just 3 min of blogging before i go offline to study..... took bus back just now as usual, but not as usual i was actually talking to someone and that someone voluntarily talked to me.... and after 5 seconds i realized my mistake cos she then plonked herself in the empty seat beside me and kept talking to me... till the bus reached san pablo.... i couldn't help but feel a little scared cos she seemed a little not-very-right in the mind, saying how bus drivers are crazy... how she hates the smell of meat loaves..... asked me what i was studying and upon discovering it to be economics praised the money making opportunities upon graduation, alongside business ad.... that i should work in SF instead of Oakalnd... and when she asked me who i lived with i said 'two housemates' and she heard 2 husbands and started laughing loudly and claiming that i was weird and practised bigamy?!! was totally embarrassed but i couldn't tell her to go away for fear of offending her and hurting her as well... so i just entertianed her for the rest of her bus trip..... what a bizarre incident....
was pretty productive and did a bit of studying today, but i still have so much so much to study.. esp when i have so many articles for PEIS to summarize... and only like summarized 4 articles amongst like at least 20?? ok shall get backto work.... =)

lessons are officially over... and two weeks to home! had my jap finals the past two days... and i guess i wun be touching my "tekisuto" for some time..... this last week of sch was actually pretty interesting, with the conclusion of every class, it leaves me to really think about what i have learnt for the past few months... and like what is the point...... is it just maximizing and solving problems on my problem set. drawing and shifting my graphs the correct direction.... and aiming for good grades.... or should i actually try to gain 'larger lessons' about life... about the world i live in.... how should i put all that i have learnt to use in my life....? oh well.
and something quite bizarre happened... turns out that my GSI was so blur that he gave me the wrong grade on my paper, resulting in me doubting my abilities and getting depressed over my dismal grades this semester.... my paper wasn't THAT bad after all.... yay. but still hav to work really hard for my finals if i want a good grade though. this week saw me going for a free film feature at the pacific film archive, an old film about how the efforts of this tokyo woman goes unappreciated when her brother commits suicide upon finding out that she works at a cabaret (though in order to earn enough income to support him through uni).... it saw me going out for the first time maybe for dinner with arthur and sumei at chevys.... and going to the dc for dinner just now thanks to yingxin.... and actually tried to fill ziyang's petrol tank (or what do u call it.... =P) but failing miserably, so blur as to not even knowing which way to turn the 'cap'... or how to insert the 'thing' into the tank... aargh what do u call it... haha nmind i shall not even try to name it... to think that i want to buy a car... dun even know how to pump petrol....
came across this article randomly..... even professors cannot escape the fate of bad looks?

got back my peis paper and i got such a lousy grade it made me upset again... sigh. but i am going to ask my gsi to look through it again to see what's wrong cos i dun feel justified with the grade he gave.... and i watched a documentary on aids in lieu with world aids day and the victims were so ke lian it made me cry.... and i'm sure there are loads of such ppl all around the world, living each day knowing that they will die soon.... yet trying to lead normal lives, to enjoy the company of their loved ones while they are still healthy and mobile.... feel esp sorry for innocent victims.... and my admiration for dedicatead aids volunteers/doctors/nurses and everyone else who actively does his/her part to combat the spread of this disease is beyond words..... self-interested me just gets upset over grades and fails to see the larger picture. that there are so many more problems present in the world...
had no jap lesson today! so stayed home all day... hav to go sch at 4pm for lecture later though. cooked chou mein.....
jap finals tomorrow.... hope i will be productive today and tmr nite!

was just reading through all my past entries just now and i have come to the conclusion that i am probably suffering from depression... and this feeling became much more acute esp after feeling so intensely that other ppl are capable of feeling so happy while i am not... shiyun raved about her skiing trip after she came back on saturday.... read faith's blog and i can't help but feel so happy for her as well as marvel at all the emotions and 'intricate' thoughts she pens down about all her experiences... while i feel that i am always plagued by feelings of self-doubt, inability to concentrate on studying and paranoid thoughts about my friends suddenly all ignoring me or disliking me etc. i'ts not that i really want to think about them, but somehow they just creep up... my resolution to be more positive has not 'failed' cos i am trying to combat these negative emotions, but i just wonder how long i can last and how long will i take to win this battle.... i am not even sure if i was alwasy like that, or have i jsut grown worse over the past few months. i feel like it really affects my relationships with people because my constant worrying about unecessary stuff prevents me from thinking about new stuff, absorbing new information, wanting to participate in activities.... etc etc. i really want to be happy.... but it always seems like an illusion
hope goign back to sg, goign to tokyo can alleviate my mood... but with finals just round the corner, i wonder how i will perform. i hope my grades wun be too adversely affected.... maybe i should really go see a doctor when i go home or something.... and my dad has promised to embark on a mission to make me exercise to rid of all the excess fats that i hav accumulated over the past few months..... =P but with so much cheap good food at home, i wonder how successful he would be?

two days of thanksgiving break over.... cooked four dishes...but they didn't turn out that good cos first time cooking... and the recipes weren't that great.. or mabye ccos i didn't capture the essence of them all.. haha. and my cream sauce went awry and fettucini ended up dry with no sauce.... =P but spent such a long time cooking so tiring i shall never cook 4 new things at one go again =P had a pretty nice thanksgiving dinner among our batch ppl plus jacqui's fren and ziyang's sis but there was so much food i guess everyone ended up really really bloated....
then had cheesecakes at cheesecake factory in SF yest night and i think i am really overeating this holiday... and we might go down to raffles cafe this evening, so it might be MORE eating..... really hav to exercise wehn i go back to sg.. else i wun fit into anything anymore.. and cannot buy new clothes... i think i am still a little stingy, cos i feel that ultimately things here are still too expensive. and i know like if i buy something more than say maybe 40 bucks i will feel really really guilty and i will be reminded of what my parents used to say; that i am much more generous with my money even though i dun earn money.... really can't wait for finals to be over... i want to go home. 3 more weeks.

i'ts thanksgiving weekend.... and i am bumming in berkeley for the first time. feels good, that for once i am not rushing to pack all my stuff like 2 hours before leaving for some trip, with worries about not finishing my homework and stuff when i get back from the trip.... haah not that i will do a lot of work while i am here though. i really doubt it. i think i will prob be so lazy and wake up late everyday.... found this great recipe for twice baked potatoes... so prob will try that for our thanksgiving dinner on thursday...!
monday saw a really really terrible incident happen that i will remb always.... and having recovered from the initial shock and trauma i now see it as a good learning experience, though at a very very painful cost... plus harm inflicted on nice and innocent individuals.... but i guess i cannot keep brooding about it now, except to think of the best solution and be mature and rational and not sink into interminable? depression or anything.... guilt is one terrible emotion that really prevents u from concentrating on doing ur normal stuff....... but i guess i hav to accept that i'm not perfect and bound to make mistakes and as long as i learn from them and reflect upon my mistakes i should be on my path to being a better person....?

had a somewhat unusual weekend.... yest saw me going to ranch with jacqui and i actually bought something from the gift shop at ranch... haha. i think they actually sell a lot of cute stuff there, just that i never ever really look at them.... i dunno why too. it reminds me a bit of giftland in sg... just like more expensive of course.... but i saw this really lcute snoopy post it notes that i decided to get for my sis... =) and for first time bought chicken from the 'rice stall' at ranch for dinner... cos can't be bothered to cook any ''meat dish'' and the chicken looked pretty good..... and turns out that when i got home and decided to go take a nap before i cook i got a call from my housemate asking me if i could go usher for him cos he was stuck in traffic jam.. haha. and so i did.... and in the end ended up watching a play too that night.... the play was pretty good though. =) and then went for dinner at old's spaghetti factory just now with shiying and melvin and sumei and some seniors.... though the food wasn't like fabulous i hav to admit, it was really nice of them to ask me.... and i got to try this interesting ice cream flavor... spumoni or something, choc with strawberry and pistachio... then came back home and was so lazy i went to sleep..... and just woke up... so here i am.. havn'et done any work... better go and bathe and start on work soon... =P
aargh and my driving licence application actually expired!!! hav to go down to el cerrito dmv tmr to renew it, else they wun look at my driving licence application and i prob wun get my licence for a long time to come!

talked for quite a while with my sis! haven't talked to her for so long..... =) and for such a long duration of time.... =) i am really ultra 'swaku' i only recently realized that the singtel page allows u to send internet smses and as such i recently started sending random smses to my sis.. haha. or like to ask her to tell my mum to call me if my mum happens to call me and i happen to be away and dind't pick up her call.... =P have procrastinated and havne't gotten a new calling card since my calling card and singtel worldcards expired....
still sick... =( but gradually getting better though.... just hav an irritating cough.. mainly. i had better try my best to recover! finals in like 2 weeks' time and it would be terribly miserable if i were to be sick during that period! =) and less than a month to home!!! yay. would hav been away for like 11 months by dec 19....

time for a change?

perhaps its really time to make a concerted effort to shed off all my unfounded pessimism and negative thinking that has been impeding me from doing things properly... i sometimes try but usually i lapse back into my old self and self-depracating thoughts get the better of me somehow. i know i might not succeed even if i try hard..... but i shall try to continue and persevere and perhaps after some time i wil see some results... and perhaps then ppl will see a happier and more confident me on my blog.... perhaps faced with the same setbacks but seeing them in a different light... why do i keep thinking that i am inferior to others? or perhaps i need a psychologist... =P

been sleeping so much this week yet as tired as ever... can't rid of my irritating sore throat..... aargh. watched fear factor last night and there was this section whereby participants had to plunge their heads into huge 'plates' of gross stuff such as rotting fish guts and mealworms, then use their head to brush all these thigns away to uncover the numbers at the bottom.... it was really revolting. but it's amazing what money can entice ppl to do. and to trick other participants, these ppl also blatantly lied to each other... to put one another off guard.. sigh.... wonder to what extent will we betray our own integrity for the sake of money....
two more weeks of sch left.... i'ts really really fast. one more month before i'll be on a plane home!!! but i dun want to hav finals.. i really feel that i wun do well this semester. but it's not that i am not trying... i mean maybe i dun try hard enough? cos i usually get distracted from studying easily... worry about not-impt or frivolous things... glad there's thanksgiving holiday next weekend.... and glad that i didn't try to go LA or anywhere else now, cos i dunno i am in a very weird mood on the whole... very not on about doing anything exciting at all...

watched a movie on my laptop yesterday.... one of the things i havne't done for so long. and i surprised myself by crying so much throughout the movie that i think all the phlegm made me get a sore throat today!! haha or maybe it's also cos i was going to fall sick anyway..... anyway, this movie is titled 'the way home'. in a nutshell, it's about how this city kid goes to stay with his deaf and mute grandmother in the country... initially he despises her and calls her all sorts of awful names... but i think the love of his grandmother eventually touched him and made him guilty for being kinda mean to her.... such that eventually he reciprocated and it's just so sweet..... in the end, cos his grandma could neither talk nor write (though he innocently tried teaching her!) he drew many postcards, addressed to himself, with captions and pictures saying "i miss you" and "i am sick".... and i just felt so so touched..... guess this storyline isn't exactly very very original, and some ppl might find the pace of the movie somewhat slow... but i somehow have this soft spot for "non-mainstream" movies like these that try to bring out delicate human emotions.... i think i cried mainly because of the unconditional love that the grandma showed for his grandson, through all her little gestures.. and sometimes at how badly her grandson treated her... i felt so sorry for her..... and it threw me into a fantasy world.. how i wish i can experience something like that too..... get thrown into some rural place and interact with the rural and simple and kind-hearted, non-scheming folks, to get a taste of another 'facet' of life.... but having said this i think my initial reaction woudl be like the grandson as well, cos i dun think i can stand not having electricity nor clean water readily available..... things that i hav taken for granted.... anyway, ppl here interested in watching this awesome movie can borrow the vcd from me! also, check out the website...
my dad got his photocake and he said it was not bad..... haha. yay! =) but on the other hand, sometiems i still can't get rid of my sense of loneliness. no matter how i try; and it doesn't help that sometimes, you just dun feel like doing any homework.

idled my time away yesterday! it was veterans day.... a holiday for us but not for stanford ppl i dunno why? nor duke ppl for that matter.. veterans day is supposed to be a day meant for honoring US war veterans...i think! haha as its name suggests.... baked instant choc chip walnut cookies in the morning, then went with faith to berkeley's 4th street to walk walk.... it was a pretty nice andclassy little place.... with so many artsy shops and lovely paper stores that just made me go mad.. haha. but there were all beyond my budget though. so could only see.. cannot buy. also went to the dicovery channel's store... and i saw this cute innovative soft toy meant to teach kids music. it's an octopus with "squeaky" tentacles... each one making a different note.... it comes with this little instruction card with instructions on how to play mary had a little lamb by squeezing the various tentacles. supposed to be done with kids so that parent and kid can learn together... how smart and fun! =) also saw a book on pyramids, which made me realize that i didn't even know what the seven ancient wonders of the world were! so i went to check it out..... sadly most of them are ruined already and apparently not all seven of them existed at the same time.
then came back in late afternoon and did a few pages of reading..... then in the end at night spent half the time chatting online and packaging some of the cookies i intended to give away..... oh well. but i really enjoyed myself yesterday, cept all the procrastinating.... haha since when was i last so happy?

went to the berkeley fall arts festival on saturday and though it wasnt as impressive as i thought it would be, but some participants of the chalk art competition really impressed me... like they can just start drawing with no reference picture... and the proportions are all right.. and the shading is so brilliant... tsk tsk. i can never do that...
and i think i was strange on sat. maybe i take things too seriously, such that little things mean so much more to me than to other people....
finally finished my PEIS paper... though i dun think it's brilliant but at least it's much better than the state it was in like 1 week ago. really really hope i can get at least an A- for it....
wanted to get a card for my dad cos his birthday's on friday! but then knowing him, and i dunno if it's like all guys in general, he just anyhow chucks the cards that i give him and i dunno if he even appreciates it... haha no lah. i'm sure he does, it's just that perhaps he doesn't show it.... and guess guys can't be really bothered with little little things that girls like me do... like letters and stuff. so i went online trying to search for a gift for him.... and decided to try out sweet secrets' photocake thingy... hehe... now i am really excited to see how the cake i ordered turns out.... i mean though these cakes aren't very nice nor pretty, but the novelty of just trying it once is still worth it i guess... wonder what his reaction would be when he sees a cake with his face on it! ..... my dad would prob assume that my mum bought an ordinary cake or something haha.... =P

i wonder why is it that as i grow older i seem to develop a more serious inferiority complex. i told my mum that i put on so much weight that she wouldn't be able to recognize me when i go back in about a month's time and that she would comment that i bian chou le... haha. but she was like pang better than tai shou... oh well. then i told her i did badly for all my midterms and she was like aiyah dun fail then can already lah why be so harsh on yourself and make urself constantly stressed and unhappy? i wonder if this is really the way to go. sinking into mediocrity yet not be too overly affected by it. perhaps there are some other qualities that i possess that ppl dun.... so maybe i should learn to love myself more and not think so many negative thoughts. haha. at least some ppl appreciate my walnut prawns and beef ball noodles. oh well but what is cooking as compared to other things?
i also realized that i have been away from home for so so long... i was just commenting how i would finally see my mum again after one whole year. it doen'st really seem that long actually. i can't believe that i have been living on my own for one whole year.... really look forward to meeting up with ppl at home... crys jeannice joyce huining cat shing shu huijun ting etc etc..... i feel like i haven't talked to all these ppl for so so long. having said that i suddenly feel so overwhelmed i feel like crying. it's strange. i dun think when i finally see them i will hav lotsa lotsa stuff to say, (BEING ME) but somehow i just want to see them. i feel that i havn'et exactly been talking to ppl for so so long. i'm always like doing things on my own... and i am so AS. yet great inertia to 'boot' myself out of it.

almost won $50 today... but in the end i didn't. and the 'closeness' i came to winning it makes me sadder now that i didn't witn it.... than if i hadnt' come so close to winning it. haha. this was from a psych expt for my econ 119 class... termed a 'beauty contest'...i hav no idea why though. each of us are supposed to write down a no. and the person with the no. closest to 2/3 of the mean of the class would then win $5 or $50 (did this twice; first time for $5 and second time for $50) haha i was pretty lucky and the number that i guessed (part luck part attempted deduction at what class would put down) came closest to the answer... but so did 2 other ppl and when we tossed coins to decide on the winner i 'lost'..... guess i'm just not lucky enough.
yay... my PEIS paper is no longer due on thursday... but on monday instead.. cos everyone complained they had too many midterms and thus had no time for the paper and our prof was finally swayed and extended the deadline till monday. which is bad in a way actually cos then i will procrastinate and complete it during the weekend instead. but glad that i dun need to burn midnight oil today, cos my paper is far from complete. =)
i realized that i am very very ignorant though i try to read up... read economist etc... my brain doesn't seem to absorb and retain whatever information i have come across. as such i have a somewhat limited 'store' of knowledge... about everything in general. i somehow tend to remb things very vaguely and not specifically..... and also realized that its much easier to remb things if u conciously pay attention and tell urself to remb them. as compared to if u just come across them but dun think much about them....

it's freezing these days!! think average temp everyday is below 10C... an awful contrast to the nice comfy 20s just about a week ago... now i hav to wear at least 2 layers everyday when i go to sch.... and it's a chore to bathe..haha cos i'ts so cold. and we hesitate to switch on the heater.... cos our electricity bills will definitely shoot up.... but i turned it on the other day once though... and it was so nice and warm =P
2 more days before my PEIS paper is due and i hav only about 6 pages of stuff... and am really worried that my content is not good.. and that my structure isn't sound... and my speed is really pathetic... i feel terrible complaining all hte time... but i just somehow get very pissed with myself all the time. =( hope the weather doesn't deteriorate... also been sleeping very little yet i dun feel veyr accomplished. my econ 182 results are out but i dunno how i did.. i really really fear i did badly. i dunno why but somehow everything seems to be goign wrong for me thsi semester... help.

Halloween

i'ts halloween today... slept at 5am and woke up at 815 just in time to catch 52L to sch... but was still 5 min late.. and i was just settling in when i realized this guy two seats away had blood all over his chin and after recovering from this mild shock i realized it was halloween... haha. then was going to language lab in dwinelle to do my listening ex when yingping and i saw this guy with a knife stuck into his neck walking around with ease.. haha. guess it's a nice little distraction from all the work and the monotonous life sometimes...... and it rained this morning!! and it was so so cold. my laptop says 9 degrees now... was supposed to come home to sleep but now that i am back i dun really feel sleepy at all though. and on the way back home i saw little kids dressed up as eeyores, lions, tigers, fairies, butterflies and bumble bees etc and they were seriously so so cute. Singapore pre- school kids shoudl celebrate halloween too.... kids look really really cute in all these costumes... =) haha after raving about halloween i hav to admit that i wun be doing anything for halloween though, a stark contrast to my enthusiasm last year..... hunting for costumes to wear to castro... dabbling with makeup and applying it on ppl's faces.... will never forget the long long walk to the SF bus terminal at like 2am or somoething, only to discover that the last bus back to berkeley had left and we had to take taxi.... haha will prob spend today cooped up at home. =P quite sad. the cat returns tics were sold out... cept the late night show at 10pm on sunday....

got my econ 131 midterm back and i did so horribly i am totally disgusted with myself...
=( sigh. felt very depressed yesterday but i guess i can't keep brooding also. will just try really hard for my homeworks nad final and hope i wun continue to do so badly....
slept really early last night and woke up at 5am today to try to work on my PEIS paper and i wrote one paragraph. adn that took me three hours!! haha.. i am so pathetic. it seems a pretty good idea to sleep early and wake up early to do work actually... cos i find myself unable to remain awake after a long day.. usually. it gets really dark really early these days.. .after daylight saving. like at 630 pm it's almost pitch dark. so yucky. felt really nice today also, cos jacqui made some cookies yest and gave me some today! and she put them in this nice little paper box i felt very touched and spoilt.... like it's been so long since i received little gifts from ppl.... haha i sound deprived. i am not lah, well it's just that it reminded me of JC, or even sec sch.... when i think i used to write a lot of notes to people and people actually replied and somehow i am just very touched by little things in life....little gestures which may mean nothing to ppl actually but then i just feel so "warm" when ppl bother to do something for you......They are going to show The CAt Returns at Pacific Film Archive this sunday... can finally go watch it =)

i am turning into a baking freak. in addition to my banna cream pie i made on thurs night i made pancakes this morning and maple cornflake shortbread...... yummy pastries but highly sinful. brought it to shiying's place just now and glad most of it was finished! =)
went to SF alone this afternoon, looking forward to enjoying an afternoon of indulgence in art haha. cos there's this marc chagall exhibition at the SF MOMA (Museum of Modern ARt) nad the show is ending soon so i thought i should go catch it. cos i like marc chagall and since i am slightly freer this weekend i should prob break away from my monotonous weekend routine and go somwhere... felt really liberated when i was walking from the bus terminal to the museum....but to my HORROR there was this really really long line of ppl outside the museum waiting to buy admission tics. it was seriously the first time i witnessed such a crowd outside a MUSEUM.... i guess i underestimated the popularity of this exhibit.... and app ppl had to wait for 2 hours before getting to the front... and today being an unusually hot day i dind'dt fancy standing in the sun for 2 hours..... so i went shopping instead... sigh. and bought a sweater.. haha. oh well what a failed trip.
hav a 10 page PEIS paper to write, on econ growth and devt.... feel somewhat inadequate cos havn'et been wriitng any paper for so so long.... yet i feel really compelled and inspired to do a good job cos the topic is intersting... but i have been ignoring my PEIS for the past two weeks cos of midterms and as such hav accummulated a substantial amount of undone readings.... sigh. shall try to do work tmr and be productive!!

having 2 killer midterms in two consecutive days isn't exactly very healthy for the brain....nor the heart... both my midterms left me highly traumatised and if i thought my econ 119 midterm was bad last week then i dunno what i can use to describe the two this week..... well but of course i think i am partly at fault too.... maybe i didn't understand my material all that well too... but there really wasn't time to complete both midterms.... my GSI joked that i could write off questions 2 and 3 for my econ 182 midterm... hmmm wonder if he also thought that those were beyond us and judging from how he usually criticises the professor... i think this killer midterm would leave lotsa room for students to complain and i wun be surprised if in our next section both GSI and indignant students engage in some professor-bitching...sigh dun even want to think about what i would get for my midterms.. shall just enjoy my happiness now while i can.....