i find it scary how everyone seems fine with one another on the surface but can be totally pissed with certain ppl deep down... the scary part is that you can't tell. it's scary how certain people can get so good at it... and i'm not good at telling... but it's also interesting how ppl u thought were best friends totally cannot stand each other... just listening to some ppl bitch about some ppl in the program just reminded me once again how fake we all can be...
today i felt an urge to volunteer in some village in rural China for a month or so, to understand how these ppl live... do com service and learn. but i wonder if the need-to-blog everyday, will-die-without-hot-shower-water me is up to it... i think sometimes i really need to remind myself how fortunate i actually am. i feel like I am always complaining about trivial things that bother me... tsk tsk.

i feel schizo again. suddenly feel very depressed and xian for no reason today. actually i suspect i know the reason but just feels eeky. i think when u are in ur little world with no one to compare to or no one to upset your 'equilibrium' you can get on forever feeling fine. and so in class today i felt really upset with nothing to contribute to the class discussion and the fact that the class only had like 12 ppl or so exacerbated it. and wrote a not so good paper for class today. and have another response paper due tmr morning. dunno what to write. feel like i can't write well enough. cannot analyse things properly. am getting paranoid that i have no topic for my research paper... thinking about old problems... imagining new probs...

i think i have gotten into a habit of blogging so frequently that it just feels weird if i dun pen down my thoughts when i have things i want to say. i wanted to wish everyone who frequents this blog a Happy Chinese New Year. and to a particulr individual who has been taunting me with insensitive questions of whether i was having steamboat for dinner, no i didn't have steamboat but had an enjoyable dinner... albeit at a totally non-Chinese restaurant... Cheesescake factory! haha. but it was one of the most pleasant dinners i have ever had since i came here, as well as one of the most 'international' ones, in that there was one Scottish girl, one German guy, two Americans, two HongKongers and one Singaporean girl...me! two Hong Kong girls staying across the hall just happened to ask if i wanted to have Chinese New Year dinner with them and their roommates and a few others and so i readily agreed, for i didn't really want to eat yucky food for new year's eve... and it turned out to be pretty fun and informative, for all these ppl were really nice and open.... quite unlike people in my own program, rather unfortunately, who aren't as friendly and are generally more cliquish. maybe for the first time in my life here, i truly felt how great it is to be able to meet ppl from everywhere when u study in the US.. doubt i would really get to know them that well and they would be leaving prob end March, but still glad to have hung out with them briefly for the evening... sadly at the expense of completing my mini paper due tmr. which i haven't done yet and ti's 118 am and i am veyr tired and i am going to sleep.... and i shall tou lan at work tmr to try to complete it.....

the weather has grown considerably warmer and so i walked to work today! and back too. and saved $2.70 on metro. takes about 25 min each way and allows me to exercise.. so why not? just that i think i will prob be too lazy on some days to walk home after a whole day of work. but i shall attempt to start a 'walking regime' if the weather permits. it's like the coldest berk weather now, but it feels warm... after freezing these past few weeks.. can save like $10 a week... $40 a month... $120 for the next 3 months! haha but knowing me i think i wun be so consistent...
am getting a sore throat cos have been stuffing myself with tortilla chips and have been attempting to finish my devil's food choc cake and hav been suffering from the twix syndrome. all of which culminated in a very bad throat. i will distance myself from these items hopefully in the next few days. record of the month: i only spent $3.50 for the whole of today, on lunch... =P

i started watching naruto.. downloaded like 5 episodes to entertain myself since on weekends i dun hav anywhere to go or anyone to really go out with. feel veyr happy to be re-associated with jap and glad that i still undrstand certain words but i have problem understanding without the eng subtitles though. sad. but will prob stop watching. takes ages to download one episode and i'm lazy. =P baked a cake for the first time this morning, but used a cake mix, so that's cheating... cos it's such convenient finger food, more than half the cake has disappeared.... went grocery shopping this morning and coincidentally bumped into a singaporean mum... i just heard someone saying a certain kind of asparagus is fresher in a Singaporean accent and upon slight probing found out that she was the mum of some guy studying in Georgetown. random. and made linguine with pasta sauce, button mushrooms, spinach and cherry tomatoes, after trying a similar dish in the Woodrow Wilson cafeteria. didn't turn out exactly the same, but somewhat like the original. i will be having that at least once again this week, since i couldn't hav cooked everything at one go. maybe that will be my sad new year's eve dinner on tues. =P

i had an oreo milkshake today! at Potbelly Sandwich Works, a reasonably-priced sandwich place near home. think it's the first time in a few weeks that i'm eating ice cream... a remarkable feat for me considering how i've always had ice cream in my fridge in Albany. but it's good. can save money and not get fat. unfortunately..... i bought a packet of Twix minis from Safeway cos it was on offer and i have eaten ten of them today...
haven't touched any work since Friday. have been eating tons of sandwiches over the past few days... wished i had D&A here. and an asian food fan, then can share and go to Penang. oh well. visited two more musuems today but they weren't as good. but was still amazed by the mineral collection at the natural history museum.... i can't help but marvel at the variety of minerals and the diff shapes, forms, colors..... and the beauty of it all is that it's natural beauty. my roommate and i are somewhat isolated from the rest of the ppl in the program... but we tried. just that the ppl dun really seem very receptive. oh well. at least i hav someone to do things with still... i just hope we wun get sick of each other from hanging out rather frequently =P

after tidying up my room a little (still lil messy) i decided to take a picture of it =P nothing fancy, but furniture and facilities are pretty new, so satisfactory lah.
writing a book seems like a very long and tedious process i wonder how all these authors do it. my prof has to go to her office everyday to work on whatever she has....and she has so much info, everywhere... it just seems impossible to even organize everything. she admits that sometimes when she reads what she has written last time, she is amazed that she actually managed to put such a book together. i think i'll never be able to do that, considering how i have problems writing even a 20 page paper haha. and i guess i'm not that brainy either. and to think that there are like so many scholars in the woodrow wilson center working on their respective books. lotsa brilliant brains out there.

my side of the room... erm... it's usually not this neat haha.  

visited the Library of Congress today to check out if there's any stuff relevant to my internship and research....it claims to be the largest library in the world... took 10 min to make a reader registration card which allows u to enter the reading rooms...it's free! once again very pleased by how this city is so research-friendly...books can't be borrowed out by the public though. the librarian at the Asian Reading room was nice and i discovered they hav two online databases on China, with up-to-date periodicals and stuff. wonder if i will end up using the resources there, but it's good to know what's out there =) then walked down Pennsylvania Ave to hunt for lunch and found this eatery with the new york style pay according to how heavy ur food is thingy. finally some place with cheap sushi. can eat there next time when i go to the library. though not that cheap also lah. DC has so many nice sandwich shops and coffee joints for working folks... if only i were richer =P
everyone is out at instructor's apartment watching state-of-the-union address but dunno why everyone is not home yet. feel blissful to have the whole apartment to myself haha... and fickle me decided not to drop my politics and ethics class after all.

feel a little left out that i can't celebrate the two birthdays in berkeley and am stuck here with a paper to write. on why there was such a high voter turnout in the 2004 elections and reason it out according to how the two authors we have read will assess this. sigh. i guess i can do something decent if i had the motivation but then i just dun really hav the motivation and am like being =( about it. bad attitude. after this, i shall go and write..... aiyah but i am fine lah. dun feel depressed or anything, just that it would hav been nice to hav been able to join in the birthday celebrations!
decided to drop my politics and ethics class today and i wanted to go under units but then realized it's a huge hassle. have to call up L and S and financial aid and tell scholarship ppl etc etc... sigh. so i'll probably switch to the otehr class, which is not that heavy-going. and hopefully that will be interesting... not that i am super busy, but like stuck with things i am not like highly interested in. i iwould rather devote all my time to doing work for my professor...

read about the slashing of the Chinese syllabus from P1 to Sec4.... that's sad. what would kids learn in future if this goes on. maybe they wun even be able to converse properly in Chinese anymore. well ok not that i can, but things seem to be going down the drain. and am somewhat disappointed by those parents they interviewed.... "so will the chapters that aren't going to be taught going to come out in exams"... sigh. quite sad. i guess i feel a little strongly cos i quite enjoy what i am reading. though it's dense and like kinda tiring to plough through, if i am in a good mood and eyes not tired, i really enjoy reading what i read. =) but am turning into a couch potato, sitting either at the computer or table all day doing translation or reading. and get quite tired when i get home. yet hav to do readings for my class. =( wish i didn't hav to take the elective class on wed nights.

was sorely disappointed with my dinner. went to daobao from malaysia kopitiam, expecting yummy authentic yellow and white hokkien mee... =( unfortunately it turned out to be some highly soya-saucy udon like noodles which tasted fine but not at all like the hokkien mee i wanted to eat. and paid $10 for it. =(
continued visiting some museums at the mall today. still like the holocaust one best. visited the air and space musuem, which was not that interesting. had a preview of the national gallery of art and the national archives. bought a really cool Monet magnet set from the museum shop. it has so much cool arty stuff but of course not very affordable. wanted to visit the natural history museum but there wasn't time. guess i'll go back next time. lost a glove. =( i wish it would stop snowing. and that the temperatures would go up. i'm rather sick of having to dress warmly every time i go out. i wish it were just above 0 degrees. then it would be at least more comfortably cold... and then my skin wouldn't get so dry and itch. a new york times article i read today had some tips from experts. apparently to prevent your skin from itching u can put oatmeal in your bath (which sounds gross) or baking soda (which sounds gross too) and alas! i don't have a bath, only a lousy shower that 'leaks' cos it only has a shower curtain...

nice reflections but not spectacular =P it's a little hard to imagine how the work that goes on inside this building impacts millions in the developing world huh....  

went out after class to explore my surroundings and discovered many sandwich places all around.. seems like washingtonians really like hanging out in these cool cafes.... unfortunately they aren't cheap though. also discovered the World Bank Infoshop yesterday online while at work... so i walked down to the store and it's amazing... the collection they hav there.. there are so many publications on development.... i was really excited looking at their selection, nerdy as it sounds. attempted to enter the world bank and IMF too but non-employees aren't allowed inside and security is really tight. so i'll hav to wait till april to do their monthly tour, to get a glimpse of what's inside....

i'm so schizo. today was much better than yesterday. or rather, i was just feeling more cheerful, so that's good. but it was an interesting day too. well had to ruch a response paper last night for my politics and ethics class yesterday night, which partially explains my bad mood i suppose. sat in a video screening "God Sleeps in Rwanda" during lunch hour and got to learn about the key roles women played in Rwanda in rebuilding a country ravaged by genocide. These women went through so much, but everyone's still emotionally strong and living with so much hope. puts me to shame really. i like how my center always has events, such as talks, book launches and stuff that i can go to. =) then i got to talk to my prof today and got to know a little more about her research.... i quite enjoy working for her and i hope i can really help her with her book. my translation thus far has been satisfactory and though i am not the fastest nor most accurate translator around, i guess i roughly fulfill her expectations, so that's good. and i am enjoying myself, learning about the ideas of this Chinese intellectual, Kang Xiaoguang. haha. that is quite random. and on the way back to my dorm room i met the black janitor who came to our room to clean up last week, whom my roommate very politely thanked. and so i said hi to him and to my surprise he was very pleased maybe and passed me this hiphop cd with 3 songs. haha. that was really random; i only regret how i dun really know how to appreciate hiphop...
and my roommate somehow pointed out that i was a little discriminatory, that i only liked to talk to my Singaporean frens online. hmm i was quite upset for a while, but i guess it was good that she was frank enough to tell me that... i guess i do things so subconsciously and i dun really know how ppl feel about me doing what i do, or what i don't do. but i'll try to talk more to her i guess and be more open and try to be more receptive towards new ppl i meet. in fact, it was actually a good reminder for me. why did i come here? did i come here to be sticky and AS just like i was in my own room or did i come here to accomplish something else and learn? i guess these are some things for me to think about. haha but i do miss my nice cosy full bed and comforter in my Albany room. and my nice toilet, and the good shower.

guess the initial excitement of being in a new place is wearing out and i'm beginning to think about what my next 15 or so weeks here will be like... nothing is bad at this moment but i'm just thinking i might get tired of having to read in the library everyday... or having to be around people you have to be cordial to consciously everytime.... i guess it will be kinda tiring. but oh well... i guess my worryey self has returned to haunt me today... and worried i will end up not writing a good research paper, that i will feel very lonely when everyone else is happening and i'm just hanging around at home... that i might get too clingey messaging ppl who come online to ask them how they are when they are going about their own lives... but i guess one good thing is that i have so much work that i cannot possibly spend a lot of time worrying. so that's good. if i can actually focus and concentrate on what i have to do that is....
well perhaps i can be consoled that i discovered two malaysian restaurants two blocks away from home on my way back from work today... i suppose i can treat myself to some yummy dishes when i'm feeling homesick =P

read about one chapter of my chinese book today in the Woodrow Wilson Library. bumped into my internship officer at the lunchroom and some other scholar from UK joined us and i was feeling all weird trying to fit into the conversation.... but it was fine i suppose. just a little intimidating how during lunch all the scholars working there go for lunch there and i'm like hmm... i'll just hide in one corner haha. but no lah didn't intentionally do that...set in a talk in the auditorium but got bored listening to them debating about republicans taking over congress... then went back to lib and finished up my chapter then went home. met two interns from Georgetown Uni in the intern room and they were pretty nice. hope i get to see them again =) and came home and did laundry.... and so ends my proper work day... lots of reading to do for my research seminar on friday... and the politics and ethics elective i chose to take... which is due on wed evening. but i havne't even collected the thick stack of notes yet. and hav to do a memo due on wed night... aargh. hope my eyesight doesnt worsen significantly by the end of the semester cos i foresee myself doing a lot of reading... in the library...
also tried to iron my shirts but i am quite bad at it. =( and bought starch to spray on the shirts, cos according to my roommate they make shirts 'crisper'... erm but they dun seem to work. and i feel grossed out how blotches of starch fall on my nice shirts and leave faint stains when i iron over them.... wun my shirts get starchier and starchier by the end of the semester?!

just came up after freezing for 10 min or so in pajamas under extreme cold after a false fire alarm... aaargh... after receiving news that it would snow today, my roommate and i went out so that we could experience the snow and take some nice pics. unfortunately the forgetful me forgot to charge my cam battery so didn't end up with many pics...
visited the D.C. Holocaust Memorial Museum this afternoon and it was a very educational but depressing experience. all the smithsonian museums in d.c. have free admission, so i might as well visit most of them during my stay here =) unfortunately the american art one will only be reopening in July 2006.
it is just so apalling how fellow members of the human race can be so cruel and cold-hearted. to use jews for medical expts... hitler carried out a clandestine operation to wipe out many disabled ppl, to 'purify' the Aryan race... it is so horrible to make ppl believe that they are going for a shower when in reality everyone is just going to be gassed. and it is chilling to imagine the extent of devastation and desperation the few ppl in power can create...
on the other hand, i'm heartened and thankful for those compassionate souls out there who went all out to help Jews escaping their fate. total strangers yet bound by a moral duty to rescue these innocent souls. i wonder, had i been faced with a similar situation, would i have had the courage to do such a thing?

a short excerpt from a postcard at the gift store, intended for a display showing a mountain of shoes left over by millions of Jews who perished during the Holocaust:

"We are the shoes, We are the last witnesses. We are shoes from grandchildren and grandfathers, from Prague, Paris and Amsterdam, And because we are only made of fabric and leather, And not of blood and flesh, Each one of us avoided the hellfire"
Moses Schulstein, Yiddish Poet

out in the snow in the vicinity of the National Mall... 

thought i wouldn't be able to get in today cos we were stuck in a human jam for at least an hour and a half before ppl started moving forward. there were loads of ppl today.... quite revealing how many of the ppl who attended were whites? having been here for a week... i dun think the racial makeup here in dc is that homogeneously white....
i still haven't gotten over the snow! today on the way home my roommate and i passed by a little park covered with fresh snow... and she xin xue lai chao and made a tiny snowman... and so we tried to take pictures. but i was careless and so the head dropped off. and when i picked it up it had a distorted head and somehow i coudn't shape it back... but it was fun... i want to make more snowmen =P but dun hav appropriate gear for it... i dunno why i am so drawn to snow even though i have seen snow before like at Tahoe.. maybe in the middle of a city with all the buildings and other structures, the natural beauty of snow just stands out more? and i love how snow kinda 'records' traces of everything... like i saw squirrel footprints. human footprints... fresh snow is just so pristine and beautiful.... =)