was just reading through all my past entries just now and i have come to the conclusion that i am probably suffering from depression... and this feeling became much more acute esp after feeling so intensely that other ppl are capable of feeling so happy while i am not... shiyun raved about her skiing trip after she came back on saturday.... read faith's blog and i can't help but feel so happy for her as well as marvel at all the emotions and 'intricate' thoughts she pens down about all her experiences... while i feel that i am always plagued by feelings of self-doubt, inability to concentrate on studying and paranoid thoughts about my friends suddenly all ignoring me or disliking me etc. i'ts not that i really want to think about them, but somehow they just creep up... my resolution to be more positive has not 'failed' cos i am trying to combat these negative emotions, but i just wonder how long i can last and how long will i take to win this battle.... i am not even sure if i was alwasy like that, or have i jsut grown worse over the past few months. i feel like it really affects my relationships with people because my constant worrying about unecessary stuff prevents me from thinking about new stuff, absorbing new information, wanting to participate in activities.... etc etc. i really want to be happy.... but it always seems like an illusion
hope goign back to sg, goign to tokyo can alleviate my mood... but with finals just round the corner, i wonder how i will perform. i hope my grades wun be too adversely affected.... maybe i should really go see a doctor when i go home or something.... and my dad has promised to embark on a mission to make me exercise to rid of all the excess fats that i hav accumulated over the past few months..... =P but with so much cheap good food at home, i wonder how successful he would be?