my low spirits were lifted yesterday evening when i received a surprise birthday parcel, filled with a card and gifts that showed such sincerity and thoughtfulness on the part of the sender that i was really really touched and felt really blessed that i actually meant so much to someone.... =)
and the reason for my low spirits is that i have to rewrite my r and c paper that i spent so much time on... like write a totally new essay or risk getting maybe C on my paper... cos my gsi said my thesis wasn't controversial. sigh. felt very shi bai then.... haven't been able to think of anything new to work on.... and it's due on fri.... (managed to get one day extension)... but i shan't complain. shall just try my best and hopefully i can think of something.... usually this would put me into depression, but i am trying to remain positive now and just get it done and not let if affect my mood too much.... else the daily insecurities i still face these days would plunge me into depression again. not healthy. thought i could slack this week... but sadly no.... =(

had a fulfilling field trip to the ala costa center , as part of the preparation activities lined up for our spring break trip.... it's near north berkeley and has this little park right beside it which enables the kids to play and hav games there.. qutie a nice environment. The person who gave us a tour of the place was really helpful and welcoming and after the introduction we were left to interact with the kids.... initially i felt really strange and awkward, cos i have to admit i was a little shocked and i didn't know what i should do. like trying to talk to them might not be something desirable.. from their point of view. like i started talking to this boy, who seemed pretty receptive. but after a few min he just said 'can you pls go away' and i just felt really bad that even though i was trying to help, it kinda backfired. but eventually got a little more comfortable and one incident made me really overwhelmed... i think i was just standing at the field watching them play games, then this little boy slid his hand into mine and then just stood silently by me. then one teacher suddenly asked him, "why are u crying" and then i realized that he was just tearing.... and so i tried to find out what happened but he refused to say anything and seemed to just want to hold my hand and have me 'protect' him for a while.... so i did. and for the next few min we just stood there silently and somehow when he was just fidgeting my fingers while holding on to my hand i just felt so conscious of it and i was just so happy that I coudl at least provide some form of 'reassurance' to him.... then after some time i think he kinda 'recovered' and went to play with other kids... leaving me baffled as to what really happened, yet strangely touched.... i think i might really have a soft spot for kids. and i was also quite upset when talking to this shy girl, who didn't dare to really look at me and kept saying that she was dumb....
but i am so glad that these kids have such a facility set up for them, that prevents them from unnecessary ridicule from uneducated members of the public, yet teaching them useful skills (like how to read road signs) to integrate them into society... and the dedication of the teachers there make me wonder, what i shoudl actually do with my life. should i just be concerned about academic pursuits or shoudl i sometimes pause a little while and try to appreciate other things in life, or try to do some things that are meaningful that i will remember for life...
on a lighter note, some berkeley students actually wanted to feature us in their prog... so then we had a tv crew follow us and it was strangely fake when we were filmed entering the centre, and have ppl follow us around. the person doing the program wasn't very nice and somehow her way of trying to portray our efforts made me feel that it was somewhat superficial? like she wanted me to pose and sit around the kids and interact wtih them..... like such actions totally mismatch our intentions and just made me feel that the way she was trying to go about doing her program in a wrong way...
and i am now paranoid..... that this thing may appear on national tv..... and i totally didn't knwo about it till we reached the place... and i had very luan hair and looked very terrible. eeks. so gross.