had a totally unproductive day today!! =( searched in vain for more tickets to chicago but found none... so prob wun be able to realize holiday plans... cleaned up my room a little.... baked scones for lunch.... it's pretty cool to hav an oven in the house, cos due to well stocked supermarts in the US u can easily buy all kinds of mixes and then produce pastries without much hassle =P next time when i hav more time then i shall experiment using real recipes.... then tried bread crumb coated chicken for dinner and it turned out pretty fine =) sigh. but just feel a general sense of 'xian-ness' yet not motivated to do any work. sigh. depressed.
just went for a ride in yingping's new car! his car is really big and spacious.. and the exterior looks really new and pretty sleek. now so many ppl hav cars.... at times i really do feel like getting a car too.... but then again sometimes i wonder if i should let peer pressure get me... as in i think that i am so 'domesticated' or like inactive sometimes that getting a car wouldn't be maximizing my utility.... and i might underutilise the car... my car might just be sitting there in the parking lot collecting dust =P really dunno. i think i'm getting more and more isolated somehow... dunno why i have that feeling though. quite strange. i think i'm quite strange i'm getting quite AS somehow?? dunno. and sometimes i seriously feel a lack of intelligence... aargh. self-deprecating thoughts again.
called my sis today... i realize that i seldom talk to her.. quite sad. and somehow though she tells me very non-serious and sometimes kiddish stuff i just feel fun playing along with her... =) feel that i have somewhat neglected many relationships with ppl back home... i seriously hope that when i go back in dec i wouldn't feel that there is a serious lack of conversation topics... cos i will be very sad if that happens. somehow i jsut have a feeling that i'm gettin somewhat socially inadept. i dunno why too.... maybe it's cos i hardly talk much to ppl nowadays? hmmm where does all my self-doubt arise from....i think sometiems its so deceptive. like sometimes u just get disillusioned with urself.. then u need someone to tell reassure u that u are fine etc... but then again when ppl console u they tend to say nicer things, things that will lift ur spirits so it may not be true in the first place. but then sometiems somehow we feel better to have heard such 'nice' things.... and i'ts not to say that these ppl are really deceiving u or anything, they are nice to be there for u definitely... hmm nmind i think i am just getting incoherent, too late at night.....