was pretty devastated by my econ final just now. cos i really feel that i screwed up the whole thing. dunno what went wrong either.. just didn't really know how to do first few questions then started panicking and couldn't think properly. and i guess i'm quite dumb =( since many ppl found it easy... and i feel really guilty now too, cos i think my behavior after the final was somewhat atrocious... cos i was just brooding and when i went to the dc i just had no appetite and wallowed in self pity... just couldn't help thinking that i would get a really bad grade for Econ and that kinda spoilt my whole evening. i really dun want to think so much about it, but i just can't help it... i'm such an irritating pathetic inconsolable soul undeserving of any attention at all.... and i need to rid of my excessive worrying and take things 'in stride'?

but glad that i had company after dinner.... was supposed to watch one of my anime movies with arthur and yingping at some lounge, but unfortunately we couldn't find any available lounge nor vcd player... which really made me yearn for a place of my own, to just hang out and relax. but that dream will be realized in a week's time and i suspect i'll probably miss the dorms and the very different kind of environment here. ended up going to my lounge to watch tv. then somehow i felt like playing the piano and this zai guy came and started playing claire de lune and i was so inspired and mesmerized that i went back to my room to get scores to practice for fun. it def feels like ages since i last touched the piano.... my fingers have all gone stiff.... also dug out all my jap drama serial theme songs and it def feels comfy and enjoyable to play the piano for fun. am somewhat inspired to go practise again... and master Claire de lune.. but it seems like an insurmountable task right now....

downloaded the coolest screensavers ever from the qoo website again. now i have a collection of 3 qoo screensavers!! =) Qoo's world!! do visit to discover lovely qoo's world!! haha ok i am mad.... brains burnt out by the first of my finals, wonder how i am going to survive next week?

feel really stupid today cos i realized i dunno how to do a lot of my econ stuff.... =( just feel a little frustrated with work sometimes but yet i dun hav the courage to just push it all to one side and do whatever i want. somewhat pathetic....sigh. but had a pretty interesting and educational econ review session by chester's econ gsi.. who is really pretty zai. haha sigh but aggravates my disgust with myself.. =(
realized that my driving skills are somehwat pathetic and hopeless once again after i tried driving from el cerrito back to berkeley this afternoon, endangering my own life and my kind passenger who so trustingly allowed the reckless and inexperienced me to drive his car.... oh well. glad i failed my driving test at vallejo then... =P

and this afternoon something happened that reminded me so much of something that happened to me last sem.. which made me think about how easily affected we all are by our grades. like it's so much of our lives we cannot not care. and that we all want recognition from others for our efforts.. and self evaluation somehow just is inadequate in satisfying ourselves.. and assuring ourselves of our self worth... and i think i'm really guilty of that. that sometimes it really disadvantages me.. like i am so affected by what people will say or will not say that what i myself think seems sometimes insignificant...

am still at moffitt library but hav given up trying to read my incredibly dense econ textbook. my reading rate is approximately 10 pages an hour, and i suspect a retention of 50% or material. hav tons of pages to read for the next 2 days....!! =( went to bear's lair to study in the afternoon and discovered that they sold 2.25 smoothies... pretty cheap as compared to many places around campus.. so maybe next time i can go there to buy smoothies.. or better still, buy a blender and make my own in at home next time... =)

feel terribly unaccomplished with respect to getting furniture from seniors. have been really laid back and didn't really actively look for furniture and the first time i tried to get something from a senior today i realised that i'm too slow =P oh well.. hope i dun end up having to buy new furniture and spend a whole lot of money.... maybe will look on craigs list after my finals.
the weather is getting hotter and guys hav commented that it is easy to tell cos girls are wearing less.. haha. i'm glad its finally gettinr warmer cos i'm really a lil tired of having to wear my blue jacket everywhere i go. and esp ever since i lost my nice pink fleece sweater i have been left with a limited variety of outerwear... haha.

my IAS 45 lecturer gave an interesting lecture to round up the whole class... and what lingered in my mind was what he reiterated, about the responsibility of those in power to make the lives around them better... i think he was referring more to the situation between developed and developing countries.. and esp after the many instances in history in which the european countries enriched their own economies at the expense of countries like africa and their own colonies, i can understand his stand. but beyond that, it made me think about the purpose of living.. .like sometimes i can't help but feel that life is so unfair.. like i think a person's destiny is very much based on his socioeconomic background.. and while ur own effort can kinda determine ur fate but still... unless u actively try to pursue what u want and fight for what u want.. it's still kinda tough. which made me think about my future job too... like perhaps while working for HDB.. i should perhaps try to somehow improve the lives of the poor?? i dunno how though.... it's too late.. my mind is getting muddled and i'm starting to spout rubbish.. haha. ok i think i shall start walking home

it was the last day of class for my CRP and R and C... and i finally finished by R and C paper at 130pm just now... sigh. dunno if it's good but at least i tried my best... somehow it seems strange to me that everyone just leaves as the semester comes to an end. i somehow feel strange that we were all somewhat 'bound' together only because we were all in the same class.. like i must say i really dunno all my R and C classmates... it's kind of sad, but i guess i also wouldn't want to talk to them just for the sake of making conversation...
decided to not 'pontang' my sign language decal just now.. and i'm glad i turned up. cos ppl were making their final presentations and some people just have a gift for performing... there were 3 guys who put up this skit and they were just so comical and funny and the whole class couldn't stop laughing. guess it was a relaxing break, considering that i probably hav to start studying for finals starting like today or tmr.. actually i somehow regret not practising and seriously learning my sign language... feel ashamed that i take the same class with all my other classmates, yet i dun think i learnt half as much, nor am i as adept at signing as many of them... i always get really hyped up and excited about doing something, but somehow on the way sometimes the excitement just dies and then i dun learn whatever i want to learn properly... sigh. but sign langauge is a really brilliant invention... and the signs are just so logical... really amazing.

feel comforted that jing is working on her paper right now too! haha maybe we will both stay up till really late...
though i cannot see her (hmm sounds strange) it feel somehow nice that there is someone else doing the same thing as u... haha though it sounds a little bad.. to want to hav someone in ur plight too... but that's always the case somehow? we alwyas yearn for company... esp when we are feeling down?

am still stuck on page 3 of my 7-10 page paper and have no idea how to continue. it so happens that at this point ziyang is on his conclusion paragraph of the same 10 page paper that i am supposed to hand in tmr.... haha. disgusted with my own inefficiency! spent the whole weekend trying to think out what to write... this afternoon searching for background info to put in my essay, then nearly 4 hours at the library and only churning out 2 pathetic pages of writing. acutally i think i am probably trying to write something beyond my means, but since i have started i have to just finish it... and i think i understand myself pretty well... since my prediction that i will stil be trying to write my essay at 4 am has come true. sigh. feel i let down the nice ppl who wished me good luck in completing my essay....

ok. back to r and c paper. goodness knows when i'll finish it... =P

i found out today that maybe it isn't that bad a thing to be quiet after all =) at least i wun say things that might potentially irritate ppl... but then at the expense of boring ppl =P sometimes i cannot believe myself for being bothered by this aspect of me all the time.... haha but sometimes i think i'm just too passive. i dun make the effort to talk to ppl.. esp in a group. and i guess it doens't help that i cannot be heard sometimes? i feel more comfy talking to ppl on a one-to-one basis... but then again how often will i get to do that?? and even so sometimes I am just AS when i see ppl.... tsk tsk. sigh.

pretty happy though that Gantt gave me an A for my participation grade in r and c!! was pretty surprised cos i hardly say much in class... well maybe going to his office hours also counts =) think he's a really cool teacher, and if not for the fact that i am getting a little xian3 of sagas, i would definitely take another class under him. he's just so interesting and hyper... and so easy to talk to and discuss stuff with. sigh. 7-10 page paper due on mon and till now haven't an inkling of what i am going to write.... will prob end up like last weekend stay up till 4 am and still stuck on pg 2 of essay... if only finals were over... i want to ban jia and buy furniture and decorate room and cook....