i find it amusing how i always end up having big 'farewell' parties. not that i don't appreciate what people are doing for me, but i just feel somewhat odd and paiseh. am finally 99% packed now; managed to squeeze everything into 2 bags but both are on the verge of exploding... in the end, i did not do any reading for my classes, nor much preparation for dc... dunno what i have been doing...sigh. the sense of directionless and leaving broken ends is coming back to me. maybe that's why i feel like i am not as keen as i should be? but it should be fun lah =)

i am finally almost done and have moved most of my stuff over to the kearney garage. i just wonder how i am going to move everything when i come back in summer... my walls are all bare now and even though i still hav a lot of luggage in the room the whole room just feels empty...
somehow over the past few days a few people have coincidentally shared with me how they have had very good memories with certain people under certain circumstances and even though they haven't exactly kept in touch with these friends, those moments of fun and joy were pure bliss... i suppose i should try to have such a mindset and then i'll be happier wherever i am and let things take their natural course?

these few days this song keeps ringing in my head....
" Cause it’s all in my head
I think about it over and over again......" well haha perhaps it sounds so me.

sometimes happy things make you sadder because they give you ephemeral moments of joy that you yearn for when u look back at some point in time in the future, when often circumstances have changed and things wun happen again.
was clearing up and i discovered my old burned cd and a nice song by Lighthouse Family titled "Run" =) esp like the intro part with the guitars and a jazzy saxophone feeling even though i dun think i know how to appreciate jazz.

have been going out so much that hardly any packing has been done! but i feel happy going out doing things here and enjoying the last few days in a place i have grown quite attached to over the past 2.5 years. and met jing and minglee at Stanford yesterday and it was nice just chatting the whole afternoon away and hanging out with 'old' frens... =) and good thing it didn't rain, which made driving a lot easier for me. i think craigs list is cool.... now my economist mags wun go to waste cos i think some ppl want them. and ppl have emailed me about my rugs! =) but then my books are unlikely to find new homes in the next few days. went to SF and got more stuff cos there were pretty good sales. I've decided that this shall be the last of my shopping here and i shall attempt to devote the next few days to really packing.... help. none of readings for next sem done at all.... i rediscovered the joy of understanding and reading Chinese today... in a way i am glad that I will be working for a prof specializing in China! i hope to immerse myself in chinese texts next sem and re-aquaint myself with his lovely language... i miss the days when i used to be able to write somewhat well in Chinese, with all those flowery cheng yus and phrases.... received a cute jigsaw puzzle note from my housemate =) it is really comforting sometimes, to know that you actually mean something to ppl around you, whether or not you are really deserving of that attention.

i have been trying to pack but not much progress thus far. i just somehow cannot organize which task to do first. what to pack into boxes. whether to throw away some things or not. whether to sell certain books or not. have to make all these many trivial decisions and it's getting me somewhat bothered. coupled with other things on my mind.... feelings that i have to sort out. pre-arrival readings to do. worrying about what to bring and what not. sometimes i really wish i weren't moving anywhere. but such inertia would get me nowhere and i think this program should do me good. sigh. why can't i be more shuang3 kuai4. forget easily and adapt easily. dun think so much about every single thing. but i just can't... in a way my room is like my life... there seems to be random things everywhere distracting me. and broken ends here and there. not much order. i dun seem to be able to really 'tie' everything together... i have goals in life, but i dun even know if i am really working towards them... like this lost girl in the middle of an ocean... trying to swim in all directions not knowing where the shore really is. and giving up quickly after each time and trying another direction. actually i will probably eventually drown cos i can't even swim half a lap in a normal swimming pool.

the cute green bear is watching silly shimin telling her not to cry cos shimin also doesn't know what she is upset over