lessons are officially over... and two weeks to home! had my jap finals the past two days... and i guess i wun be touching my "tekisuto" for some time..... this last week of sch was actually pretty interesting, with the conclusion of every class, it leaves me to really think about what i have learnt for the past few months... and like what is the point...... is it just maximizing and solving problems on my problem set. drawing and shifting my graphs the correct direction.... and aiming for good grades.... or should i actually try to gain 'larger lessons' about life... about the world i live in.... how should i put all that i have learnt to use in my life....? oh well.
and something quite bizarre happened... turns out that my GSI was so blur that he gave me the wrong grade on my paper, resulting in me doubting my abilities and getting depressed over my dismal grades this semester.... my paper wasn't THAT bad after all.... yay. but still hav to work really hard for my finals if i want a good grade though. this week saw me going for a free film feature at the pacific film archive, an old film about how the efforts of this tokyo woman goes unappreciated when her brother commits suicide upon finding out that she works at a cabaret (though in order to earn enough income to support him through uni).... it saw me going out for the first time maybe for dinner with arthur and sumei at chevys.... and going to the dc for dinner just now thanks to yingxin.... and actually tried to fill ziyang's petrol tank (or what do u call it.... =P) but failing miserably, so blur as to not even knowing which way to turn the 'cap'... or how to insert the 'thing' into the tank... aargh what do u call it... haha nmind i shall not even try to name it... to think that i want to buy a car... dun even know how to pump petrol....
came across this article randomly..... even professors cannot escape the fate of bad looks?

got back my peis paper and i got such a lousy grade it made me upset again... sigh. but i am going to ask my gsi to look through it again to see what's wrong cos i dun feel justified with the grade he gave.... and i watched a documentary on aids in lieu with world aids day and the victims were so ke lian it made me cry.... and i'm sure there are loads of such ppl all around the world, living each day knowing that they will die soon.... yet trying to lead normal lives, to enjoy the company of their loved ones while they are still healthy and mobile.... feel esp sorry for innocent victims.... and my admiration for dedicatead aids volunteers/doctors/nurses and everyone else who actively does his/her part to combat the spread of this disease is beyond words..... self-interested me just gets upset over grades and fails to see the larger picture. that there are so many more problems present in the world...
had no jap lesson today! so stayed home all day... hav to go sch at 4pm for lecture later though. cooked chou mein.....
jap finals tomorrow.... hope i will be productive today and tmr nite!

was just reading through all my past entries just now and i have come to the conclusion that i am probably suffering from depression... and this feeling became much more acute esp after feeling so intensely that other ppl are capable of feeling so happy while i am not... shiyun raved about her skiing trip after she came back on saturday.... read faith's blog and i can't help but feel so happy for her as well as marvel at all the emotions and 'intricate' thoughts she pens down about all her experiences... while i feel that i am always plagued by feelings of self-doubt, inability to concentrate on studying and paranoid thoughts about my friends suddenly all ignoring me or disliking me etc. i'ts not that i really want to think about them, but somehow they just creep up... my resolution to be more positive has not 'failed' cos i am trying to combat these negative emotions, but i just wonder how long i can last and how long will i take to win this battle.... i am not even sure if i was alwasy like that, or have i jsut grown worse over the past few months. i feel like it really affects my relationships with people because my constant worrying about unecessary stuff prevents me from thinking about new stuff, absorbing new information, wanting to participate in activities.... etc etc. i really want to be happy.... but it always seems like an illusion
hope goign back to sg, goign to tokyo can alleviate my mood... but with finals just round the corner, i wonder how i will perform. i hope my grades wun be too adversely affected.... maybe i should really go see a doctor when i go home or something.... and my dad has promised to embark on a mission to make me exercise to rid of all the excess fats that i hav accumulated over the past few months..... =P but with so much cheap good food at home, i wonder how successful he would be?

two days of thanksgiving break over.... cooked four dishes...but they didn't turn out that good cos first time cooking... and the recipes weren't that great.. or mabye ccos i didn't capture the essence of them all.. haha. and my cream sauce went awry and fettucini ended up dry with no sauce.... =P but spent such a long time cooking so tiring i shall never cook 4 new things at one go again =P had a pretty nice thanksgiving dinner among our batch ppl plus jacqui's fren and ziyang's sis but there was so much food i guess everyone ended up really really bloated....
then had cheesecakes at cheesecake factory in SF yest night and i think i am really overeating this holiday... and we might go down to raffles cafe this evening, so it might be MORE eating..... really hav to exercise wehn i go back to sg.. else i wun fit into anything anymore.. and cannot buy new clothes... i think i am still a little stingy, cos i feel that ultimately things here are still too expensive. and i know like if i buy something more than say maybe 40 bucks i will feel really really guilty and i will be reminded of what my parents used to say; that i am much more generous with my money even though i dun earn money.... really can't wait for finals to be over... i want to go home. 3 more weeks.