have been lazy and not writing for the past few days. today marks the end of jing and her sis's stay at my place... and my room is 'empty' once again... after having spent more than a week with jing and about a week with her sis, our 'outings' seem to have become routine and i feel a little strange now with their absence. but today also marks the trickling in of berkeley freshmen in preparation for summer school...suddenly it's quite 're nao' here all over again... i really wonder what it will be like. one part of me wants to start school and learn new things and stimulate my brain cells again while the other part of me just wants to relax and bum around and do nothing as i have kind of been doing for the past few weeks.

had an amazingly long dinner just now for 8 people... we exhausted all our pots and pans and cutlery... it's kinda fun to have many people eating in the house but then it's seriously pretty time consuming.. food preparation... washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen etc.... somehow at dinner i could feel the familiar berkeley ppl dinner again.... but i somehow feel that things may be a little different now, or that things will be different in summer or from now on, since we are no longer living in the dorms. i'ts nearly 2 am and i think i am getting less and less clear minded... been out the whole day fruit picking in Brentwood; having eaten at least 4 peaches, apricots, plums and cherries and having walked under the scorching sun the whole afternoon i feel really burnt and somewhat drained... but it was fun though, the refreshing experience of some country fun and more interaction with nature? thoughts are really getting disorganized and messy rite now..... sometimes i really dunno what i feel about certain things or sometimes i really can't help feeling a certain way though i dun want to.....so terrible. somtimes i feel really independent and am secretly contented with my independence and 'self-sufficiency' but then at times i just feel like i want someone to do everything for me.... sometimes i think i can get a little possessive... but when u start to hold things too tightly to urself there's always the danger of repellence... i wonder if everyone feels as contradictory at some point in time?