the last 72 hours has seen tremendous changes to my life here.... not only because jacqui and i managed to successfully make and sell about 90 cream puffs at spring fest on Saturday... but also cos shiyun is suddenly moving out and two other guys are gonna move in next sem! and now my dad done'st want me to drive down to LA and wants me to fly but not everyone is agreeable... and i have a poli sci midterm paper due tmr and spent whole of yest night talkign about housing issues!! and havn'et done my data entry for the week!! and hav to start on research paper for r and c!! getting stressed and i feel like there's no time for anything.... but hopefully it just makes me more motivated to work and get everything done......

PLS DUN READ THIS... serious.
i just needed some place to complain..... i feel so stressed and it's all my own fault.. for not managing my time well and always choosing to do frivolous things over proper work... and i just feel so mediocre at everything i try. =( am zipping off to europe in may/june but though i really look forward to this break... and it's really really nice that my frens are gonna come from sg to visit me, but i fear that i will be so stressed that i wun enjoy their stay as well... though i REALLY reaLly want to spend quality time wiht them... =( how... and i didn't take my econ 140 midterm and my finals is gonna weigh very very heavily.... and i dun hav the capacity and tenacity and perseverence and discipline and whatever to really fight on i fear.... feel veyr horrible. =(

am distracted from work once again... thinking senseless things i shouldn't be! aargh. i feel like saying something but i fear the consequences. but bottling everything up isn't helping either. aargh why is this happening to me
(one hour later) hmmm but just talked to ting and suddenly feel ok.... i'm such a temperamental creature!! maybe all of us are but none of us really show it.... aiyah i dun think i am ok but i'm not so 'stressed' now i guess.... love ICQ.. haha ok i am going mad. maybe i will go to safeway later and try to make mango cream for springfest.... and see how it turns out. sigh i am so undisciplined.... never use time to finish the loads of work i have. and i think if i actaullly conscienctiously read my japanese chapters every week before class, i would be so much better at it. i just complain and never carry out my resolutions.

opted out of my 140 midterm in the end.... at like 730 this morning... after studying for it all night yesterday.... oh well. thought i shoudn't take it cos i had no confidence in aceing (sp?) it and taking it would defeat my purpose of taking it... to save my first midterm grade... had better work hard and do well for finals else face the consequences.... =( feeling very slack today, though i have so much coming up..... why why. oh well. but at least i am not depressed or antying... haha. dunno why i keep reminding myself that these days...
supposed to do a mini assignment for R and C today... to look for examples of 'free indirect discourse' in the novel i am reading.... aargh. dunno what it even vaguely looks like. it's amazing how there are so many different forms of narration that i am not even aware of...

my totally unexpected 2 min of fame?
found myself on our berkeley newsletter...
and if anyone is interested, there are more pics on this other group member's website
am panicking real bad for my econ 140 midterm!!! aargh. dun want to fail..... yet keep procrastinating! aargh.

just returned from jacqui and sumei's church production not too long ago..... and it just got me thinking how creative and multi-talented all these ppl were... and though it kinda made me make comparisons again.... thinking what limited stuff i am capable of... but no i am not depressed... =)
SMSA elections today also made me aware of a mild change in my thinking i suppose.... now that i look back at elections last year, i think i really had self-esteem too low for my own good. on hindsight, i think i would have learnt a lot and probably had a lot of fun had i ran and got the post of secretary... so when i got nominated today, though i know that i cannot possibly do it this year, it made me think "what if...." not that i regret anything, just that i somehow became aware of my change in mindset perhaps recently.... i hope i am getting a lot less emotional and irrational....
i think i am still sometimes upset about my inability to ''get'' things sometimes.... for being quite dense sometimes.... but i am trying to improve.... and i hope i eventually do...

busy! midterm next week paper due next next week... R and C research stuff due soon as well..... and more data entry work to do again! feel really really short of time and it doens't help that i sometimes just doze off on my bed before getting any work done! but glad that i am not idle and thus hav no time to even hu si luan xiang. really really want to do well for my IR class.... i hope i hav time to summarize my articles..... just to get a hang of analysing them... made cookies for my decal class yesterday night and spent the whole night just doing that. but i'm happy! like to give ppl stuff and package them up prettily.... gives me so much satisfaction somehow! haha but if only i derived more pleasure in doing work.... of course i enjoy things that i am learning.... but at times non-academic stuff just seem more attractive. I'm reading this play by Tom Stoppard, titled Arcadia right now.... its such a complex adn confusing book with big themes... and the plot is apparently very smart... jstu that i dind't get half of the things in the book. sad. have to read the first act all over again to see what i have glossed over..... and my next book's Atonement by Ian McEwan... yay! look forward to 'dissecting' it.....

during dinner we were just musing over how fast all of us are gonna graduate and leave.... and somehow the thought of the ppl i am comfortable with all leaving after 3 years made me feel somewhat low-spirited... i think i will miss them dearly and always smile to myself when i think of them when all alone in my own apartment in my senior year..... haha ok.. am painting such a bleak picture of things....
was feeling really mad today and went to berkeley and bought 3 things from GAP.... and wanted to get a roxy flip flops but it was ex and felt it was being very extravagant.. but then again i hardly shop... just that my high expenditure during the past month pulled me back.... sigh. wished there were factory outlets just next door or something! =P

am finally at home, indulging in being able to use the internet once again... haha actually it's not that bad. i pretty much survived without it. it's just that when u hav it, u just keep staying online...
after 5 consecutive days of service, i am glad that i am finally home. not that i din'dt enjoy my trip, i really did! cos it was fun and informative and heartwarming.... but i guess there is a limit to hwat you can take at one go... so five days of com service was quite enough for me. it can be a little tiring really.... and i miss the luxury of my powerful shower at home! the trickle of water at the hostel was really miserable but of course i am not complaining.... just a comment.... =)
i also find it amazing how the very different personality of each member on the trip added so much variety yet dind't cause any major conflicts among us... and even though some ppl were less receptive than others, some took more initiative than others, some were more fun than others, i thought it was cool how everything worked out pretty well, and i actually felt a little sad that our trip was ending at the time i parted with my groupmates....and one thing that struck me througout the trip was the love and patience and compassion of so many ppl out there.... to be wiling to make sacrifices for this community... that was really heartwarming and definitely taught me to be more considerate and sensitive to the needs of this community...
though i have to admit that i still dun fit in well with americans, but wiht some effort i think it's still possible to talk to them etc.... and many of the ppl on this trip are really nice ppl... just a pity they will likely remain nice ppl whom i wun really be able to become better friends with...one girl Martha was especially memorable.... i think i was just being my usual self and quiet... and yet shes sometimes tried to like 'pull' me along in doing stuff... like there was talentime at the ala costa center and the kid called out her name and she just pulled me along onto the stage... and then we were supposed to perform... haha though i felt very embarrassed but i just like tried to not show it and tried to do some funny actions for the fun of it... guess when ppl take the initiative to 'pull' me out of my comfort zone, i then tend to reciprocate and then be a little more chummy with them.... =)

tis 720 am now and i just woke up and we are gonna set off at 8am to this facility to go on a field trip with some of the ppl.... and in the afternoon we are gonna go to a watchdog facility... i really look forward to that! am on a 10-min one dollar computer terminal at my hostel now and just decided to write soething really short.... the past two days have been interesting... there were ups and downs and points when i kinda regretted coming on this trip but now i quite look forward to the things we are gonna do for the next few days and hopefully i'll really enjoy myself.... and something unprecendented... i went running in the morning yest in the heart of San Francisco!! haha so nan de, me exercising.... oh no no more time on this comp..... will write when i get back

seems like the name william hung doesn't fail to excite everywhere.... went for office hours yesterday and i think one group was gonna do somehitng related to this 'theme'.... and i think the sensei asked who is william hung, is he handsome?? then the girl had to say chotto.... (like deliberating..)... then this ang moh sensei came out from the inner office and said very enthusiastically.... "totemo handsamu desu!" and it made everyone laugh....
i went to talk to komatsu sensei and she was really nice.. and i really had fun trying to tell her about my trip to tokyo.... and cos i went to the Ghibli museum (which she hasn't been to) i told her that it was very cute and interesting and that she should bring her kids there! haha felt very proud of myself momentarily.... like telling jap teacher places in japan.... haha. supposed to do a lot of work this week.... but sadly i haven't. and preparing for jap oral quiz also took up some time.... am going for hans blix talk at zellerback later... hope it will be insightful and interesting..... not that i thik i will be able to fully appreciate everything that will be said, but at least i will hav tried...... still very upset about my inability to scale greater heights academically..... and got a not too good score for my econ 140 midterm as well... =( dame desu!
but on the other hand, i was really happy on monday cos i drove alone all the way to fremont to purchase my laptop adapter.. felt really really independent!! though of course i was a little scared at the same time, worried that somthing might happen to car or to me...... but glad it all went well....

hectic week is finally over! and one more week to spring break and finally a small respite... but in the meantime, still have to 'ganbatte'... in all my subjects! hope my r and c paper was a lot better than the previous one, cos i really tried my best to improve it.... went down to stanford yest with chester trina and darwin and met jing for dinner! it's a different feeling altogether, being able to drive down in ur own car!! i really really enjoy and treasure my new-found convenience, independence and 'authority' and now i really cannot imagine myself being deprived of this 'luxury' anymore!! and today's the first anniversary of the car..... hmm perhaps i should be glad that there hasn't been any major damages to the car other than this big terrible scratch i made to the bumper and have yet to get rid of.... but i have to say that i am a somewhat reckless driver and after u get more comfortable driving, i tend to drive faster but not BETTER.... eeks. had better exercise some self-control...

what do u do with secrets that u have to keep forever... write them down and fold it into a boat and let it drift away with the currents in the sea?....

my low spirits were lifted yesterday evening when i received a surprise birthday parcel, filled with a card and gifts that showed such sincerity and thoughtfulness on the part of the sender that i was really really touched and felt really blessed that i actually meant so much to someone.... =)
and the reason for my low spirits is that i have to rewrite my r and c paper that i spent so much time on... like write a totally new essay or risk getting maybe C on my paper... cos my gsi said my thesis wasn't controversial. sigh. felt very shi bai then.... haven't been able to think of anything new to work on.... and it's due on fri.... (managed to get one day extension)... but i shan't complain. shall just try my best and hopefully i can think of something.... usually this would put me into depression, but i am trying to remain positive now and just get it done and not let if affect my mood too much.... else the daily insecurities i still face these days would plunge me into depression again. not healthy. thought i could slack this week... but sadly no.... =(

had a fulfilling field trip to the ala costa center , as part of the preparation activities lined up for our spring break trip.... it's near north berkeley and has this little park right beside it which enables the kids to play and hav games there.. qutie a nice environment. The person who gave us a tour of the place was really helpful and welcoming and after the introduction we were left to interact with the kids.... initially i felt really strange and awkward, cos i have to admit i was a little shocked and i didn't know what i should do. like trying to talk to them might not be something desirable.. from their point of view. like i started talking to this boy, who seemed pretty receptive. but after a few min he just said 'can you pls go away' and i just felt really bad that even though i was trying to help, it kinda backfired. but eventually got a little more comfortable and one incident made me really overwhelmed... i think i was just standing at the field watching them play games, then this little boy slid his hand into mine and then just stood silently by me. then one teacher suddenly asked him, "why are u crying" and then i realized that he was just tearing.... and so i tried to find out what happened but he refused to say anything and seemed to just want to hold my hand and have me 'protect' him for a while.... so i did. and for the next few min we just stood there silently and somehow when he was just fidgeting my fingers while holding on to my hand i just felt so conscious of it and i was just so happy that I coudl at least provide some form of 'reassurance' to him.... then after some time i think he kinda 'recovered' and went to play with other kids... leaving me baffled as to what really happened, yet strangely touched.... i think i might really have a soft spot for kids. and i was also quite upset when talking to this shy girl, who didn't dare to really look at me and kept saying that she was dumb....
but i am so glad that these kids have such a facility set up for them, that prevents them from unnecessary ridicule from uneducated members of the public, yet teaching them useful skills (like how to read road signs) to integrate them into society... and the dedication of the teachers there make me wonder, what i shoudl actually do with my life. should i just be concerned about academic pursuits or shoudl i sometimes pause a little while and try to appreciate other things in life, or try to do some things that are meaningful that i will remember for life...
on a lighter note, some berkeley students actually wanted to feature us in their prog... so then we had a tv crew follow us and it was strangely fake when we were filmed entering the centre, and have ppl follow us around. the person doing the program wasn't very nice and somehow her way of trying to portray our efforts made me feel that it was somewhat superficial? like she wanted me to pose and sit around the kids and interact wtih them..... like such actions totally mismatch our intentions and just made me feel that the way she was trying to go about doing her program in a wrong way...
and i am now paranoid..... that this thing may appear on national tv..... and i totally didn't knwo about it till we reached the place... and i had very luan hair and looked very terrible. eeks. so gross.

been into so much contact with christianity- films, ppl recnetly that i really dunno what i should make of everything that is put before me. was gonna go into the library to hibernate and start studying for my poli sci midterm, when 2 ppl approached me just at the entrance and requested to talk to me.... and they started on how i should receive the lord, that i am a sinner and since birth i have been sinning.... and for about half an hour i just stood there listening to them.... i'm not trying to be cynical, but i sometimes find it chilling how many christians seem so mesmerized and unsuspecting of what they believe in..... i jsut find it difficult to believe in something that i dun even know exists.... they told me that i should give it a try... what if it's real? but i just cannot bring myself to do things based on this 'what if' premise..... in this aspect at least. i can imagine what if i get into a car crash and so i buy insurance. i can imagine what if i fall sick.... so i try to not eat unhealthy food or too much throat-irritating things all at one go..... perhaps it's because these things that i think might happen i can actually imagine them happening. but what if "God" is real i just cannot seem to fathom... wonder if there's faulty logic there?

it was definitely comforting and heartwarming to have friends remember your birthday and take so much effort to celebrate it for you.... and i definitely got a pleasant surprise (though it would be more of a surprise had 'random' ppl not dropped me hints) with a yummy irish cream cheesecake, an enjoyable dinner at an Italian restaurant, a bouquet of flowers from my usually self-declared cheapo housemate, cards, prezs and well wishes from my friends, what else can i ask for? not forgetting ppl who weren't by my side, who made the effort to drop me calls... =) but my pessimistic and worrisome self never fails to inject some negative thoughts into me, as i actually thought, what hav i done to deserve all if any of this.... and then upon conveying such thoughts to a friend, i got lightly reproached for harbouring such thoughts at all... and they were 'termed' annoying.... yes, i should prob stop being so paranoid!!
spending all night out on thursday made me oversleep and as such i had to study in a flurry for my jap word quiz on friday morning... haha hope i dun do too badly.. but if i do, i have the consolation that it was 'all for a good cause'.....

then on friday i really enjoyed the night, just baking cooked chicken pieces and fishsticks from albertsons.... i also cooked my caramelized chicken wings again.... but got a comment that it prob wil taste better with unagi.. haha. and had the luxury of eating tang yuans... but got myself so stuffed with food that i prob gained a few pounds that night. eating and watching some spelling bee competition on tv and just hanging out with frens on a friday night with no worries about deadlines or midterms whatsoever was just so pleasant. and we drove up to lawrence lab to look at berkeley/ bay area and the bright lights at night.... it was really nice. though cold.... and the usually high-tolerance-cold-me chickend out and sat in the car half the time.... and i love driving at night! when there are no cars esp.... sigh i still need to improve my lane change skills...

am working on my r and c paper now.... and i hav to work really really hard for my poli sci midterm next week.... no time! still hav to go to sch later to complete my data entry work for the week.... hopefully i wil hav time to come back in time to catch a lil bit of oscars... =)

i have to admit that I do not have a very high level of self-confidence to begin with... and it leaves me wondering what i should think of myself, when at some point you find that whatever u say is constantly shot down by others? or things that you appreciate, or find interesting are frowned upon by others? well maybe not exactly frowned upon, but perhaps deemed no big deal.... or that your beliefs seem to be somewhat naive and not worthy of any notice? should i then attribute it to the differences in people's opinions and welcome the comments or shoudl i start to question myself and reflect on all my inadequacies.... ok not sure it there is such a word...
when met with such a situation, when everything you do seems to be mediocre, is it not reasonable to get upset with yourself or should i live on with an optimism that all is well and that i shouldn't compare myself with others cos it would just make myself depressed? (ok i think my last sentence sounded a little suicidal but i hav no such tendency at the least.... ) just some thoughts...

am gonna start on some data entry work this week; hopefully i will get adept at using the number pad and be able to work efficiently and quickly soon =) i also just realized that there are many microcomputing facilities on campus for studnets to print stuff, save their work, use various software etc.... how silly. having only realized that after 1.5 years in berkeley!! prior to this i hav always wondered why moffitt 3rd floor computers had no other programs and is it only that ppl cna go the unit computing centres to do their work....how naive of me
cooked caramelized chicken wings yest and they tasted pretty yummy! just that perhaps i shoudl hav left them in the oven for maybe 10 min longer... i was just afraid they will get 'chao da' cos the aluminium foil had burnt sauce on it already.... also did some slightly different things this weekend; tried zachary's chicago pizza along solano on sat evening.... i'ts deep dish pizza and lotsa chewy cheese and tomatos... pretty yummy but burnt a little hole in my already 'depleted' pocket.... then washed my car on sunday afternoon.... it's not easy to ''take care'' of a car really...

i finally got a car!!! a 2001 silver honda accord coupe. stopped writing for so long i don't really know what to write anymore....
but it was def satisfying and exciting being able to drive my own car..... unfortunately after a week of driving i don't think it has improved tremendously.... and i am still as bad as ever in changing lanes and i would prob be stuck on a freeway going straight till goodness knows when if there weren't ppl in my car helping me look out and tellign me if i can change lanes.... but I hope practice would gradually improve and perfect my driving skills!
it's been a hectic week, but I must say it has been a pretty happy one? albeit busy. dun think i did well for my econ 140 midterm but shall not think too much about it.... i was strangely surprised a few days ago, when in one day i accutally talkead to 3 of my jap 1b classmates..... and someone came up to me to ask if i could email econ 140 solutions to him if my gsi forwarded it to my section...... somehow i felt nice cos it was indeed an improvement from my last sem, when human communication was like minimal..... though i still dun talk to a lot of ppl and hav few frens, i just hope i am gradually improving... =) failed a pop quiz in my eng class..... did a mini 3 min presentation on schizophrenia in my disability decal class..... there def seems to be much more variety in my academic life... =) yay. but i think i'm gonna be really busy.... paper coming up and things due.... but i will persevere...

i got into my alt spring breaks decal class "Understanding Disabilities"... first meeting later in the evening... look forward to it. hope i'll benefit and really enjoy it and help ppl at the same time =)
i am now hanging on to econ 115 and i hope i wun be overworked. can feel all the work coming in despite it only being the 4th week of school... and i quite love my poli sci 120a professor! she is so witty and clever and articulate.... and patient with students i think... eg if she asks a question and nobody answers she wun looked pissed or anything but say more things to make us think more.... and she uses many examples to illustrate her point... only regret is i either fall asleep on my bed or hav no time to do my readings...
been looking for a car for the past 2 weeks or so, but to no avail. it's so tough to find something u really want... and it's either too ex or the mileage too high. =(