tickled by other ppl's V-day blues

now that it's drawing closer to Valentine's Day, are individuals panicking about what to give that special someone?? (i do acknowledge that V-Day is not just about romance but it still is dominantly portrayed and perceived that way right) and it also appears that this fretting seems to be a lot more severe among the male population? well perhaps i'm wrong but just an hour ago i was consulted by a panicky guy friend who didn't know what to do for his gf on V-day... wanted to be original and sincere but then so lazy some more.... tsk tsk. my deepest sympathies goes out to all those guys wishing to please their girlfriends.... if V-day is for lovers, why is it so heavily biased against the poor guys...(however in Japan guys get chocs from women on V-day! though they have to like return the favor a month later on White Day) like to a large extent, guys are still somewhat expected to take the initiative... foot dinner bills etc? no? perhaps i'm guilty of thinking this way too but suddenly i'm just like... why should this be the case? sometimes i find myself holding some expectations of things, yet I never really thought critically about where these expectations came from and whether they are still relevant... sometimes certain (dated) social norms are so hard-wired into our brains that we dun even think about whether they actually make sense or not.

oh well... anwyay, in some ways, i'm somewhat happy to be out of the game... and to be able to laugh and poke fun at ppl like *ahem* =P

it's very interesting to take small classes such as thesis classes where you get to read other ppl's work and talk about them.... and some pretty amusing (but perhaps not that surprising) things i observed today-- that ppl seem pretty good at pointing out ways forward/ things to look up for their peers, but can sometimes be more directionless when it comes to their own... sometimes it's really a case of pang2 guan1 zhe3 qing1. and even when other ppl point out flaws/weaknesses; some individuals can unabashedly declare 'i dunno'... without displaying slightest sign of embarrassment... i mean I'm totally capable of breaking down or something! oh well. i'm talking about Americans here. but not bad lah; i mean at least i dun feel that inferior... though i can never match up to their eloquence... but at least i feel like ppl dun seem to be able to write as well as they can argue.... =P on the other hand, i have to say though ppl have pretty good ideas and suggestions, so it's definitely a very good way to learn =) still stressed though about my own research...
on a VERY random and boliao note, the new batch of Meiji Yan Yan snacks have messages on them... but they are prob the most inconsistent messages i've ever seen! eg. i mean the Meiji Animal crackers have animals that come with respective labels; so do the vehicle crackers (ok i think you get the point) but these Yan Yan ones are just so random. so for Frog.... it says amphibian; Seal? Loves to sun tan.... Fox: Beware of Lies; Chick? lucky color is yellow...... i'm like ???!! (if i'm a kid who loves Yan Yan my world would be pretty warped if i'm constantly fed (no pun intended) these messages...)

i was sorely mistaken when i assumed that my parents were 'immune' to my travelling whims... but perhaps volunteering alone in a foreign country was different. (so they argue...) but to minimize shock, i proposed a nearby country-- Thailand. (but apparently it's prone to bird flu and recently two girls just went missing there or something; goodness knows what other even more valid reasons would have come up had i expressed even a slight intent to go to Africa....) so the initial joy from having gotten permission from HDB to not return immediately for work has turned into disappointment... well i know parents mean well but i just feel so held back that i can't help saying nasty things about incident... =( maybe i should be a 'good' girl for once huh.

How many sunsets ( here) left?

the evening skies here have been pretty amazing the past few days. this picture was randomly taken while walking down Hearst Ave... yet none of my pictures does justice to these beautiful sunsets... it's just somewhat soothing to be walking alone, while 'in the company' of skies beautifully suffused with deep yellows, pink and blue.

with submissions from other thesis class students coming in, semester is starting to get busy... attempted to read a classmate's draft this afternoon... and it certainly isn't easy trying to get into the inner workings of a "fellow muddled brain" =P but makes me feel like i'm not alone... sigh. perhaps when my draft is due two fridays from now, i'll have fellow classmates thinking the same thing about me. wonder if the other drafts are a lot more organized than the very first one i read though. i guess i'll find out over the next couple of days...
and i feel like i'm kinda settling in nicely into my semester... even though it sucks to have to get up at 8am every single day, sometimes enjoyable Jap classes really make the one/two hours loss of sleep daily worthwhile... and i'm also starting to believe strongly that no matter how busy i get, certain activities remain essential... filling in the small pockets of free time with meaningful activities like trying to prevent fat accummulation and volunteering really do 'soak up' time previously spent thinking negative or random thoughts... just hope i can keep up with this for rest of sem... =)

I walked into a beautiful sunset on my way home...

sometimes i really wonder if my ability to make judgments about issues/encounters becomes severely impaired by my emotional side. today i found myself getting really upset after some comments from a professor regarding my research approach... i'm wondering if i'm now feeling more discouraged than i really ought to because I took things personally too? probably because of the fact that i resolved last week to work hard on thesis and care less about trivial emotional stuff... only to find that even so, 'purely academic' things can make me upset too. And I dunno how i should really assess situation; did professor say what he did because of personal biases? i mean to certain extent what he said was his opinion and i am entitled to my own.... yet you have to concede that professors are probably more well-informed and familiar with their own fields of interest and probably have good reasons for being disapproving of certain things...

i guess one thing that really bothered me though was that I could tell he seemed pretty reluctant to discuss stuff with me (though at least was still pretty professional, but gave rather curt replies; i mean i am not totally insensitive so i kinda got the point...) and i dunno if it was because i was being very bothersome or was it just cos he disliked my research approach? The horrible thing is though is that I do enjoy his lectures (i've just been sitting in cos i'm interested) and for a moment i thought of just not going anymore. but then again, that's rather immature cos seriously I do learn things from his lectures lah; and i would be penalizing myself from learning new and useful things... so i have to be less childish and still go. ok. so long-winded. in short, I just thought he seemed negative about what I had to ask and me being overly sensitive to negative attitudes in other ppl got (unnecessarily?) upset...

what did i learn? 1) perhaps self-regulate and get less upset when other ppl dun seem to hold very positive views of me/what I want to do 2) try not to be discouraged, cos maybe i can prove that my way isn't that bad after all? 3) be more accepting of different POVs.... you know, I acknowledge at the back of my mind that diversity of opinions can be good. yet i can get unwittingly upset when ppl disagree... i think i tend to take disagreement too personally sometimes. how to change that... i dunno. slowly i guess.

I finally watched Ang Lee's widely acclaimed Brokeback Mountain last Friday and found it extremely saddening... and one line just lingered on in my head (and perhaps in many other ppl's heads too)... "I wish i knew how to quit you"--such a simple statement but says so much... it was a good movie. unfortunately i watched it when i was extremely tired... and sometimes i couldn't catch their accents. but.... even then you can get a lot out of it... and so i was just randomly surfing and realized that Heath Ledger (one of lead actors) starred as the romantic guy in 10 things I Hate About You too! and i remember really liking that movie (and his character in a very 'infatuated' kind of way)... but it's those kind of romantic teen movies...but a decent sort in this genre...haha. i shall hunt it down and watch it again when i have time... =P

Newly inspired

maybe Starbucks had this going for some time already, but it was only this morning while reading at Starbucks did i notice a quote printed on one side of my paper cup... and it said The Way I See it #61. It was a quote from Bill Brummel (a documentary film maker interested in human rights issues)

Imagine we are all the same. Imagine we agree about politics, religion and
morality. Imagine we like the same types of music, art, food and coffee. Imagine
we all look alike. Sound boring? Differences need not divide us. Embrace
diversity. Dignity is everyone's human right.

i thought it was such a cool idea... and i happened to get a very cool quote too. and so i've decided to rename my blog after this thingy.... =P so the next time you go to Starbucks, take a min or two to see what quote you get!

i also decided to check out the website to look for more quotes, and i chanced upon this other quote (under my new title) which means a lot to me ... given that i've actually been pondering over some of my own actions directly related to what the author was saying. Here are some bits from an interview... "it struck me that most of life is a series of reciprocal trade agreements: I give you this. You give me that. Teaching and parenting are the only exception. A teacher or parent gives, and what they get is the unparalleled experience of giving without expectation – the soul-gratifying experience of planting a tree from which you will never pluck the fruit." Later he continues, "Whether in the schoolroom, the living room, the bedroom, or the boardroom, loving forward is life’s most noble adventure. Love is a ladder; it allows us to climb out of ourselves." I think much as i try not to, i am still guilty of wanting some form of reciprocation from ppl i like... and sometimes it unwittingly gets into your head so much that, you know, you become upset when ppl dun seem to care... perhaps the way forward (to becoming a better person) is to just be more da4 liang4... and be less 'petty'.... (it's different from being bochap and indifferent, btw) easy to say but hard to do i guess. but it's really a worthwhile goal to work towards. =)

Happy New Year!

though it's still officially New Year's Eve on my side... it's New Year for the Sg/UK ppl and so... xin nian kuai le to all my dear friends. =) not doing anything special for New Year... perhaps just going for some Singaporean dinner at one of junior's houses. went with Jacqui to Chinatown this morning to look at some CNY fair... but it disappeared.. so ended up buying food from Oakland Chinatown. there were snaking lines of ppl queueing up for shao1 la4 and stuff... just for fun, i bought some char siew for my housemates to try... the funniest comments (but it's perfectly understandable for him to ask the questions he did) were from Kai-- why is it red? I think it's blood... which part of the pig is this from? but despite the doubtful comments he just popped pieces into his mouth anyways and actually found it pretty yummy... =)

the fresh start day didn't really begin too smoothly cos it saw me borrowing pencil from neighbor during jap class (cos forgot all stationery) and later rummaging through backpack for wallet when attempting to buy a notebook in the bookstore (to realize that i forgot my wallet, too) so had to take bus all the way home to get wallet.... but still bent on fresh start plan.... and one concrete attempt to do this was forcing myself to go for an aerobics class at the gym! but to my surprise, i found that i really quite like STEP (i went for step basics, since i've never done STEP before)... i mean i couldnt' really follow the rest of the class at times... but it's pretty fun. and not super crowded, unlike the more popular classes (such as kickboxing...) and i certainly prefer step over kickboxing... so... i shall make that a regular 'item' on schedule... (and hopefully dun get lazier as semester goes by) as of NOW, at least i feel like i'm one step closer to making my life more chong1 shi2..... =)

i think i spend so much time mulling over the silliest things when i can be a lot more productive and happy appreciating the last semester i have here... esp given it's the last 'official' chance for some time to come to really learn all there is to learn... the lectures i've sat in thus far are both good and very informative... and i really like them... but haven't been paying full attention. nor have i been conscientiously doing the readings i ought to have been doing... and instead of feeling so upset over the way some things are, i just need to "wake up"...

and some days ago i was also mulling over how i can sometimes be rather isolated, without realizing that it was also at times (actually frequently) self-imposed... and then what position am i really in to complain? and i realized today that i have yet to really learn what it means to be a really good and decent person. hopefully tmr will mark a fresh start.

it's rather irritating how i can't help myself from getting really upset over little things sometimes. and to have to lift your own spirits by ignoring them AMAP or by distracting yourself with other things.
also quite aware how i will have a sore lack of good company this sem and one task at hand is inevitably to find some things (other than sch work) to occupy myself else i shall be quite a miserable creature. i wonder why i'm not even thinking about people.

why do ppl cry when they are sad. it certainly doesn't make one less sad.

Last of all..... the Prague metro stations

after declaring my affinity for Prague's metro stations cannot leave everyone wondering what they really looked like right? =P last hour in Prague was actually spent hopping on and off the train to take pictures of nice stations....and diff lines had diff styles too. actually didn't have that much time either, and there were some disappointments too... but here are a handful i think are nice. =)

Namesti Miru and Namesti Republiky are my favorite ones...

Close up of Staromestka

Namesti Miru zoomed out

Nadrazi Holesovice

Muzeum (this isn't that nice, but just to show the variety...)

Pretty things and curious sights

was quite disappointed this morning cos didn't get into the photography class; but the thesis class in afternoon made me totally intimidated and stressed and in some sense it was a small consolation cos i realize i need to spend so much time on my research, esp given a class of seemingly very competent classmates.... sigh... one goal this sem is to try to read more widely and try to be less unknowledgeable... sigh. and right now life seems to be in a mini mess...
oh well. anyway, here's today's share of pictures. enjoy.

Pretty gate near Palais de Papes, Avignon

Lovely benches, Bratislava castle

ah. Time for a ham and cheese sandwich....

Candles in tinted jars, street stall in Ljubljana

no idea what this is; but they tried to sell it to me... (in a friendly way; unfortunately i didn't understand what they were trying to tell me) (Zagreb)

Beggar in streets, Prague

HEAPS of bread, supermarket in Bratislava

Flowers!

now for the non-tourist attraction pictures.... somehow the pics i hav below all show roses; i really don't fancy roses that much; it's just coincidental... (more to come next time! sorry i'm sounding as if ppl are keen to see my pics... =P)

a day at sch made me realize how much i'll miss this place after i graduate... and discovered that i could still undertand about 70% of what my sensei was talking about and felt really happy! but i have so much catching up to do. =( seems like watching anime did help a little though. and i hope i get into my Visual Studies 181... if so i will end up at the end of a semester with a mini portfolio of ("self-developed") black and white pictures... how cool is that =P

Rose potpourri (i think) in shop along street, Nice

Cute bunches of roses at flower market, Nice

Roses at flower market, Nice (actually the artificially-dyed ones are rather ugly...)

FAKE roses near market square, Zagreb. (ok i dun like fake flowers, but somehow they just 'popped out' at me when i was scaling the steps and so it was pleasantly surprising....)

Trip Highlights

La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona (Gaudi never managed to finish his project)

Park Guell (another of Gaudi's creations), Barcelona

Palais de Papes, Avignon, France

Beach at Nice, France

On the way up to Casino, Monaco

University of Ljubljana, Slovenia

Skofja Loka (oldest town in Slovenia but very picturesque)

unknown structure, Zagreb, Croatia

Statue on Charles Bridge, Prague, Czech Republic

Glimpse of the Danube River and bridge from the Bratislava Castle, Slovakia

Home!
am finally home and somewhat jetlagging and thus blogging at an unearthly 4.45 am. United's Europe flights always seems to have ice cream and better food than its Asia-Pacific flights and i wonder why that is the case. strangely enough, it really feels like coming home though this is not really 'home'... i realized that i took a whopping 600 or so pictures (many of which are lousy though) and it's certainly not possible to upload everything so will thematically upload some over the next few entries.

after spending a night in Bratislava, in a noisy and slightly scary dorm room with seven (or six; if i assume that zy was not guilty) snoring males, i was really relieved that the rest of my hostel stays were certainly nowhere near the somewhat unpleasant experience last night. not that it was REALLY unbearable, but just somewhat unpleasant =P the best (and best value for money, too) hostel was perhaps the one in Prague, which had a most comfortable bed... and an extremely warm and soft down comforter!!! tonight´s room is alright; but certainly not worth the 30 Euros i had to fork out... oh well. no choice; this was the only one i could find online. anyway, am flying back tmr afternoon! excited to start a new semester again, but extremely unprepared for school =P

i realized how easily misunderstandings can arise when ppl dun really speak their minds and how often guessing what's on other ppl's minds can be unexpectedly difficult and very misleading... how true can my Charles Dickens quote (above) be??
am into the last 3 days of my Europe trip; am now in a very cold and gloomy Prague; hopefully weather's sunnier tmr =) the best thing i've noticed about Prague thus far (after walking around for about 3 hours or so) are some of their metro stations-- some stations have really cool and stylish 'walls'/facades or whatever you call it.... mmm.. i am referring to the 'wall' opposite the platform. certain stations have really simple but very cool designs; not things like murals/ famous pieces of art and what not; but just simple tiles/patterns that look really good. with simple silver letters spelling out the names of the station.... hmm. difficult to describe here but will post pics when i get back =)
and last of all, a piece of good and unexpected news to share- i got admitted into my PEIS thesis class! overjoyed but will have lots to worry about in time to come... =P

i seriously seriously miss Chinese food. i hate bread but no choice else i will starve. missed train to Vienna and am in some random Slovenian city. spent the past 3 nights in Ljubjlana, Slovenia and took a train to Zagreb, Croatia, yesterday--it was another of my wandering-around-city alone thingies and i was actually really happy to be just roaming around with no agenda... the feeling of being lost in a crowd with no familiar faces around... it just felt really foreign cos i didnt even see a single Asian face around but i felt perfectly happy to be immersed in a totally diff culture... hai. but i am starting to miss Berkeley hehe.

embarked on mini adventure today and life is both terribly random and "exciting". hopped on 2-hr train to Geneva from Lyon, and it was rather therapeutic being alone on a train watching snow-covered landscape file past... mini nightmare came when i arrived to realize that last min-accommodation booked at Lyon is inaccessible via public transport and so have been wandering streets of Geneva lugging rolling duffel all around cos i refuse to pay 8 Swiss Francs for a locker... and in about 2 hours or so i shall hope very hard that i will manage to catch zy at train station, esp cos we didnt plan to meet there at all... now shall head back to train station and camp there for next couple of hours, with Swiss chocs i bought from the supermart to binge on... hmm what if no one turns up..... uh... guess the "fun" will begin then...

it's time to criticize myself instead; while some ppl HAVE to go to supermarkets; I never fail to slip into the Zaras and H&Ms whenever i spot them; i dun even buy stuff half the time but just can't resist myself from going in... and there was a sale at the Monaco Zara today! very rare. and i bought an impractical long coat =P sigh. it's good that i'm leaving land of outdoor carousels, tartlettes and baguettes for Central Europe tmr morning... no more Zaras for me (i think....)

am off to Cannes/Monaco today... just a very quick note on daily itineraries... the supermarket has been an attraction in every single city... the bigger the better.. cos higher chance of finding roast chicken. though i'm not exactly a supermart fan i have been highly influenced to be thrifty... but supermarts are however places to hunt down interesting french cookies for me =P i just hope i wun get sick of them soon... not to be evil; but am really amused how persistent companion is on finding cheap food when i'm undoubtedly the poorer person...

am in Nice but stuck with extremely slow connection and non-qwerty keyboard so feel very disabled... prob can't write a proper entry till like 2 or 3 days later...

i really had no clue how famous a team FC Barcelona was so when i said i didn´t want to pay 10 Euros to go into the stadium and museum think zy was a little shocked =P so instead decided to return to the Picasso museum as it was closed yesterday (New Year´s Day) but unfortunately it was closed today too cos they are closed on Mondays! aargh so very sad didn´t get to go in. but i chanced upon my KUKUSUMUSU store!! (where i bought my "stranger´s favorite" lil-monkeys- stack-up-to-kiss-giraffe-tee first summer in France) Consolation also came in the form of a free attraction that gave me breathtaking aerial views of the entire city... decided to just visit Park Guell (also by famous architect Antoni Gaudi) for a relaxing afternoon stroll and this totally random choice has turned out to be my favorite destination... Click here for pictures if you just want to have an idea of some of the highlights of the park.

just one last comment about Spanish dressing.... the most popular colors are undoubtedly black, brown; diff shades of olive/army green; deep orange and khaki... all very "earthy" colors... dunno perhaps cos it´s winter and coats generally dun come in other colors? but scarves also follow similar color tones... i was surprised that even many children dun wear very pastely or bright colors... i like how they dress... and the color combis... very cool. =P ya and so as a result i really couldn´t blend into the crowd lah. what with a light purple backpack and light blue skechers shoes... too ai4 yan3 le. and so high-sch kid-ish... haha. but i mean travelling mah.. cannot wear too nice things. get dirty or spoilt will xintong one... hmm.. i shall attempt a very gradual wardrobe revamp after this...

just spent most of the evening and night roaming the streets..... and i found two Zaras!!! within like few blocks of each other. unfortunately it´s not that cheap... but still cheaper. hehe and i bought one tiny thing just now... =P chanced upon this street with vendors selling really cute arty necklaces, earrings and bracelets... wanted to buy EVERYTHING... but obviously cannot. so just took pics... even though i´ve only spent like 3-4 hours or so walking around... can totally imagine this place being shopping paradise for ppl who can afford it... the poor me shall be contented with just a few cheap Zara steals... also look forward to seeing the famous architecture and museums in the day! am now waiting for bathroom to clear up and for travel companion to turn up... hope tmr wun be spent searching for a missing zy. j/k.

will be flying to Barcelona tmr afternoon and i'm reading reports of snowstorms and "wintry weather" on BBC. flights cancelled lah, snow everywhere... hmm. am actually trying to just bring one coat but now i have second thoughts. but nevermind lah; hope i can find cheap Zara in Barcelona! though i ought to refrain from getting any more long coats.... =(
long flight tmr; but it will give me plenty of time to figure out more camera functions; as I am really tempted to execute a particular plan of documenting someone's reaction to piece of news I am going to "break"... =P

Memoirs of a Geisha (spoiler alert; but not really also lah)

this movie certainly didn't do justice to the book; in fact it's rather disappointing. contrary to reviews i've read; i didn't think Zhang Ziyi was particularly impressive; Michelle Yeoh was ok.. and though i didn't think i would be bothered by the non-Japanese lead actresses....during the movie i did get somewhat irked by how un-Japanese Zhang Ziyi and Michelle Yeoh both looked...i mean not that it's their fault; but ya choice of cast is just like inappropriate. Gong Li can at least pass off a little in the movie... but if anything was good about the movie; it was probably Gong Li's performance... she was so good as the 'evil' Hatsumomo and i was quite impressed =P and there was some funny plot twist towards the end.. some American occupation of Japan or something that i didn't recall reading in the book and it was just so odd. but maybe my memory's just failing me. and last of all, i thought their accents were all really weird. it sounded a little like Japanese-accented English, but not really also. I read somewhere that they had to hire some linguistic expert to try to make the pan-Asian cast speak in a similar accent... what accent this is i really hav no clue... of course i am in no position to criticize their individual accents; but i mean for the purposes of the movie; it just didn't work out too well....
alright i'm complained enough about the movie =P i just had to complain how i didn't get my money's worth =P but nonetheless the beautiful kimono costumes were definitely eye candy for me =)

felt somewhat discouraged yesterday afternoon after spending the whole afternoon in vain trying to write prospectus.... but after giving it some thought last night and complaining about it to someone, i feel newly inspired! i shall try really hard this couple of days and make sure i churn out something before i leave for Europe on Friday. nevermind if it's not good enough; i have to try to make sure that i get admitted into the class at the very least.... and shall reward myself with Memoirs of a Geisha if i manage to finish it by midday tmr. i had better.... now for a nerdy afternoon of work!

feel somewhat xintong that i might have done something bad to my car by bringing it on the road trip and causing a mini glitch near the end... but at least that's repairable... am so thankful that nothing REALLY BAD happened... will however be pretty reluctant to drive own car for road trips again =P

much as i like to get upset sometimes over my lack of many friends, i however feel really fortunate that i happen to know some really wonderful and decent individuals.

it really feels very comfortable road-tripping with 'old frens'; and once again i got verbally abused by the two guys, for various reasons. well i guess it wasn't totally unreasonble to be picked on those things that i was picked on for, but i'm totally defenceless when these two join forces. i get mad; but it's a kind of will-forget-about-it-after-15min kind of mad; cos i wonder when we would ever do road trips again; or just be all together in the same place again; considering how each of us would prob be doing his/her own thing after we graduate...

these past two days i was also reminded of various things i ought to bear in mind; particular areas i'm so inadequate in and certainly should seek to make improvements to; how weak-willed i am; how when it comes to academic learning i almost always experience some kind of memory loss; how i'm so inferior in so many many aspects. and i'm also reminded of how i am really nowhere near what i might want to do in the distant future; nor am making any real effort to move towards that direction... also dun exactly know how being aware of these will really help. but hopefully i'll feel lousy enough to work on these problem areas and make the most of my last sem.

PS: i can finally eat normal food! and face is no longer very bloated =P but i have patches of blue black on both sides of my jawline.....

will be driving my Honda down to LA tonight (poor car...) and will be spending Christmas in San Diego... doubt will be able to blog till i come back from this roadtrip; so Merry Christmas to all my dear friends =) i'll return on the 26th.

Thanks to Netflix, i managed to watch Promises from the comforts of my bed; without even going to the video store to rent the dvd... i know Netflix has been around for some time, but i've never really bothered signing up....no time to watch videos during semester! but last week i was both free and boliao after finals and so decided to sign up for the 2-week trial subscription and be cheapo and watch say 3 or 4 shows i've always wanted to watch, for free... =P
the children in the documentary left a really deep impression; though they are only 11-13, they seem to be pretty mature for their age... and hold pretty individualistic views on the Israel-Palestinian conflict... but it's rather saddening too how because of this conflict many also hold grudges against children from 'the other side'. whom they might not have even met before...

i think i look like a hippo today. sumei says i look 'cute'; like those actors/actresses who intentionally put on weight for their roles.. sigh. how flattering =P but whatever lah; decided i had to run errands and couldn't hide in house forever so i went out. =P

so even though i can't really eat solid foods; diet hasn't really been compromised. if anything, i'm afraid i might have packed on more calories.... i made a blueberry smoothie for dinner yest; finished more than half a pint of Haagen Dazs this afternoon... ate two Yoplait yogurt whips within these two days- choc mousse and lemon meringue; and nibbled on two blueberry muffins i made this afternoon... in between i did have porridge twice but i think i ate far more unhealthy stuff! bad Shi Min. i had better be careful those swollen cheeks dun become permanent ones by the time real swelling has subsided.

AARGH. i look like a total goldfish/hamster that likes to tuck food in its cheek pockets now!!!! totally disfigured and mei2 lian3 jian4 ren2 now... sob. =( and cheeks are so swelled up i can hardly move my mouth. good news is though that bleeding is starting to stop...

i'm actually not as goldfish-faced as i expected myself to be (so i'm relieved) but there's still some swelling (which hopefully wun get worse over next few days...). So the whole surgery was actually surprisingly short; in slightly less than an hour all my 4 wisdom teeth were taken out. it's actually not as painful as i thought it might be lah, but it was still a pretty nasty experience. i HATED the grinding sounds... and unfortunately, as "she has a tiny mouth" the oral surgeon had some problems reaching in.... dun think my mouth is that small but perhaps it's not too 'stretchable' and i can't open it very wide... =P other than that i think it went fine.
am just feeling =( cos wounds refuse to stop bleeding and jaw feels really kinda sore and weak from biting on gauze all day. and of course, got mini 'scolding' from mum upon hearing that i took all 4 out... and should have known better than to have told her that wounds have been bleeding ever since the extraction... oh well. in the end i decided on the spot that i'd rather listen to the doctor (and NEVER have to go through this again) than to listen to mum... =P i hope it wun turn out to be a bad decision....

i'm scared.... IT will take place in about 2 hours. i think the reason i'm getting so nervous is cos i keep thinking about how the surgeon will go about extracting it. cos the tooth is under the gum and i keep wondering how they will cut up the gum to yank the cosily-lodged tooth out.... and it conjures up some random horrifying images in my mind.... pain shouldn't be that bad; i just can't take the "goriness"... Dentists ought to have TVs in the surgery room; or other wildly distracting things to distract patients with vivid imaginations from inducing undue fear in themselves......

though i have a stiff neck; and ache all over right now, i'm so thankful everything's over... shall postpone all the worrying till next week. but another big 'worry' is gonna come up in a day-- am going to take out my wisdom teeth on Saturday! aargh. now i have ONE day to eat whatever i want before being 'reduced' to a semi-liquid diet on Saturday.... mum has been telling me to just take two out at a go... was also regularly warned how dreadful and horrifying taking all 4 out might be...to much amusement. hmmm maybe i'll just take 2 out... cos i fear the pain but above all i'm also vain and greedy and wun want to hav a swollen face and to have go hungry over this festive season.....

am rather upset that i'm about to turn in a crappy history paper, esp cos i really enjoyed this class and cos i really invested so much time into all the readings. and i'm so gonna screw up both my econ finals and i only have myself to blame. =(

i hate myself for always doing things that will screw up my finals during the finals period... and i hate how there's never allowance for 'emotional regulation'.... life goes on, whether you are upset, sick, unlucky or not. stop and cry and risk getting a double, or even triple, whammy.

i turned all rabbit-ish since last evening, almost devouring the whole packet of baby carrots (which i normally wouldn't even finish in a week) within one day... the reason being that i decided to copy my Thanksgiving hosts by making myself some fresh ranch dip using sour cream and the dip mix.... and it turned out to be quite addictive so even though i dun usually have any particular affinity for RAW carrots, i quickly depleted my supply of carrots.... haha. well at least they aren't chips this time round. (though i hav to admit the dip isn't exactly very healthy =P)

while on the issue of animals (somewhat) i had a close encounter with a squirrel today! was eating a sandwich outside Gianini before my review session when a squirrel came into close proximity (eyeing my food i guess).... and so i pinched a piece of bread and held it out, staying as still as possible.... and waited for a min or so (in attempt to convince it i wasn't an evil person) and it actually came forward and picked the bread out of my hand! so cute... but haha i guess squirrels dun like turkey and cheese so it sniffed at it for a lil while before discarding its 'find' and bouncing away....

finally up after a long sweet slumber and sleeping never felt so good... haha. =P well so everything's turned in but certainly somewhat "substandard".... ended up with only 16/17 pgs or so of prospectus; wonder if prof would take that as sign of incompetence or sloppiness? but of course i myself also realize that it certainly wasn't a very well put-together one... and seriously..... i don' t think he'll even get a good sense of what i intend to do... i'll be rather surprised if i get in. but whatever lah, i will toss it out of my head for time being =P while i really do like writing, it now pains me that i have yet another 10 pgs of a history paper to turn in next week.... tog with finals, of course; but after next Thurs, i'll be DONE! =)

decided since i'm gonna embark on paper-writing marathon from about now till 4pm tmr... what's 200 words or so about a random blog-worthy incident this morning? =P

today's the last day of class... was in 142 lect when a fair-skinned jap/korean-looking lady stepped in and started shooting Ken Chay lecturing, with her digicam... didn't even notice her till KC announced, "oh, that's my wife".... then for like 1 min or so after he seemed a little nervous and couldn't really continue lecturing (with her standing there silently taking his pics....) haha. thought quite sweet though like quite weird too... well she left after 3 min or so but it was funny witnessing KC's "weak moment" after getting so used to him being always all-confident.... he's one lecturer who doesn't even get the least bit uneasy when bad-mouthing some of the most accomplished individuals around (good-humoredly, of course)

i think it takes some skill to be a good GSI and my 142 GSI is pretty cool-- cos he really tries to be 'fair' to be everyone.. he ensures that everyone who turns up gets to ask his/her question and lets ppl take turns... and what made me pretty impressed was that he could read my cues.. like he could tell when i didn't seem to understand and then double-checked to make sure i did... =P (not just this time round; at previous office hours too...) oh well, unless whenever i am confused it's so obvious that he picks it up straight away? haha. alright, back to studying for midterm in evening.

it really struck me today, after listening to a presentation on online advertising in China (touted as the next big market blah blah) that the way a presenter chooses to present the material to his/her audience can really skew the "receiver's" consequent view of a particular issue.... ( i doubt she did it intentionally but it somehow turned out that way in my opinion) esp for an unsuspecting person, and esp if he/she happens to possess no prior knowledge of whatever he/she's are told... i'm not claiming i know a lot about China though, nor that i'm critical about everything i'm told (on the contrary, there are plenty of instances of my gullibility, i have to admit....) sigh i guess i can't blame ppl wanting to invest to target big cities... maybe i get a little worked up whenever ppl seem to neglect the fact that the urban population makes up less than half of China's population.... just reminded me of how one can be made so "powerless" by being unknowledgeable and uninformed...

the rest of the week will be very rough cos things erm arent going that well... shall try to ban myself from blogging too... hopefully =P

i got home this evening to find christmas lights hanging outside the house. heard the bells hanging on the other side of the door upon entering, and found an undecorated christmas tree and a crackling fire at the fireplace in the living room.... and a whole bunch of ppl having dinner. the house had such a cosy and festive atmosphere.... a refreshing change from the probably si3 qi4 chen2 chen2 house i would prob return to if i were living with fellow Berk students stressing out over finals.... yet i felt oddly 'alone'... i dunno. somehow the house being so cosy and decked up for Christmas suddenly exacerbated such a feeling... not that i was made unhappy or anything, just really aware of them being a family and me being just me...

and i will be terribly terribly busy next week, with 4 things due and a midterm in the last week of class... and extremely worried.

if heaven were a single most treasured memory you'll relive for eternity, what would you choose? just watched this japanese film, afterlife, and was very drawn by this really kinda bizarre but interesting idea (i chanced upon it at the East Asian library when doing research and couldn't resist borrowing it... =P)

but what if I want to choose a "memory" I don't even have?

Sebastiao Salgado's pictures

This picture above comes with the following caption: The children must be weighed and measured in order to adjust their rations. In a nutritional center, Gourma Rarhous, Mali, 1985.


i really cannot prioritize =P am reading about this Brazilian economist-turned-photographer for our Chinese class tmr and got sent his website by our prof... and i couldn't help blogging about it... He takes such hauntingly beautiful but depressing pictures. Check out his other pictures

sad to say, i think i've reached the point in the semester whereby interest in every subject is starting to wane and i just want to get over everything... am looking forward to my holiday... bout 17 more days... unfortunately there are so many things due from now till next Fri!! aargh and a 142 midterm next Wed! sigh i fear the worst for my GPA.

a series of unfortunate incidents

just when i got up early enough to drive down to Honda for an oil change, i see a sign "open tues-saturdays" upon pulling up at the service window... (when its normal service reception opens on Mondays too) Yesterday, when deciding to reread the history response paper i turned in on Monday night, i discovered to my HORROR that it was nowhere to be found and the file i saved it under turned out to be an incomplete (2 out of 4 pgs!) file... and that i actually sent my GSI that incomplete file... really dunno what happened cos i distinctly remembered saving the final copy... so had to rewrite bits of it to turn it in again and prob will suffer some penalty from turning it in late now. =( aargh. and my wisdom tooth also chose the best moment to start aching... and i might have to extract all 4 of them before finals, esp if the evil one tooth continues to give me trouble. why why why...
ok the first i only hav myself to blame; cos i checked the opening hours some time ago and didn't recall them taking Mondays off and so didn't bother double checking again before driving up. and it's not a big thing lah-- it isn't that far. second incident... i dunno why i was so careless... i REALLY did save it.. why screwed up on me i have no clue =( and i'm upset cos i really spent so time on it to make it good...hmm as for my tooth, perhaps all the crap and sweet stuff i ate over Thanksgiving weekend made it overworked so it's now complaining and punishing me... sigh whatever. i need those cute chocolate band aids they sell at Fisherman's wharf for life's "boo boos"....

hmmm. dun really know where to start but that Courtney's family was really kind and hospitable and despite being a first-time visitor, i really felt comfortable and at-home =) Disneyland was fun, shopping today was enjoyable (when is shopping ever a horrible let-down =P) but baffling as it might sound, my favorite day was the first day, spent at home most of the time, baking, having dinner and just chilling out... having a pseudo-family for a day... =P nevermind how many calories i put on these past 3 days.... i shall (hopefully) shed everything over the next 3 weeks or so stressing out. it was a minor tragedy though that the careless me brought the faulty converter for my camera battery charger and batt went flat on first day... so... anyhow, still hav a few pics to share!

our grand creation

front and back of our gingerbread house! the gingerbread house kit from target was initially for Courtney and I to 'play' with, but we ended up getting almost the whole family involved! it was extremely funny how when the Dad decided to make his small contribution, he unfortunately 'tore down' the whole house and got a mini scolding for it...everything was fine in the end though. it's supposed to contain a total of 53 servings of 120 calories each... but considering how we added all the additional m&ms, marshmallows and what not. i shall not even venture a guess =P anyway, it's not meant to be eaten...though i totally had the intention to do so before we started...
yes, it's me with a stroller again... but with a most unusual passenger-- it's a cat stroller! i''ve never seen any family that loves cats this much... out of the 4 cats in the house, 1 was extremely affectionate and friendly, 2 were moderately afraid and the white furry/fluffy one (and most comical-looking too, cos its face made him look as if he were perpetually in shock or something) was extremely wary of me... so ya, didn't get to hug him even though he looked the most cuddly.

hmm what else? guess shopping today (esp during the holiday seasons when there are so many nice things to buy) just made me realize that even though getting rich definitely isn't one of the big priorities in my life, money can make buy you so many lovely things and when i saw things i really liked, i did wish i were rich =P while not all expensive things are good/chio...(in fact, some can be extremely ugly) it also happens to be true that chio things are often expensive... but ya, i guess even if i did become really rich, i still cannot bear to be too extravagant...

today i baked..... a french apple tart, choc chip cookies and decorated a gingerbread house... had a rich but delicious dinner and strawberry jello cream cheese dessert.... AND... am gonna have a piece of tart and pumpkin pie and ice cream for dessert in a while.... how many calories!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

this shall be my first (but also last) truly American Thanksgiving here, cos i'm gonna head down to LA tmr morning to stay with my UCDC roommate (and her family... and her cats!) till Saturday =) and am going to go to Disneyland for the first time ever (so suaku right haha) and of course, will get to see Courtney again. kinda miss her actually, though i'm also reminded of the occasional 'harrassment' i received throughout the semester... =P sigh, it's actually a break i can ill afford, but perhaps really do deserve and really need. i shall toss away everything's that bothering me for 3 days... hopefully.

though i've tried quite hard this sem to not get upset too easily, i sometimes feel like my self-comforting mechanism gets overused... and breaks down from time to time. and sometimes at the most untimely moments, too. yet i prob only have myself to blame that i also wun want to cry on any available shoulder kind souls might be willing to offer...

"You visit illegal websites"

sitting in VLSB and just finished most of my history response paper. and just got this seemingly intimidating email with the above title. it's obviously some kinda virus email, but perhaps i'm exceptionally wacky after 2.5 hrs of writing or so and decided to look more closely at this virus email...
ok so the sender is "Department@fbi.gov" and so just these two bits of info made me 10% scared when i first got it. but as i thought a little more about it, it seems almost laughable that they think their recipients would fall for their ploy. Firstly, if i really committed some crime visiting "more than 30 illegal websites" why would FBI care about such petty crimes and why would i be so 'easily let off' by answering the questionnaire they attached with the email? Secondly, Department@fbi.gov actually makes little sense.... so vague, so many depts... highly unlikely that any or every dept's gonna give a damn (i dun usually use such phrases, but just for the sake of flow for this sentence =P) whether you surf illegal websites? What's interesting though is that they included a Washington DC address and phone number... i wonder how authentic that is. but aiyah what i mean to say is that if you invest so much energy creating some lethal virus, at least invest more time in making it sound authentic right? else waste so much energy and no one gets the virus cos it seems like a horrible joke....

alright i'm officially bo liao. i should take a break and go for lunch..... =P

i just spent most of the weekend trying to learn about 2 decades of Chinese history in order to piece together yet another history response paper... though eyes feel extremely strained, i feel extremely happy and def less ignorant about 2 of the most interesting decades in twentieth-century China... and if anything, it also made me realize the havoc bad government policies can wreak... though consequences were mostly unintended. and i dunno, i think i really have a 'soft spot' for good English... i also liked the book partially because the writer writes really well... =P hopefully one day i can unabashedly say that about myself...
i'm really spending a disproportionate amount of time on my history class... but i also feel like in history i learn a lot more on my own. these days lectures have somehwhat deteriorated into watching documentaries in class and everything i've learnt recently about the Mao era i picked up from the readings assigned... whereas for things like Econ, i really do learn most of the stuff in class; somehow i cannot imagine myself spending hours and hours reading up on free trade agreements etc haha. i dunno, for history i really process a lot of things on my own whereas for Econ it's more passive; i'm told a lot of things but haven't spent that much time thinking over deeper stuff on my own.... i'm such a bad Econ student =P

my previous post led me to think randomly about religion; it seems like ppl who are religious set the percentage for 'fate' (or in this case, their faith?) at a pretty high level? not to be offensive to anyone, but i just don't see how one can live thinking your whole live is planned out by some 'higher being'... well maybe i have some fundamental misconception about religions cos i don't really care much for it at this point and consequently never bothered to really delve into it; but you know, it really beats me how some ppl can be SO religious.... it becomes kinda freaky.

on the other hand, even though i believe that perhaps 5-10% of stuff you attribute to fate, isn't it so sad that you just can't change that 5-10% of the things you wish you could change and you're just powerless to influence... but i guess it's a really bad idea to get really sore and upset over that 5% of stuff though it's so tempting to. such is life. =( and then there are things lurking out there, out of that 5-10% that you don't know exist that will one day turn your life upside down... and cos we don't constantly think about that we think it doesn't exist.... alright, i'm getting carried away.

just wrote a paper analysing this Chinese film in which fate seemed to be the ultimate determinant of one's lot... and argued for it so much that i suddenly am led to believe that it really is true. some things just aren't fated to be.... and no matter how well things are going, everything can just disappear overnight. well but of course we should prob attribute say a 5% chance to fate. but always bearing in mind the small possibility... and i guess it's also good to designate say 20-25% to variation of innate characteristics/abilities across individuals... then remaining 70% or so bear in mind we have the ability to change... if the former two percentages are too high it's probably rather tempting to grow lazy or gradually lose control of our lives/lose motivation...

actually feel quite lost and tired and am freaking out as propspectus deadline draws near. but will try hard not to give up... sigh it's not like i haven't been working on it; i think i have been counting too much on what resources other ppl can provide me with; or reading papers with studies too complex for me to undertake and really not spending a lot of time on thinking over what I can undertake nor spending enough time thus far to hunt for data available for that purpose. sigh. i really am not very good at this...

hmm on a lighter note, i finally have enough miles to redeem a flight to Europe! and encountered the most amusing Mileage Plus representative ever; esp when he ended the conversation with something like this "we're open 24 hours; we don't sleep you know, faster that way" or something in his thick Hong Kong accent (or something similar), i really felt like cracking up but had to suppress laughter cos it was obviously quite rude... and he really tried to be as helpful as possible.... i really have nothing against ppl with Hong Kong accents, nor do i want to intentionally ridicule ppl with HK accents, but cos usually these reps speak with either Indian or American accents it was just kinda funny cos i felt like i was talking to some elderly, fatherly Asian person... and at times he did seem to display such mannerisms too... like gently reminding me what i ought to do, what i ought not to do... and getting 'audibly' irritated that i didn't seem to understand certain letters he tried to pronounce when giving me the reservation code( i really tried... and was quite embarrassed too that i took a long time to get F for France.. i kept saying... S for Swank? till he was F for France, F for Friend! etc etc.... bleah)

ps: actually i'm to blame too lah. my brain prob wasn't working properly... who thinks of S for swank?!! =P

am confronted by numerous deadlines and readings this week and i'm not in good shape... it seems to always be the case that when i have the most work i am also not in the most studious of moods...
nor the most awake of persons ha. (if there's such a phrase) but despite being not very on task, i feel extremely human.

the little fella turns 4

it's a challenge to get kids to keep still and so i can never get a good picture of Kai... and so the usually handsome him turned a little double-chinned jumping up and down in this picture... anyway, i got him the Cal hoodie he's wearing! =P

i did a lot less work this weekend than what i had planned to thus far... but an evening out with good company and a night wasted online yesterday made me really happy... if only everyday were like that... sigh, i seriously have self-control problems.

2nd babysitting experience today....

Shi Min: hey you want to go out for a stroll?
Kai: yeah.... i need exercise...... let's take the stroller!
Shi Min: (in questioning tone) the stroller..?! can't you walk?
Kai: nah.... (hmm whatever happened to acknowledgment that he should exercise...)
and so it ends up that the guy who wanted to 'exercise' sits comfortably in stroller i spent ages trying to open, while Shi Min wheels him around neighborhood for a while, at times giving in to his whims (eg. hey let's go fast down this ramp!) and naturally, ends up getting ALL the exercise... even though at times he tried to trick me into going to get candy (hey... why don't we go to the gas station?) certain things he says are just so cute it's just so funny =P

somehow, while watching pride and prejudice today, i also couldn't help noticing all the high-waist long dresses the girls were wearing, esp those Keira was wearing... they actually look kinda plain, but at times they really do look just so simple and elegant... then bunch up hair with tiny white pearls in head... aaah so sweet. hmm but of course you hav to hav the right figure, the right looks etc etc..... else might turn out looking er.. rather odd i guess. =P

though i foresee a weekend of work ahead, little treats shall serve to motivate me. shall try to catch the new Pride and Prejudice starring Keira Knightley (who looks so charming in the movie poster...) and cos it was one of my favorite Jane Austen novels... ya lah. back then i really bought into the Mr Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet romance, though i dunno what i think now. i'm prob very cynical haha. anyway shall try to reread it one day.
and i'm gonna try two new restaurants over long weekend. and i just made myself very happy by redeeming my $25 Amazon certificate 1 hr ago. and just received an email from an elated sis (because she got selected by NIE to be a primary sch Chinese teacher) and i really do share her joy...

guess trying to delight in such simple pleasures can make me a happier person...

Nerdy unhealthy Shi Min (eww. sounds gross haha)

ha so i've been accused of being nerdy. ya, i'm kinda nerdy these days. and i have to be, really, else i will prob accomplish nothing and graduate with no honors at all... and.... the scary thing is... i kinda enjoy being nerdy! i feel happy when profs email me back, telling me to go for their office hours. ha. well... i think it's tiring though. i'll be SO happy when i'm done writing my prospectus.... then i will have to hope very very hard that it gets accepted. in the meantime, it's still more reading and narrowing down of topic...

decided to be healthy and turned up for this "Abs and Back" class at the RSF today =P and it really lives up to its name...the baffling thing is everyone else seems to be able to do all the exercises with relative ease... and i seriously think that ppl who go for these classes really exercise regularly and so it's not surprising that they can keep up with the routine... and they prob do so to look good rather than to lose weight or something, cos almost everyone was slim and toned! felt so embarrassed haha. i'm prob one of the few i-feel-flabby-today-so-i-shall-do-25 min-of-exercise-today type there. nmind good thing i didn't know anyone there. though somewhat strenuous for me, it was kinda fun actually cos the instructor's this big black guy and he comes around 'intimidating' you (in good humor) when you don't seem to be pushing yourself hard enough.

i just sat in an interesting book discussion, well worth the 30 min or so spent trying to find a parking lot near campus in the rain and another 3 min or so of humiliation and extreme guilt when i finally discovered a spot and then did an illegal turn to secure my spot (holding up traffic for like 2 min or so cos visibility was low and i suck at parallel parking.....)

so. anyway, i thought Jung Chang was an interesting character... and somehow Westernized Asian ladies are especially unpredictable (as in you can never really tell from their looks if they are totally Americanized/"Britainized???" (Since JC lives in London) or still fobbish or in between, just like how i mistook my History Prof for some housewifish figure in my first lecture). hmm ok i've digressed again. back to JC. anyway, when she first stepped in she reminded me of a Chinese version of a local female politician, with her straight, waist-length tresses...ha. the most interesting parts, for me, was how despite moderator Orville Schell's attempts to tease out something new and perhaps more neutral from the authors, I don't think I recall any occasion where they deviated from the argument they made in the book... even when JC was forced to acknowledge that women won more rights under Mao's regime, she had to add that that's cos the ultimate aim was to make them available as laborers... there was also some obvious tension towards the end after the Q&A session started.... and i thought one of Jung Chang's responses really dented her credibility.... i think at some point she really tried to defend her book, and almost insisted that what she presents in the book is "the truth" and that she felt obliged to present the "truth" to the people...just as what the moderator tried to hint at, if her documents are really as authentic as she claims they are, and that all of them lead to the conclusion she and her husband eventually arrives at, perhaps there's no need for them to reiterate the point over and over again? hmm i mean i'm sure not everything in the book is fabricated... but i thought it seemed pretty clear that she has personal grudges against this man...

just spent a good 2 hrs preparing dinner and trying out a new baked salmon recipe =P also ended up having so much (rich) food to myself that my landlady couldn't help remarking, "you're having quite a gourmet dinner there.... is it your birthday or something?" haha. that's prob cos i dun usually cook very fancy stuff and can easily whip up something (i myself find) edible in 30 min or so... =P i've been pretty adventurous with my meals the past few days... really want to make chawan mushi one day... unfortunately fancy home-cooked dinners take up time and money... =(

Jung Chang and Jon Halliday, authors of a new biography on Mao, will be at Berkeley tmr evening! (ok dun think it's that NEW; it's new in the sense that it only hit the stores in the US prob a couple of weeks ago) Here are the details, if anyone's interested. think the name 'Jung Chang' should be pretty familiar to many ppl, cos she's the author of Wild Swans (a novel that was pretty popular about 7 yrs ago and which seemed like a must-read novel for many RGS girls then... it was on my reading list some time ago too but cos it was like four five hundred pages long i never got down to reading it... =P) anyway this new biography is apparently very controversial, for painting (according to critics) an overwhelmingly negative picture of Mao... the general take was that it's well-researched, yet it's such a shame that the authors (once again, according to 3 reviews i came across) seemed only bent on using all these documents to convince their readers that Mao was 100% megalomaniac, discounting whatever notable achievements he did also make... doubt i'll hav time to read it myself, but anyhow, it should be interesting to sit in the session tmr. =)

i turned a 3-hr "Ma-Ri-A!" this evening when my landlady and landlord decided they needed to talk and so went out on a "date"... wah, shouldn't' it be the other way round?! haha no lah. i'm too unhappening. and they wanted to get a surprise birthday present for Kai...
so i watched this funny kids video and a sled dog movie, which i actually quite enjoyed ha. but what i found funny was that in both videos, there was some 'side-kick' character... speaking in some funny Indian accent... aiyoh. wonder if that was intentional or something or am i just too sensitive... hmm i feel like these days i hang out with kids more than i do with adults... and you realize they aren't just 'kids'.... every single one of them has his own character... and autistic kids are especially interesting to work with (though i really haven't had that many chances to work with them)
yesterday i did a home visit with a kid tutors have described as hyperactive and more 'violent' but surprisingly i found him pretty mellow and sweet. and whenever he wanted something, though he doesn't know how to tell me, he just picks up my hand and puts it on whatever he wanted to get... and then think his toe was itchy or something... then he just led my hand to his little foot and wanted me to squeeze it or something... u know sometimes i think nonverbal cues can express so much more than words...yet it frequently gets 'overshadowed' by 'loud' and attention-grabbing vocalizations... only after observing and working with autistic kids was i reminded of the power of body language... at this stage, i think i'm totally over this "oh kids are so cute" phase... if anything, i've learnt that they can be rather bratty and annoying if they really want to be. but it's their frankness, innocence and lack-of-fakeness that draws me to them... dunno.. ok this sounds a little strange but consequently they are just easier 'humans' to deal with sometimes...

i found it really coincidental that one day after i decide to change topics, an article highly relevant to my new topic appears in the NY Times... =) printed like at least 6/7 papers to read, and 2 of them seem somewhat dubious and crappy but i can't tell if it's cos i dun understand what they are trying to do, or are they really kinda crappy? sigh anyway hav to go revise my 171 stuff in order to make better assessments of all these things. and so i'm going to have a nerdy weekend.... =P

and it's starting to get cold... and heater's not on except for like 15 min in the mornings... i'm so tempted to get a down comforter to snuggle under... well not like my bed isn't comfortable enough.... but it's even better to have a comfortable AND warm bed right. =P but they are ex. =(

a morning at the Center for Chinese Studies Library made me pretty convinced that it's probably impossible for me to get hold of any statistics on unrests and things of that nature from official statistical yearbooks... and i prob have to switch topics.... there seems to be data however on rural and urban stuff and i foresee myself doing something on rising income inequality in China instead... prob focusing on the hukou system that dates all the way back to the decade after the founding of the People's Republic in 1949. sigh. but that's still pretty vague and i'm starting to read up on a totally new topic. luckily it seems pretty interesting, and more econ-ish, less poli-sciencish. i now officially have 1 month to the deadline for turning in my 20-30 pg thesis prospectus... and given that everyone has abandoned me (my fault!) and that i prob irritated half the profs i tried to get help from for being so vague..... i'm really left on my own =( but somehow, my new topic seems more tangible than the one i was stuck with the past couple of months or so... so hopefully that's a good sign? and hopefully a sense of impending doom and failure would pressure me to be super disciplined =P

Happy Halloween

hmmm. ok a quick post then i'll have to get out of the house before all the trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood all come knocking on my door =P just gave some cookies away, but then shall be left speechless when i'm left with no treats for these enthu kids...
baked cookies for Halloween yest cos 1) saw these really cute orange and brown choc chips and 2) decided that I had enough of work for a while.... =P hmm.. still have things to say but sadly i really need to get out of the house for a few hours..... will continue later.

CONT'D

so i wanted to give some credit to Kai for trying very hard to be useful while i was baking. while at times i got really exasperated, (cos he's really not the most obedient kid...) he also got me into quite a few laughing fits... so when i told him to pour the brown sugar into the bowl, he wasn't very successful cos the brown sugar was kinda clumped tog. so i wanted to make a bigger opening to make it easier for him to pour. but he wanted to do it. so ok let him do.... then just like how sometimes when we try to open packets of titbit with a little too much force and prob 2/3 of the contents end up on the ground, the sugar packet kinda 'exploded' in his face and he ended up with a lot of brown sugar in his face and shirt... on the table.. on the floor... but he was so nonchalant about it and then proceeded to scoop up all the sugar, with all the dust and what not on the table back into the bowl.... at this point i had no idea how much sugar we had in our mixture already but was just like heck lah.. whatever =P then he wanted to crack the egg... ok so let him crack. but he practically crushed the whole egg, tried very hard to get its contents out later, then at the end of it all, absent-mindedly thrust all the eggshell into the bowl of batter.... dunno.. i just couldn't stop myself from laughing he prob thought i was a bit kuku. well, anyway, with a little salvaging, everything still turned out fine in the end, with Kai and I (and even my landlady) "pigging out" on bits of the delicious uncooked batter.. and yes, so ends my slightly traumatising but pretty erm... refreshing experience of baking with Kai.

Dinosaur Mugshot

Height: abt Shi Min's handspan
Weight: abt 80 grams?
Age: unknown
Crime: Scared Shi Min twice by lying in her path on the night of 10/28/05, by resembling a giant lizard
hahaha. poor thing. it's innocent lah. imagine committing a crime just cos you look scary, or cos someone is just blur...

Giant lizard hallucinations

i got scared out of my wits TWICE yesterday night, by mistaking Kai's inanimate brown dinosaur toy lying in my path on the bathroom floor for a giant lizard each time i entered the bathroom. it was extremely silly (the 2nd time, especially) but perhaps pretty telling about my mental state last night. was rather panicky cos was frantically trying to do the readings required for writing my paper... hopefully i can emerge happily from a week of work tonight...

when i first saw my grade for my Chinese paper (written in English) my first instinct was that my prof was being really harsh and that i probably really didn't deserve that grade... and i even asked how the class fared... and later tried to justify my grade with the knowledge that even with 4 grad students in the class there was only one A-.... shifting blame to him... but on hindsight, after going for office hours to talk about it, i concede that i really didn't do a good job. yes, he might be a little strict, but not unreasonable... and after reviewing some errors i made, i figured i really did write a mediocre paper... which reminds me how it's so easy/tempting to grow complacent if one receives good grades consistently... there's always room for improvement but we don't always consistently progress in that direction, whatever the reason might be... and so my next challenge is to try to get an A from him (instead of secretly cursing how evil and harsh he is; in fact, on the contrary, he's actually a very approachable and friendly prof)
also didn't do too well for history midterm.. i almost failed my IDs!! haha. i just am rather bad at giving these nitty gritty details. and so i have to work extra hard to churn out a good response paper on Saturday. seriously i'm so tired from doing work all week... but sigh. just two more days and i can finally rest on Sunday. it helps though that we are starting to read texts on Mao Zedong, which i find really interesting. =)

after turning in my prob set and reading through my notes i feel like at least i kinda understand my 142 class material... only that i prob wun ace my exams. it's actually pretty cool stuff, just not really my cup of tea. can't decide if i should change it to p/np though. let's see how my MT goes on thurs. and decided to drop in at KC's office finally to ask some questions... i went in at 420 and before i knew it it was like 530 and i think i learnt the answers to 2 econometrics questions, along with what hormone replacement therapy is, how to deal with ppl who just BS, how sharp KC's doctor has to be given that he knows all these stats about all these health studies etc....and when i checked my watch and got a shock how he actually went on for like an hour, think he noticed my expression and coudln't help laughing at himself either... and so i happily trotted down to MLK building at around 540, thinking that i prob shouldnt' be too late for the talk on poverty by Senator John Edwards (doors open at 530), only to be greeted by this snaking line that reached right up to the Dwinelle courtyard... but still managed to get in =)

hmm. actually i'm so tempted to share some really funny things KC said in class today... but i guess i shouldn't. my turn to practise self-control. anyway, this is random, but a couple of days ago, while reading things related to still-up-in-the-air thesis, i came across a blog with a pictorial summary of some of the issues i care about.... and such injustice probably isn't an isolated example. actually, it's prob not just limited to China, either...

for the very first time, before getting into bed himself, Kai ran to my door and said precociously, "Go get into bed!". aww.

i think i'll go mad soon. spent half of yest and half of today trying to figure out my econometrics prob set 2 rather unsuccessfully. 142 shall be the BANE of my already low econ GPA... and i'm past the point of no return (cannot change to P/NP anymore!!!) can't believe i took a fatal class that i dun even need just cos prof says amusing random things in class.... aaarrgh. but still maintain that KC is a good teacher and have to admit i have been neglecting class material the past few weeks...

can feel that i'm finally getting better and so feel really thankful =P but it also means that i'm gonna start binging again cos the precious eat-too-much-will-feel-uncomfortable feeling is starting to subside.... sometimes i wish the stomach wasn't expandable; that way when you finish your proper meals then it says... uh-oh... i'm full. then i can't eat anything else. haha. but then if that really happens i'll complain why stomach so rigid, dun give me space for dessert... =P
was really excited when Telebears started on Tues cos i thought i could sign up for this digital animation art class... unfortunately i misread the prerequisites... and i only fulfilled 1 out of 3. =( but i signed up for Visual Studies 181, which is Introduction to Photography.... unfortunately that gives priority to students from College of Environmental Design so i might not get it in the end either.... ASUC art studio actually offers a class on Digitial Video come this Oct 26, but it's like 100 something bucks for think 5 lessons! too poor to afford it. must save up to travel this Winter =P

so i've kinda been conditioned to daily after-meal bloatedness and weird grumbling noises and i can't even bear to think about what's going on inside. just hope everything will be ok again soon. and was also thinking that i now perhaps have an inkling of what many hunger-stricken African kids are going through... only perhaps ten times worse. my mild bloating and other unpleasant symptoms have already caused me a lot of discomfort; i can now totally imagine how awful it must be to have stomach viruses in your tummy all the time. it's not like i haven't seen pics of starving kids with distended abdomens before... it's just that i NEVER really wondered how that might feel like... now that i can imagine the pain they must be going through.. it's really quite upsetting. but then, what's the use of me feeling sorry for them, like it would lift their suffering... ONLY if i can do something about it one day, will such feelings of sympathy be of some use right. =(

apple sauce tastes pretty bad (well at least the one i got does; not sure if they all taste the same but don't care to venture) why do ppl even eat it! esp babies/toddlers/kids at CHAI/my little housemate...well actually i can kinda understand lah. i mean it's pretty nutritious and easy to swallow and digest i guess. i feel sorry for them. esp for babies, who can't even protest. i shall just revert back to eating normal stuff cos i'm really not that ill. =P

i can't get back to sleep with funny noises in my stomach and so i decided to look up the EVIL stomach virus disease... also termed Gastroenteritis, apparently. and very unfortunately i am now almost 90% sure i contracted this... and i feel like it's worsening instead of subsiding.. and it also sucks that no medicine helps.... 2 more random facts after my surfing on the internet-- apparently it is one of the most common acute illnesses in the US and it can last from a couple of days to say around 10 DAYS!....!!! i will die of dehydration and starvation by then.... ok just exaggerating. i think my case isn't that bad since i haven't been vomiting. but feel weak and may skip some classes later, though will try hard not to. and i will be thriving on things like bananas and apple sauce perhaps for next couple of days.... *casts myself a pitiful look* =P

after consulting the 'advice nurse' at the Tang Center i figured that i prob didn't get detergent poisoning but instead fell victim to some evil stomach bug. (ha, to think that i totally underestimated my body's ability to expel toxic compounds!) and apparently there has been a few going around and since it's contagious i prob caught it from someone... sigh. how unfortunate. and so i am expected to feel horrible for a few more days and no medicine can cure my discomfort since it's (according to her) some kinda virus attack. oh well. i mean i can function properly, just perhaps at 75% of original energy level. and meals are merely to prevent myself from getting gastric pains and i barely enjoy whatever i eat. it must really suck to have anorexia...

i'm quite positive i poisoned myself else why would i be suddenly feeling nauseous these 2 days for no reason... aargh. now i feel like throwing up at the sight of my chips... felt better after sleeping a whole lot yest night, but then it's coming back to haunt me again. it had better go away soon else it would spoil my entire week. VERY thankful that problem set deadline has been extended to next tuesday... hmm so anyway i think i poisoned myself cos i think i might have accidentally ingested some detergent yesterday. was washing my waterbottle with detergent.. then was in rush to catch the bus so i suspect i didn't get all the bubbles out. then in sch i discovered this layer of bubbles floating on top and realized that i actually drank a mouthful earlier before going out of the house (of course, without realizing that it was contaminated...) so now i'm wondering if body is reacting to the tiny amt of detergent in stomach?? but can't really tell what happened either.. maybe i was too stressed over midterm? maybe got heat stroke. aargh. nmind, at least it spoils my appetite and i can jian fei in the meantime ha.

when we fall

am reminded that we really can't tell when each of us will meet with unexpected problems/ frustrating incidents/weak moments... and also struck by how independent and strong each of us has to (or has to learn to) be, with no families close by to fall back on whenever things crop up. and it's gratifying to feel like i can be a 'shoulder' for someone to lean on, to be a tiny source of comfort to a friend... definitely no substitute for a family member or a close loved one... but don't think that matters...

nice ppl.

i suddenly really miss my mum after discovering this little thing she did for me which was so sweet. so i have this top with a hole in it... and though i've always meant to sew it up i never really got down to doing it... then yest when i pulled out the top to wear it (and to reaffirm that hole hadn't maliciously expanded) i couldn't find it... and came to the realization that my mum must have mended it when i brought that top home over summer... just felt like giving her a big hug at that point... am also very thankful to someone who has been a really great host, to the extent that i had to (at times) fight over sleeping on the floor... =P

decided that i deserved a mini break after my midterm, so went with Sumei to Elephant Pharmacy to rent a movie.... and we found this 1994 Jet Li Movie- Zhong1 Nan2 Hai3 Bao3 Biao1, which we both watched on TV a long long time ago! and so i got really excited and decided to rent it. =P it's not GREAT, but nonetheless enjoyable... and some parts i was just like shuai4 dai1 le! er, not that he's very shuai4 lah and i am NOT a Jet Li fan btw...just some scenes... ha, but of course, falling in love with your bodyguard is somewhat far-fetched lah...
oh well, it's back to more work this weekend...

Xun2 Ren2 Qi3 Shi4

Crystal, if you read this blog, can u drop me an email? haven't heard from you since you left for Cambridge... and think you changed your email add...

1220 am now. couldn't concentrate half the time in class today; haven studied AT ALL for history midterm on thursday; have to move out temporarily for another 3 days starting tmr and there's just so many things on my mind... and it doens't help that the next 2 weeks will be lined with more midterms and deadlines. aargh. but i'm not upset or anything... just need to really focus on the correct things. =(

oh dear. i have problems keeping my hands off pita chips, my new favorite snack! (packet says 40% less fat than potato chips, so that's a consolation....but i'm also sure that's written to deceive ppl like me) though they really do taste like croutons (but think smashed up and flattened...) they are pretty addictive... =P perhaps it's a good thing that they are rather pricey... and i'm poor... so my craving will pass..

thanks to ziyang this morning, i got a taste of sailing at Berkeley Marina... it was nice going out 'to sea' in such great weather but it really wasn't VERY fun, unlike what i was told to believe, cos it's just like sitting in any other boat what. ha. and quite slow.... but then i thought it was fun that Siswi and I prob made ZY puke blood when he let us steer the boat and we kept going round in circles... for at least 15 min or so. have to admit it's probably not that easy to learn how to sail properly.... ha but considering how we prob took ONE HOUR to get the whole thing into the water, (and i wasn't even the one tying the knots ha) it's just too much of a chore for me to want to learn how to do it =P and not that worth all the trouble ha. and actually.... the most fun (but really COLD, cos obstinate me refused to wear those stinky wet suits everyone puts on haha) bit was when we intentionally capsized, despite my initial protests...