finally watched turn left turn right on vcd today at home.... but i still very much prefer the book. i dun really like how they inject too much comedy into the whole plot... kinda changes the whole mood of jimmy's book... but i guess the movie is just an adaptation, and has to cater to the popular crowd and a more 'sullen'/ less dramatic plot would be less appealing for the general puclic... but what i really liked about the show was how the producers managed to make teh whole setting of the movie really similar to that in the book...down to the armchairs they sat in in the book haha.. well tehre were touching bits too i guess... but thought the end when there was an earthquake and it brought down the wall separating the two of them.... that was somewhat exaggerated and incredible...
doing a lil research for my japan trip... think it will be really ex... hope i can get to visit the studio ghibli, and get to see hayao miyazaki's characters in the museum! but u can't get tics that easily, so i might not be able to go if i can't get the tics beforehand...

made mashed potatoes for the lunch gathering at home yest.. but they were too salty and somehow the masehd potatoes weren't mashed but somewhat "liquidy"... but to my surprise it was almost finished at the end of lunch... strange how my failed potatoes didn't turn out to be that unpopular after all...
managed to borrow the tokyo lonely planet guide from pasir ris community library... and they recommended this cheap but pretty clean and comfy ryokan to stay in... really hope they are not fully booked!! cos it seems like a really good deal... shall call them tmr and hope they still hav places!! getting excited about my trip to tokyo..
and splurged on a coat at zara just now! aargh. am very very poor now... aggravated by the fact that we had lunch at lawry's today cos jeannice happened to have a lunch voucher, buy two set lunches get one free... and though it was somewhat paiseh 5 ppl sharing 3 set lunches... we nonetheless survived our lunch and the food was pretty good.. the worst thing was that we each paid 6 dollars plus for water!! bottled water... 5 bottles of water plus a little more can buy a set lunch....

my plans to lose weight back in sg have been foiled... my mum has been constantly stuffing me with all sorts of food, and it doesn't help that shopping centres are 'littered' with food stalls or eateries where we can buy finger food really easily. and slight jet lag has also made me too lazy to get up to exercise in the morning... and i am just horrified by the amount of fats i am accummulating each day. i had better stop this 'routine' else i will really regret it....
am very baffled why i manage to lose my temper once i come home.... liek i dun think i hav ever been really mad for the past year in berkeley and one small thing, the internet not working properly and sis hogging the comp just made me irritated.... sigh. and i can't use my laptop... =(
am feeling somewhat contradictory.... am supposed to go to aunt's place for dinner perhaps... it's my "dad's side" and i dunno them very well and i just dun feel like going.. yet it's very bad and kinda rude to be so AS... argh. one good thing about staying abroad is that u can avoid all this somewhat superficial socializing.... i mean i dun think all my relatives mean any harm but i think its just awkward....
watched LOTR 3 with Ting.... and it's nice to see her again!! dun think she has changed much though.... =) think most ppl havent... went to eat yong tau foo and tiramisu at shing's place and i think both shing huei and huining look pretty much the same... cept that huining dyed her hair... =)

first time ever blogging at home in sg!!! home feels so familiar, yet strangely distant in a way at the same time. my home seems to be filled with objects that i am unfamiliar with, didn't even know my dad got wireless internet, my bed actaully looks almost exactly the same as when i left it yet so strange when i slept in it... i forgot the color of my bathroom mirror rims and asked my mum, u changed the bathroom accessories ah? and when i landed and saw the familiar faces at the airport.... i was just so filled with joy! and my cousins and aunts came to the airport as well and upon seeing my parents i was just suddenly so overwhelmed, that i haven' t seen them for so long that a sudden surge of emotions make me suddenly break down... but they were happy tears though. and my dad got me a new nokia 6610 with nice polyphonic tunes... yay!! haha i feel really spoilt already.... hope i can make good use of my time here and have a really fulfilling and enjoyable stay at home... get recharged before i start my next sem...

HOME!!!

when ppl are nice and u can't do anything to reciprocate their kindness i feel awful...
when u know u hav a final tmr and yet u are panicking over not knowing how to do maximization problems i get desperate and freak out...
when u know there are lotsa nice ppl and things to do back home in just 3 days' time i get highly distracted
when u know ur econ prof suddenly tells u that there will be essays on ur exam just 2 days before the exam and u realise u hav absolutely no time to study for them i feel doomed
and when u know u hav two finals and u keep complaining and keep getting distracted and not get down to studying i ought to be smacked....

5 more days!!!! had two finals..... and feel really guilty, took a whole day off today and went to watch movies after my 8am finals today.... watched stuck on you and love actually; both were pretty decent.... and a nice distraction from studying..... hopefully not at the expense of my grades though next week. wed and thurs... then i will be done and i can fly home on fri!! never looked forward to going home so much..... ppl are starting to leave starting from tmr onwards. but it'll be my turn soon.... =)

days leading to finals has seen me cooking somewhat gross dinners.... ok not gross, but dinners that i think only i will eat (cos i cooked it so i have to eat it... ) eg. in an attempt to clear out my diff types of leftover portions of instnat noodles i mixed jap somen and instant noodles all together and boiled them and then mixed them with ketchup and chilli sauce... and added boiled vege and fish.... sounds really gross rite. but that is what happens when u have a weird selection of food left at home, no time, + too lazy to use the frying pan.
finals also saw me being almost totally isolated from ppl... and i've managed to be more disciplined and not remain perpetually online, and get distracted by the fact that i am online (it affects me though no one msgs me or anything)... and like though all i do is study all day (practically, most of the time...) i feel happy... like yest i went through many PEIS articles and learnt about the Asian Financial Crisis and somehow i just felt that i was acutally learning a lot.... though i mean i guess i was just reading about it and in actual fact do not have a very deep understanding of it.. but still... i felt good.... guess this should be the 'spirit' of studyign and learning.... to be motivated by what u can learn, and not perpetually worry about getting bad grades... like i keep telling myself to just do my best now, and even if i dun do as well as i want to, i hope i wun be too upset =)

just 3 min of blogging before i go offline to study..... took bus back just now as usual, but not as usual i was actually talking to someone and that someone voluntarily talked to me.... and after 5 seconds i realized my mistake cos she then plonked herself in the empty seat beside me and kept talking to me... till the bus reached san pablo.... i couldn't help but feel a little scared cos she seemed a little not-very-right in the mind, saying how bus drivers are crazy... how she hates the smell of meat loaves..... asked me what i was studying and upon discovering it to be economics praised the money making opportunities upon graduation, alongside business ad.... that i should work in SF instead of Oakalnd... and when she asked me who i lived with i said 'two housemates' and she heard 2 husbands and started laughing loudly and claiming that i was weird and practised bigamy?!! was totally embarrassed but i couldn't tell her to go away for fear of offending her and hurting her as well... so i just entertianed her for the rest of her bus trip..... what a bizarre incident....
was pretty productive and did a bit of studying today, but i still have so much so much to study.. esp when i have so many articles for PEIS to summarize... and only like summarized 4 articles amongst like at least 20?? ok shall get backto work.... =)

lessons are officially over... and two weeks to home! had my jap finals the past two days... and i guess i wun be touching my "tekisuto" for some time..... this last week of sch was actually pretty interesting, with the conclusion of every class, it leaves me to really think about what i have learnt for the past few months... and like what is the point...... is it just maximizing and solving problems on my problem set. drawing and shifting my graphs the correct direction.... and aiming for good grades.... or should i actually try to gain 'larger lessons' about life... about the world i live in.... how should i put all that i have learnt to use in my life....? oh well.
and something quite bizarre happened... turns out that my GSI was so blur that he gave me the wrong grade on my paper, resulting in me doubting my abilities and getting depressed over my dismal grades this semester.... my paper wasn't THAT bad after all.... yay. but still hav to work really hard for my finals if i want a good grade though. this week saw me going for a free film feature at the pacific film archive, an old film about how the efforts of this tokyo woman goes unappreciated when her brother commits suicide upon finding out that she works at a cabaret (though in order to earn enough income to support him through uni).... it saw me going out for the first time maybe for dinner with arthur and sumei at chevys.... and going to the dc for dinner just now thanks to yingxin.... and actually tried to fill ziyang's petrol tank (or what do u call it.... =P) but failing miserably, so blur as to not even knowing which way to turn the 'cap'... or how to insert the 'thing' into the tank... aargh what do u call it... haha nmind i shall not even try to name it... to think that i want to buy a car... dun even know how to pump petrol....
came across this article randomly..... even professors cannot escape the fate of bad looks?

got back my peis paper and i got such a lousy grade it made me upset again... sigh. but i am going to ask my gsi to look through it again to see what's wrong cos i dun feel justified with the grade he gave.... and i watched a documentary on aids in lieu with world aids day and the victims were so ke lian it made me cry.... and i'm sure there are loads of such ppl all around the world, living each day knowing that they will die soon.... yet trying to lead normal lives, to enjoy the company of their loved ones while they are still healthy and mobile.... feel esp sorry for innocent victims.... and my admiration for dedicatead aids volunteers/doctors/nurses and everyone else who actively does his/her part to combat the spread of this disease is beyond words..... self-interested me just gets upset over grades and fails to see the larger picture. that there are so many more problems present in the world...
had no jap lesson today! so stayed home all day... hav to go sch at 4pm for lecture later though. cooked chou mein.....
jap finals tomorrow.... hope i will be productive today and tmr nite!

was just reading through all my past entries just now and i have come to the conclusion that i am probably suffering from depression... and this feeling became much more acute esp after feeling so intensely that other ppl are capable of feeling so happy while i am not... shiyun raved about her skiing trip after she came back on saturday.... read faith's blog and i can't help but feel so happy for her as well as marvel at all the emotions and 'intricate' thoughts she pens down about all her experiences... while i feel that i am always plagued by feelings of self-doubt, inability to concentrate on studying and paranoid thoughts about my friends suddenly all ignoring me or disliking me etc. i'ts not that i really want to think about them, but somehow they just creep up... my resolution to be more positive has not 'failed' cos i am trying to combat these negative emotions, but i just wonder how long i can last and how long will i take to win this battle.... i am not even sure if i was alwasy like that, or have i jsut grown worse over the past few months. i feel like it really affects my relationships with people because my constant worrying about unecessary stuff prevents me from thinking about new stuff, absorbing new information, wanting to participate in activities.... etc etc. i really want to be happy.... but it always seems like an illusion
hope goign back to sg, goign to tokyo can alleviate my mood... but with finals just round the corner, i wonder how i will perform. i hope my grades wun be too adversely affected.... maybe i should really go see a doctor when i go home or something.... and my dad has promised to embark on a mission to make me exercise to rid of all the excess fats that i hav accumulated over the past few months..... =P but with so much cheap good food at home, i wonder how successful he would be?

two days of thanksgiving break over.... cooked four dishes...but they didn't turn out that good cos first time cooking... and the recipes weren't that great.. or mabye ccos i didn't capture the essence of them all.. haha. and my cream sauce went awry and fettucini ended up dry with no sauce.... =P but spent such a long time cooking so tiring i shall never cook 4 new things at one go again =P had a pretty nice thanksgiving dinner among our batch ppl plus jacqui's fren and ziyang's sis but there was so much food i guess everyone ended up really really bloated....
then had cheesecakes at cheesecake factory in SF yest night and i think i am really overeating this holiday... and we might go down to raffles cafe this evening, so it might be MORE eating..... really hav to exercise wehn i go back to sg.. else i wun fit into anything anymore.. and cannot buy new clothes... i think i am still a little stingy, cos i feel that ultimately things here are still too expensive. and i know like if i buy something more than say maybe 40 bucks i will feel really really guilty and i will be reminded of what my parents used to say; that i am much more generous with my money even though i dun earn money.... really can't wait for finals to be over... i want to go home. 3 more weeks.

i'ts thanksgiving weekend.... and i am bumming in berkeley for the first time. feels good, that for once i am not rushing to pack all my stuff like 2 hours before leaving for some trip, with worries about not finishing my homework and stuff when i get back from the trip.... haah not that i will do a lot of work while i am here though. i really doubt it. i think i will prob be so lazy and wake up late everyday.... found this great recipe for twice baked potatoes... so prob will try that for our thanksgiving dinner on thursday...!
monday saw a really really terrible incident happen that i will remb always.... and having recovered from the initial shock and trauma i now see it as a good learning experience, though at a very very painful cost... plus harm inflicted on nice and innocent individuals.... but i guess i cannot keep brooding about it now, except to think of the best solution and be mature and rational and not sink into interminable? depression or anything.... guilt is one terrible emotion that really prevents u from concentrating on doing ur normal stuff....... but i guess i hav to accept that i'm not perfect and bound to make mistakes and as long as i learn from them and reflect upon my mistakes i should be on my path to being a better person....?

had a somewhat unusual weekend.... yest saw me going to ranch with jacqui and i actually bought something from the gift shop at ranch... haha. i think they actually sell a lot of cute stuff there, just that i never ever really look at them.... i dunno why too. it reminds me a bit of giftland in sg... just like more expensive of course.... but i saw this really lcute snoopy post it notes that i decided to get for my sis... =) and for first time bought chicken from the 'rice stall' at ranch for dinner... cos can't be bothered to cook any ''meat dish'' and the chicken looked pretty good..... and turns out that when i got home and decided to go take a nap before i cook i got a call from my housemate asking me if i could go usher for him cos he was stuck in traffic jam.. haha. and so i did.... and in the end ended up watching a play too that night.... the play was pretty good though. =) and then went for dinner at old's spaghetti factory just now with shiying and melvin and sumei and some seniors.... though the food wasn't like fabulous i hav to admit, it was really nice of them to ask me.... and i got to try this interesting ice cream flavor... spumoni or something, choc with strawberry and pistachio... then came back home and was so lazy i went to sleep..... and just woke up... so here i am.. havn'et done any work... better go and bathe and start on work soon... =P
aargh and my driving licence application actually expired!!! hav to go down to el cerrito dmv tmr to renew it, else they wun look at my driving licence application and i prob wun get my licence for a long time to come!

talked for quite a while with my sis! haven't talked to her for so long..... =) and for such a long duration of time.... =) i am really ultra 'swaku' i only recently realized that the singtel page allows u to send internet smses and as such i recently started sending random smses to my sis.. haha. or like to ask her to tell my mum to call me if my mum happens to call me and i happen to be away and dind't pick up her call.... =P have procrastinated and havne't gotten a new calling card since my calling card and singtel worldcards expired....
still sick... =( but gradually getting better though.... just hav an irritating cough.. mainly. i had better try my best to recover! finals in like 2 weeks' time and it would be terribly miserable if i were to be sick during that period! =) and less than a month to home!!! yay. would hav been away for like 11 months by dec 19....

time for a change?

perhaps its really time to make a concerted effort to shed off all my unfounded pessimism and negative thinking that has been impeding me from doing things properly... i sometimes try but usually i lapse back into my old self and self-depracating thoughts get the better of me somehow. i know i might not succeed even if i try hard..... but i shall try to continue and persevere and perhaps after some time i wil see some results... and perhaps then ppl will see a happier and more confident me on my blog.... perhaps faced with the same setbacks but seeing them in a different light... why do i keep thinking that i am inferior to others? or perhaps i need a psychologist... =P

been sleeping so much this week yet as tired as ever... can't rid of my irritating sore throat..... aargh. watched fear factor last night and there was this section whereby participants had to plunge their heads into huge 'plates' of gross stuff such as rotting fish guts and mealworms, then use their head to brush all these thigns away to uncover the numbers at the bottom.... it was really revolting. but it's amazing what money can entice ppl to do. and to trick other participants, these ppl also blatantly lied to each other... to put one another off guard.. sigh.... wonder to what extent will we betray our own integrity for the sake of money....
two more weeks of sch left.... i'ts really really fast. one more month before i'll be on a plane home!!! but i dun want to hav finals.. i really feel that i wun do well this semester. but it's not that i am not trying... i mean maybe i dun try hard enough? cos i usually get distracted from studying easily... worry about not-impt or frivolous things... glad there's thanksgiving holiday next weekend.... and glad that i didn't try to go LA or anywhere else now, cos i dunno i am in a very weird mood on the whole... very not on about doing anything exciting at all...

watched a movie on my laptop yesterday.... one of the things i havne't done for so long. and i surprised myself by crying so much throughout the movie that i think all the phlegm made me get a sore throat today!! haha or maybe it's also cos i was going to fall sick anyway..... anyway, this movie is titled 'the way home'. in a nutshell, it's about how this city kid goes to stay with his deaf and mute grandmother in the country... initially he despises her and calls her all sorts of awful names... but i think the love of his grandmother eventually touched him and made him guilty for being kinda mean to her.... such that eventually he reciprocated and it's just so sweet..... in the end, cos his grandma could neither talk nor write (though he innocently tried teaching her!) he drew many postcards, addressed to himself, with captions and pictures saying "i miss you" and "i am sick".... and i just felt so so touched..... guess this storyline isn't exactly very very original, and some ppl might find the pace of the movie somewhat slow... but i somehow have this soft spot for "non-mainstream" movies like these that try to bring out delicate human emotions.... i think i cried mainly because of the unconditional love that the grandma showed for his grandson, through all her little gestures.. and sometimes at how badly her grandson treated her... i felt so sorry for her..... and it threw me into a fantasy world.. how i wish i can experience something like that too..... get thrown into some rural place and interact with the rural and simple and kind-hearted, non-scheming folks, to get a taste of another 'facet' of life.... but having said this i think my initial reaction woudl be like the grandson as well, cos i dun think i can stand not having electricity nor clean water readily available..... things that i hav taken for granted.... anyway, ppl here interested in watching this awesome movie can borrow the vcd from me! also, check out the website...
my dad got his photocake and he said it was not bad..... haha. yay! =) but on the other hand, sometiems i still can't get rid of my sense of loneliness. no matter how i try; and it doesn't help that sometimes, you just dun feel like doing any homework.

idled my time away yesterday! it was veterans day.... a holiday for us but not for stanford ppl i dunno why? nor duke ppl for that matter.. veterans day is supposed to be a day meant for honoring US war veterans...i think! haha as its name suggests.... baked instant choc chip walnut cookies in the morning, then went with faith to berkeley's 4th street to walk walk.... it was a pretty nice andclassy little place.... with so many artsy shops and lovely paper stores that just made me go mad.. haha. but there were all beyond my budget though. so could only see.. cannot buy. also went to the dicovery channel's store... and i saw this cute innovative soft toy meant to teach kids music. it's an octopus with "squeaky" tentacles... each one making a different note.... it comes with this little instruction card with instructions on how to play mary had a little lamb by squeezing the various tentacles. supposed to be done with kids so that parent and kid can learn together... how smart and fun! =) also saw a book on pyramids, which made me realize that i didn't even know what the seven ancient wonders of the world were! so i went to check it out..... sadly most of them are ruined already and apparently not all seven of them existed at the same time.
then came back in late afternoon and did a few pages of reading..... then in the end at night spent half the time chatting online and packaging some of the cookies i intended to give away..... oh well. but i really enjoyed myself yesterday, cept all the procrastinating.... haha since when was i last so happy?

went to the berkeley fall arts festival on saturday and though it wasnt as impressive as i thought it would be, but some participants of the chalk art competition really impressed me... like they can just start drawing with no reference picture... and the proportions are all right.. and the shading is so brilliant... tsk tsk. i can never do that...
and i think i was strange on sat. maybe i take things too seriously, such that little things mean so much more to me than to other people....
finally finished my PEIS paper... though i dun think it's brilliant but at least it's much better than the state it was in like 1 week ago. really really hope i can get at least an A- for it....
wanted to get a card for my dad cos his birthday's on friday! but then knowing him, and i dunno if it's like all guys in general, he just anyhow chucks the cards that i give him and i dunno if he even appreciates it... haha no lah. i'm sure he does, it's just that perhaps he doesn't show it.... and guess guys can't be really bothered with little little things that girls like me do... like letters and stuff. so i went online trying to search for a gift for him.... and decided to try out sweet secrets' photocake thingy... hehe... now i am really excited to see how the cake i ordered turns out.... i mean though these cakes aren't very nice nor pretty, but the novelty of just trying it once is still worth it i guess... wonder what his reaction would be when he sees a cake with his face on it! ..... my dad would prob assume that my mum bought an ordinary cake or something haha.... =P

i wonder why is it that as i grow older i seem to develop a more serious inferiority complex. i told my mum that i put on so much weight that she wouldn't be able to recognize me when i go back in about a month's time and that she would comment that i bian chou le... haha. but she was like pang better than tai shou... oh well. then i told her i did badly for all my midterms and she was like aiyah dun fail then can already lah why be so harsh on yourself and make urself constantly stressed and unhappy? i wonder if this is really the way to go. sinking into mediocrity yet not be too overly affected by it. perhaps there are some other qualities that i possess that ppl dun.... so maybe i should learn to love myself more and not think so many negative thoughts. haha. at least some ppl appreciate my walnut prawns and beef ball noodles. oh well but what is cooking as compared to other things?
i also realized that i have been away from home for so so long... i was just commenting how i would finally see my mum again after one whole year. it doen'st really seem that long actually. i can't believe that i have been living on my own for one whole year.... really look forward to meeting up with ppl at home... crys jeannice joyce huining cat shing shu huijun ting etc etc..... i feel like i haven't talked to all these ppl for so so long. having said that i suddenly feel so overwhelmed i feel like crying. it's strange. i dun think when i finally see them i will hav lotsa lotsa stuff to say, (BEING ME) but somehow i just want to see them. i feel that i havn'et exactly been talking to ppl for so so long. i'm always like doing things on my own... and i am so AS. yet great inertia to 'boot' myself out of it.

almost won $50 today... but in the end i didn't. and the 'closeness' i came to winning it makes me sadder now that i didn't witn it.... than if i hadnt' come so close to winning it. haha. this was from a psych expt for my econ 119 class... termed a 'beauty contest'...i hav no idea why though. each of us are supposed to write down a no. and the person with the no. closest to 2/3 of the mean of the class would then win $5 or $50 (did this twice; first time for $5 and second time for $50) haha i was pretty lucky and the number that i guessed (part luck part attempted deduction at what class would put down) came closest to the answer... but so did 2 other ppl and when we tossed coins to decide on the winner i 'lost'..... guess i'm just not lucky enough.
yay... my PEIS paper is no longer due on thursday... but on monday instead.. cos everyone complained they had too many midterms and thus had no time for the paper and our prof was finally swayed and extended the deadline till monday. which is bad in a way actually cos then i will procrastinate and complete it during the weekend instead. but glad that i dun need to burn midnight oil today, cos my paper is far from complete. =)
i realized that i am very very ignorant though i try to read up... read economist etc... my brain doesn't seem to absorb and retain whatever information i have come across. as such i have a somewhat limited 'store' of knowledge... about everything in general. i somehow tend to remb things very vaguely and not specifically..... and also realized that its much easier to remb things if u conciously pay attention and tell urself to remb them. as compared to if u just come across them but dun think much about them....

it's freezing these days!! think average temp everyday is below 10C... an awful contrast to the nice comfy 20s just about a week ago... now i hav to wear at least 2 layers everyday when i go to sch.... and it's a chore to bathe..haha cos i'ts so cold. and we hesitate to switch on the heater.... cos our electricity bills will definitely shoot up.... but i turned it on the other day once though... and it was so nice and warm =P
2 more days before my PEIS paper is due and i hav only about 6 pages of stuff... and am really worried that my content is not good.. and that my structure isn't sound... and my speed is really pathetic... i feel terrible complaining all hte time... but i just somehow get very pissed with myself all the time. =( hope the weather doesn't deteriorate... also been sleeping very little yet i dun feel veyr accomplished. my econ 182 results are out but i dunno how i did.. i really really fear i did badly. i dunno why but somehow everything seems to be goign wrong for me thsi semester... help.

Halloween

i'ts halloween today... slept at 5am and woke up at 815 just in time to catch 52L to sch... but was still 5 min late.. and i was just settling in when i realized this guy two seats away had blood all over his chin and after recovering from this mild shock i realized it was halloween... haha. then was going to language lab in dwinelle to do my listening ex when yingping and i saw this guy with a knife stuck into his neck walking around with ease.. haha. guess it's a nice little distraction from all the work and the monotonous life sometimes...... and it rained this morning!! and it was so so cold. my laptop says 9 degrees now... was supposed to come home to sleep but now that i am back i dun really feel sleepy at all though. and on the way back home i saw little kids dressed up as eeyores, lions, tigers, fairies, butterflies and bumble bees etc and they were seriously so so cute. Singapore pre- school kids shoudl celebrate halloween too.... kids look really really cute in all these costumes... =) haha after raving about halloween i hav to admit that i wun be doing anything for halloween though, a stark contrast to my enthusiasm last year..... hunting for costumes to wear to castro... dabbling with makeup and applying it on ppl's faces.... will never forget the long long walk to the SF bus terminal at like 2am or somoething, only to discover that the last bus back to berkeley had left and we had to take taxi.... haha will prob spend today cooped up at home. =P quite sad. the cat returns tics were sold out... cept the late night show at 10pm on sunday....

got my econ 131 midterm back and i did so horribly i am totally disgusted with myself...
=( sigh. felt very depressed yesterday but i guess i can't keep brooding also. will just try really hard for my homeworks nad final and hope i wun continue to do so badly....
slept really early last night and woke up at 5am today to try to work on my PEIS paper and i wrote one paragraph. adn that took me three hours!! haha.. i am so pathetic. it seems a pretty good idea to sleep early and wake up early to do work actually... cos i find myself unable to remain awake after a long day.. usually. it gets really dark really early these days.. .after daylight saving. like at 630 pm it's almost pitch dark. so yucky. felt really nice today also, cos jacqui made some cookies yest and gave me some today! and she put them in this nice little paper box i felt very touched and spoilt.... like it's been so long since i received little gifts from ppl.... haha i sound deprived. i am not lah, well it's just that it reminded me of JC, or even sec sch.... when i think i used to write a lot of notes to people and people actually replied and somehow i am just very touched by little things in life....little gestures which may mean nothing to ppl actually but then i just feel so "warm" when ppl bother to do something for you......They are going to show The CAt Returns at Pacific Film Archive this sunday... can finally go watch it =)

i am turning into a baking freak. in addition to my banna cream pie i made on thurs night i made pancakes this morning and maple cornflake shortbread...... yummy pastries but highly sinful. brought it to shiying's place just now and glad most of it was finished! =)
went to SF alone this afternoon, looking forward to enjoying an afternoon of indulgence in art haha. cos there's this marc chagall exhibition at the SF MOMA (Museum of Modern ARt) nad the show is ending soon so i thought i should go catch it. cos i like marc chagall and since i am slightly freer this weekend i should prob break away from my monotonous weekend routine and go somwhere... felt really liberated when i was walking from the bus terminal to the museum....but to my HORROR there was this really really long line of ppl outside the museum waiting to buy admission tics. it was seriously the first time i witnessed such a crowd outside a MUSEUM.... i guess i underestimated the popularity of this exhibit.... and app ppl had to wait for 2 hours before getting to the front... and today being an unusually hot day i dind'dt fancy standing in the sun for 2 hours..... so i went shopping instead... sigh. and bought a sweater.. haha. oh well what a failed trip.
hav a 10 page PEIS paper to write, on econ growth and devt.... feel somewhat inadequate cos havn'et been wriitng any paper for so so long.... yet i feel really compelled and inspired to do a good job cos the topic is intersting... but i have been ignoring my PEIS for the past two weeks cos of midterms and as such hav accummulated a substantial amount of undone readings.... sigh. shall try to do work tmr and be productive!!

having 2 killer midterms in two consecutive days isn't exactly very healthy for the brain....nor the heart... both my midterms left me highly traumatised and if i thought my econ 119 midterm was bad last week then i dunno what i can use to describe the two this week..... well but of course i think i am partly at fault too.... maybe i didn't understand my material all that well too... but there really wasn't time to complete both midterms.... my GSI joked that i could write off questions 2 and 3 for my econ 182 midterm... hmmm wonder if he also thought that those were beyond us and judging from how he usually criticises the professor... i think this killer midterm would leave lotsa room for students to complain and i wun be surprised if in our next section both GSI and indignant students engage in some professor-bitching...sigh dun even want to think about what i would get for my midterms.. shall just enjoy my happiness now while i can.....

feel somewhat inspired to study when after i went for office hours at the I-house cafe i was really drawn by the cosy and comfy atmosphere there.... its a little like FSM cafe, well just that it is a lot less crowded... and there's music too... but eventually i got too distracted by the music that was playing.. maybe it was KOIT 96.5...can't wait for my 2 midterms to be over... cos i hav lotsa things i want to do... i have to go to the history of art dept to see what their R and C classes are like, cos the English R1b classes dun seem as appealing as i thought they will be... then should prob try to find out more stuff abotu EAP if i am really serious about it... and go to the IAS office to see what PEIS coursees they offer next sem......
can't decide what i should do for thanksgiving either.... should i go LA with shiying and melvin or go oregon and portland and seattle road trip with ziyang and dunno who else or stay here and try to study for jap orals and other subjects for the whole weekend and bum..... all of them hav drawbacks and perks so i really can't decide... =( always feel terrible and helpless when i can't decide.... got a nice icq msg from shing who tried cheering me up!! =) really glad that i am going back to sg in 2 months time!!! after 1 year away from home.... but there is this lurking fear in me that i might be so accustomed to life here already that i might actually find it strange back home.

ziyang let me drive his car today and so i drove alone to ranch and the feeling of having a car and being able to go wherever you want to was really pleasant.... haha albeit it wasn't my car. but still felt a little paranoid nonetheless cos after all i haven't driven for near to two months and thus was prone to accidents and stuff. cable guy came this mroning to install the cable box... so yay now we hav 5 HBO channels for and additional $1 per month... and cooked chicken herbal soup this afternoon and i hav such a huge pot of soup i prob hav to eat it for lunch or dinenr tmr as well... did some studying for my econ 182 midterm and though i managed to review a few chapters my progress was painfully slow.... aargh! at this rate i dun tihink i wil be able to finish studying.... but at least i did get a little work done today.. yay!! =) hope tmr will be more productive....oh forgot to add.. shiying called me to ask if i wanted to go out for dinner and though i had to reject her i felt really nice she asked...

feeling isolated once again haha cos i am alone at home and ziyang is prob at the library and wonder where shiyun is... woke up late today for the first time but miraculously i was still just in time for my 8am lecture!! feeling crappy and yet lazy to start on work so i shall cook up a crappy argument on the importance of having different 'types of housemates. (this previous part was written at 945 pm)

Having housemates with different personalities and living habbits is deemed somewhat essential for a fulfilling lifestyle and i shall seek to prove that the benefits accrued from these differences outweigh the possible benefits that similarities may bring about. First, different living habits. Different living habits can maximize the utilities of each individual housemate. For example, you needn't worry about fighting over who to use the toilet first if u and ur housemates wake up at diff times.. well guess this doesn't apply to me since i hav my own toilet... but it still contributes to my argument hhaha.... and if soem like to get up early while others tend to oversleep the early one can wake the lazy/sleepy one up in the morning to get her to go for class, which is highly beneficial to the latter cos lectures are educationally enriching. (this happened to me this morning... what a blessign that shiyun wakes up early and for some weird reason i overslept for the first time this morning but luckily got woken up by shiyun) ok as i type this i realize that i am extremely crappy and nonsensical and not making my point credible at all so i shall just give up. as i briefly browsed through what crap i wrote it seems highly selfish and self centred!!

anwyay i met my roommate laura for the first time this semester just now when going home and it was such a pleasant surprise and it was so nice seeing her again... even though i dun really know her it was just so heartwarming talking to her once again.... =) felt then like inviting her to my place for dinner some day..... yet it's kinda a fleeting thought and i know i would prob never do it.... cos i prob wun get down to doing it..... sigh. i think i always hav many random thoughts that just pass through my mind and i never really try to materialize any of them. if i tried to.. maybe i would hav a lot more things to occupy myself with... plus more goals in life....

just had my econ 119 midterm and i think i did badly so quite upset. but i know that i always worry so much such that everyone thinks that i am exaggerating the extent of how badly i did.... i dunno. i really felt like changing my grading option to p/np since the deadline is this fri..... yet i dun think i should do so cos i enjoy the material being taught in this class and if i take it p/np i know i wun put in as much effort and as such i prob wun learn as much either.... i shall just try harder on my prob sets and try harder for the final i guess =) instead of wallowing in self pity =) and dear huining was really nice to console me though i was being complainy....
this week and next would be super stressful!! tmr i will hav lessons from 8am to 7pm with just maybe 4 half hour breaks.... will be so so tired. and next week i have econ 131 and 182 midterms... hws and jap word quiz on fri... cna't wait for everything to be over! i hope i can be disciplined and study hard this weekend...

tis a bright sunny sat afternoon and washed my rugs and bathroom mats just now... yay now everything is nice and clean =P went to dump rubbish just now and discovered that there was a lemon tree at the backyard area... and i have never noticed it even though i have been living here for nearly 5months! also tried to cook beef ball noodle soup with the ikan bilis my mum sent me and soya beans and soy sauce and it turned out pretty edible. yay! =) i'm so highly 'domesticated'... and gonna cook dinner for the freshies coming for dinner later....
yesterday saw my untainted view of the world crumble... when i realized that people are not as innocent and intentionless as i would like to think them to be..... that things that i tended to believe only happen on tv are in fact very real issues playing out in our lives, but it's just a matter of whether u actively notice it or not... i feel like i am so tian zhen and naive....oh well. perhaps i am still not very exposed to a whole bunch of different ppl out there, which then accounts for my somewhat narrow and 'cloistered' view of the world. or maybe i am aware of these things, just that i choose not to really think about them.
i am beign random.... but am so glad that i have a pot of little white flowers in my room... makes my life 1% more meaningful haha... i feel happy when the buds start opening and flowers start appearing!! though i am nowhere near a good gardener.... i just pour water into the pot everyday.... haha app plants are supposed to filter the air too... so erm i can also console myself that i am now breathing fresher air?! haha. i am being mo ming.

i seem to hav mood swings everyday. and i think i think way too many bad thoughts everyday, enough to throw me into depression even when i have nothing that serious to worry about. STILL havne't finished my econ 119 homework despite staying up till nearly 3am to do it.... i am pathetically inefficient. shall try my best to crap question 2b) later then drop it into paige's mailbox... went down to Le Conte elementary sch somewhat hesitantly to do Krayola today.... though i like interacting with the kids, me being not as warm and extroverted as my other volunteers somewhat made me feel a little out sometimes... i don't know why but i think i am just so lukewarm all the time that it is also hard for kids to warm up to me... and maybe everyone i meet in general. i dun think i am incapable of feeling passionate about things or having a lot of things to blabber about... but i think i just have too many reservations and worries about opening up or appearing too enthu.... and as such i usually just dun say much.... which also often make me question myself if i am really boring to others... of course i dun think that all the time, but i guess sometimes people just feel a little down and start wondering a lot of things. hmmm dunno. oh well. i'm kinda glad though that i have gotten into the habit of blogging whenever i feel like complaining or 'venting' frustrations.... cos i think soemtiems writing does help to soothe my bad mood, if i am in one...

watched sun yanzi's the moment vcd yesterday and somehow i coulnd't hep but feel that her life is so duo zi duo cai.... well not that i yearn for somethign like that, cos the sky would really fall if i started acting or something... but her mtv with a hot air balloon really made me feel like i wanted to just get into a hot air balloon and just float over everything and all over the world and just not do anything else..... haha
and i was just veyr touched when she kinda teared while thanking all the people who have helped her and supported her all this while; it's just so nice to know that no matter what you do or how terrible u might think urself to be or how stressed u are there are always people there for you...

i have an ou xiang!! albeit fictitious. haha... can't help developing respect and liking for Fanny Price, a character in Mansfield Park... though she isn't highly regarded by the rest of the Bertram family except for her caring cousin Edmund, she nonetheless doens't fail to shine and she is easily the most sensible and thoughtful member in the family... though she is usually the silent onlooker, she manages to make the most out of every situation.... the person who sees all... and yet everyone doesn't think very highly of her... and she's so exceedingly modest despite of her li-hainess.... ok but i am only halfway through my book so i dunno what else will happen. haha i would like to learn to be like her... to observe things and think about them critically and even if people dun think very highly of me i certainly wouldn't mind!! =) i want to improve my eng... was doign my PEIS midterm just now and i can't help but be a little disgusted at how my eng deteriorates when i am trying to write something in a hurry!! i must strive to write in good english, in spite of a lack of time... in short... under all circumstances!!! haha but it's hard... but shall be my resolution of the day. =) think my econ 119 hw is tough!!! aargh. havne't even started on it yet.. and it's due tmr.. hope i get it done tonight..... =P

aargh..
tried to revamp my site but ended up losing my nice paw background!! haha oh well. nmind. now i hav a greyish looking site... =P
bought a little pot of plant from albertsons just now for 99 cents.. it has nice white flowers.... haha wanted to get ham and some groceries but all the ham was snapped up due to special offer and ended up getting mint skittles and plant and wheat thins... successfully made my honey walnut prawns yest =) yay and it wasnt' too difficult.... haha next time when ppl come for dinner i will hav a new dish in place!

picked up jane austen's mansfield park a few days ago and now i am a little addicted to it..... bought it for my r and c class but i dropped it in the end and the book has been lying on my bookshelf ever since. decided to engage in some self improvement activities so started reading the intro last weekend for fun.... and i rediscovered my liking for jane austen's books! remb that i really loved pride and prejudice when i first read it...maybe like 3, 4 years ago... and at that point in time i guess i was like one of those more idealistic 'romantic' secondary sch girl and i really thought elizabeth and mr darcy were very sweet.... act i cannot really remb much of the storyline at all but just that i really liked it at that point in time. many ppl can't stand classics but i feel that jane austen though she writes in proper eng and all but yet she manages to be pretty amusing in her descriptions, which then makes her writing lighter.... well but i guess there will still be people who dun agree with me..... feel rueful that i have kind of given up reading as a hobby for some time.... i used to read so much alst time, and even in JC i still read at least 5 novels a year... but ever since i came to berkeley i kinda stopped.... glad i am 1/4 through mansfield park but with midterms right around the corner i seriously doubt i will be able to finish it though.
had a nice conversation with joyce yest about the books we've read! haha... and we were both lamenting how we dun read now... and we also brought up the topic of lonliness.... and how both of us felt lonely in some way or another.. and she was wondering if that was what many people our age would tend to feel? ya sometimes i think i feel really lonely; i dunno if it's because i go for all my classes alone, go around sch alone... and i hardly talk much to classmates nor do i meet up with many people to do things at all.... and just now when i came home i just felt kinda lonely and xian and yet didn't' want to do any work on a fri night either....
but baked a cake just now!! haha though it was using betty cocker's french vanilla cake mix.... but still....oops but right after it was ready i ate like 1/8 of the cake... tsk tsk... no wonder i am expanding sideways =P
it's bingying's party now and i am stoning at home.... i am 'supposed' to go... and poor zy spent at least 30 min persuading me to go, and nicely offering to come home in an hour but yet i refused to move... feel quite bad but i also dunno why this time round i am actually so staunch about not going... maybe it's just that i can foresee myself feeling uneasy and out among people dancing and drinking away... such that high costs outweigh benefit... even at the expense of offending ppl..... dunno lah. if dun go really 'dun give face' meh?? i mean if they understand my reasons i dont think they would mind...

realised that gsis wun know everything either.... and studying and understanding concepts eventually still 'boils' down to ur own effort and perseverance...went to my econ 182 gsi to ask him how to do probs on the prob set and he ended up concluding that he was confused too and frankly admitted that he didn't know but would figure out. was quite surprised by his honesty and frankness, yet can't help but feel an impending sense of doom haha... what with midterms in bout 2 weeks' time... and i guess it doens't help that he doen'st quite approve of my econ 182 prof either.... who demands they write a prob set every week which i guess meant a lot of work for them and for us poor students too.... same goes for my PEIS 101 GSI who tried to explain some stuff to me but not very effectively and apparently he hadn't done his readings very thoroughly either.... oh well. i kinda miss my IAS 45 GSI last sem, who was veyr much more organized and prepared... =) guess on prob with GSIs is that they aren't very experienced, and for some of them ti's the first time teaching the class, and as such many a time, what they tell us is also based very much on their own interpretations as well..... so in a way i miss the times when i had teachers who were really clear about concepts and could accurately point out what i didn't understand and correct my mistakes.... ok... but of course there are times when i dind't understand what my teachers were trying to point out either haha. oh well... think there will always be things i dun understand as i come across new material... and sometimes it's really hard to get someone to clarify ur concepts...and as long as i maintain a keen learning attitude and not lapse in to the 'i dunno but i cna't be bothered to find out anyway' attitude it isn't that bad even if i dun manage to clear all my doubts? that seems bad..... but sometiems i feel that i am guilty of just letting it go to the back of my brain and i end up not knowing the ans...

watched leo dicap's THE BEACH on tv yest night... and though haunting it was surprisingly thought provoking and i wondered what made me think previously that it was a lousy movie? (even though i've never watched it before) hmmm ya but it was much better than i thought and i also liked how leo narrates events througout the movie. somehow i get attracted to movies with this narrator in the background.... i also liked the ending, which concluded that paradise is perhaps not any place u can actually find, but more of a state, that perhaps u find within urself or 'derived' from the precious relationships with others... well though not exactly profound and we've prob thought about it before but yet i still thought it really true and nice.. =P

received an ominous letter in our mail just now, from a previous tenant or something, saying how she fell seriously ill when he/she lived in our apartment and so did her daughter and now this person thinks he/she sufferes from permannet health damages.. and according to him, past tenants had serious health problems too and that if we are falling ill too we should probably talk.... how freaky.... made me really paranoid... my housemates are half convinced and i guess i shoudldn't think too much about it too but when i first read it i just coulnd't help but feel eerie.... well guess on one hand it might be someone else's good intentions... but then we also wondered if someone wrote it to scare us into moving out??

suffering from a little bit of sleep deficit... stayed up till 2am trying to do my econ 119 hw as well as study for my second written jap quiz this morning... am somewhat disgusted with my slow speed in doing all my prob sets. =( but i can't help it though... i just take some time to get things i think. like i think most ppl only started on the prob sets like last night, whereas i started like long ago, slowly pondering over each question without much results though haha. then in the end had to rush last night....
attempted to be more intellectual so decided to go listen to paul krugman talk about war in iraq and impact on economy (or something along this line i think) at haas business sch, but unfortunately the response was overwhelming and as such i was rejected at the door... haha but also cos there was such a long line i didn't bother to queue up till the line had shortened considerably....
my PEIS midterm is coming up in about a week's time and i dun think i understand all the concepts all that well, def not well enough to churn out a proper essay about the political economy.... and it doens't help that my GSI is more of a pretty face than an effective tutor... and though he is nice and tries to teach but it just isn't very effective in getting me to understnad things. and maybe it's also cos i dun think about things and how the class material and theories relate to real life deeply enough. aargh. i hope i hav enough motivation to do something about it, else my grades would suffer
=(
lets practise jap with a self dialogue......
shu matsu, nani o shi masu ka?? (weekend, what are u going to do?)
watashi wa benkyo suru tsu mo ri desu (i intend to study...)
haha sad rite =P

talked to my mum two nights' ago and she happened to tell me her shocking discovery-- that one of the students murdered in Sydney couple of weeks ago turned out to be the son of our 'old' neighbour, back in the days when we still lived in Tampines... and somehow she felt all the more sorry, because she actually knew the guy who so unfortunately perished innocently. apparently he was sec four when i was in p-school, and we went into their apartment pretty often then... but i cannot remb anything at all though. but the information offered to me by my mum just made the whole incident seem a lot more real somehow.... it also made her more paranoid, resulting in her and sometimes my dad calling me and telling me not to go home too late at night... and not to move around alone unnecessarily...
watched jay chou's vcd that came with the cd album... and they were showing how he had to act in the mtv... and evidently he wasn't a very good actor... and something he said was quite true!! how hard it is to act like u are so shu2 with someone when in fact u actually aren't!! and yet u hav to get intimate with people u dun even understand nor feel any affection for (he was in rome i think and one scene had to make him hug some italian babe and he was like quite emotionless and not passionate enough resulting in many many takes with naughty comments alongside remarking how lousy his acting was)......... but i thought it so true, what he said. like actors can just imagine things so easily.... and DARE to do them too. i think i can NEVER ever do that.. haha... i tend to think twice even with people i know well, like i guess it's hard for me to openly show affections cos i think i am sometimes even scared to tell ppl things in the face..... amazing how many different types of people there are in this world......ok random comment. shall prepare to go to sch....

searched unsuccessfully last night for cheap tics back to sg... spent at least 2 hours on various online travel sites but all these searches gave me quotes of about a thousand bucks for round trip tickets.... =( sigh..... why is it even more expensive to go home this dec... last dec wasn't this bad even... but regardless of ticket prices, i will still fly home i guess... just hope that i am lucky enough to get a cheap deal. or rather, have the perseverance to continue searching for good deals... cooked too much fried rice for myself yest night and i think i'd have to have fried rice for lunch and dinner today.. realize the cooking seems to be what i talk about most of the time, such that 144 hours gave a rather accurate 'insight' about my blog morphing into a food journal or something? haha. maybe its cos that's all i do... eat.. sleep.. study.... called my mum to complain to her the fact that the bottle of dried scallops she sent to me somehow grew mouldy for no good reason!! quite upset cos i have only used a few scallops once. what a waste of money... realized to my horror yest also that oyster sauce had mould on the underside of the bottle cap too!! i had better start putting sauces into my fridge... or maybe it's cos the weather these days isn't all that cold and it should be fine since summer is ending now....

am so so tired today... and my eyelids keeps 'jumping'.... haha old + superstitious ppl always say that is a sign of something bad happening.. but cannot remb whether it's the left or right eyelid that symbolises ominous events. but my right eyelid keeps 'jumpin'....i dunno what's wrong with me. keep taking such long periods of time to do my homework and figure things out, that even when i have a lot of time i end up doign so little. sigh.... i feel stressed.
received jun's thank you card and it really made my day, getting a nice card from someone who appreciates the little things u did =P and a nice email from jeannez consoling me and telling me not to be so pessimistic =P feel like going back to sg now and thanking them! but meanwhile i still hav lessons till 5pm... with only a half hour break + an unfinished econ prob set.... plus i hav readings to do when i get home but i am not so sure i will not sucuumb to temptation of switching on my laptop again at night and end up not doing anything again... i think i am really not that busy, as compared to many of my peers who have to say work or do other stuff too... but yet i dun seem to be able to manage my time that well....

had lunch with elaine and it was really nice seeing her again after so long... =) ever since i moved out of the dorms i never really talked much to her... well actulaly i think after i moved out of the dorms i hardly kept in touch with any of my dorm mates at all. quite sad, well but then again even if i do see them ti's just a casual hi and we dun really hav that much in common to talk about either.... one day i shall try to cook for elaine! =) though i dun really know her that well, yet i feel very comfortable talking to her somehow.
these days i feel increasingly kong xu, that my life is really dry... i think i study too much... or rather i think about work and hardly do any other extra curricular stuff. so i think i'll do participate in krayola again this sem and hopefully do something meaningful for the kids by teaching them art and craft... and i have also neglected things that i was once interested in, such as sign language.... i guess the sad thing is that once u stop doing something, u are not likely to pick it up again unless someone comes along and has the same interest and both of u decide to do things together.... like i think i need to be more active... instead of waiting passively for things to happen. eg. i think it's usually jacqui who asks me if i want to bake, ppl asking me if i want to go for lunch; i think i seldom take the initiative to ask ppl to do things with me..... esp here. dunno why too... maybe i'm just afraid of rejections.... so much so that it prevents me from even trying. that's bad. it shall be my resolution of the week, to be more involved in my own life.. hmm ok sounds weird..... sigh but i always resolve to do things but never really follow through or realize any of my goals... =P

tried cooking two new dishes yesterday! red braised tofu and teriyaki salmon.... haha sadly yesterday's dishes all turned out somewhat wrong... the shrimp paste that i normally use went mouldy and as a result had to resort to the other shrimp paste and i put too much and mmy kangkong was too salty =P and red braised tofu was a little too salty too... haha and amusingly no one could recognize the salmon as salmon. my guests thought it was some other fish... haha quite funny. depleted a lot of soy sauce yest =P
went to library today and tried to do work... and though i really tried, i didnt end up completing a lot. prob being i spent such a long time trying to comprehend stuff.... and long time doing my prob sets as well. i sometimes can't help but think i am SLOW... oh well. getting quite sccared now that homeworks are starting to get heavy.... was actually thinking of doing krayola again this sem... but now maybe not. maybe with my spare time i can attempt to master yu jian.... =) i really love sun yanzi's yu jian. xiang zuo zou xiang you zou is out in sg but i can't watch it... very sad =( aargh. went to play piano today and somehow it revived my love for piano haha. i think i am very 'san fen zhong re du' sometimes.... like when i happen to go do something and i enjoy it i will be very ahppy, and think that i wil do it again next time. but the next tiem sometime never comes.......

a dream

had a really strange but somewhat symbolic dream which left me wondering all morning what action i should take.... dreamt that I was just walking across this bridge at night and there was like dim yellow light shining on me... was alone on this bridge and was then walking down the long flight of steps... feeling somewhat precarious as i sometiems do (though it seems strange to many i guess)... then i came to the end of the flight of steps and there suddenly was a window... and to get to my destination (or wherever i was going) I had to step out of the window to walk down another flight of steps... now this flight of steps was like just by the sea, adjacent to some big mass of water and it was like windy and the water was rough and choppy and i had to walk down the steps... and there was no railing or anything.... and i was feeling really scared and hesitant.... sadly while i was deciding whether to take the risk and end up dead or something i was woken up by my faithful cell phone alarm... and as such i was teetering at that moment, wondering how i should go about doing that but never made any decision..... oh well... really food for thought?? much as i would like to find out what would have happened to me, I think now i can never ever find out.... and perhaps it's just to alert me that there might be something in my life that I ahve been thinking about, or tried to decide upon but havne't done so?? perhaps my dream has drawn on my deepest fears while i have been unaware of my inner emotions all this while.... haha ok or maybe it was just a random dream... i mean though ppl and self-help books always talk about the power of dreams etc etc i guess we also have to take it with a pinch of salt?? haha but i dunno why but i just feel that my 'inner self' is trying to tell me something... i need a consultant...
this dream also inspired me to draw something.... and come up with a whole new art piece about my emotions and stuff.... feel really excited.. but i think i would never get down to doign it though.. cos if i really want to do it it woudl take a lot of time and researching for pictures, to do a really good job. and i guess ever sicne my O level art piece i never ever embarked on any such projects anymore... guess not whole-heartedly either.... quite sad. maybe one day... =) i think i am still sporadically bothered by my "inadequateness" in my studies... getting depressed over being 'xun se'... that i never really really like thought about spending say one whole school week not doing work and doing something i really like.

would like to get such interesting dreams more often though. =P it's been long since i rememebered a dream so vividly....

was pleasantly surprised when i reached home and found 2 letters on my table... one was from ting! and the other one was from unicef... nice to read a chinese letter written by the chinese expert ting... =) and the unicef one was particularly pleasant as well because they sent me really nice labels with my name and add on it.... well they asked for donations (in return for printing labels for me i guess) but i willingly donated because I have always wanted to donate to UNICEF anyway.... well maybe it's not really right, for these charitable organizations to pressure people into making donations using such tactics, but think they are working for a good cause... and children should be entitled to happy childhoods and not hav to worry about survival and lack of health care, malnutrition etc... think childhood is sometimes the happiest times of our lives, precisely because we do not know that much yet and dun worry and live in a world of innocence..... today was also a somewhat nice day because other unexpected things happened too...... had a nice little conversation with shiying, as well as toot toot.....and shing left me a msg asking me to fly my tiramisu back to sg..... haha and crys left me a random msg telling me sars is back in sg.... such things certainly do not happen to me everyday. suddenly all the ppl i know decided to 'call on me' simultaneously... yup. so i really treasure my precious interactions with people today!! =) albeit ending up (again) not doing much work despite having lotsa time to do work..... always happens when i have my laptop on in front of me...

got an email from cat today! it was kinda nice.... considering that I haven't really kept in touch with her for so long... actually i think i have neglected some of my 'old frens', yet not that i constantly make any effort to know new ppl too... oops. cat's life seems really interesting.... that xing fu girl holidaying and slacking in berlin, while here I am in berkeley loaded with lotsa work once again =P ok not that I have been doign a lot of work for the past two weeks, but i know that work will pile up really quickly before I know it... so... well guess i shall be optimistic and believe that work can stimulate my brain and prevent deterioration of writing skills... hmm. ok nmind quite random. nothing interesting happening in my life and i didnt get the tang centre volunteer thing but i finally got into my econ 182 class and now i officially have 20 units... dunno if i should drop cos econ 182 isn't exactly the most interesting class, plus it is at an unearthly hour and has the second last exam group.... nmind shall hang in there for the time being.....

attempted to make tiramisu for the freshman bbq tmr... for the first time. spent so much on ingredients i really feel poor now =( haha but i have no one to blame since i wanted to try it..... but screwed up a bit... hope it is still edible though. i bought coffee roast instead of coffee, and as a result i had to resort to using my instant nescafe coffee to 'wet' the cake.... aargh. quite silly of me... haha but had to improvise. then had no sieve and couldn't sprinkle the cocoa powder and so i think i put too much cocoa powder on the surface of the tiramisu.... and tried to make chocolate shavings off the chocolate bar and while i was doing that the chocolate was half melting in my hand and i had to give up... haha i sound so un-pro. but oh well.... this is the first time =P
my mum sent me a box today!! complete with a new pot, jay chou's new cd, stationery, bedsheets, bird's nest, instant mixes etc etc..... and she even sent me paper lanterns and candles.. was pretty surprised but yet touched by her thoughtfulness =) it's always nice to receive parcels and boxes from home... or rather, it's just nice to receive parcels and the 'excitement' of opening up and finding out what someone has sent always thrills me somehow.. =) miss the days when people still wrote letters to one another; the thoughtfulness and effort put in by the sender never fails to make my day...
i lost my cal photo id and class pass today!! =( quite sad... now i hav to pay 15 bucks for replacement of the card and 60 dollars for replacement of my class pass!! =( why on earth was i so careless..... sigh. hopefully some kind soul finds my card and returns it...

have been seriously neglecting my blog. guess it's cos i find that i am gradually starting to keep repeating myself... and i guess no one would really like to read my grievances day after day..... and somehow i feel that my life is strangely monotonous sometimes?? hmm dunno. invited our buddies to dinner at our place that day and it was a pretty successful dinner, consisdering that all the food turned out well... and the freshmen seemed to hav really enjoyed dinner. also played frisbee with the freshmen girls the day before... though i guess the freshies are all pretty nice people, i dun really foresee myself getting to know them really well. guess it's like lack of chances to interact too.... i mean all of them in dorms and will go dc to eat etc. well of course if i really want to i can, but i have to admit i guess i cannot really be that 'on' sometimes. unlike ziyang who seems to hang out with them perpetually these days. haha. wonder if anything interesting will happen. shall wait and see. in the meantime, still can't help but feel pathetic. cos as usual, i cannot really concentrate on doing my readings. dunno why too. and wasted so much time just now surfing and browsing for random stuff. aargh.

i have somewhat mixed feelings about the classes i am taking! and i think i very mei you yong, cos i was in my econ 131 lect.. and they started talking about some mathsy utility maximization stuff and how the class will be quite mathematical.... then i felt like dropping it! =P well but i shall persevere and not act on impulsle, else i'll really be left with no units. classes are ok so far, i think i enjoy jap the best to date; esp when i get hyper teachers who just make the class more lively and fun...
ok i finally uploaded some pics of my boston/toronto/montreal/quebec trip! click here
we went out with ying xim yest for dinner and i think they guys talked so much about how cheapo they were i thought it was really funny. and i got suaned really badly for being fat. in front of the waiter some more... sigh. i mean even if i did put on weight no need to be so bu liu qing rite. sigh. but then i think i did put on weight... haha wish i looked like what i did last year =P okok now i sound like i put on ten pounds or something....
'tis a long weekend... shall try to get some readings done, clean up my room..... oh and we are inviting our buddies for dinner tmr evening... hope the food turns out fine =)

dropped two classes yest, so am only left with 20 units. if i get into my econ 182..... sadly it's an eight am class and it has the last exam group... but i think i had better take more units this sem if i want to double major....it's pretty scary; there are singaporeans in all my econs classes! esp econ 119, econ and psychology... think there are like 5 other singaporeans... =P classes are pretty ok so far, just that i havn'et encountered any REALLY interesting lecturer yet sadly. and i have a terrible timetable.... a 5 hour break on wed and fris and i can't go home cos i will then spend like at least 1.5 hours travelling to and fro. sometimes it's times like these that i wish i had a car. or that i lived in the dorms =P i quite look forward to learning new stuff in some of my classes, like PEIS 101.... but i havne't gotten into the mood of studying yet. been slacking a lot though i already have readings to do... and yay there's a long weekend this weekend!! =)
it so happened that there was a electricity cutoff yesterday evening.... cos of a terrible accident in the area.... was quite shocked when shiyun called me to tell me the bad news... i was still in sch and was kinda devastated that i prob wun be able to do anything at night... and all the food in the fridge would turn bad... and i wouldn't be able to bathe... but thank goodness everything was restored by late evening... =)

first day of class today... quite sad cos i think my schedule this sem will be pretty screwed up, with huge breaks in between and i also suspect i will end up with too few classes cos everything that i want to take simply clash.. =( or i discovered them too late and thus am like really way behind on the waitlists. oh well. and my comp lit class that i was waitlisted for was really rather boring... maybe it was cos the instructor was so soft i was straining my ears to listen to him and i guess i couldn't identify with his love for poetry, esp when he told every single person enrolled in the class to recite this poem he distributed and the whole class had to sit through 17 recitals of the same poem.... sigh. though i should take R and C i think i shall just drop it and take it next sem. sat in an ART 8 lecture too and that was pretty interesting. lecturer showed slides of art pieces done by previous students and explained how each tried to bring out what they wanted to say. too bad the class is so full i cant possibly add it either. sigh. bad thing about berkeley.... there are so many ppl and everyone'ns just scrambling to get into classes.... was also somewhat disappointed that my jap 1a tutor wasn't as hyper as i thought she would be... and it seems like there will be a lots of hw.. =P but i think it shoudl be fun.....

am supposed to post pictures of my boston/canada trip but then hav been lazing around and doing too many other things... watched more mei li jia ting yest night till 630 am! two more episodes to go..... sch starts tmr! sigh. it will be another 16weeks of sch... before a real break comes... hope my classes this sem would be interesting enough.. =)
just spent so long cooking the first dinner since i came back..... but gladly it turned out fine. it was kinda a strange idnner... requested by ppl esp at my place. turns out that there was a plot behind everything... and we found out a newly attached couple... it took some time though and the main intended audience somehow didnt display the predicted reaction, to the disappointment of the director and actors and actresses... haha. quite an interesting start to a new semester.
and i met 3 of the freshmen yesterday... drove them to ikea and target and some other places to get stuff... and last night i actually drove to the SF airport!! quite a scary incident because right before i started on my trip i think i backed out somewhat badly and somehow the car stalled! and i was really freaked out but fortunately my neighbors came back from groceryshopping or something and managed to get the car started again. but thank goodness i did not cause any major injuries to ziyang's car yesterday...

though travelling was fun, it's so great to be home again!! =) took quite a few pictures, went to niagara, toronto, montreal and quebec.... got addicted to jay chou's dong feng po and qing tian cos we kept playing certain cds again and again on the car... spent so much money i am SO SO broke.. =( good thing sch reopens next mondya so i doubt i will have any opportunity to spend money in the near future... but then again sch is starting so soon.. and my class schedule is kinda messy still.. many many things to settle this weekend.. shall post photos up and write more next time =)

am in mit now.. prob leaving for niagara and perhaps toronto and quebec tmr morning.... had a pretty packed day today, met some really nice ppl... toured MIT and harvard, went to boston downtown and little italy and chinatown... and watched uptown girls... =)

oh no. why does something have to happen whenever i fly to the east coast. during spring break, bush declared war days before my departure to duke. and a day before i fly to boston, the east coast meets with an unprecedented emergency situation of power cutoff... REALLY hope i dun get stuck in the middle of nowhere in some airport all alone... though i might be just paranoid, my even more paranoid dad just called me to tell me that it is wise to cancel the trip. but guess i will go ahead and pray hard that nothing happens =) just that i do feel a little guilty making my parents worry... oh well.
ok shall leave for the airport now....

exams are finally over!!!!!!!!!! though i think i screwed up my 100b.... but nmind, shall not think about it for the time being. am flying off tmr afternoon... and hopefully it will be a week well spent in boston. and quite excited to go to niagara too! =) time passes by SO quickly and now that i look back, i cannot believe that i actually survived 8 weeks of waking up at 7am or earlier everyday to take 52L to sch.. and i didn't miss a single 8 am class =P think have been overloaded with econ this summer.....
going to see shu in less than 24 hours! yay. =) but feel a little strange too... cos everything's just so rushed i'm just flying blur blur to go meet her... and gonna 'leech' on her... and just follow her around.. =P it's really nice to hav a break.. after like so many weeks of studying... i jsut feel like bumming actually
feel excited about my new classes in fall.... but yet i dun feel like going to sch so soon =P and the incoming batch of freshmen have started streaming in... so when fall starts we would get to see them.... hope they are nice =)
ok i think i am just so drained i am not typing much stuff too..... and doubt i will be able to blog the entire next week... so till next fri!! =)

am extremely sleepy today. even though i went to bed relatively early yesterday night after unsuccessfully trying to study econ. and handed in a lousy hw today too for 100b... cos i didnt know how to do one question... and when i emailed my gsi he didn't reply, probably because he thought i did my hw last min and didn't deserve any help. oh well... sigh. there's a review session tom so it will be a long day again tmr... feel my life is so monotonous and routine. study. sleep. wake up. go sch. eat.
just read a touching article on zaobao.com... made me think of my own dad...suddenly feel like going home! haha for those who want some 'refresher' in chinese, u all can go read it too =P
here's the article

i dunno why but i feel that recently i've run out of things to write about.... maybe it's just a general 'xian' mood that i am in recently such that things that happen to me don't really seem that interesting anymore. i hope finals week won't be too bad though i dread all the studying that is required of me. attempted to study at library yesterday and thus camped at moffitt for a few hours yest =P and when i came down for a break i saw arthur chunyan and germaine at the comp area... haven't really seen arthur for a while actually. which makes me think how all of us, after moving out, have had less chances of hanging out together... in a way i do miss the days when all of us could just go to the dc and all eat together... and bum around till we get chased out =P now we are more 'confined' to our own houses...
so when i came down to have a break and after meeting the sgreans, i went to free speech to binch on a muffin and i was just sitting on the chair staring at the CNN screen when one old man, who happened to be seated in front of the computer in front of me, asked me if i could read out something that he had written to him, because his 'magnifying glass' or something was trashy and he could not read what he wrote. i tried my best to help but his handwriting was rather illegible and after a while he just said forget it.... but thanked me for helping. and gave me advice- to take care of my eyes. quite a random incident, but made me feel a little sad. i really fear the day when i grow old and everything starts failing... one thing i really wouldln't want to lose is my memory... cos living without memories is so sad. my world wouldn't mean anything to me then... oh well. haha strangely i have rambled on for a while without really realizing it. better go and study now....

went for karaoke for the first time yesterday night; thought it was pretty fun, esp since i think i've never been to a proper karaoke lounge before! =P then came back and to my own disbelief watched 3 episodes of mei li jia ting after going off online at 230 am which means that i slept at 5am.... sigh. should stop doing such things, esp since this is the week just before finals!! i'd better also stop thinking about random things and concentrate on my two finals next thurs. i hope i can. i had better. apparently according to my mum haagen daaz ice cream has the highest fat content or something. according to some reports in sg. and she once told my sis to call me to caution me about this.. haha. i never fail to have at least one pint of haagen daaz sitting in my freezer. sounds like i am not on the way to a slimmer me anytime soon. esp since yest i had a rubbishy lunch consisting of strawberry haagen daaz and starbucks mudpie ice cream. and my carrot cake. and one sausage. and welch's grape juice. have degraded from cooking to eating ready made stuff... =P i suspect next week too. but hopefully i'll be 'back'... in fall semester ;)

i'm somewhat mentally unprepared for the end of summer... cannot really believe that i hav 2 finals next week, and that in just one week's' time i will be flying off to boston to meet up with shu and yy... though i definitely look forward to seein dear shu again i just feel that everything's happening so quickly i cannot really catch my breath. slightly rueful that i wun get to meet the incoming freshmen at all, including those coming to stay at my place, since their expected arrival times happen to be just after my flight has departed. nor will i get to meet any during the orientation week.... but guess it's alright, since i have 3 more years to meet them =P did a series of rather random stuff today; wrote a letter in chinese to my mum; wrote a reply letter to ming lee about one month after receiving it... went for dinner at d&a with some seniors, then went albertsons to get groceries..... and was offered a 'point of information' by my dear housemate who claimed that i did not utter a single word at dinner... hmm... i guess many ppl are getting used to to me being seen and not heard?! then watched 3 episodes of mei li jia ting and here i am, rambling aimlessly away on my blog before i replenish my sleep for the week....
'

watched a movie on the poor and landless in bangladesh for my econ devt class.... and somehow just so struck by how so many people hav to survive on like a few pennies everyday.... and one lady was so proud that she earned a few pennies from making bamboo chairs everyday... just made me feel so unworthy.. that i get upset over little things. when ppl in so many parts of the world are barely surviving, yet delighting in the few happy things that come their way sometimes. like i think it takes so much for me to be satisfied.... and i worry excessively... such that it gets on ppl's nerves even i think. i'ts not intentional, but sometimes i just can't help it though. i really wonder, why am i like that?? is there anyone in the world so sillly like me... and i guess also when i feel like doing things, i'm sometimes afraid of rejections and i end up not asking ppl =P oh well.

my yosemite trip
reached home yesterday evening with bag full of dirty clothes, oily face and aching muscles, but i had a fun 2 days at yosemite! =) it was kinda refreshing, 'cos i did so many new things.... had a vastly different weekend from all my other weekends... dun really know how to describe my whole trip though. =P maybe i'll just write in point form....
ten memorable things about the trip:
1) it rained when we got there, causing me to feel extremely uneasy about my bad luck week... but luckily clouds eventually cleared but sadly the view wasn't as good as it would hav been had there been good weather
2) embarked on a 4-mile, 3200 ft, 3.5- 4 hr long hike up to glacier point; it was kinda random... we stopped at the starting point and decided to give it a try and we ended up climbing higher and higher... in wind, sand and stars, antoine de saint-exupery said 'self discovery comes when man measures himself against an obstacle' and i guess for me i realized that i REALLY needed more regular exercise cos towards the end i was really dying while the others were still going strong. amazed. haha... but i hope i did burn some calories... and we managed to take some nice pics from different heights from the mountain
3) yingping mentioned at least 5 times that his car was the chioest around
4) saw chipmunks for the first time! little creatures scurrying around.. really cute
5) barbequed my own bread. cos edward and yingping were both scouts so edward had this idea to make our own bread so we brought dough along and twisted the dough around aluminium-foiled branches and had bread twists.. quite cool and fun =)
6) hitchhiked for the first time. to our horror (or more so my horror) we discovered that the shuttle bus that brings ppl down the mountain stopped at 3 something pm and we only reached the top at around 530pm.... and the idea of hiking all the way back down wasn't exactly that palatable. so the most logical thing to do was to flag down a car to hitch a ride down. and luckily we met this really nice couple who agreed to take us in their rental car... =)
7) feeling really dirty for 1.5 days. cos the toilet was REALLY stinky and we didnt get to brush teeth at the campsite which was quite ulu, deep in the 'forest'... and though i showered, we showered at this public shower which was pretty dirty... of course i can't complain.. this is camping =)
8) the starry sky at night. it was so beautiful... if only i wasn't so tired and if only our tent had a 'moonroof' then i could hav gazed at the stars all night.
9) brought along my econ tb to read but ended up only reading one pg
10) of course not forgetting all the nice ppl that made this trip possible and enjoyable.... and my sleeping bag "loaner" =)
here are some pics i took... hope this link works!

this week has just been terrible. yesterday saw my unlucky streak 'resurface'?! hmm dunno what i am talking about. but anyway, something really gross happened... i packed lunch into my bag... from channing chinese express.. i couldln't finish so i htought i would bring it home and maybe i can hav some for dinner.. so i put the whole paper bag in to my backpack and to my horror when i reached home i realized that the sauce and oil from the chicken dish i bought had spilled out and my whole bag was oily.. and stinky. my poor pencilcase, my wallet.. and even my textbook! now my textbooks smells faintly of chicken though i tried my best to salvage it. i washed my pencilcase and wallet and backpack and they are clean now; thank goodness.
i'm really in quite an awful mood now; not only because i have been so unlucky all week. but i'm upset about some things... though i'm going yosemite tomorrow i really wonder if i will enjoy myself. and because of this, all the more i feel bad because i hope i wun cause it to be less enjoyable for the people going with me. plus i can't help but feel ominous.... i pray hard that my bad luck wouldnt cause anything bad to happen on this trip. seriously. and a huge pile of homework await me too. why do bad things all happen at the same time?

am currently suffering from a series of petty injuries!! aargh. shang hen lei lei. hav blue blacks on both knees cos i tripped over my cables last week... then yest before i played frisbee i stepped into this hole in the grass and ended up with a nasty wound on my elbow that has refused to heal.. just applied the vicious but effective 'qing cao you' and hopefully it will heal soon =( and poked myself just now when i was peeling prawns to cook for dinner.... i am unbelievably clumsy recently. i feel sorry for myself...
going to yosemite national park this weekend! hope it will be fun... but then i hav mixed feelings because the latest hws have streamed in once again and i hope i wun hav to end up staying up too much next week. i hav gotten addicted to the apple cloud at the free speech cafe; i think i've eaten it twice.. or is it thrice this week?! this is quite bad, waste money eating fattening food. talkign about food, relieved that my sweet and sour tofu turned out pretty ok yesterday! and shiying passed her test =) shu just suggested that i go boston to look for her and then we can all drive up to niagara falls or something.... sounds really exciting. feel tempted =P told my mum about it but she's really worried. worried that something will happen to me when i fly alone to boston. just like when i flew alone to new york during spring break... i guess i can understand her worries... dunno if i should fly alone again. but i doubt anyone would want to go with me anyway so if i dun fly alone i wun be able to go on a holiday... feel really anxious though. that finals are in 2 weeks' time! time passes SO fast.. i do look forward to the day when i get to fly home... =)

was so unlucky today that i think i must hav done something wrong. offended someone.... haha. cannot really believe myself.. for being SO absent-minded all of a sudden... left the house in a hurry and realized i forgot my cellphone and lunchbox so had to come back to get it and i missed the early bus. then when i settled down in class, relieved that i arrived exactly at 810am, to my horror i found that i had left my pencilcase at home. so throughout the day i had to ask favors from ppl sitting beside me....then after class i went to the bank and to hav lunch and when i was walking to the bus stop i realized that my file was nowhere in sight... and i ended up walking all the way back to telegraph to hunt for my precious file... with all my notes and hw... to find that i left it at the counter in bank of america... well, though nothing exactly bad happened, i couldn't help but feel totally drained by all the little things that happened today =(
haha sometimes i think i think of the most ridiculous things.. like sometimes i'm just ultra sensitive and think of things to fault myself even when i hav done nothing wrong... why why... hav degraded to eating instant noodles today =P but tmr i shall attempt to replicate my sweet and sour tofu for shiying! =) hope she passes her driving tmr... =)

had a totally unproductive day today!! =( searched in vain for more tickets to chicago but found none... so prob wun be able to realize holiday plans... cleaned up my room a little.... baked scones for lunch.... it's pretty cool to hav an oven in the house, cos due to well stocked supermarts in the US u can easily buy all kinds of mixes and then produce pastries without much hassle =P next time when i hav more time then i shall experiment using real recipes.... then tried bread crumb coated chicken for dinner and it turned out pretty fine =) sigh. but just feel a general sense of 'xian-ness' yet not motivated to do any work. sigh. depressed.
just went for a ride in yingping's new car! his car is really big and spacious.. and the exterior looks really new and pretty sleek. now so many ppl hav cars.... at times i really do feel like getting a car too.... but then again sometimes i wonder if i should let peer pressure get me... as in i think that i am so 'domesticated' or like inactive sometimes that getting a car wouldn't be maximizing my utility.... and i might underutilise the car... my car might just be sitting there in the parking lot collecting dust =P really dunno. i think i'm getting more and more isolated somehow... dunno why i have that feeling though. quite strange. i think i'm quite strange i'm getting quite AS somehow?? dunno. and sometimes i seriously feel a lack of intelligence... aargh. self-deprecating thoughts again.
called my sis today... i realize that i seldom talk to her.. quite sad. and somehow though she tells me very non-serious and sometimes kiddish stuff i just feel fun playing along with her... =) feel that i have somewhat neglected many relationships with ppl back home... i seriously hope that when i go back in dec i wouldn't feel that there is a serious lack of conversation topics... cos i will be very sad if that happens. somehow i jsut have a feeling that i'm gettin somewhat socially inadept. i dunno why too.... maybe it's cos i hardly talk much to ppl nowadays? hmmm where does all my self-doubt arise from....i think sometiems its so deceptive. like sometimes u just get disillusioned with urself.. then u need someone to tell reassure u that u are fine etc... but then again when ppl console u they tend to say nicer things, things that will lift ur spirits so it may not be true in the first place. but then sometiems somehow we feel better to have heard such 'nice' things.... and i'ts not to say that these ppl are really deceiving u or anything, they are nice to be there for u definitely... hmm nmind i think i am just getting incoherent, too late at night.....

feel that i am recently more prone to verbal abuse... which makes me wonder about myself sometimes. like when ppl say things about u, which are probably more frivolous and thus shoudlnt be taken too seriously..... but though u know it prob isn't true u still suspect if ther'es something wrong with urself. that's the bad thing about worrying too much and being too pessimistic. watched kiki's delivery service just now and thought it was pretty funny and entertaining =) though anime is sometimes more intended for the younger audience, it never fails to appeal to me..... haha i sometimes really think i'm quite kiddish. and anyone who comes into my room might easily mistake it for a little girl's room =P
sometiems i really wonder why u just happen to meet certain ppl. like so coincidental. like on tues was walking towards sproul and just happened to see chester. then few seconds later i heard shiying calling my name... then less than 10 seconds later i saw tim and chunyan. all along the same stretch of road consecutively. but i doubt any of them realized they were in such close proximity to one another. how interesting =P then today on campus i was walking home when i all of a sudden realized i was walking behind shiying and baolin... and i really didn't realize it! and when shiying asked me how long i hav been 'tailing' her i realized that i was actually quite blind haha. then was walking along university ave and met chester; i thought it was quite coincidental how on both days i kinda saw shiying and chester, both like within minutes....
bought 'radish cake' from ranch today and attempted to replicate fried carrot cake but apparently i wasn't too successful cos i was told by my housemate not to tell him when i next cook the dish. haha oh well. i admit that it didn't taste that great.... but it wasn't that bad either? my attempts in searching for a cheap ticket to chicago during the one week summer break before fall sem starts hav been somewhat futile... can't find any tic below 280! =( looks like i prob wun be able to see shu... =( shall try to psycho her to go somewhere else if that should happen... =)

yay midterm over!! =) dunno how i'll do though but shall not care for the time being =) bummed the whole afternoon away but dun feel guilty at all. my poster arrived in the mail today and somehow i cannot believe myself for having spent 14 bucks on a piece of paper..... i think i was too chong dong and just clicked and just bought it!! =( the poster is really sweet though. though not suitable for me actually. now i kinda regret.. sigh. one of the disadvantages (supposedly also advantage) of online shopping is that it's too convenient... esp when u are equipped with a credit card... with online accounts everywehre at online stores.... not that i hav many... but it's just so much easier to buy things on impulse. cooked a salty meal just now; think oyster sauce is one of the most brilliant inventions! haha u can use it on anything and it will taste fine. cooked oyster and soy sauce chicken, which turned out a little too salty but edible nonetheless =) i htink i am becoming better at anyhow whipping up dishes and mixing everything together.....

shall just type something short before my intended 'hibernation' at the library to study for econ 100b midterm later till dinnertime... and hopefully that can salvage my terrible state of knowledge of macroecons.... =) it's strange how i usually get and remain confused about the stuff i learn.. till like the last minute, when i seriously study for them.... though of course sometimes i remain confused... but usually i can clear up some stuff... and econ 100b esp bad for me, cos due to my slackness in my hws i have gotten 2 checks already and i suspect the most recent one i will get a check minus!! =( ya so better study hard for midterm.
52L came so late today and i was late for class... and when i stepped in to the lecture hall the instructor stopped and i thought everyone just stared at me.. =( oh no.. so terrible.. i had better get up earlier to take the 730 bus from now on.... sometimes when u are stuck at the bench and bus stop waiting for the bus stop u just can't hlep but wish there were taxis sometimes... and talking about taxis i think i was quite terrible yesterday.. sigh impose on ppl. negative externalities of my actions. sigh. ok shall go and study.... can't wait for midterm to be over tmr..... then can do more fun stuff again.. =)