday for attachment... =(

am currently on a campsite on the outskirts of rome.... just had a freaking cold shower this morning cos although they claimed to hav hot showers there was no hot water... and it rained last night and i had water drip into the tent i was sleeping in... haha ok i sound really really pathetic. i guess its not that bad considering the price we are paying... went to the a few places in Rome yest... the colosseum is awesome! and there are fountains everywehre and majestic buildings sprinkled around the city... going to Vatican city later... =)

am at cat's place in london... london is quite pretty. taking eurostar to paris early tmr morning... but am so tired and worn out today... hope the rest of the trip will be good, and that i get enough sleep.... =)

back from LA trip and i think i got absolutely sick of driving! think we drove at least 700 miles in 4 days and it's seriously demoralizing to have people horn at you whenever u make lil mistakes when driving... or when u hesitate... no wonder ppl tell me it's really stressful driving in LA...
our trip was pretty cool though... i never really expected myself to be able to drive so much and get around without major glitches... though at times shu the navigator and I the driver felt like just moving to the backseats and just slack behind... but of course that was not possible..
it was cool that we actually got to meet ryan seacrest in person and we even took a picture with him! not that he is a big celebrity or anything, but it was still fun nonetheless...
getting lost and having to drive randomly around is NOT a fun thing...
now there's more 'in store' for me... the worry-warty me panicking for our europe trip cos NOTHING has been planned... and i really want to make this trip a good one... and am pretty excited now too actually... just a bit tired and spaced out... and my whole house is in a mess now.... my kitchen is veyr gross my own toilet is rather dirty... and new housemates just moved in... i htink i just bother myself with everything and make myself so stressed...
want to upload my LA pics but unfortunately card reader is not here... so i suppose can only do that when i get back to sg...

somehow i feel that i have learnt so much more about life in the past few days than i hav for the whole semester? i was just struck by how people are often not what they seem to be, that people hide things, that people are vulnerable and need frens... that people aren't perfect and it's the tolerance and forgiving that makes things work... that sometiems it might be a lot better to be open.... that you have to learn to accept urself for who you are, and not always yearn to be something u are not. and get upset over that....
and thanks to jeannice for highlighting the fact that people have differnt needs, and different friends fulfill different needs and thus every friend is nice in his/her own way...
somewhat strange that i am realizing all these in the middle of my finals, but it also made me realize that grades are but such a small part of your life...
but i just dun understand why it's so hard to let go of some things when they are obviously not doing me any good...

can't believe it's one week to the end of my finals... like exactly one week... and i hav so much so much to catch up on for econ 140!!
got joyce and jeannice from the airport yest... and the feeling was just great. being able to fetch ur frens from the airport, letting them hav glimpses into ur life... sharing you life here with them... the only sad thing is that this is all happening at the wrong time! if only i didn't hav finals.. i could bring them to many more places.... and i wouldn't get so stressed...
i really really look forward to my LA and Europe trips though. jsut that i am a little anxious since nothing is planned yet... =P esp for Europe...
i am also finally done with my R and C paper! felt that this was really soemthing i felt for, something i really worked hard for... i really really hope i can get an A for the class. Atonement is a great read... i myself am amazed by my paper topic... i never ever thought i would be able to write something like that on Atonement when i first picked up the book again for my eng class... =)
getting my Polisci take home final later on in class, more work on my hands!

yay! blogger website revamped and they added some nice new templates and the lazy me just clicked on one of them and 'revamped' my site too.... only sad thing is that the msg box disappeared and i will hav to get a subscription again... but like this template a lot.... but finals round the corner, so no time to do anything to it in the meantime. and i foresee it being like that for the next month at least... cos after finals will be crazy zipping off to LA and then Europe.... and then back to sg for attachment... but it would be cool if i do get the time to sit down and really personalize my blog one day.
jap finals tmr... still like only 1/3 done; jeannice and joyce coming tmr and i'm really excited.... the thought of fetching my frens from the airport...this is the first time i'm doing that! hope everything turns out fine. but am rather worried.... i dun think i will get a lot of studying done... but shall try my best ;P

i dun want to get bouts of depression but i still do. i try to not take things too personally but i dun really succeed...
i really need to be more disciplined and determined when doing things... really lack perseverance. =(
yest saw me trying to help my spring break group write out a page for our memory book.. i realize that it was actually pretty fun to write out captions for the pictures.... and all of a sudden i felt like i wanted to join some publication and like write articles... to give reviews on things etc... that woudl be quite cool. and can improve writing skills... jsut that i dun think i am good enough to critique anything though.... hmmm... if i can write really well one day it woudl be so cool....

hmmm my entry looks schizophrenic

baked egg tarts again finally today! =P but veyr bad, took up so much time... but i really coudnt write any more of my paper after working on it for like 3-4 hours straight...... well hope i can finish it tonight though. also was getting confused, dunno if i was being contradictory in my paper.... so... also realized that my major gpa was so so terrribly low!!! aargh. need some booster class... =(

it's so strange i have been going to jacqui's place practically everyday for the past 3 days..... and tues night saw a dodge stratus and a honda accord v6 coupe speeding down san pablo ave.... with an inexperienced female driver in each... i guess it wasn't a very safe thing to do.. haha but it was fun. for like 30 seconds...
i finally got down to clearing my kitchen yest afternoon.... and now its so much cleaner than before.... very proud of myself. just hope that it actually stays in this state for more than a week..... i duno. i think i am very inspired by the new house to do something to mine.... like i feel a little envious of the new house, but yet i think it is up to me to make my place a nicer one to live in..... shall plan to redecorate my room when i come back in summer =P
in the meantime, i feel so so doomed for econ 140!!! and finals are in around 2 weeks' time..... am looking forward to things after that, but in the meantime... hmm....

just came back from shiying jacqui sumei and evelyn's new place... it is so unbelievably cosy and 'house-like'.... and neat!! feel so inspired and envious.. =P no lah not envious but really like their place. makes me want to redo my whole room and whole house and do a major clean up. but there's no time for it now seriously.... so prob have to wait till august, when i come back from my attachment. i guess i can perhaps come back earlier to do something to my room. just that will 3 guys 'tolerate' my little girl fanatasies to decorate the house? the keyboard in their living room, plus the impressive resident pianist who effortlessly allows all of us to relive sun yanzi's songs... it just made the whole house really warm and comfy to be in....
it's so so so hot today..... i hope it doen'st carry on like that... i can't believe that it is actually 22C outside right now, at 11pm at night.... help...

it has been a hectic week and i foresee more hectic weeks ahead... turned in my poli sci midterm paper on tues afternooon after spending a super long time doing it.. skipping sections and lectures to complete it.. and yet i dun think it was a good paper. oh well. had oral presentation and response paper due last thurs.. and stayed up really late to do it.. and had jap skit to do as well. this weekend i prob hav to think of a proper idea for my R and C research paper and the research log is due on monday and i still hav no clue what i am going to write on. but i really really like Atonement.. Mcewan has such a brilliant insight into the human mind... and he's so good and meticulous in describing subtle details.... so so impressive. if i can write half as well as him one day, i would be veyr satisfied already....

am gonna try to make more fried carrot cake later... to try to redeem myself. but dunno if i can do that... else i will be eternally stuck with the reputation of cooking the yuckiest carrot cake in the world that even my can-pick-up-food-from-the-floor-and-eat housemate finds it difficult to finish a small plate....
haha and gonna try to make jap okonomiyaki later too! the jap club made it at spring fest las tweek... so i ggot very excited and i want to try making it.... =P
hopefully i will get some work done tmr....

the last 72 hours has seen tremendous changes to my life here.... not only because jacqui and i managed to successfully make and sell about 90 cream puffs at spring fest on Saturday... but also cos shiyun is suddenly moving out and two other guys are gonna move in next sem! and now my dad done'st want me to drive down to LA and wants me to fly but not everyone is agreeable... and i have a poli sci midterm paper due tmr and spent whole of yest night talkign about housing issues!! and havn'et done my data entry for the week!! and hav to start on research paper for r and c!! getting stressed and i feel like there's no time for anything.... but hopefully it just makes me more motivated to work and get everything done......

PLS DUN READ THIS... serious.
i just needed some place to complain..... i feel so stressed and it's all my own fault.. for not managing my time well and always choosing to do frivolous things over proper work... and i just feel so mediocre at everything i try. =( am zipping off to europe in may/june but though i really look forward to this break... and it's really really nice that my frens are gonna come from sg to visit me, but i fear that i will be so stressed that i wun enjoy their stay as well... though i REALLY reaLly want to spend quality time wiht them... =( how... and i didn't take my econ 140 midterm and my finals is gonna weigh very very heavily.... and i dun hav the capacity and tenacity and perseverence and discipline and whatever to really fight on i fear.... feel veyr horrible. =(

am distracted from work once again... thinking senseless things i shouldn't be! aargh. i feel like saying something but i fear the consequences. but bottling everything up isn't helping either. aargh why is this happening to me
(one hour later) hmmm but just talked to ting and suddenly feel ok.... i'm such a temperamental creature!! maybe all of us are but none of us really show it.... aiyah i dun think i am ok but i'm not so 'stressed' now i guess.... love ICQ.. haha ok i am going mad. maybe i will go to safeway later and try to make mango cream for springfest.... and see how it turns out. sigh i am so undisciplined.... never use time to finish the loads of work i have. and i think if i actaullly conscienctiously read my japanese chapters every week before class, i would be so much better at it. i just complain and never carry out my resolutions.

opted out of my 140 midterm in the end.... at like 730 this morning... after studying for it all night yesterday.... oh well. thought i shoudn't take it cos i had no confidence in aceing (sp?) it and taking it would defeat my purpose of taking it... to save my first midterm grade... had better work hard and do well for finals else face the consequences.... =( feeling very slack today, though i have so much coming up..... why why. oh well. but at least i am not depressed or antying... haha. dunno why i keep reminding myself that these days...
supposed to do a mini assignment for R and C today... to look for examples of 'free indirect discourse' in the novel i am reading.... aargh. dunno what it even vaguely looks like. it's amazing how there are so many different forms of narration that i am not even aware of...

my totally unexpected 2 min of fame?
found myself on our berkeley newsletter...
and if anyone is interested, there are more pics on this other group member's website
am panicking real bad for my econ 140 midterm!!! aargh. dun want to fail..... yet keep procrastinating! aargh.

just returned from jacqui and sumei's church production not too long ago..... and it just got me thinking how creative and multi-talented all these ppl were... and though it kinda made me make comparisons again.... thinking what limited stuff i am capable of... but no i am not depressed... =)
SMSA elections today also made me aware of a mild change in my thinking i suppose.... now that i look back at elections last year, i think i really had self-esteem too low for my own good. on hindsight, i think i would have learnt a lot and probably had a lot of fun had i ran and got the post of secretary... so when i got nominated today, though i know that i cannot possibly do it this year, it made me think "what if...." not that i regret anything, just that i somehow became aware of my change in mindset perhaps recently.... i hope i am getting a lot less emotional and irrational....
i think i am still sometimes upset about my inability to ''get'' things sometimes.... for being quite dense sometimes.... but i am trying to improve.... and i hope i eventually do...

busy! midterm next week paper due next next week... R and C research stuff due soon as well..... and more data entry work to do again! feel really really short of time and it doens't help that i sometimes just doze off on my bed before getting any work done! but glad that i am not idle and thus hav no time to even hu si luan xiang. really really want to do well for my IR class.... i hope i hav time to summarize my articles..... just to get a hang of analysing them... made cookies for my decal class yesterday night and spent the whole night just doing that. but i'm happy! like to give ppl stuff and package them up prettily.... gives me so much satisfaction somehow! haha but if only i derived more pleasure in doing work.... of course i enjoy things that i am learning.... but at times non-academic stuff just seem more attractive. I'm reading this play by Tom Stoppard, titled Arcadia right now.... its such a complex adn confusing book with big themes... and the plot is apparently very smart... jstu that i dind't get half of the things in the book. sad. have to read the first act all over again to see what i have glossed over..... and my next book's Atonement by Ian McEwan... yay! look forward to 'dissecting' it.....

during dinner we were just musing over how fast all of us are gonna graduate and leave.... and somehow the thought of the ppl i am comfortable with all leaving after 3 years made me feel somewhat low-spirited... i think i will miss them dearly and always smile to myself when i think of them when all alone in my own apartment in my senior year..... haha ok.. am painting such a bleak picture of things....
was feeling really mad today and went to berkeley and bought 3 things from GAP.... and wanted to get a roxy flip flops but it was ex and felt it was being very extravagant.. but then again i hardly shop... just that my high expenditure during the past month pulled me back.... sigh. wished there were factory outlets just next door or something! =P

am finally at home, indulging in being able to use the internet once again... haha actually it's not that bad. i pretty much survived without it. it's just that when u hav it, u just keep staying online...
after 5 consecutive days of service, i am glad that i am finally home. not that i din'dt enjoy my trip, i really did! cos it was fun and informative and heartwarming.... but i guess there is a limit to hwat you can take at one go... so five days of com service was quite enough for me. it can be a little tiring really.... and i miss the luxury of my powerful shower at home! the trickle of water at the hostel was really miserable but of course i am not complaining.... just a comment.... =)
i also find it amazing how the very different personality of each member on the trip added so much variety yet dind't cause any major conflicts among us... and even though some ppl were less receptive than others, some took more initiative than others, some were more fun than others, i thought it was cool how everything worked out pretty well, and i actually felt a little sad that our trip was ending at the time i parted with my groupmates....and one thing that struck me througout the trip was the love and patience and compassion of so many ppl out there.... to be wiling to make sacrifices for this community... that was really heartwarming and definitely taught me to be more considerate and sensitive to the needs of this community...
though i have to admit that i still dun fit in well with americans, but wiht some effort i think it's still possible to talk to them etc.... and many of the ppl on this trip are really nice ppl... just a pity they will likely remain nice ppl whom i wun really be able to become better friends with...one girl Martha was especially memorable.... i think i was just being my usual self and quiet... and yet shes sometimes tried to like 'pull' me along in doing stuff... like there was talentime at the ala costa center and the kid called out her name and she just pulled me along onto the stage... and then we were supposed to perform... haha though i felt very embarrassed but i just like tried to not show it and tried to do some funny actions for the fun of it... guess when ppl take the initiative to 'pull' me out of my comfort zone, i then tend to reciprocate and then be a little more chummy with them.... =)

tis 720 am now and i just woke up and we are gonna set off at 8am to this facility to go on a field trip with some of the ppl.... and in the afternoon we are gonna go to a watchdog facility... i really look forward to that! am on a 10-min one dollar computer terminal at my hostel now and just decided to write soething really short.... the past two days have been interesting... there were ups and downs and points when i kinda regretted coming on this trip but now i quite look forward to the things we are gonna do for the next few days and hopefully i'll really enjoy myself.... and something unprecendented... i went running in the morning yest in the heart of San Francisco!! haha so nan de, me exercising.... oh no no more time on this comp..... will write when i get back

seems like the name william hung doesn't fail to excite everywhere.... went for office hours yesterday and i think one group was gonna do somehitng related to this 'theme'.... and i think the sensei asked who is william hung, is he handsome?? then the girl had to say chotto.... (like deliberating..)... then this ang moh sensei came out from the inner office and said very enthusiastically.... "totemo handsamu desu!" and it made everyone laugh....
i went to talk to komatsu sensei and she was really nice.. and i really had fun trying to tell her about my trip to tokyo.... and cos i went to the Ghibli museum (which she hasn't been to) i told her that it was very cute and interesting and that she should bring her kids there! haha felt very proud of myself momentarily.... like telling jap teacher places in japan.... haha. supposed to do a lot of work this week.... but sadly i haven't. and preparing for jap oral quiz also took up some time.... am going for hans blix talk at zellerback later... hope it will be insightful and interesting..... not that i thik i will be able to fully appreciate everything that will be said, but at least i will hav tried...... still very upset about my inability to scale greater heights academically..... and got a not too good score for my econ 140 midterm as well... =( dame desu!
but on the other hand, i was really happy on monday cos i drove alone all the way to fremont to purchase my laptop adapter.. felt really really independent!! though of course i was a little scared at the same time, worried that somthing might happen to car or to me...... but glad it all went well....

hectic week is finally over! and one more week to spring break and finally a small respite... but in the meantime, still have to 'ganbatte'... in all my subjects! hope my r and c paper was a lot better than the previous one, cos i really tried my best to improve it.... went down to stanford yest with chester trina and darwin and met jing for dinner! it's a different feeling altogether, being able to drive down in ur own car!! i really really enjoy and treasure my new-found convenience, independence and 'authority' and now i really cannot imagine myself being deprived of this 'luxury' anymore!! and today's the first anniversary of the car..... hmm perhaps i should be glad that there hasn't been any major damages to the car other than this big terrible scratch i made to the bumper and have yet to get rid of.... but i have to say that i am a somewhat reckless driver and after u get more comfortable driving, i tend to drive faster but not BETTER.... eeks. had better exercise some self-control...

what do u do with secrets that u have to keep forever... write them down and fold it into a boat and let it drift away with the currents in the sea?....

my low spirits were lifted yesterday evening when i received a surprise birthday parcel, filled with a card and gifts that showed such sincerity and thoughtfulness on the part of the sender that i was really really touched and felt really blessed that i actually meant so much to someone.... =)
and the reason for my low spirits is that i have to rewrite my r and c paper that i spent so much time on... like write a totally new essay or risk getting maybe C on my paper... cos my gsi said my thesis wasn't controversial. sigh. felt very shi bai then.... haven't been able to think of anything new to work on.... and it's due on fri.... (managed to get one day extension)... but i shan't complain. shall just try my best and hopefully i can think of something.... usually this would put me into depression, but i am trying to remain positive now and just get it done and not let if affect my mood too much.... else the daily insecurities i still face these days would plunge me into depression again. not healthy. thought i could slack this week... but sadly no.... =(

had a fulfilling field trip to the ala costa center , as part of the preparation activities lined up for our spring break trip.... it's near north berkeley and has this little park right beside it which enables the kids to play and hav games there.. qutie a nice environment. The person who gave us a tour of the place was really helpful and welcoming and after the introduction we were left to interact with the kids.... initially i felt really strange and awkward, cos i have to admit i was a little shocked and i didn't know what i should do. like trying to talk to them might not be something desirable.. from their point of view. like i started talking to this boy, who seemed pretty receptive. but after a few min he just said 'can you pls go away' and i just felt really bad that even though i was trying to help, it kinda backfired. but eventually got a little more comfortable and one incident made me really overwhelmed... i think i was just standing at the field watching them play games, then this little boy slid his hand into mine and then just stood silently by me. then one teacher suddenly asked him, "why are u crying" and then i realized that he was just tearing.... and so i tried to find out what happened but he refused to say anything and seemed to just want to hold my hand and have me 'protect' him for a while.... so i did. and for the next few min we just stood there silently and somehow when he was just fidgeting my fingers while holding on to my hand i just felt so conscious of it and i was just so happy that I coudl at least provide some form of 'reassurance' to him.... then after some time i think he kinda 'recovered' and went to play with other kids... leaving me baffled as to what really happened, yet strangely touched.... i think i might really have a soft spot for kids. and i was also quite upset when talking to this shy girl, who didn't dare to really look at me and kept saying that she was dumb....
but i am so glad that these kids have such a facility set up for them, that prevents them from unnecessary ridicule from uneducated members of the public, yet teaching them useful skills (like how to read road signs) to integrate them into society... and the dedication of the teachers there make me wonder, what i shoudl actually do with my life. should i just be concerned about academic pursuits or shoudl i sometimes pause a little while and try to appreciate other things in life, or try to do some things that are meaningful that i will remember for life...
on a lighter note, some berkeley students actually wanted to feature us in their prog... so then we had a tv crew follow us and it was strangely fake when we were filmed entering the centre, and have ppl follow us around. the person doing the program wasn't very nice and somehow her way of trying to portray our efforts made me feel that it was somewhat superficial? like she wanted me to pose and sit around the kids and interact wtih them..... like such actions totally mismatch our intentions and just made me feel that the way she was trying to go about doing her program in a wrong way...
and i am now paranoid..... that this thing may appear on national tv..... and i totally didn't knwo about it till we reached the place... and i had very luan hair and looked very terrible. eeks. so gross.

been into so much contact with christianity- films, ppl recnetly that i really dunno what i should make of everything that is put before me. was gonna go into the library to hibernate and start studying for my poli sci midterm, when 2 ppl approached me just at the entrance and requested to talk to me.... and they started on how i should receive the lord, that i am a sinner and since birth i have been sinning.... and for about half an hour i just stood there listening to them.... i'm not trying to be cynical, but i sometimes find it chilling how many christians seem so mesmerized and unsuspecting of what they believe in..... i jsut find it difficult to believe in something that i dun even know exists.... they told me that i should give it a try... what if it's real? but i just cannot bring myself to do things based on this 'what if' premise..... in this aspect at least. i can imagine what if i get into a car crash and so i buy insurance. i can imagine what if i fall sick.... so i try to not eat unhealthy food or too much throat-irritating things all at one go..... perhaps it's because these things that i think might happen i can actually imagine them happening. but what if "God" is real i just cannot seem to fathom... wonder if there's faulty logic there?

it was definitely comforting and heartwarming to have friends remember your birthday and take so much effort to celebrate it for you.... and i definitely got a pleasant surprise (though it would be more of a surprise had 'random' ppl not dropped me hints) with a yummy irish cream cheesecake, an enjoyable dinner at an Italian restaurant, a bouquet of flowers from my usually self-declared cheapo housemate, cards, prezs and well wishes from my friends, what else can i ask for? not forgetting ppl who weren't by my side, who made the effort to drop me calls... =) but my pessimistic and worrisome self never fails to inject some negative thoughts into me, as i actually thought, what hav i done to deserve all if any of this.... and then upon conveying such thoughts to a friend, i got lightly reproached for harbouring such thoughts at all... and they were 'termed' annoying.... yes, i should prob stop being so paranoid!!
spending all night out on thursday made me oversleep and as such i had to study in a flurry for my jap word quiz on friday morning... haha hope i dun do too badly.. but if i do, i have the consolation that it was 'all for a good cause'.....

then on friday i really enjoyed the night, just baking cooked chicken pieces and fishsticks from albertsons.... i also cooked my caramelized chicken wings again.... but got a comment that it prob wil taste better with unagi.. haha. and had the luxury of eating tang yuans... but got myself so stuffed with food that i prob gained a few pounds that night. eating and watching some spelling bee competition on tv and just hanging out with frens on a friday night with no worries about deadlines or midterms whatsoever was just so pleasant. and we drove up to lawrence lab to look at berkeley/ bay area and the bright lights at night.... it was really nice. though cold.... and the usually high-tolerance-cold-me chickend out and sat in the car half the time.... and i love driving at night! when there are no cars esp.... sigh i still need to improve my lane change skills...

am working on my r and c paper now.... and i hav to work really really hard for my poli sci midterm next week.... no time! still hav to go to sch later to complete my data entry work for the week.... hopefully i wil hav time to come back in time to catch a lil bit of oscars... =)

i have to admit that I do not have a very high level of self-confidence to begin with... and it leaves me wondering what i should think of myself, when at some point you find that whatever u say is constantly shot down by others? or things that you appreciate, or find interesting are frowned upon by others? well maybe not exactly frowned upon, but perhaps deemed no big deal.... or that your beliefs seem to be somewhat naive and not worthy of any notice? should i then attribute it to the differences in people's opinions and welcome the comments or shoudl i start to question myself and reflect on all my inadequacies.... ok not sure it there is such a word...
when met with such a situation, when everything you do seems to be mediocre, is it not reasonable to get upset with yourself or should i live on with an optimism that all is well and that i shouldn't compare myself with others cos it would just make myself depressed? (ok i think my last sentence sounded a little suicidal but i hav no such tendency at the least.... ) just some thoughts...

am gonna start on some data entry work this week; hopefully i will get adept at using the number pad and be able to work efficiently and quickly soon =) i also just realized that there are many microcomputing facilities on campus for studnets to print stuff, save their work, use various software etc.... how silly. having only realized that after 1.5 years in berkeley!! prior to this i hav always wondered why moffitt 3rd floor computers had no other programs and is it only that ppl cna go the unit computing centres to do their work....how naive of me
cooked caramelized chicken wings yest and they tasted pretty yummy! just that perhaps i shoudl hav left them in the oven for maybe 10 min longer... i was just afraid they will get 'chao da' cos the aluminium foil had burnt sauce on it already.... also did some slightly different things this weekend; tried zachary's chicago pizza along solano on sat evening.... i'ts deep dish pizza and lotsa chewy cheese and tomatos... pretty yummy but burnt a little hole in my already 'depleted' pocket.... then washed my car on sunday afternoon.... it's not easy to ''take care'' of a car really...

i finally got a car!!! a 2001 silver honda accord coupe. stopped writing for so long i don't really know what to write anymore....
but it was def satisfying and exciting being able to drive my own car..... unfortunately after a week of driving i don't think it has improved tremendously.... and i am still as bad as ever in changing lanes and i would prob be stuck on a freeway going straight till goodness knows when if there weren't ppl in my car helping me look out and tellign me if i can change lanes.... but I hope practice would gradually improve and perfect my driving skills!
it's been a hectic week, but I must say it has been a pretty happy one? albeit busy. dun think i did well for my econ 140 midterm but shall not think too much about it.... i was strangely surprised a few days ago, when in one day i accutally talkead to 3 of my jap 1b classmates..... and someone came up to me to ask if i could email econ 140 solutions to him if my gsi forwarded it to my section...... somehow i felt nice cos it was indeed an improvement from my last sem, when human communication was like minimal..... though i still dun talk to a lot of ppl and hav few frens, i just hope i am gradually improving... =) failed a pop quiz in my eng class..... did a mini 3 min presentation on schizophrenia in my disability decal class..... there def seems to be much more variety in my academic life... =) yay. but i think i'm gonna be really busy.... paper coming up and things due.... but i will persevere...