when i first saw my grade for my Chinese paper (written in English) my first instinct was that my prof was being really harsh and that i probably really didn't deserve that grade... and i even asked how the class fared... and later tried to justify my grade with the knowledge that even with 4 grad students in the class there was only one A-.... shifting blame to him... but on hindsight, after going for office hours to talk about it, i concede that i really didn't do a good job. yes, he might be a little strict, but not unreasonable... and after reviewing some errors i made, i figured i really did write a mediocre paper... which reminds me how it's so easy/tempting to grow complacent if one receives good grades consistently... there's always room for improvement but we don't always consistently progress in that direction, whatever the reason might be... and so my next challenge is to try to get an A from him (instead of secretly cursing how evil and harsh he is; in fact, on the contrary, he's actually a very approachable and friendly prof)
also didn't do too well for history midterm.. i almost failed my IDs!! haha. i just am rather bad at giving these nitty gritty details. and so i have to work extra hard to churn out a good response paper on Saturday. seriously i'm so tired from doing work all week... but sigh. just two more days and i can finally rest on Sunday. it helps though that we are starting to read texts on Mao Zedong, which i find really interesting. =)

after turning in my prob set and reading through my notes i feel like at least i kinda understand my 142 class material... only that i prob wun ace my exams. it's actually pretty cool stuff, just not really my cup of tea. can't decide if i should change it to p/np though. let's see how my MT goes on thurs. and decided to drop in at KC's office finally to ask some questions... i went in at 420 and before i knew it it was like 530 and i think i learnt the answers to 2 econometrics questions, along with what hormone replacement therapy is, how to deal with ppl who just BS, how sharp KC's doctor has to be given that he knows all these stats about all these health studies etc....and when i checked my watch and got a shock how he actually went on for like an hour, think he noticed my expression and coudln't help laughing at himself either... and so i happily trotted down to MLK building at around 540, thinking that i prob shouldnt' be too late for the talk on poverty by Senator John Edwards (doors open at 530), only to be greeted by this snaking line that reached right up to the Dwinelle courtyard... but still managed to get in =)

hmm. actually i'm so tempted to share some really funny things KC said in class today... but i guess i shouldn't. my turn to practise self-control. anyway, this is random, but a couple of days ago, while reading things related to still-up-in-the-air thesis, i came across a blog with a pictorial summary of some of the issues i care about.... and such injustice probably isn't an isolated example. actually, it's prob not just limited to China, either...

for the very first time, before getting into bed himself, Kai ran to my door and said precociously, "Go get into bed!". aww.

i think i'll go mad soon. spent half of yest and half of today trying to figure out my econometrics prob set 2 rather unsuccessfully. 142 shall be the BANE of my already low econ GPA... and i'm past the point of no return (cannot change to P/NP anymore!!!) can't believe i took a fatal class that i dun even need just cos prof says amusing random things in class.... aaarrgh. but still maintain that KC is a good teacher and have to admit i have been neglecting class material the past few weeks...

can feel that i'm finally getting better and so feel really thankful =P but it also means that i'm gonna start binging again cos the precious eat-too-much-will-feel-uncomfortable feeling is starting to subside.... sometimes i wish the stomach wasn't expandable; that way when you finish your proper meals then it says... uh-oh... i'm full. then i can't eat anything else. haha. but then if that really happens i'll complain why stomach so rigid, dun give me space for dessert... =P
was really excited when Telebears started on Tues cos i thought i could sign up for this digital animation art class... unfortunately i misread the prerequisites... and i only fulfilled 1 out of 3. =( but i signed up for Visual Studies 181, which is Introduction to Photography.... unfortunately that gives priority to students from College of Environmental Design so i might not get it in the end either.... ASUC art studio actually offers a class on Digitial Video come this Oct 26, but it's like 100 something bucks for think 5 lessons! too poor to afford it. must save up to travel this Winter =P

so i've kinda been conditioned to daily after-meal bloatedness and weird grumbling noises and i can't even bear to think about what's going on inside. just hope everything will be ok again soon. and was also thinking that i now perhaps have an inkling of what many hunger-stricken African kids are going through... only perhaps ten times worse. my mild bloating and other unpleasant symptoms have already caused me a lot of discomfort; i can now totally imagine how awful it must be to have stomach viruses in your tummy all the time. it's not like i haven't seen pics of starving kids with distended abdomens before... it's just that i NEVER really wondered how that might feel like... now that i can imagine the pain they must be going through.. it's really quite upsetting. but then, what's the use of me feeling sorry for them, like it would lift their suffering... ONLY if i can do something about it one day, will such feelings of sympathy be of some use right. =(

apple sauce tastes pretty bad (well at least the one i got does; not sure if they all taste the same but don't care to venture) why do ppl even eat it! esp babies/toddlers/kids at CHAI/my little housemate...well actually i can kinda understand lah. i mean it's pretty nutritious and easy to swallow and digest i guess. i feel sorry for them. esp for babies, who can't even protest. i shall just revert back to eating normal stuff cos i'm really not that ill. =P

i can't get back to sleep with funny noises in my stomach and so i decided to look up the EVIL stomach virus disease... also termed Gastroenteritis, apparently. and very unfortunately i am now almost 90% sure i contracted this... and i feel like it's worsening instead of subsiding.. and it also sucks that no medicine helps.... 2 more random facts after my surfing on the internet-- apparently it is one of the most common acute illnesses in the US and it can last from a couple of days to say around 10 DAYS!....!!! i will die of dehydration and starvation by then.... ok just exaggerating. i think my case isn't that bad since i haven't been vomiting. but feel weak and may skip some classes later, though will try hard not to. and i will be thriving on things like bananas and apple sauce perhaps for next couple of days.... *casts myself a pitiful look* =P

after consulting the 'advice nurse' at the Tang Center i figured that i prob didn't get detergent poisoning but instead fell victim to some evil stomach bug. (ha, to think that i totally underestimated my body's ability to expel toxic compounds!) and apparently there has been a few going around and since it's contagious i prob caught it from someone... sigh. how unfortunate. and so i am expected to feel horrible for a few more days and no medicine can cure my discomfort since it's (according to her) some kinda virus attack. oh well. i mean i can function properly, just perhaps at 75% of original energy level. and meals are merely to prevent myself from getting gastric pains and i barely enjoy whatever i eat. it must really suck to have anorexia...

i'm quite positive i poisoned myself else why would i be suddenly feeling nauseous these 2 days for no reason... aargh. now i feel like throwing up at the sight of my chips... felt better after sleeping a whole lot yest night, but then it's coming back to haunt me again. it had better go away soon else it would spoil my entire week. VERY thankful that problem set deadline has been extended to next tuesday... hmm so anyway i think i poisoned myself cos i think i might have accidentally ingested some detergent yesterday. was washing my waterbottle with detergent.. then was in rush to catch the bus so i suspect i didn't get all the bubbles out. then in sch i discovered this layer of bubbles floating on top and realized that i actually drank a mouthful earlier before going out of the house (of course, without realizing that it was contaminated...) so now i'm wondering if body is reacting to the tiny amt of detergent in stomach?? but can't really tell what happened either.. maybe i was too stressed over midterm? maybe got heat stroke. aargh. nmind, at least it spoils my appetite and i can jian fei in the meantime ha.

when we fall

am reminded that we really can't tell when each of us will meet with unexpected problems/ frustrating incidents/weak moments... and also struck by how independent and strong each of us has to (or has to learn to) be, with no families close by to fall back on whenever things crop up. and it's gratifying to feel like i can be a 'shoulder' for someone to lean on, to be a tiny source of comfort to a friend... definitely no substitute for a family member or a close loved one... but don't think that matters...

nice ppl.

i suddenly really miss my mum after discovering this little thing she did for me which was so sweet. so i have this top with a hole in it... and though i've always meant to sew it up i never really got down to doing it... then yest when i pulled out the top to wear it (and to reaffirm that hole hadn't maliciously expanded) i couldn't find it... and came to the realization that my mum must have mended it when i brought that top home over summer... just felt like giving her a big hug at that point... am also very thankful to someone who has been a really great host, to the extent that i had to (at times) fight over sleeping on the floor... =P

decided that i deserved a mini break after my midterm, so went with Sumei to Elephant Pharmacy to rent a movie.... and we found this 1994 Jet Li Movie- Zhong1 Nan2 Hai3 Bao3 Biao1, which we both watched on TV a long long time ago! and so i got really excited and decided to rent it. =P it's not GREAT, but nonetheless enjoyable... and some parts i was just like shuai4 dai1 le! er, not that he's very shuai4 lah and i am NOT a Jet Li fan btw...just some scenes... ha, but of course, falling in love with your bodyguard is somewhat far-fetched lah...
oh well, it's back to more work this weekend...

Xun2 Ren2 Qi3 Shi4

Crystal, if you read this blog, can u drop me an email? haven't heard from you since you left for Cambridge... and think you changed your email add...

1220 am now. couldn't concentrate half the time in class today; haven studied AT ALL for history midterm on thursday; have to move out temporarily for another 3 days starting tmr and there's just so many things on my mind... and it doens't help that the next 2 weeks will be lined with more midterms and deadlines. aargh. but i'm not upset or anything... just need to really focus on the correct things. =(

oh dear. i have problems keeping my hands off pita chips, my new favorite snack! (packet says 40% less fat than potato chips, so that's a consolation....but i'm also sure that's written to deceive ppl like me) though they really do taste like croutons (but think smashed up and flattened...) they are pretty addictive... =P perhaps it's a good thing that they are rather pricey... and i'm poor... so my craving will pass..

thanks to ziyang this morning, i got a taste of sailing at Berkeley Marina... it was nice going out 'to sea' in such great weather but it really wasn't VERY fun, unlike what i was told to believe, cos it's just like sitting in any other boat what. ha. and quite slow.... but then i thought it was fun that Siswi and I prob made ZY puke blood when he let us steer the boat and we kept going round in circles... for at least 15 min or so. have to admit it's probably not that easy to learn how to sail properly.... ha but considering how we prob took ONE HOUR to get the whole thing into the water, (and i wasn't even the one tying the knots ha) it's just too much of a chore for me to want to learn how to do it =P and not that worth all the trouble ha. and actually.... the most fun (but really COLD, cos obstinate me refused to wear those stinky wet suits everyone puts on haha) bit was when we intentionally capsized, despite my initial protests...

i went on my first home visit today with another volunteer at CHAI and it was pretty fun, though child fell asleep halfway. honestly every fri morning i feel like going back to sleep after alarm clock goes off at 730am, but somehow once i'm there time passes by really quickly and before i know it it's like 530pm already. it's definitely one of the best volunteer progs i've participated in so far. the staff is really approachable, friendly and extremely 'democratic'... and though i don't know any of the other volunteers well, it nonetheless feels very comfortable. i'm still not doing that much cos i'm still very inexperienced... but at least i'm making myself useful these days =P

sometimes i walk out of econ 142 wondering if i learnt more econometrics or more random (but sometimes awareness-raising) things... well but at least i appreciate how kc doesn't impose his views on you... he always tries to qualify that's what he thinks. just that he has slight difficulty keeping those views to himself ha. =P ok i think i'm unwittingly devoting too much blog space to 142...
should finally give some credit to Econ 181 (international trade) cos Ann Harrison's a really good lecturer, classes have been enjoyable and i doubt i mentioned anything about it so far. i really liked her presentation on Globalization and Poverty today... it's just a summary of her upcoming book... hope this link leads you to the site with downloadable chapters. makes me want to write Econ thesis on something related to things she presented...(this is random, but she also included some images to illustrate certain points she wanted to make; and i really appreciated that...i feel like i've def grown more sensitive to images and how ppl use them) but i also know that before randomly approaching her and saying can you give me thesis ideas or something... i should prob read up more on my own. which i always want to do... but i often find myself having to devote my very short weekend to finishing sch work, with hardly that much time left to read all the papers i want to read. but ya, i dun only like her lectures.. i like her style of teaching and how she presents her findings... and i'm probably being too idealistic here... cannot even find a topic for PEIS yet then now dreaming about writing a good Econ one...

1 "revelation" (that i can identify with) and 2 compliments (for me!)

we were just talking about epsilons and error terms in class and as usual, it created opportunity for digression. and so kc was making jokes about frats before revealing that actually he was in one too... and thinking back about things he did... said something to the effect of "things you thought were ok when you were 18 are really not so ok as you age"... i dunno i think it's so true. how as you age your perceptions of things change... i don't think you even need 10 (or more) yrs... even 3 yrs is enough...ok. maybe wisdom does not necessarily come with age. but guess many things change over time. your mindset? though some things really dun. aargh. ha ok dunno what's my point. =P
we also got back our history response papers today and i felt really happy that my GSI actually said to me, "I really enjoyed reading your paper, it was very well-written".... u know, seriously, now that i look back on all the papers i've written over the past 3 yrs... i can't even count how many crappy ones i wrote. ok not that this one's perfect or extremely outstanding or anything, but at least upon completion i felt that at least i think i'm 'getting there'... i wasn't sure if it was a well-written one cos i still had some questions and doubts, but at least i felt that i was kind of thoughtful and slightly clearer than before...
then today i bumped into one Chinese class classmate bout 2 hours after class and he said, "i think you have some talent in photography".... that was really encouraging...i know that i still cannot take very good pictures but i'm definitely motivated to improve further =) i hope i'm not being very egoistic blogging about these tiny compliments i got today... it just makes me childishly happy when ppl have positive comments to make... =P
and faintly connected to these incidents-- i have very recently started toying with the idea of incorporating images into my thesis cos after all i still dun hav anything very focused... i was looking for books in the lib when i chanced upon this book on Chinese propaganda posters in the 20th century.... they were just very fascinating and intriguing.... i'm thinking.. i can take a totally different angle in looking at state and society relationships, via analyzing these images... and it would be something really close to my heart too, cos incorporating art and politics/history would be really quite fun for me (i think)

ok no more happy stuff to share. i will have a scary moment tmr, cos i committed myself to explaining in person to prof who misunderstood me that time by signing up for his office hours tmr... cos he didn't reply to my email...though i really do fear having to deal with a situation like this, i also know that it really wun do me any harm to explain to him in person... just need some courage i guess. i'm quite useless, still bit nervous though i didn't do any kui xin shi. but i also figured that i was also in the wrong and it's actually not very unreasonable of him to come to the conclusion he came to. if it really turns out that after that he still chooses to think ill of me, at least i know that it's not worth getting upset over this anymore. =)