i wonder why is it that as i grow older i seem to develop a more serious inferiority complex. i told my mum that i put on so much weight that she wouldn't be able to recognize me when i go back in about a month's time and that she would comment that i bian chou le... haha. but she was like pang better than tai shou... oh well. then i told her i did badly for all my midterms and she was like aiyah dun fail then can already lah why be so harsh on yourself and make urself constantly stressed and unhappy? i wonder if this is really the way to go. sinking into mediocrity yet not be too overly affected by it. perhaps there are some other qualities that i possess that ppl dun.... so maybe i should learn to love myself more and not think so many negative thoughts. haha. at least some ppl appreciate my walnut prawns and beef ball noodles. oh well but what is cooking as compared to other things?
i also realized that i have been away from home for so so long... i was just commenting how i would finally see my mum again after one whole year. it doen'st really seem that long actually. i can't believe that i have been living on my own for one whole year.... really look forward to meeting up with ppl at home... crys jeannice joyce huining cat shing shu huijun ting etc etc..... i feel like i haven't talked to all these ppl for so so long. having said that i suddenly feel so overwhelmed i feel like crying. it's strange. i dun think when i finally see them i will hav lotsa lotsa stuff to say, (BEING ME) but somehow i just want to see them. i feel that i havn'et exactly been talking to ppl for so so long. i'm always like doing things on my own... and i am so AS. yet great inertia to 'boot' myself out of it.

almost won $50 today... but in the end i didn't. and the 'closeness' i came to winning it makes me sadder now that i didn't witn it.... than if i hadnt' come so close to winning it. haha. this was from a psych expt for my econ 119 class... termed a 'beauty contest'...i hav no idea why though. each of us are supposed to write down a no. and the person with the no. closest to 2/3 of the mean of the class would then win $5 or $50 (did this twice; first time for $5 and second time for $50) haha i was pretty lucky and the number that i guessed (part luck part attempted deduction at what class would put down) came closest to the answer... but so did 2 other ppl and when we tossed coins to decide on the winner i 'lost'..... guess i'm just not lucky enough.
yay... my PEIS paper is no longer due on thursday... but on monday instead.. cos everyone complained they had too many midterms and thus had no time for the paper and our prof was finally swayed and extended the deadline till monday. which is bad in a way actually cos then i will procrastinate and complete it during the weekend instead. but glad that i dun need to burn midnight oil today, cos my paper is far from complete. =)
i realized that i am very very ignorant though i try to read up... read economist etc... my brain doesn't seem to absorb and retain whatever information i have come across. as such i have a somewhat limited 'store' of knowledge... about everything in general. i somehow tend to remb things very vaguely and not specifically..... and also realized that its much easier to remb things if u conciously pay attention and tell urself to remb them. as compared to if u just come across them but dun think much about them....

it's freezing these days!! think average temp everyday is below 10C... an awful contrast to the nice comfy 20s just about a week ago... now i hav to wear at least 2 layers everyday when i go to sch.... and it's a chore to bathe..haha cos i'ts so cold. and we hesitate to switch on the heater.... cos our electricity bills will definitely shoot up.... but i turned it on the other day once though... and it was so nice and warm =P
2 more days before my PEIS paper is due and i hav only about 6 pages of stuff... and am really worried that my content is not good.. and that my structure isn't sound... and my speed is really pathetic... i feel terrible complaining all hte time... but i just somehow get very pissed with myself all the time. =( hope the weather doesn't deteriorate... also been sleeping very little yet i dun feel veyr accomplished. my econ 182 results are out but i dunno how i did.. i really really fear i did badly. i dunno why but somehow everything seems to be goign wrong for me thsi semester... help.

Halloween

i'ts halloween today... slept at 5am and woke up at 815 just in time to catch 52L to sch... but was still 5 min late.. and i was just settling in when i realized this guy two seats away had blood all over his chin and after recovering from this mild shock i realized it was halloween... haha. then was going to language lab in dwinelle to do my listening ex when yingping and i saw this guy with a knife stuck into his neck walking around with ease.. haha. guess it's a nice little distraction from all the work and the monotonous life sometimes...... and it rained this morning!! and it was so so cold. my laptop says 9 degrees now... was supposed to come home to sleep but now that i am back i dun really feel sleepy at all though. and on the way back home i saw little kids dressed up as eeyores, lions, tigers, fairies, butterflies and bumble bees etc and they were seriously so so cute. Singapore pre- school kids shoudl celebrate halloween too.... kids look really really cute in all these costumes... =) haha after raving about halloween i hav to admit that i wun be doing anything for halloween though, a stark contrast to my enthusiasm last year..... hunting for costumes to wear to castro... dabbling with makeup and applying it on ppl's faces.... will never forget the long long walk to the SF bus terminal at like 2am or somoething, only to discover that the last bus back to berkeley had left and we had to take taxi.... haha will prob spend today cooped up at home. =P quite sad. the cat returns tics were sold out... cept the late night show at 10pm on sunday....

got my econ 131 midterm back and i did so horribly i am totally disgusted with myself...
=( sigh. felt very depressed yesterday but i guess i can't keep brooding also. will just try really hard for my homeworks nad final and hope i wun continue to do so badly....
slept really early last night and woke up at 5am today to try to work on my PEIS paper and i wrote one paragraph. adn that took me three hours!! haha.. i am so pathetic. it seems a pretty good idea to sleep early and wake up early to do work actually... cos i find myself unable to remain awake after a long day.. usually. it gets really dark really early these days.. .after daylight saving. like at 630 pm it's almost pitch dark. so yucky. felt really nice today also, cos jacqui made some cookies yest and gave me some today! and she put them in this nice little paper box i felt very touched and spoilt.... like it's been so long since i received little gifts from ppl.... haha i sound deprived. i am not lah, well it's just that it reminded me of JC, or even sec sch.... when i think i used to write a lot of notes to people and people actually replied and somehow i am just very touched by little things in life....little gestures which may mean nothing to ppl actually but then i just feel so "warm" when ppl bother to do something for you......They are going to show The CAt Returns at Pacific Film Archive this sunday... can finally go watch it =)

i am turning into a baking freak. in addition to my banna cream pie i made on thurs night i made pancakes this morning and maple cornflake shortbread...... yummy pastries but highly sinful. brought it to shiying's place just now and glad most of it was finished! =)
went to SF alone this afternoon, looking forward to enjoying an afternoon of indulgence in art haha. cos there's this marc chagall exhibition at the SF MOMA (Museum of Modern ARt) nad the show is ending soon so i thought i should go catch it. cos i like marc chagall and since i am slightly freer this weekend i should prob break away from my monotonous weekend routine and go somwhere... felt really liberated when i was walking from the bus terminal to the museum....but to my HORROR there was this really really long line of ppl outside the museum waiting to buy admission tics. it was seriously the first time i witnessed such a crowd outside a MUSEUM.... i guess i underestimated the popularity of this exhibit.... and app ppl had to wait for 2 hours before getting to the front... and today being an unusually hot day i dind'dt fancy standing in the sun for 2 hours..... so i went shopping instead... sigh. and bought a sweater.. haha. oh well what a failed trip.
hav a 10 page PEIS paper to write, on econ growth and devt.... feel somewhat inadequate cos havn'et been wriitng any paper for so so long.... yet i feel really compelled and inspired to do a good job cos the topic is intersting... but i have been ignoring my PEIS for the past two weeks cos of midterms and as such hav accummulated a substantial amount of undone readings.... sigh. shall try to do work tmr and be productive!!

having 2 killer midterms in two consecutive days isn't exactly very healthy for the brain....nor the heart... both my midterms left me highly traumatised and if i thought my econ 119 midterm was bad last week then i dunno what i can use to describe the two this week..... well but of course i think i am partly at fault too.... maybe i didn't understand my material all that well too... but there really wasn't time to complete both midterms.... my GSI joked that i could write off questions 2 and 3 for my econ 182 midterm... hmmm wonder if he also thought that those were beyond us and judging from how he usually criticises the professor... i think this killer midterm would leave lotsa room for students to complain and i wun be surprised if in our next section both GSI and indignant students engage in some professor-bitching...sigh dun even want to think about what i would get for my midterms.. shall just enjoy my happiness now while i can.....

feel somewhat inspired to study when after i went for office hours at the I-house cafe i was really drawn by the cosy and comfy atmosphere there.... its a little like FSM cafe, well just that it is a lot less crowded... and there's music too... but eventually i got too distracted by the music that was playing.. maybe it was KOIT 96.5...can't wait for my 2 midterms to be over... cos i hav lotsa things i want to do... i have to go to the history of art dept to see what their R and C classes are like, cos the English R1b classes dun seem as appealing as i thought they will be... then should prob try to find out more stuff abotu EAP if i am really serious about it... and go to the IAS office to see what PEIS coursees they offer next sem......
can't decide what i should do for thanksgiving either.... should i go LA with shiying and melvin or go oregon and portland and seattle road trip with ziyang and dunno who else or stay here and try to study for jap orals and other subjects for the whole weekend and bum..... all of them hav drawbacks and perks so i really can't decide... =( always feel terrible and helpless when i can't decide.... got a nice icq msg from shing who tried cheering me up!! =) really glad that i am going back to sg in 2 months time!!! after 1 year away from home.... but there is this lurking fear in me that i might be so accustomed to life here already that i might actually find it strange back home.

ziyang let me drive his car today and so i drove alone to ranch and the feeling of having a car and being able to go wherever you want to was really pleasant.... haha albeit it wasn't my car. but still felt a little paranoid nonetheless cos after all i haven't driven for near to two months and thus was prone to accidents and stuff. cable guy came this mroning to install the cable box... so yay now we hav 5 HBO channels for and additional $1 per month... and cooked chicken herbal soup this afternoon and i hav such a huge pot of soup i prob hav to eat it for lunch or dinenr tmr as well... did some studying for my econ 182 midterm and though i managed to review a few chapters my progress was painfully slow.... aargh! at this rate i dun tihink i wil be able to finish studying.... but at least i did get a little work done today.. yay!! =) hope tmr will be more productive....oh forgot to add.. shiying called me to ask if i wanted to go out for dinner and though i had to reject her i felt really nice she asked...

feeling isolated once again haha cos i am alone at home and ziyang is prob at the library and wonder where shiyun is... woke up late today for the first time but miraculously i was still just in time for my 8am lecture!! feeling crappy and yet lazy to start on work so i shall cook up a crappy argument on the importance of having different 'types of housemates. (this previous part was written at 945 pm)

Having housemates with different personalities and living habbits is deemed somewhat essential for a fulfilling lifestyle and i shall seek to prove that the benefits accrued from these differences outweigh the possible benefits that similarities may bring about. First, different living habits. Different living habits can maximize the utilities of each individual housemate. For example, you needn't worry about fighting over who to use the toilet first if u and ur housemates wake up at diff times.. well guess this doesn't apply to me since i hav my own toilet... but it still contributes to my argument hhaha.... and if soem like to get up early while others tend to oversleep the early one can wake the lazy/sleepy one up in the morning to get her to go for class, which is highly beneficial to the latter cos lectures are educationally enriching. (this happened to me this morning... what a blessign that shiyun wakes up early and for some weird reason i overslept for the first time this morning but luckily got woken up by shiyun) ok as i type this i realize that i am extremely crappy and nonsensical and not making my point credible at all so i shall just give up. as i briefly browsed through what crap i wrote it seems highly selfish and self centred!!

anwyay i met my roommate laura for the first time this semester just now when going home and it was such a pleasant surprise and it was so nice seeing her again... even though i dun really know her it was just so heartwarming talking to her once again.... =) felt then like inviting her to my place for dinner some day..... yet it's kinda a fleeting thought and i know i would prob never do it.... cos i prob wun get down to doing it..... sigh. i think i always hav many random thoughts that just pass through my mind and i never really try to materialize any of them. if i tried to.. maybe i would hav a lot more things to occupy myself with... plus more goals in life....

just had my econ 119 midterm and i think i did badly so quite upset. but i know that i always worry so much such that everyone thinks that i am exaggerating the extent of how badly i did.... i dunno. i really felt like changing my grading option to p/np since the deadline is this fri..... yet i dun think i should do so cos i enjoy the material being taught in this class and if i take it p/np i know i wun put in as much effort and as such i prob wun learn as much either.... i shall just try harder on my prob sets and try harder for the final i guess =) instead of wallowing in self pity =) and dear huining was really nice to console me though i was being complainy....
this week and next would be super stressful!! tmr i will hav lessons from 8am to 7pm with just maybe 4 half hour breaks.... will be so so tired. and next week i have econ 131 and 182 midterms... hws and jap word quiz on fri... cna't wait for everything to be over! i hope i can be disciplined and study hard this weekend...

tis a bright sunny sat afternoon and washed my rugs and bathroom mats just now... yay now everything is nice and clean =P went to dump rubbish just now and discovered that there was a lemon tree at the backyard area... and i have never noticed it even though i have been living here for nearly 5months! also tried to cook beef ball noodle soup with the ikan bilis my mum sent me and soya beans and soy sauce and it turned out pretty edible. yay! =) i'm so highly 'domesticated'... and gonna cook dinner for the freshies coming for dinner later....
yesterday saw my untainted view of the world crumble... when i realized that people are not as innocent and intentionless as i would like to think them to be..... that things that i tended to believe only happen on tv are in fact very real issues playing out in our lives, but it's just a matter of whether u actively notice it or not... i feel like i am so tian zhen and naive....oh well. perhaps i am still not very exposed to a whole bunch of different ppl out there, which then accounts for my somewhat narrow and 'cloistered' view of the world. or maybe i am aware of these things, just that i choose not to really think about them.
i am beign random.... but am so glad that i have a pot of little white flowers in my room... makes my life 1% more meaningful haha... i feel happy when the buds start opening and flowers start appearing!! though i am nowhere near a good gardener.... i just pour water into the pot everyday.... haha app plants are supposed to filter the air too... so erm i can also console myself that i am now breathing fresher air?! haha. i am being mo ming.

i seem to hav mood swings everyday. and i think i think way too many bad thoughts everyday, enough to throw me into depression even when i have nothing that serious to worry about. STILL havne't finished my econ 119 homework despite staying up till nearly 3am to do it.... i am pathetically inefficient. shall try my best to crap question 2b) later then drop it into paige's mailbox... went down to Le Conte elementary sch somewhat hesitantly to do Krayola today.... though i like interacting with the kids, me being not as warm and extroverted as my other volunteers somewhat made me feel a little out sometimes... i don't know why but i think i am just so lukewarm all the time that it is also hard for kids to warm up to me... and maybe everyone i meet in general. i dun think i am incapable of feeling passionate about things or having a lot of things to blabber about... but i think i just have too many reservations and worries about opening up or appearing too enthu.... and as such i usually just dun say much.... which also often make me question myself if i am really boring to others... of course i dun think that all the time, but i guess sometimes people just feel a little down and start wondering a lot of things. hmmm dunno. oh well. i'm kinda glad though that i have gotten into the habit of blogging whenever i feel like complaining or 'venting' frustrations.... cos i think soemtiems writing does help to soothe my bad mood, if i am in one...

watched sun yanzi's the moment vcd yesterday and somehow i coulnd't hep but feel that her life is so duo zi duo cai.... well not that i yearn for somethign like that, cos the sky would really fall if i started acting or something... but her mtv with a hot air balloon really made me feel like i wanted to just get into a hot air balloon and just float over everything and all over the world and just not do anything else..... haha
and i was just veyr touched when she kinda teared while thanking all the people who have helped her and supported her all this while; it's just so nice to know that no matter what you do or how terrible u might think urself to be or how stressed u are there are always people there for you...

i have an ou xiang!! albeit fictitious. haha... can't help developing respect and liking for Fanny Price, a character in Mansfield Park... though she isn't highly regarded by the rest of the Bertram family except for her caring cousin Edmund, she nonetheless doens't fail to shine and she is easily the most sensible and thoughtful member in the family... though she is usually the silent onlooker, she manages to make the most out of every situation.... the person who sees all... and yet everyone doesn't think very highly of her... and she's so exceedingly modest despite of her li-hainess.... ok but i am only halfway through my book so i dunno what else will happen. haha i would like to learn to be like her... to observe things and think about them critically and even if people dun think very highly of me i certainly wouldn't mind!! =) i want to improve my eng... was doign my PEIS midterm just now and i can't help but be a little disgusted at how my eng deteriorates when i am trying to write something in a hurry!! i must strive to write in good english, in spite of a lack of time... in short... under all circumstances!!! haha but it's hard... but shall be my resolution of the day. =) think my econ 119 hw is tough!!! aargh. havne't even started on it yet.. and it's due tmr.. hope i get it done tonight..... =P

aargh..
tried to revamp my site but ended up losing my nice paw background!! haha oh well. nmind. now i hav a greyish looking site... =P
bought a little pot of plant from albertsons just now for 99 cents.. it has nice white flowers.... haha wanted to get ham and some groceries but all the ham was snapped up due to special offer and ended up getting mint skittles and plant and wheat thins... successfully made my honey walnut prawns yest =) yay and it wasnt' too difficult.... haha next time when ppl come for dinner i will hav a new dish in place!

picked up jane austen's mansfield park a few days ago and now i am a little addicted to it..... bought it for my r and c class but i dropped it in the end and the book has been lying on my bookshelf ever since. decided to engage in some self improvement activities so started reading the intro last weekend for fun.... and i rediscovered my liking for jane austen's books! remb that i really loved pride and prejudice when i first read it...maybe like 3, 4 years ago... and at that point in time i guess i was like one of those more idealistic 'romantic' secondary sch girl and i really thought elizabeth and mr darcy were very sweet.... act i cannot really remb much of the storyline at all but just that i really liked it at that point in time. many ppl can't stand classics but i feel that jane austen though she writes in proper eng and all but yet she manages to be pretty amusing in her descriptions, which then makes her writing lighter.... well but i guess there will still be people who dun agree with me..... feel rueful that i have kind of given up reading as a hobby for some time.... i used to read so much alst time, and even in JC i still read at least 5 novels a year... but ever since i came to berkeley i kinda stopped.... glad i am 1/4 through mansfield park but with midterms right around the corner i seriously doubt i will be able to finish it though.
had a nice conversation with joyce yest about the books we've read! haha... and we were both lamenting how we dun read now... and we also brought up the topic of lonliness.... and how both of us felt lonely in some way or another.. and she was wondering if that was what many people our age would tend to feel? ya sometimes i think i feel really lonely; i dunno if it's because i go for all my classes alone, go around sch alone... and i hardly talk much to classmates nor do i meet up with many people to do things at all.... and just now when i came home i just felt kinda lonely and xian and yet didn't' want to do any work on a fri night either....
but baked a cake just now!! haha though it was using betty cocker's french vanilla cake mix.... but still....oops but right after it was ready i ate like 1/8 of the cake... tsk tsk... no wonder i am expanding sideways =P
it's bingying's party now and i am stoning at home.... i am 'supposed' to go... and poor zy spent at least 30 min persuading me to go, and nicely offering to come home in an hour but yet i refused to move... feel quite bad but i also dunno why this time round i am actually so staunch about not going... maybe it's just that i can foresee myself feeling uneasy and out among people dancing and drinking away... such that high costs outweigh benefit... even at the expense of offending ppl..... dunno lah. if dun go really 'dun give face' meh?? i mean if they understand my reasons i dont think they would mind...

realised that gsis wun know everything either.... and studying and understanding concepts eventually still 'boils' down to ur own effort and perseverance...went to my econ 182 gsi to ask him how to do probs on the prob set and he ended up concluding that he was confused too and frankly admitted that he didn't know but would figure out. was quite surprised by his honesty and frankness, yet can't help but feel an impending sense of doom haha... what with midterms in bout 2 weeks' time... and i guess it doens't help that he doen'st quite approve of my econ 182 prof either.... who demands they write a prob set every week which i guess meant a lot of work for them and for us poor students too.... same goes for my PEIS 101 GSI who tried to explain some stuff to me but not very effectively and apparently he hadn't done his readings very thoroughly either.... oh well. i kinda miss my IAS 45 GSI last sem, who was veyr much more organized and prepared... =) guess on prob with GSIs is that they aren't very experienced, and for some of them ti's the first time teaching the class, and as such many a time, what they tell us is also based very much on their own interpretations as well..... so in a way i miss the times when i had teachers who were really clear about concepts and could accurately point out what i didn't understand and correct my mistakes.... ok... but of course there are times when i dind't understand what my teachers were trying to point out either haha. oh well... think there will always be things i dun understand as i come across new material... and sometimes it's really hard to get someone to clarify ur concepts...and as long as i maintain a keen learning attitude and not lapse in to the 'i dunno but i cna't be bothered to find out anyway' attitude it isn't that bad even if i dun manage to clear all my doubts? that seems bad..... but sometiems i feel that i am guilty of just letting it go to the back of my brain and i end up not knowing the ans...

watched leo dicap's THE BEACH on tv yest night... and though haunting it was surprisingly thought provoking and i wondered what made me think previously that it was a lousy movie? (even though i've never watched it before) hmmm ya but it was much better than i thought and i also liked how leo narrates events througout the movie. somehow i get attracted to movies with this narrator in the background.... i also liked the ending, which concluded that paradise is perhaps not any place u can actually find, but more of a state, that perhaps u find within urself or 'derived' from the precious relationships with others... well though not exactly profound and we've prob thought about it before but yet i still thought it really true and nice.. =P

received an ominous letter in our mail just now, from a previous tenant or something, saying how she fell seriously ill when he/she lived in our apartment and so did her daughter and now this person thinks he/she sufferes from permannet health damages.. and according to him, past tenants had serious health problems too and that if we are falling ill too we should probably talk.... how freaky.... made me really paranoid... my housemates are half convinced and i guess i shoudldn't think too much about it too but when i first read it i just coulnd't help but feel eerie.... well guess on one hand it might be someone else's good intentions... but then we also wondered if someone wrote it to scare us into moving out??

suffering from a little bit of sleep deficit... stayed up till 2am trying to do my econ 119 hw as well as study for my second written jap quiz this morning... am somewhat disgusted with my slow speed in doing all my prob sets. =( but i can't help it though... i just take some time to get things i think. like i think most ppl only started on the prob sets like last night, whereas i started like long ago, slowly pondering over each question without much results though haha. then in the end had to rush last night....
attempted to be more intellectual so decided to go listen to paul krugman talk about war in iraq and impact on economy (or something along this line i think) at haas business sch, but unfortunately the response was overwhelming and as such i was rejected at the door... haha but also cos there was such a long line i didn't bother to queue up till the line had shortened considerably....
my PEIS midterm is coming up in about a week's time and i dun think i understand all the concepts all that well, def not well enough to churn out a proper essay about the political economy.... and it doens't help that my GSI is more of a pretty face than an effective tutor... and though he is nice and tries to teach but it just isn't very effective in getting me to understnad things. and maybe it's also cos i dun think about things and how the class material and theories relate to real life deeply enough. aargh. i hope i hav enough motivation to do something about it, else my grades would suffer
=(
lets practise jap with a self dialogue......
shu matsu, nani o shi masu ka?? (weekend, what are u going to do?)
watashi wa benkyo suru tsu mo ri desu (i intend to study...)
haha sad rite =P

talked to my mum two nights' ago and she happened to tell me her shocking discovery-- that one of the students murdered in Sydney couple of weeks ago turned out to be the son of our 'old' neighbour, back in the days when we still lived in Tampines... and somehow she felt all the more sorry, because she actually knew the guy who so unfortunately perished innocently. apparently he was sec four when i was in p-school, and we went into their apartment pretty often then... but i cannot remb anything at all though. but the information offered to me by my mum just made the whole incident seem a lot more real somehow.... it also made her more paranoid, resulting in her and sometimes my dad calling me and telling me not to go home too late at night... and not to move around alone unnecessarily...
watched jay chou's vcd that came with the cd album... and they were showing how he had to act in the mtv... and evidently he wasn't a very good actor... and something he said was quite true!! how hard it is to act like u are so shu2 with someone when in fact u actually aren't!! and yet u hav to get intimate with people u dun even understand nor feel any affection for (he was in rome i think and one scene had to make him hug some italian babe and he was like quite emotionless and not passionate enough resulting in many many takes with naughty comments alongside remarking how lousy his acting was)......... but i thought it so true, what he said. like actors can just imagine things so easily.... and DARE to do them too. i think i can NEVER ever do that.. haha... i tend to think twice even with people i know well, like i guess it's hard for me to openly show affections cos i think i am sometimes even scared to tell ppl things in the face..... amazing how many different types of people there are in this world......ok random comment. shall prepare to go to sch....