I got very upset today. And frustrated. And unhappy :( At times dunno if i'm just being childish and immature or there's something seriously wrong with how things work where I am. I think that it's also quite unhealthy that certain things at work have made me feel bad about myself, when in actual fact I shouldn't be feeling all these feelings of inadequateness etc at all. No doubt I can be a huge worry wart, but at times I can't help but feel lousy about things I am made to do. It certainly does not help that sometimes things you have to do are plain SILLY. Like getting right who's going to sit where in the Board room, cos there is apparently some unspoken protocol that XXX will not like it if he/she is put beside YYY. This is so ridiculous; for goodness sake sit beside someone you dun like for 3 hrs will die meh. Sometimes innocent innocent think that everyone is ok with everyone else is better. Unearth office politics and you realise that once again world is complicated. The most fabulous thing was that while I was at workstation sinking into depression boss and few other colleagues were working productively after office hours. Couldn't stand it and just left, albeit with mini mountain of uncleared stuff. I need a break...

After a long restful sleep last night, I spent my Deepavali morning doing some room purging-- giving it a mini spring-clean after months of neglect. Despite a conscious attempt to regularly throw out things/junk mail that I dun want, rubbish sometimes still end up unscathed when neglected and left in obscure corners; when they just disappear under stacks of papers etc etc. Only during a spring clean do you realise how much crap you've accummulated :P Should get rid of bad habit of buying on impulse (eg. buy books and bai2 mei3 on shelf; buy clothes on impulse only to leave in wardrobe; buy mags, flip a bit then chuck one side and forget about their existence...) and ask myself more carefully whether I want something/ predict where item would end up before making purchases... And always feel bad throwing paper into the bin...but am really too lazy to hunt down the collective recycling bins somewhere in my estate. Miss those days in Berkeley when I could just carry all the paper trash to landlord's backyard.

I want to complain! haha cannot tell that I this kind look so meek and agreeable but actually so fond of complaining right... aiyah must air grievances even at risk of sounding like a useless bum, else too pent-up one day will end up spontaneous combustion/explosion :P Dunno leh, maybe after working I've become more easily 'agitated'... But complain complain in the end I still must do and still WILL do.

And I am exceptionally unambitious for a scholar. At this point in time I have no desire whatsoever to scale the corporate ladder... I am not superman like boss; nor superwoman like big boss. I am just unsuper chapalang woman given glam title of 'Secretariat Team'. Have also grown to fear the word 'update' in emails.... 'cos it usually means "go dig files"... dig deep deep. On some days, all I wish for is a leisurely weekday where I get to sit down to read a good book/watch a good movie.

At times I'm a really bad worker with bad memory. I am frequently unable to regurgitate what someone told me over the phone in its entirety. And this unintentional memory loss can be fatal... or simply embarrassing when you have to call the someone back to ascertain that this/that was what he/she really meant. Why and how boss manages to think of every possible scenario to pre-empt/clarify I am unable to explain. Maybe i'm just not a very details kinda person in this respect. I can be anal and meticulous when it comes to writing, editing etc... but ask me to take notes or remb things word for word and I falter.

On a brighter note, I visited Mt Alvernia hospital for the 2nd time in a week to visit a 2nd colleague and her new-born baby. I dun remb when the last time I saw a 2-day-old baby was, but the baby I saw today was very very cute. And delicate and small! But on the car ride back to office when female colleagues went on and on about pregnancy, post-natal depression and confinement, it all seemed very scary. Esp tales about confinement and not being to bathe for a month. Sorry to say this, but I was extremely grossed out.